Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[DaddyLongShanks]

Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.

She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.

Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.

She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.

What's the odds this 25 years old physical specimen is being loyal and dedicated to your wife only?

Consider that. The odds are less than 25%. The age range tends to cheat, and cheat in relationships where there is not a marriage. Knowing that they are boinking a wife, they will play the game almost automatically.

She is likely one in his harem. You might help her out by letting her receive information to prove she is only a bedroom lay to her, because he has others. And even more if she is not the "top" one in his harem she will be outraged.

[Detrmnd]

Hi Mr bond,

I'll really try to elaborate. We always had liberal views, and felt that we could enjoy sex with others together. We would come home from a party and talk about it for days. It really added new levels to our sex life. We spoke about it for a couple of years before doing anything. Then we spoke on websites to people for perhaps another year before attending our first party. Really tbh I thought it was great and didn't see and issue, but even from the beginning I found myself at times uncomfortable when my wife was with an other man. I have my own issues of suppressing negative feelings though, so I boxed these thoughts away and promptly forgot them each time.

Our relationship ha s seemed super strong, but had probably become incestious, we did everything together Including working from home together the last 12 months. She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change. Deep down I was terrified she wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me. I therefore became even more suffocating, I have thrown away most of my business and held her tighter trying to stop my self loosing her. In October our eldest D turned 13, plus we had two younger femal freinds round that weekend who were talking to guys on Tinder. Since then she spent all her time texting in her phone and ignoring me and the kids. I responded with anger, hurt etc. Our sex life bevan more adventurous at home if anything, she wanted to try anal (something we had done once before years ago) but I felt an emotional distance somewhere in the back of my head (visible now with hindsight).

Does that answer your questions or am I missing bits?

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hi Mr bond,

I'll really try to elaborate. We always had liberal views, and felt that we could enjoy sex with others together. We would come home from a party and talk about it for days. It really added new levels to our sex life. We spoke about it for a couple of years before doing anything. Then we spoke on websites to people for perhaps another year before attending our first party. Really tbh I thought it was great and didn't see and issue, but even from the beginning I found myself at times uncomfortable when my wife was with an other man. I have my own issues of suppressing negative feelings though, so I boxed these thoughts away and promptly forgot them each time.

Our relationship ha s seemed super strong, but had probably become incestious, we did everything together Including working from home together the last 12 months. She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change. Deep down I was terrified she wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me. I therefore became even more suffocating, I have thrown away most of my business and held her tighter trying to stop my self loosing her. In October our eldest D turned 13, plus we had two younger femal freinds round that weekend who were talking to guys on Tinder. Since then she spent all her time texting in her phone and ignoring me and the kids. I responded with anger, hurt etc. Our sex life bevan more adventurous at home if anything, she wanted to try anal (something we had done once before years ago) but I felt an emotional distance somewhere in the back of my head (visible now with hindsight).

Does that answer your questions or am I missing bits?

Was she doing all this time texting before? Texting can be addictive as well as new connections and hookups. Was she hanging tough with these younger females before too? At under 25 many of them are addicted to drama and cannot stay still. They will be trying out new guys, complaining about old ones, texting, facebooking, facetiming, etc.

[MrBond]

"She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change."

This explains it all. It also explains you and your W swinging. You both needed validation from others. Problem now is that you can't control feelings.

What were some concrete problems that you had in your M? Detail them here. What did you argue about?

[Detrmnd]

We've never really argued tbh. Minor stuff, perhaps about work, money. If anything since she changed I have ignored her new suggestions and ideas, and found excuses to not do them "we ant afford it", "I'm too busy", "that's of no interest to me" etc...

In the early years I was strong and confident and she struggled to cope in social settings or doing thing on her own. Over the years I have lost touch with most freinds and she has been my best/only freind. We have worked lived and gone out together, we did everything together from shopping to partying and everything in between. I have almost become agoraphobic and withdrawn the mor eu felt her wanting to explore. It's like our relationship dynamic has done a full 180 in terms of need/reliance.

I am off to therapy to work on my own self confidence issues, ones that for years I masked with a brash over confident personality...

[Detrmnd]

Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.

Yep thats pretty much it Daddy, though I am now implementing 180's and GAL so I'm not in all the time. The issue is it hurts as I love spending time with my kids as well, but I know as soon as I do she'll be off with OM...

[DaddyLongShanks]

Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.

Yep thats pretty much it Daddy, though I am now implementing 180's and GAL so I'm not in all the time. The issue is it hurts as I love spending time with my kids as well, but I know as soon as I do she'll be off with OM...

What you can do is be solid and be strong... Another poster mentioned he picked up boxing, got hit in the face a few times but his confidence is skyrocketing daily.

Build up your body. Not to compete with fitness guy, but for yourself.

I think you can come out of this more solid and more strong.

For some power is intoxicating and alluring. Your power will be in yourself and what you stand for.

[Detrmnd]

So I have a question for you all, currently I am spending a lot of time with W but whenever I am about to leave the house, she runs off to the bedroom like she is trying to end my visit first.

Secondly I have noticed we have productive conversations and fun outside of the house, but when in the house she just talks about herself for hours on end. I am being a good listener but these are in no way conversations, I could say anything and she wouldn't hear.

Should I spend less time with her even though she is initiating these meetings? Should I be less available when she wants to use me for emotional support to discuss her work and other issues that are bothering her?

[Detrmnd]

Hi all,

I realise I have been away a long time. I guess I was just to upset and grieving my relationship to face facts. Also I think I wanted to believe that I was some exceptional super hero. In the last five weeks I think I have done everything wrong that I could have done. I have enabled cake eating, I have been needy, desperate to spend any moment with her. This was made worse by moving house and the time together this necessitated while we packed, moved and unpacked. I thought I had read the book, read a lot on here and could create my own program.... I WAS WRONG.

I started therapy (CBT) a couple of weeks ago and am still on anti-depressants/anxiety (sertraline 100mg/day). Since then I have been getting a little stronger each day. I'm not afraid to tell you that the first 7-8 weeks broke me, I thought dark thoughts and felt stuck at the bottom of a well with no way out. I was completely addicted to my wife, when she was away or I was not able to see her I suffered terrible worst case scenario thinking and drove myself half crazy...

So firstly I want to apologise for not updating things, for not listening and for not applying the principles honestly. I just beg all of your forgiveness that you may still be willing to help me, now that I feel in a mentally strong enough place to move forward implementing things.

So my current sitch.

I am living at my mothers house Monday to Friday night. The kids come here on a Wednesday, I take son to scouts, then collect him and take all 3 home. Then Saturday afternoon I go to the house and stay there till Monday morning. I also work Tuesday - Friday away in Germany every other week. My wife is still with the OM and spends every weekend at his house. She still refuses to call it an affair or relationship and says it gives her space and freedom. She says she is just having fun and needs the space to relax away from me and the children and has no-where else to go.

I have broken every rule, even going so far as talking to my wife and breaking down to her about my therapy. In reality I just hoped that it would elicit sympathy, Last week I was in Germany. My therapist set me a homework to only speak to her once a day for ten minutes at an arranged time. This really helped and is the first time I have detached at all. I was happy with my weeks work. However I called Saturday morning to arrange the swap over and she was angry... Turn out that she had finally spoken to her Father, who she respects very much. She had previously told him nothing and avoided speaking to him since this all started some two months ago. I had spoken to him 5 weeks ago at almost my lowest ebb. I was desperate, and I told him everything. He asked me to tell her I had spoken to him but that the details of the conversation would stay between us, he suggested that she needed therapy and agreed her actions were out of character. I told her I had spoken to him about my issues and informed him, that was that. Turns out Friday night she finally spoke with him, I have no idea who called who. She says he told her everything that I had said, now firstly I am very hurt. Secondly I told no lies, thirdly I just want to call him to ask what was discussed?!

Next, I have been very low and a fair bit angry, I also agreed to go on a date with a girl friday night. Of course I bumped into a former colleague of the W, she asked where W was and it was very awkward. I confessed that we were separated and that I was on a date. This woman was very drunk and really pushed me for the reason why, I keep repeating "ask W it's not my place to say" till I was blue in the face. Eventually she started saying I should be at home working on it... I lost my temper and said "well I'm not the one who started an affair with a f**ing 25yr old window cleaner from essex!". She said she wouldn't say anything and it was our business. Of course She text W first thing saturday morning to ask what was going on and to arrange to meet for coffee. W asked me why I had told the friend we were separated and what I had told her... I said I had told her nothing bar that we were separated, but that I was out on a date and had no choice but to say something! W is meeting this friend today for coffee so I am now sitting here wondering what will be the next level of awfulness/anger opened up to me.

Since then she is almost avoiding seeing me at all, I had to go to the house this morning to collect my medication I had forgotten there, she stayed up in her room speaking to me through the door. I rang before visiting and asked if I should go round when she was out or in. She refused to answer the question but said, that as I am meant to take them in the morning I should come round now... I just collected meds, tried to engage her in conversation, asked what was wrong and said I would speak to her tonight. her reply was "If thats what your therapist thinks you should do". She seems not angry just very detached, and giving me the bare minimum of civil conversation.

I have no reason to see her all week, but we are meant to be going to a dinner party friday night with our old neighbours that has been arranged for weeks. I am not sure if we should go or not.

I am finally starting to get a handle on the detaching but am worried it is making it easier for her to leave. I assume that I should stop talking to this other woman, I think part of me wanted to feel better about myself. I think also I wanted the wife to know, and see how she felt... perhaps I just wanted to see if I could hurt her...

I realise I have broken every DB rule out there and that I am a moron. I have though implemented several 180's and am working hard to G&L. I think a lot of the early things have since been undermined or written off as craziness on my part. I finally feel that I am able to detach a little, and each day will get easier and easier.

I also feel that I am perhaps starting to become mentally strong enough to actually follow through with the DB plan... That's if it is not too late. I promise to update daily from now on.

So I beg your forgiveness and implore you to help and tell me what to do next! Have I broken things beyond repair now? Should I just go back to 180's and G&L? Is it last resort time?

Thanks for reading, and I hope you can forgive me for thinking I knew best...

Dtrmnd