Hi all. Just a bit of journallling. Normal weekend , Friday night W took D13 to hers and S16 , D10 and I watched a film and I text D13 about 9.40pm to say goodnight ( remember this !!!! ) D13 and I text back and forth for about 15 mins , jokes etc.
Sat am I cleaned house , did washing and cooked fry up for S20 ,S16 , D10 and I. Full works , mugs of tea , toast , sausages, eggs , bacon and puddings. 1/2 way through cooking W calls to ask me about a quote , I answered and she asked what we were upto. I explained about breakfast and W said her a D13 we're having Cheerios for breakfast and how it seemed a little unfair. I finished conversation and enjoyed brekkie with the crew.
W arrived home with D13 and I took D13 to dancing class. I got home and W was with D10'with Ws eyes full time f tears. W left soon after and I cooked dinner and took D13 to a party I got a text from W about 10.30pm asking if D13 was home I explained no but she would be home in about 15 mins as D1: had text me to let me know. It turned out W had text D13 about 10.30 but had decided not to answer W.
Sunday came and W called on landline to speak to kids and then called me later to say she was really sick and heading home early from work and wouldn't be calling in to see kids. She again was crying. Today arrived and I got a call from W to say she was unhappy that I was going to parent teacher metro vs and I was taking over complete rasing of the kids I explained that the kids needed her but as I was there day to day I needed to be the point of contact re most things. W started crying and said she had lost her kids and she couldn't beleive the kids had turned to me after she raised them for so long. She did point out I had not been there to support her enough with the kids before she left. I validated and said she was right. W went on to say she wished we could go back a few years and start again but it was too late. Again I validated that if that's how you feel then I understand. W then started on about how she was very unhappy and had nothing good in her life now and she was only happy when she was asleep. I said that's sad and at least it could only get better
W then said she felt I was taking over D13s up coming birthday party and I should not have bought a cake without her Input. I didn't answer this one W then asked could we go to L/C to talk about the kids as she was very sad about how she felt no longer in their lives like she wants to be. I said no problem
No mind readi g on my part as I think W is in a cycle of sadness and I'm not even sure if I the root cause of or just a part of the problem
Wow RD that [censored] to hear W say she wishes she could go back but now it's too late. Still great that she feels for you enough to say all this to you and you do so well supporting her. I'm learning a lot reading your sitch b/c I'm not doing any of the good communication you do. I think you're handling your W's emotions really well.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Hi HP. Thanks for posting. Re the W's emotions , I would not have handled them very well without L/C who has taught me to let go of the hurt It's hard but when I communicate twith W I picture her as the person she was and not the person she has become. It makes it easier for me to imagine W in a fog and her actions at the moment are not hers. In my head I call her W A and W B. W A was my wife who loved me and our life. W B is the new lady I have before me. I had hoped W A would return but it appears W B is here to stay. I wouldn't have been a patient man before all this but now ( for the most part ! ) I let life do its thing. Do get me wrong I have been devistated by this event and still struggle daily
When W left I got my kids , my home , my pets and control of my income. W has children's allowance and 180'a week from work W still insists no other R just a good friend and I choose to accept this for now
I see from others sitch that I am very very lucky. My W looks for constant contact with me but never asks for money or help from me. She will often say she has no idea what she is doing and spends a lot of the time upset. I used to enjoy this but now I feel for her. She no longer loves me and she left to pursue a new life that from the outside seems to be very tough W could have made my life slot harder and so far hasn't
I DB but also I do what I think works. I loved W A very much and that will always be true. My L/C is convinced that W is very confused and is not in a PA or even an EA in the normal way I get very little real spew compared to others and Loads of what I call stars ( signs that W wants to reconcile) but I have learnt to deal with reality and that is W has left and spends time with OM
My L/C encourages me to be the best I can be and to treat W as a good friend and the mother of my kids which when you think about is a good idea. As I say I am in a good place compared to some so maybe it's easier for me and W is keeping any other R quiet.
Since W left I have not contacted her more than three times and I never ask what she is doimg but at the same time I will be there for her if she is upset. I have not mentioned R or M and will not.
Today Iis Ws birthday and I passed her in traffic as she was going to work and I had just dropped off kids W waved and I stopped car jumped out and ran across to her car and handed her a bar of chocolate and gave her a kiss telling her happy birthday. She called me straight away to thank me and to chat. Quite sad today but it is what it is
Jim. No gal plans but Ii e been asked on a date to the pictures but not sure if it's too soon
Long post but feel a bit better. Thanks all and take care. Rd
In Gamanon we come across many gamblers who have a second use (weed, alcohol and smoking) and this stimulates this cycle of low hormones and neurotransmitters leading to crying tiredness and low mood.
W is saying that OM is not fulfilling R needs. Plus RD you are mind reading again, W feelings are hers and with respect you have no idea of feelings!
You are doing really well with W RD, validation king, patient too, and a dad 'in a million'.
Would just like you to go GAL, not dating but GAL!
Although V realises this is difficult with four children. The older Ss are more than an age to babysit too. V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks Vanillia. I always value your input. L/C not aware of weed but I will mention it. Thanks for the compliments, I do feel I have becoming the person I should have been . I am glad that this has happened I just wish I had been mature enough to realise without W having to leave. Validation is easy because often W is right about my lack of parenting input and not treating our R with enough respect.
I like to treat people well so they know that they matter , today i was pleased with myself today because iwhen I gave the chocolate it would have reminded W of how spontaneous and caring I could be. I don't mean it might influence her one way or the other but just remind her that I'm not the ogre that she sometimes thinks.
I don't like to mind read but sometimes if it looks like a duck , walks like a duck and quacks. W left to find peace ( as she says) and now says she has even less peace but.not coming home I am talking to Ws sister tonight to just let her know how down W is.
Re the crying and signs of depression, it does seem to be a circle and after 4 months it doesn't appear to be getting any better
Again thanks for posting Vanillia. In not sure why but I feel the need to post a lot more of late
Sorry things are still feeling tough. Sounds like your W is still very much in a cheeseless tunnel in search of 'peace' and not finding it. It's funny with WAS's. If I met your W, I could have told her that sharing a place with an alcoholic isn't going to lead to peace. Just as you could have told my H that having an A wasn't going to lead to 'passionate love in his life every day.'
I like your analogy of wife A and wife B. It's so true. For my H, fidelity was so important to him. He had always been faithful and was very proud of that. When I asked him how having an A fitted with those values, he shrugged and said - well, I guess I let that standard slip - enter husband B!
It sounds like a good idea to talk to W's sister. I hope that goes ok. From how she has been, sounds like she needs family and friends to look out for her. Chin up RD - I think you're doing really well ((RD))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots thanks for posting. I spoke to SIL last night and told her of my concerns over W and she shared these concerns. SILMtold me W calls her and says she is lost and has no idea what she is doing and is losing her family and throwing away her life SIL has asked W to seek help but W says she is not sure she can handle it. SIL thinks reality has hit home with W and W sees no future for herself.
SIL told me W thinks Im being very supportive of her and have turned into a great dad. SIL also told me that she does not believe Ws issues are really not with me but with her own life
Re OM W has tod SIL that it's not an EA or PA but someone she can just forget about real life with but I'm still not sure
There is a bit more but I have to go into doctor so I will post later.
Thanks Vanillia. Not sure what you mean by important feedback as I knnew most things and W has told me the same
Just a quick note , I was with consultant today and gots results of check up on kidney. This might not mean much to a lot of you but my creatinine level was 72. Which is below normal for someone with two kidneys let alone one !!!!!
W home tonight and can't get enough of talking to me Makes it hard to think of her with OM yet be able to be so close and open with me. Ho hum
