Absolutely, it wasnt leading..and that dinner question analogy, that's been me. Man the things I've done wrong. In the military, it was so much easier to lead. In this relationship though, so hard to know what to do for dear of making a mistake. I appreciate the time and patience you're having with me though. Not too many people that willingly listen to a 41 year old man spill his guts
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
This is what I'm thinking. @#$% it, you aren't really here anyway. When I'm home, I will be on the couch watching TV, spending time, even if there's no talking, even just to be THERE. I will be upbeat, and play with the kids, be the best dad possible. I will do things around the house like a responsible adult in a good marriage, I WILL take the kids out and ASK her to come along, if she comes great, if not, no bother. When I come home if she's there great, if not I WONT ask where she was. And I WILL go to dance class, the gym, and out with other people. (?)
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
After all. The way I figure it. If she wanted to be gone completely (not just on an emotional level) she'd find/have found a way to do so, instead of remaining in the same house; especially for what is at least until June/July (?). Maybe grasping at straws here.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
3.) I can now start the process. FOR REAL. She is fully aware of how I feel. There's no need to say it again.
Good, glad to see you say that. Cuz you two sure TALK a lot!!!
Also, now that you've stated your case, you need to STOP ALL PURSUIT. I see a TON of pursuit in that long exchange there, and I know you know that as well when you step back and look at it. This is going to take a lot of SELF-DISCIPLINE on your part, and your wife cannot feel like you're just sitting there, waiting to be her "Plan B" at this point.
You've told her that you "get it," you understand where you fell short. Now it's time for ACTIONS, not more words. You can either hard-core affair-bust here (my normal recommendation), or do something almost completely different and give her the ol' RobX "let her go" speech. Are you familiar with that one?
After all. The way I figure it. If she wanted to be gone completely (not just on an emotional level) she'd find/have found a way to do so, instead of remaining in the same house; especially for what is at least until June/July (?).
Well of course. There's a reason they call it "cake-eating"; she wants her cake and eat it too. She wants both of you on her string. The key is to REMOVE YOURSELF from her equation.
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
And removing myself from the equation. THATS my problem there. I don't know how. Meaning when I'm actually IN the house what do I do. See, I don't want to resort to being in the basement, that irked the hell out of her. But, I don't want to make it worse by being 'available' to her or 'in her face' sitting silently on the couch (silently, because you are right, there's been a lot of comma from my end...want to watch a movie, did you record anything, how was your day, how were the kids, ect.). Its difficult to just go out, she had issues with me controlling the finances and the money I make at work has been going into her account the past 6months so, if I want money, I've had to 'ask'. I corrected it a few days ago, it'll take two weeks from now, but it'll be going into my account. That's why yesterday, I said I couldn't afford the books.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
(NOTE: I think you would need to adjust this and directly confront and acknowledge your own prior EA, to be fair and credible here)
RobX’s approach:
Sit her down and have a discussion with her. No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything, keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.
You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.
You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.
You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.
For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust. Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?
Don't ask for for full disclosure.
Do the opposite.
Tell her this:
"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.
I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.
From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.
If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.
If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.
I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."
No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go. No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.
Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.
You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.
You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?
Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.
Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.
