Hi folks, I'm new to the site, haven't even had the chance to post my story (at work, but will as soon as I get home as I really have a lot of questions and need your help). The bomb was dropped on me 8 days ago. My lead-up to the question...I understand a little about the processes from reading posts here, and, I've been attempting to detatch and improve me for me. I signed up for Ballroom dancing (which she likes, and we only tried once years ago) to have fun and enjoy myself, and I've been going out for walks and coffee with others, joined a gym again, ect. Problem is this...from what I understand "if something doesn't benefit the situation, don't do it". My wife is / has been giving me the third degree. She's asking where I am, who I was with, and, if she doesn't believe my answers, leaves the short question period briefly only to return again to ask a second time about where I REALLY am. She's been caught for a second time in an EA with a guy 5000km away, and now wants out for good (of course has nothing to do with him). First off, her questioning. Any hypothesis. My judgment is so clouded I can't think straight, I mean really, she wants out, than what gives right? And secondly. My going out to have fun and improve myself makes her angry, so, if its not " helping the situation" would this new trend for me (other than going to the gym regularly a few yes back) be causing more of a problem? I dont want her thinking IM having an affair.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I am no expert but let me say that your W asking where you have been, who you are with, etc. is a good sign. She wants you to pine away for her and wallow in your own pity. But you are not doing that. You are GALing. Congratulations to you. That is awesome.
DBing is very counter productive to what you would think would work. She is the one that asked for the D. She is the one that is looking to leave. Getting her wondering about you is a good thing.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
You're making the common mistake of "defining what 'works'" as "what makes her act NICE towards me." 'Nice' isn't necessarily what you're going for at this stage.
Your wife is noticing that you're being mysterious, and she's perhaps questioning her own actions and thinking "Oh cr*p, did I go too far? Did I lose ol' Mac? Why I was just trying to SCARE him, and keep him as my Plan B right now!"
A wayward will also very often project their own moral shortcomings onto their betrayed spouse, and accuse them of doing the very thing that THEY are doing. Very much SCRIPT.
Wow, appreciate the quick response. I thought her reaction projected exactly what you've said. Personally, it hasn't been going on long..we were out for dinner theater, looking for a new house, ext. only 3 1/2 weeks ago. I got up one morning and she wasn't 'herself' she was off. Found out within 4 days why. Honestly believe she'd be acting business as usual if she hadn't been caught, just to ride out the EA and see where it would go, but, she was caught, and is stuck. My problem is how I'm suppose to answer her questions. For instance, I haven't been to the movies for 3yrs. I work this Friday until 830pm right next to the theater. Movie starts at 10pm until Midnight...it'll take me 40 mins to go home, 40 mins to come back to the theater if I went home after work first. So, to me it just makes sense to hang out at work (Loss Prevention in a Walmart) do some clothes shopping for my new dance classes, and go to the show. Problem is, what will happen if I stay...see, she already questioned my coffee last night. Seeing a movie after my shift will mean I'm not home until 4.5hrs after my normal return home. She's either going to be awake, waiting in the kitchen to confront me the second I walk in the door, or, (and I can see this happening) she'll be laying in her bed 'stewing' in the dark until she hears me come in and come storming into the basement to start the fight, either way she's going to be pissed. I have no problem telling her where I was, but have no idea how to answer the 'why',where, or with who. I know she won't think I'd actually go by myself, as I've never gone to a movie alone before, so I'm nervous about the responses I offer.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I have read the rules and trying to follow to the letter. I haven't found the books at the library (can't afford to buy them) but continue to look. I believe it is script for her. She got caught 3yrs ago, and begged, pleaded, ect. This time tho, she's in my face telling me the 'no matter what you do,say,try we're done. Alas, hoping it really is a question of not believing everything I hear and only half of what I see. Of course, she hasn't mentioned a lawyer yet, she wants to keep co-habitating at least until June when my oldest is finished school (so far as I still understand), so I do have a lot of time to turn things around. The only positive is that this guy is so far away.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
"I haven't found the books at the library (can't afford to buy them) but continue to look."
The books are under $4 on ebay. Buy them. If you can't afford $4, how are you going to afford a divorce? You have to do the work rather than having us spoon feed you answers that you don't understand.
Were you having marital issues prior to the first time she cheated? How about now? We need a rundown of your marital history to see what's really going on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If that leads to more drilling from her, you might say (in a calm tone of voice) something like, "Considering the situation, I don't see why it matters". And then move on and get busy with something and don't answer any more questions.
If she wants out, then yes, she shouldn't have the right..but wayward wives believe in a double standard.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Books ordered. I'll do a full story writeup so you can all put your 2cents in. Should be up next couple hours once she's sleeping. (She's snooped' through my FB/Hotmail and internet browser history and I want to put it up when she can't catch me doing so). Want her to know nothing of DB. Thanks all.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
