Mozza, that is a great list of improvements you have made. Keep up the the work!
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Thanks guys — good idea to work on your list, though it does take a few months to take shape. Of course, I'm still sad but this is not a list out of spite, it's things about which I'm genuinely pleased. I feel closer to being able to say "I'm a changed man since the S" even though I don't think I'll really know until I'm in an R to apply many of the changes. __________________
The in-laws discussion was relevant. WAW just told me that FIL will be coming to town (from abroad) over Easter in early April. It means a change of kids schedule to which I will agree, given the circumstances (he can't come at another time because of his work). I will also tell her that I'd be happy to have coffee with him, given that he'll be on his own while she's working a few of those days. I'll keep it to small talk, but I'll open the door to see if he wants to talk about the S. I have one thing to tell him: the S was not my decision and I would have preferred to make it work. That's it, if he doesn't want to go any further. Looking back at all the lies she told me around S, I just don't know that WAW told her parents this simple truth. He's a family man and I doubt that he's all that pleased about the S. I've earned his respect with hard work over the years and I'd like to keep some of it as we'll be in touch through the kids.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
We agreed on the schedule change for Easter. It went smoothly, but I hate that. It feels so ridiculous, useless. We both are their parents, I love her, she can love me and we should be together as a family. But who cares if I think so? I need to accept reality.
I told her about being available for coffee with FIL if he's by himself while she's at work. She said it would depend if she can take the whole week off and that she'd keep me posted. ________________________
I forgot to mention that it's the 5-month mark of BD today (BD is 9/11). It got me thinking about the 6-month typical duration of an A, even though I try to no longer think about these things. I'm doing much better than 5 months ago when I wouldn't eat, work, sleep properly, listen to music or think of anything else.
But I'm tired of crying every single day and feeling such pain and denial. I didn't know it would last that long — I felt it was too long after 2 months (I almost never cried before). I don't see the end of it. I did have a moment this morning when I remembered how she could get on my nerves sometimes. I wonder if it's unavoidable because of her very nature or if it's something where I could control my reaction. The latter, I guess. Regardless of who's my next partner, I will have to learn to explore my reactions.
Trust the process, detach, GAL, focus on myself...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
But I'm tired of crying every single day and feeling such pain and denial. I didn't know it would last that long — I felt it was too long after 2 months (I almost never cried before). I don't see the end of it.
...
Trust the process, detach, GAL, focus on myself...
I am coming up on two months and it is pure torture. One thing that my IC told me was that even though I am GAL and detaching it is actually GOOD to have the "emotional" time as well. As long as its not in front of the W or kids.
NewB3 - Thanks. I really appreciate that you read and take the time to say so.
Leon01 - Torture, yes. I remember at two months bawling on the phone with my parents while on a quiet street. At 39... I would say: "It's too hard. It's too long." I've never really held back from being sad or crying. I know some people hold it in and come have told me that they regretted it later. Well, I sure won't be able to say that I've held it in when my W left me!
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Just had one of the best sessions with my IC. Too often, these are hijacked by my WAW. Last time, it was all about our recent meeting, about the move abroad. I just go on and on about her and, when I leave, I feel like I wasted an opportunity to learn something.
Today was all clear, so we really talked about me. He's Freudian (psychoanalysis - the subconscious) and it was on full display today. I mentioned reading NMMNG and how it challenges us to find our true desires, not what we do to please others. How can I see the difference? I'm not used to it. He observed that it took me the S to look at this, and that not everybody does it.
We talked about desires and interdicts. We have certain desires that we censor before we even acknowledge them. We have integrated these bans, be it from authorities, the law, moral codes, etc. We're ashamed of these desires and would rather not even know about them. He told me about how dreams are a clearer, if not perfect, expression of these desires. We talked about sex a great deal and how it's difficult for me to acknowledge that I have sexual desires that are not attached to a long-term relationship (I've never had sex outside of one).
We talked about the girl to whom I gave my phone number last week and how it was difficult for me to even recognize that I desired her. At first, I was giving fictional examples, until I "confessed" that she had been on my mind. It's awfully difficult for me to open up about having such an interest in someone and even worse when it's physical. It's there that I realized that, yes, I had thought about her in this way and that it was ok, it's a desire and I can recognize it without shame. That's in part why I'm writing it here, even knowing that such interest is frowned upon before the D is final.
We even talked about friends in my support network, and how my current situation (of availability) positions me with regards to them. Why do I share certain things with them? What kind of reaction do I expect from them? How are they going to feel? I might be afraid of creating a rift because they can't do what I can do, that is seeking the company of other women. It might be something that they would enjoy, be it not for certain reasons for which they censor these desires. What will happen the day that I act on these desires? What will become of our friendship, once we are no longer in the same "band of losers" (my words) that think they can't get the girl?
When these sessions go well, I usually leave much more at peace with myself and my desires. I feel lighter, more confident that I can express them and seek to satisfy them without being rejected. I feel like I understand myself better or at least that I don't try to hide from myself what I want. At the beginning of the therapy, it was a bit frustrating not to come out with practical advice to feel better, but again I can see that in the long run (been some 15-20 sessions), it's really helping me to become myself, a guy comfortable in his own skin.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Glad to read that things are progressing well for you on a personal level.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
We talked about the girl to whom I gave my phone number last week and how it was difficult for me to even recognize that I desired her. At first, I was giving fictional examples, until I "confessed" that she had been on my mind. It's awfully difficult for me to open up about having such an interest in someone and even worse when it's physical. It's there that I realized that, yes, I had thought about her in this way and that it was ok, it's a desire and I can recognize it without shame. That's in part why I'm writing it here, even knowing that such interest is frowned upon before the D is final.
Not true. What is frowned (I prefer the word "discouraged") around here is acting on those desires that's such a slippery rope for the LBS in the midst of a personal turmoil.
He77 yes! We do have interests and physical desires ALL the time. It is self-restraint that shows self-awareness of the potential minefield one walks in while DBing. It comes from a place of neediness rather than being whole and emotionally healthy.
Mozza, sorry I've been out of touch. I'm glad to hear you're still going to regular IC sessions and that at least some of them are successful. Keep plugging with the DB principles and try not to spend any time thinking about the average 6-month A length. Who knows how long your WAW's A is going to last. And don't fret that you're still suffering. Nearly 7 months after my BD, I was crying in my aunt's shoulder. I believe that DBing somewhat speeds up your grieving process. But much more than that, it puts you in a fantastic place when you do reach the true, released, content acceptance stage of grief. You will get there! For now, keep crying whenever needed
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Not true. What is frowned (I prefer the word "discouraged") around here is acting on those desires that's such a slippery rope for the LBS in the midst of a personal turmoil.
Good point, Wonka. I'll think about that and I'll bring it up with my IC: What about acting on these desires? During a S? I'm curious to know what his school of thought makes of it. Was he just telling me to acknowledge these desires without trying to fulfill them under my present circumstances? It's a good lead.
Card29: Thanks a lot for stopping by! And for your words of wisdom. It's nice to talk to someone who has crossed the Rubicon of detachment, knowing it's somewhere ahead.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
