I believe we are piecing...

[LovinUs]

This is the first time I am starting a thread. I have not received my books yet, so I am not familiar with how things work.

I believe my wife and I are 'piecing'. She left November 24th, the Monday before Thanksgiving 2014. After about a week, she started to communicate via text. It took about a month before she would talk with me or see me. We have had many challenges over the last year, and had started seeing a marriage counselor/therapist. We thought we were doing better and quit going. Then, we had a horrific weekend and, after a terrible fight, she left. Within a week, she moved out.

We both started seeing our therapist individually. We made great progress every time we spoke on the phone. We determined that divorce is not on the table - that we are separated, but still married, and no dating anyone else. That would be a deal breaker. Our first meeting was for coffee, and we stayed for 3 hours. It was the most difficult Thanksgiving and Christmas I have ever had.

Before the end of the year, we started dating, I guess you'd call it. Things were very fragile. I just wanted to get out and have a little fun in a neutral setting. I always seemed to say or expect the wrong thing(s) at first, but it got better. We went out to parties and events every weekend and had a good time together.

My wife finally decided she was ready for a joint marriage therapy session. By then, we had discussed many issues, resolved some things and made good progress. We decided it was better to focus on how to improve our communication and problem solving skills, and not keep making the same mistakes as before. We were actually t

[Cadet]

Sounds like this is all happening very fast,
well may be not for you but in terms of what we see
here.

I hope you are correct because many times after bomb drop the
most confusion can occur.

Please keep posting.

[LovinUs]

What is "bomb drop", Cadet?

During our "perfect storm" of a fight, she was telling me what an awful human I am and how she would rather 'be dead' than spend another minute with me. As you can imagine, this cut pretty deeply. And here is where I committed my marital felony (according to our therapist). I asked her what she was doing there if I am such a terrible person, then I told her to get the ___ out of my house. I took it back right away, and asked if we could just slow things down and talk, but it was too late. She was in her nightgown, grabbed her keys and cell phone and ran our of the house - no shoes, no purse. She did not respond to my phone calls or texts. About a half hour later, the doorbell rang. It was the city police, saying she wanted to get some of her belongings and would move out by that weekend. She would not talk with me, quickly grabbed some things and was gone. I was completely stunned and quite devastated.

We both own our own houses. We lived in my home and rented out hers. My wife moved back into her house that next weekend.

[LovinUs]

We are doing well, but are in a strange place. My wife says we are still together, still committed and married, and working on our relationship, but she wants to maintain separate homes. They call it LAT, or living apart-together. She said she will not put herself in a position where she is so vulnerable as she was while living in my house, and that she needs her own space and some time to herself. She said she cannot say she wants to remain like this forever, only that it is what she needs now. She is living in her house, and I live in mine - about 5 miles from each other.

We go to couple's therapy every 2 or 3 weeks. We are getting along very well and doing so much better with our communication. We text constantly during the weekdays and speak on the phone on the evenings we are not together. We spend every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday together, including nights. We shop, cook, watch movies or TV, work on home projects - at both places - go out on dates, etc. Things are actually going very well and we are closer than we have been in a long time. We had a lovely Valentine's Day and celebrated our Anniversary this past weekend, also.

[Crimson]

I wouldn't really call it a strange place -- I was there too for awhile. Dating from two separate homes but spending most of our free time together. My XWGF absolutely needed to have her own space for awhile after we were back together - it was a non-negotiable. And, it was a good thing. It gave her time to get comfortable and trust again. She eventually started staying more and more nights at the house -- and soon, just moved back in and got rid of her place.

I think you are in a GREAT place!

[Zelda09]

LovingUs - maybe there was something in the stars in November. A week or two earlier my H and I had almost verbatim the same fight. I was screaming get the F out. That is the marital felony, those words?

[LovinUs]

Crimson & Zelda, thank you for the input. It means a lot to me to hear from you.

I am glad to know this is not such a strange situation - us being together and living apart. It is still not easy. And yes, Zelda, telling my wife to "get the f... out of MY house" was the marital felony. My wife has said she will not live here again because she cannot put herself in a position where I can throw her out again. Of course, we see what happened very differently...

One big issue has been her mother and adult children. She called her daughter when she flew out of here - and then stayed with her daughter's family until she moved back into her own house. So, her family thinks I am a monster and us being together is causing a problem. She says they are going to have to deal with it, or not see much of her. But I know the thought of not being in the lives of her daughters and grandkids tears her up. It hurts me, too. They are the only family I have and the holidays were nightmarish without them. Anyway, she made a comment this evening on the phone about not having family anymore, that their relationship is a problem because of me. She said that because we have forgotten things does not mean they have - or will. Her eldest has said she will want to talk with me, that she has some questions for me, but she is hurt and needs time. Upon my wife's suggestion, I called the elder daughter a couple of weeks ago, left a voice mail saying I was ready to talk when she was, whether we meet for coffee or speak on the phone. I have not heard from her since. I am afraid prolonging things will only make the situation worse and more tense.

My wife had lunch with her mom today, and I don't know what transpired with that. What I do know is I got up early this morning to have coffee with my wife before she left for work and we both enjoyed it - her telling me how much she likes having that time with me and it starts her day off right. And this evening, she is upset and hanging up the phone on me. Geez...

[labug]

You're wife has a lot going on in respect to her family. Give her and the family time to figure all that out. Have no expectations. Have no timeline.

What are you doing to work on you? I would guess you saying 'GTF out' was the straw that broke the camel's back. What else is happening in your M?

[LovinUs]

Well, labug, a lot is going on, actually. I was injured in a motorcycle accident 16 months ago, and my mother died two months later. I had several injuries, (the worse was my upper leg - open fracture, partly crushed) and 5 surgeries, and started physical therapy Christmas Eve 2014. I finally got disability at the one year mark - and it does not cover my house note. The woman who caused my accident had the minimum insurance to meet the law - 15K, and my medical bills are over 250K at this time. She got a ticket, but big deal. My first attorney dropped me when there was no money to go after. I went through most of my savings since the accident and will not be able to return to my career, due to physical limitations. My wife has had a hard time dealing with my injury and surgeries - she would get very upset and had a hard time dealing with the stress. Right before my last surgery, my wife up and quit her job, saying she wanted to be with me for the surgery and recovery. She did not work for one month, then started a job making a lot less money. I was on an anti-depressant and it quit working, so they doubled the dose. I started having terrible side-effects, and it still was not working - so I quit taking it. Then, I had horrible withdrawals and THAT is when we had our awful fight, and my wife left.

Since my wife moved back into her house, I have given her everything she wanted and helped her in every way I could. I am also going to have to sell my house, so I am trying to get it ready to list. Part of that includes dealing with my mother's belongings - which has been very emotional for me. I guess I am finally grieving her loss. I took care of my mother for the last 10 years of her life.

I am kind of skimming the surface here, but that is it in a nutshell. My wife had said she was scared when I got so mad, and that is why she left. Me and those who know me knew I would never hurt her - but that means nothing if she felt threatened by me. So now her family think I am this monster. They do not see the bigger picture or how she contributed to us getting to that moment. I have not complained or blamed her for what happened or my current state.

My wife has admitted that she probably over-reacted by leaving and moving out so quickly without giving any time for things to calm down and us to talk. She also admitted to "running her mouth" to her family. She has not said so, but I believe she regrets that. She said love was never the problem - she still loves me, is in love with me and wants a life with me. She said the only way we will not stay together is if I do something really stupid and over the top. I feel very overwhelmed and lost. I am trying to pull it together.

So, what am I doing to work on myself, you ask? I go to physical therapy twice a week and am working hard to get mobile and stronger again. I am working out with a personal trainer (a perk from my wife's new job) twice a week - expect to increase to 3 times a week soon. I lost 23 pounds since she left. I am working on household projects, selling some things around my house and clearing out the place to prepare to list it to sell and downsize. I am seeking help from SS Disability's "Ticket to work" program to find a new line of work. I need to get out of this house and back to work. I am staying in touch with friends and seeing them when they have time.

[LovinUs]

BTW...I received my books and have read the first one. I will start reading "Divorce Busting" tonight. We have a couple's therapy session in the morning. So far, every time we have gone has been very productive and we come away feeling better and with new tools and/or goals or guidelines. We both write down things we would like to address in our sessions. I am a bit apprehensive about some things I want to discuss. I hope it goes well. There has been tension between us since last night.

[LovinUs]

Well, we had a rough time at counseling yesterday. Some things from the past came up that we have not agreed on. We still do not agree. This has been our toughest joint session since she moved out. It was hard to through. What we have been good at is leaving there and not allowing it to ruin our day/weekend/time together.

We went on to have a good day. We did some shopping, then spent the day working in my yard. We got a lot done and enjoyed our day. I cooked a nice dinner and we spent the evening snuggled up together watching 2 movies.

We have spent some time during the day working around my house before, but this was the first time we spent the evening at my house. She woke me up at 1 am, saying she was not feeling well physically, was having some anxiety with memories coming back and needed to go home to her house. She already had her things together and pretty much flew out of the house when I got up. She texted me to let me know she was home. She wrote she is not feeling good and needs some time to herself, that she loves me, but some things are still hard. I responded that I am sorry, too, love her and want to work things out. She said it is a hurdle that she has to deal with, and that we will talk tomorrow.

I feel hurt and stunned. I know it was awkward when I first started staying at her house and felt like leaving before, but I stuck it out. I guess I have to relax instead of getting so upset I feel like I can't breathe. My stomach is in knots and I did not sleep much - as I am sure is the case with her. We both get up early, and I have not heard from her, but I am not going to call her. I am laying around in bed, rather depressed and not sure what to do with myself. Damn, this is so hard. I am not doing very well.

[LovinUs]

Well, my wife did text to see if I was awake this morning. She apologized for the night before, said she was feeling now fine, and asked if I wanted to take a ride. We were expecting a beautiful, unseasonal day - sunny & high in 70s. We went for a ride to the coast and had a really nice day on the beach, shopping, eating, just soaking up the sun.

When she had left and said she was never coming into my house again, I let my cats inside when it got cold. My wife is very allergic and has asthma pretty bad. In the last month, she expressed a desire to spend time with me here again, so I again put the cats out and started spring cleaning the house. Evidently, she still had an allergy attack when she tried to spend the evening/night with me. She used her "puffer/Inhaler" several times while we were relaxing that evening. The medicine makes her hyper and wide awake, so when we went to bed, she could not relax and go to sleep. She said she was pacing and got anxious thinking about past bad times in the house and got upset - then when her breathing was not getting better, she had to leave. My wife said it had nothing to do with anything I did, that I did nothing 'wrong' and things were fine with us, that the emotional stuff is something she needs to work out for herself. As far as the allergies go, I am changing the central air filter and cleaning the filters on the air cleaners in the house again. It will take time for the allergies to clear out. My wife still wants try to spend time at my place. With things being so delicate, it is like being on an emotional roller coaster - every time anything is wrong, it is very upsetting. I have to work on relaxing and just taking it easy when things are not perfect.

When we got home from the coast yesterday, we spent some time at my place with our dogs, then she went home to do some chores to get ready for her work week. I went to meet a friend to shoot some pool. My wife texted, asking me to call her. She did not know I was out. She asked me to come spend the evening and night with her. It was a nice evening.

[labug]

Well, labug, a lot is going on, actually. I was injured in a motorcycle accident 16 months ago, and my mother died two months later. I had several injuries, (the worse was my upper leg - open fracture, partly crushed) and 5 surgeries, and started physical therapy Christmas Eve 2014. I finally got disability at the one year mark - and it does not cover my house note. The woman who caused my accident had the minimum insurance to meet the law - 15K, and my medical bills are over 250K at this time. She got a ticket, but big deal. My first attorney dropped me when there was no money to go after. I went through most of my savings since the accident and will not be able to return to my career, due to physical limitations. My wife has had a hard time dealing with my injury and surgeries - she would get very upset and had a hard time dealing with the stress. Right before my last surgery, my wife up and quit her job, saying she wanted to be with me for the surgery and recovery. She did not work for one month, then started a job making a lot less money. I was on an anti-depressant and it quit working, so they doubled the dose. I started having terrible side-effects, and it still was not working - so I quit taking it. Then, I had horrible withdrawals and THAT is when we had our awful fight, and my wife left.

You do have a lot going on. How are you dealing with the emotional side of things? I know you were on an AD and it didn't work. Depression is a part of everything that's happened to you, what are you doing that's working or not working in that area.

Since my wife moved back into her house, I have given her everything she wanted and helped her in every way I could. I am also going to have to sell my house, so I am trying to get it ready to list. Part of that includes dealing with my mother's belongings - which has been very emotional for me. I guess I am finally grieving her loss. I took care of my mother for the last 10 years of her life.

You have my sympathy, that's so difficult to do.

I am kind of skimming the surface here, but that is it in a nutshell. My wife had said she was scared when I got so mad, and that is why she left. Me and those who know me knew I would never hurt her - but that means nothing if she felt threatened by me. So now her family think I am this monster. They do not see the bigger picture or how she contributed to us getting to that moment. I have not complained or blamed her for what happened or my current state.

Do you understand why your W might have left like that, why she was so fearful? There's a book, How to improve your marriage without talking about it that might also be helpful to you.

We have no control of what others think of us. We can only show the world who we are and let the chips fall where they may.

So, what am I doing to work on myself, you ask? I go to physical therapy twice a week and am working hard to get mobile and stronger again. I am working out with a personal trainer (a perk from my wife's new job) twice a week - expect to increase to 3 times a week soon. I lost 23 pounds since she left. I am working on household projects, selling some things around my house and clearing out the place to prepare to list it to sell and downsize. I am seeking help from SS Disability's "Ticket to work" program to find a new line of work. I need to get out of this house and back to work. I am staying in touch with friends and seeing them when they have time.

You are doing a lot. I commend you.

I ask lots of questions, but they aren't meant to be aggressive or doubting.

I believe we all have our answers inside, we just sometimes need help shining a light on them.

[LovinUs]

Thank you for your response, labug.

Concerning the emotional side of things, I am just sucking it up and doing the best I can. I am not willing to take any drugs at this time, after the side effects and withdrawals I experienced with the AD. I spend too much time at home and alone right now since I am not working. I do not have family of my own and my friends are not around like they used to be. I'm just taking it one day at a time and doing the best I can. Some days are pretty tough.

I do understand why my wife left when things got that heated. At the time, I had no idea she was scared and felt physically threatened - we both were hurt, angry and yelling ugly things. I would never hit/hurt her. What I do not understand is why she went so far as to move out without even trying to talk about things when we calmed down. I guess she did what she felt she had to do. She left during the argument, refused to talk with me, and moved out in less than a week. She has admitted (once or twice) that she "probably over-reacted".

Most of the time, we seem to be doing just fine; we get along well, are affectionate and enjoy each other's company. Then some days, things get all intense and uncomfortable and feel like they are falling apart, and I just don't know what to think. Is this up & down fairly common at this point?

[LovinUs]

We are moving along, doing okay. W seemed to get upset with me easily lately, imagining she knew what I was thinking and/or feeling. The problem is that she was wrong. She thinks I'm mad and only concerned with me and us, when that is not the case. Her daughter is having trouble with her boyfriend, is greatly upset, and is coming into town for a visit with W. W is worried about her daughter and is stressed because of the tension still between them over me. I remained calm, and only asked necessary questions to effectively communicate and have a clear understanding of what is going on. I (calmly) told W that she was wrong about what I am thinking and feeling, that I feel she has been rather hard on me, and she is not doing what our MC told us to do. To her great credit, we turned the evening around and had a good time together. The rest of that evening and the next, she was relaxed, fun and affectionate. Very nice.

[LovinUs]

I have something else important to add! I have not been using my crutches for over a week now!! That is tremendous news. I am also making strides towards getting back out into the working world. I am so very ready to get back to work and have a life outside of this house again!

[labug]

Most of the time, we seem to be doing just fine; we get along well, are affectionate and enjoy each other's company. Then some days, things get all intense and uncomfortable and feel like they are falling apart, and I just don't know what to think. Is this up & down fairly common at this point?

I think it's common at any point. It's a relationship with another person, separate from you. It will sometimes be tense and uncomfortable.

How do you handle those feelings?

[LovinUs]

labug, When things get tense and uncomfortable now, I work hard to stay away from old habits. Recently, I ALMOST got up, grabbed my things and stormed out. Instead, I went in the kitchen and washed the dishes to have something to do with myself and some time to cool down. I thought of how getting mad and leaving would affect us, and where W's mood was coming from. I did not yell or get angry. I got quiet and thought before speaking. It all had to do with her daughter(s) and current relationship(s) with her family - which W was blaming on me. When I went back in the living room, I told W that she was wrong about how I was thinking and feeling, and I felt she was being pretty hard on me. I reminded her that she was not doing what our therapist said to do, and she was repeatedly throwing it in my face about the family problems due to us being together. W actually apologized and asked me for patience, saying she was very stressed out and worried about her baby. I then went home and gave her some time to herself. Later that evening, W came to my house; we watched some TV and had dinner. She was very pleasant and upbeat, and actually massaged my bad leg - something she had not done in months.

If something comes up that we have covered in therapy, I remind W what our therapist said on the topic. It is often something we disagreed on, and are supposed to leave behind us - agree to disagree sort of thing. I find that if W and I actually stay calm and talk about what is going on, we do fine and work things out.

I feel like my wife holds all of the cards right now. It is tough sometimes. She will not stay overnight in my house because she says there are bad memories here and it gives her anxiety, so we spend very little time here. That is hard and gets old. W makes the decisions of what we do, where we go, what we watch or listen to, when we eat, go to bed, bathe, etc. But, what choice do I have? I love my wife and want my marriage to work.

W's youngest daughter came into town Thursday, and stayed with her mom. I still had not seen her since W moved out. Friday, YD went out with some friends, so W and I unexpectedly went out to dinner together. Nice. Saturday I had a surprise party to attend for one on my best friends, and W had her daughters/family coming over for pizza and a visit. The oldest daughter is the one who has been so resistant. OD and her family came and left early. W texted me that YD said she wanted to see me walk (just walking again after 16 months). I had to pass near W's house on my way home, so I asked if she wanted me to stop by. My wife said yes, absolutely - that YD and Middle Daughter wanted to see me. I had not yet seen MD's new baby yet. I was almost crying, just thinking about seeing the kids and grandkids for the first time since W moved out. It was a nice visit and an ice breaker. W, her mom, sister, YD, MD, MD's husband and their two daughters were there. It was so nice to see everyone. I only stayed about a half hour - W and I were going to a fund raiser / dance that evening, and I had to go get ready for our date.

OD is very good at holding a grudge. She held W at arm's length before we ever had problems. She still holds it against me that I missed a couple of family events last year - but I was sick and recovering from a major surgery! She says so why is it important for me to see them now? OD was not answering W's calls & texts while YD was in town. OD really hurt W. OD is passive-aggressive and kind of punishes W for her imagined slights. I guess the good news is that YD & MD are fine having me around again. I did not want to spend another holiday alone, without my family. The bad news is W is very hurt by OD's behavior recently. But, W is almost to the point of not trying so hard to win OD over concerning me. The funny thing is that OD invited us all to go on a family cruise for Mardi Gras next year, and we are all booked. So, we have less than a year to put this behind us.

My W still is often a bit distant, but is slowly becoming more physically and verbally affectionate. She regularly says she loves me and has been admiring my slimmer physique. She lets me know she looks forward to our time together and is asking to add time together when our regularly scheduled days are not available for whatever reason. I keep working on me and will do my best to stay calm and cool, and think before speaking or taking action. I never let W forget how beautiful, gorgeous and simply stunning I think she is, and that I notice and like how her physique is slimming down, too (we both are working out with a trainer twice a week). Yes, I am still very much in love with her...

[LovinUs]

It has been awhile since I've checked in. I remember, when things were going so badly in my marriage, how I looked for hope. So I thought I'd update and give some hope to others who are going through hard times.

Things are going great with my marriage and life overall.

My wife is always at home with me and is looking forward to moving back permanently. :-) We are going to sell her house and refinance mine in both of our names, so it will be OUR home.

We are making good progress healing the relationship with my wife's daughters and family. It is so nice to again be welcomed for holidays and family get-togethers. We have two family vacations planned, a cruise and a beach get away for my wife's 50th birthday. The grandkids are growning like weeds.

I started training in a new career that is not so physical, where I am making decent money and have room for advancement. I am learning fast and am delighted things are going so well. It is great to be healing and working again.

My wife and I both continue to workout twice a week with our personal trainer. We are getting stronger, losing a bit of weight - looking and feeling better. We start with a nutritionist next month.

Life is good.

If you deeply love your spouse, don't give up. It's never too late. For a while there, my wife was so ugly and unforgiving to me, I wondered why I hung on. I just sucked it up and let her know I was in our marriage for the long haul; that I was not going anywhere and would be there for her. See a therapist - alone and/or together. It made all of the difference in the world to us.


I wish everyone a happy future. :-)

[Cadet]

What is "bomb drop", Cadet?

During our "perfect storm" of a fight, she was telling me what an awful human I am and how she would rather 'be dead' than spend another minute with me. As you can imagine, this cut pretty deeply. And here is where I committed my marital felony (according to our therapist). I asked her what she was doing there if I am such a terrible person, then I told her to get the ___ out of my house. I took it back right away, and asked if we could just slow things down and talk, but it was too late. She was in her nightgown, grabbed her keys and cell phone and ran our of the house - no shoes, no purse. She did not respond to my phone calls or texts. About a half hour later, the doorbell rang. It was the city police, saying she wanted to get some of her belongings and would move out by that weekend. She would not talk with me, quickly grabbed some things and was gone. I was completely stunned and quite devastated.

We both own our own houses. We lived in my home and rented out hers. My wife moved back into her house that next weekend.

Sorry for answering so late but bomb drop is what you describe below the question.

When the WAS no longer wants to be married.

I am glad you feel your marriage is on the right track.
Keep learning, and listen to LABUG

[PT33]

hi lovinus
I am really hoping and praying my situation ends up like yours. I'm not sure how to link the post, but if you would take a look I would appreciate feedback/advice from another same sex couple

[job]

Here is PT33's thread in the Newcomers section:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2590380#Post2590380