well this weekend has been the most emotional 2 days i have ever had. It stems back to Friday when me and my wife started talking when i had asked her not to lie to me anymore. From this stemmed talks about us and R and D8 and pretty much everything. There was no begging, pleading or dictating from me. It did culminate in us talking to each other like we havent talked for years.
We both took D8 to horse riding this weekend which was nice. My wife was visibly upset though. When we got back we spent time talking to each other. She is in a lot of pain. She was crying a lot and very emotional. I think reality of what we have done has hit home hard this weekend. This continued on and off all day. Every time she looked at me she started crying and said she felt terrible and sick. I tried to reassure we would be ok but im also struggling. In the evening we were up till 1am just talking. She is very upset. She is worried about D8. she is worried about me. She is worried about herself. I have never seen her so upset. im actually very worried about her. We talked about reconciling , seperating, she wants to put her rings back on, she doesnt want her rings back on, she still loves me , she doenst know what she feels. She was reading relate about success stories asking how can we fix it what do i want her to do it just went on and on. She is very confused and very messed up. She talked about how she wished we had had another child which i said i wish we had as well but it doenst matter now. its history. She got really upset saying its the one big regret she has. I said you could still have another child she said she wouldnt have a child with anyone else, she only wants one with me. Said she will never marry anyone else. Our wedding day was best day of her life. Now im listeing being supportive but what she is saying is killing me. We hugged a lot I was just as supportive as i could be with her. This carried over into sunday where again she was still very very down. Doesnt know what she wants. She talked about her aunty who she has never been close to before but she is doing some work for my wife. She split up with her hubby a few years ago for 18months he was out doing his thing and she fell in love with someone else. Just as they were about to sign d papers they said wtf are we doing and have now reconciled. She has told no one about OM. I told her she needs to speak to someone. Not me, not OM not her friends but someone independant who wont judge and can give her some advice. She said she is going to go and see a councillor. Her friend gave her some details of some. Thats up to her.
Its awful but we feel closer to each than we have done for a very long time just as we are about to seperate.
I have managed to secure this other house. So will be moving in a couple of weeks. I'm upset as our family will be differrent for ever but i know deep down this is what needs to be done. I need to let go of my wife. She has to find out what she wants to do and i need to move on.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
If you truly ARE moving on, this is fine, SRD. But I don't get the sense you're done at all, and I just want to urge you -- if you ARE still trying to re-attract your wife, you don't want to turn to her to soothe you while she's still wayward. It may make you FEEL better in the short-run, but you're killing attraction long-term.
I am glad she seems to be being more honest with you, however.
My head is completly up my A**e after this weekend. I thought I was done. I was starting to feel detached. I was starting to feel positive about moving out and then she hit me with all this at weekend. She was her driving it. She was so upset all weekend. I've never seen her like. I just couldnt be tough on her. I think reality has suddendly just kicked in for her. That i am moving out and that we are going to have to tell our D8. She was aking me what i wanted her to do and although i desperatly wanted to say "sell up and never see om again we can fix this" i didnt. I just said i cant tell you what to do. You need to find out for yourself. We were a lot more honest. We spoke more deeply and intensley than we have in many years. although i know she is holding back a bit on the timeline. I know because i found other stuff (stumbled across it) which confirms she has been fantasing about it for longer. So even if PA was only last 6 months or so she has been EA for a lot longer. I dont care about that. It hurts but im no angel If she felt safe with me she wouldnt have been interested. She has just made it so bloody hard by throwing things out there about having children with me and never marrying anyone else she thinks she'll be alone, reading success stories wanting to put her rings back on annoyed that im now the man she wanted me to be back years ago. I just cant take it. She's just dangling me on a string. I know what you are saying. For my own sanity i need to detach from her. I need to let her go. We need some space. I cant think straight at all. AHHHHH my head is truly going to explode today.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
I didn't say to be "hard on her," SRD. I simply said not to turn to her to soothe yourself (hugs, crying, long intimate talks, etc.) while she's still unrepentantly wayward.
although i know she is holding back a bit on the timeline. I know because i found other stuff (stumbled across it) which confirms she has been fantasing about it for longer. So even if PA was only last 6 months or so she has been EA for a lot longer. I dont care about that. It hurts but im no angel If she felt safe with me she wouldnt have been interested.
Bull$h*t. You may be (and probably are) 50% responsible for the conditions that led to your marital dysfunction (not standing up to your mother's meddling, for example), and eventually her VULNERABILITY to an affair. But the affair itself -- and its subsequent, long-term DECEIT -- is strictly her doing. Do NOT accept responsibility for that, and you actually do HER no favors by letting her off the hook for that part. The emotionally healthy (not to mention, moral/ethical) way to have responded to her deep unhappiness in the marriage would have been to TALK to you about it, and try to work it out (if anything, reading your early posts it sounds like YOU were the one that would at least try to address the emotional and physical distance?) . . . or, if all else failed, to end the marriage BEFORE hooking up with some other guy.
Sorry, but this is just more moral equivalency from you, and yes -- she's messing with your head and your detachment here.
Your response to her pain and her thousands of words should have been "I hear you -- you were hurting, and for my part in getting us to that point, I'm truly sorry. But you still shouldn't have invited someone else into our marriage, and I won't take responsibility for that -- that's on you."
She's looking to you to soothe her destructive choices, and you're looking to her to soothe your pain. If you're truly DONE, and you want to be friends and co-parents that's fine. But if you're still DBing it needs to start with RE-ATTRACTION, and as I was told (repeatedly!) in my own sitch, "Melty Man" does NOT re-attract a wayward spouse.
You're absolutley right. I dont accept resposability for her affair but yes wording in the way I have lets her off lightly. I have told her before that this is on her. I accept no responsability for it. I am melty man My head is totaly messed today. She has mailed me again a few times about nothing in particular which just keeps me dangling. Last week i got days of no contact. I dont know what the hell i am and until I'm away from her i dont think i will. How can i be done. I just cant switch off that this is my wife or is this just my ego again. She needs to work her own problems out. I cant keep being her support system.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Not when she's still with someone else, no. Unless and until she is willing to re-commit 100% to the marriage, unfortunately all you can do is GAL and move on down the path. As you know from posting on here and reading the book, Step #1 is DETACHMENT, and unfortunately you're not even THERE yet. Each time you start to get there, the convos she has with you and the way you go "melty man" on her just messes with your progress, in my view.
I'd advise you to re-read Sandi's 37 Rules, and start with the VERY BASICS. Like "no R talks!" and maybe one or two others.
Look, I am by nature a fixer/pleaser/classic "Mr. Nice Guy" melty man myself. And it just KILLED me that I could NOT turn to my wife to soothe me during our sitch. Much of that was solved by the daily intel I was getting (trust me, you really don't WANT to turn to your wife for sympathy when you just read an "ILY" text she sent to her OM, or heard am MP3 recording of them having sex in his truck ... ugggh!), but even then I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her.
" If I'd truly loved her I wouldn't have strayed and I would have been more supportive."
Total BS. Love is a CHOICE and an ACTION. It's not a feeling. You wanted someone else to stroke your ego so you took it. Get over yourself, take responsibility for the things you did and get better from there. Start actually doing something rather than looking for excuses.
Starsky's got the right points for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey starsky Your right. I was feeling marginally better last week and now dragged right back in. No I defo don't want to here them having sex. What I saw on Friday was too much at the time and it was nothing compared to that. The sooner I'm out the better. Wife has decided to go and see a councilor. I see it as a plus. She is the sort of person who keeps stuff in and pull your socks up and get on with it type person. She hasn't told a single person about her affair.
Mr bond
As always you bringing me crashing back to earth with your blunt reality. I wish you were sat on my shoulder so you could just give a slap when I start talking sh1t and moping about. I'm struggling but without you lot helping me id be nowhere.
Appreciated as always
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
More upset this morning. My D8 whilst getting ready for school was talking about us all going back on holiday to where we went last year. My heart strings were stretching. This is not going to happen. Then I get an email from my wife. Our D8 has asked her why she still isn't wearing her wedding rings. Wife is upset by this and doesn't know what to say. I knew this would happen and said so weeks ago but it was her decision to take them off and leave them off. She must deal with the questions. I replied with "she will wonder why you aren’t wearing them. She will know something is wrong. When we tell her it will no doubt all drop into place. I know it’s really upsetting, we will all be ok though"
I used validation cheat sheet to help with my reply
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
