Mozza (9) + Links to success stories

[LisaB]

Hi Mozza, I think being polite with the in laws is part of the package when you have kids. Now you are truly family and so you'll always have a connection.

I wouldn't read too much into their behavior it could really mean anything.

[Mozza]

Thanks all. You've reinforced my intention to avoid R talk with my in-laws, even though I'd really like to get a feel about whether we're on the same side on this as my WAW is sending mixed signals about it. I'm guessing it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I was reading on the MLC side and someone posted about making a list of all the things you wouldn't want to go back to with and about your ex. Try it. It can be quite enlightening. Often when we are missing them we forget some of the stuff that we don't miss. ; )

I'm afraid of doing this. As much as I know I need to detach, I'm afraid of falling out of love with her and then never be able to get back together, even though there was so much love and the kids.

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OK, I've just done it... It was rather unpleasant. I'm not sure why. I just don't like to dwell on these things. I've written many letters and emails about how upset I am with her. I complain to friends and family about her shortcomings that lead us where we are. Yet, it didn't feel good to create the list and I can't say that I feel much better afterwards. Maybe later.

My other problem with this kind of list is that I could do it for any spouse, including the next one for whom I'll likely to be head over heels for a while (this whole sitch has disillusioned me a lot about real love). The crux of it is that WAW left me because this tally about my shortcomings was bigger than her tolerance would allow; but that whatever was wrong with her, it wasn't enough for me to leave her. I'll never come up with a strong enough list to make me feel good about being S.

During our S talks of 2009, I sent her a list of things I liked about her (I was not BDing back then, but it worked... for a while...). This is the kind of things that I always liked to think about, especially in the good moments. Since BD, I've made a list of things I'd like to do with her (or my next partner...), how I'd like to be different, a list of surprises to make her happy, etc. I'm much more enthusiastic about that.

Thanks a lot Karma12 for the suggestion. I appreciate exploring all manners of solutions and thought experiments.

[Wonka]

Mozza,

MIL not liking you at all. I wonder if it had anything to with your negative talk and put downs over the years. As you can imagine, no mother likes to have a son or daughter being dismissed and thought of in a negative light. After years of your negative talk, it isn't any wonder that MIL is wary of you being around her daughter.

Any parent's dream is for their son/daughter to be truly loved by the spouse in a supportive and uplifting way.

Does it really matter what you'd like to know about "being on the same page" when your actions have demonstrated thus far? That will take a long time for MIL to come around to believing that your changes are genuine and lasting.

I don't blame her at all. My youngest sister was married to a man who constantly put her down...both in private and public. All of that just wore down her self-esteem and her bright light was severely diminished UNTIL she finally divorced him.

Food for thought.

Did you just sent out that whack email? Why??!! Why??!

[jim0987]

Hi Mozza,

I'm not sure i agree that that kind of list (of their negatives) is helpful. I feel it would make me more angry, especially as it is my ego's sense of injustice and helplessness that is driving my anger at the moment. I think that list would worsen it

how I'd like to be different

this gem was tucked in there, thats the list i think has the most value for whatever your future relationship looks like

given everything going on you seem remarkably ok.

as always wishing you the best.

[Complex]

I'm asking myself when the best timing is to talk to in laws. Sometime early in the stitch, depending on WAS behaviour, it could be beneficial. Or also later if W is confused. But you never know how or if she really is. It's a risk it's going against you, depending on the family.
It highly depends on how the family functions too. There are a lot of factors. But IMO if you talk to the with the utmost of respect, without any blaming whatsoever, I don't see why it would harm the situation. But that's just my opinion. And I fo t have experience with it.

It feels like WAWs that are breaking their marriage also break with their families a bit.

But if you do talk to them you DEF need to be fully detached. If you're not I'm sure you'll make mistakes too early in the sitch.

[Karma12]

Hi Mozza!

The list helped me in this way. I missed the old H. From the beginning that was engaged, loving affectionate.

What I did not miss. The H, that was withdrawn, that ignored me, that let me go for a biopsy alone, that dismissed my feelings, that cheated on me. That told me he was unhappy after I told him I was unhappy and tired of doing pretty much everything. After fighting for custody of his daughter I was the primary parent. He was very messy....I am not. I cooked he didn't. Now the house is a pigs pen. My poor SD is running a muck at 13 yrs old. The pets are not being taken care of. His life is in constant conflict and I do not miss any of that one bit!!!!

My home is peaceful...it is clean....I have food in my home that is not rotten. When SD comes she feels loved and taken care of. My kids ( adults now ) say my home feels so welcome and inviting.

I chose peace and harmony in my life. I feel compassion for my ex spouse. He has lost so much that he is not even aware of yet. His daughter is angry and resentful. He has lost a wife that only a fool would leave. Life is about choices...

I chose peace....and healing...

[Mozza]

MIL not liking you at all. I wonder if it had anything to with your negative talk and put downs over the years.

I can see how that could be a plausible explanation for her attitude. She has made her reasons very clear, however, both to WAW and to me. A month or two into our R, when we still lived in their country (and I hadn't criticized her daughter ever yet), she called me for a meeting and told me the whole story of her daughter, implying that she was not for me. When it blew up a few years later, I called her to try to smooth things out. We spent some 40 minutes on the phone where she explained again her reasons for disliking me and it had nothing to do with my behavior. Over time, once she reconciled with her daughter, she started to accept me and was then polite. We all acted as if nothing had happened. I think she did it to make her H happy and that it wasn't working anyway.

Did you just sent out that whack email? Why??!! Why??!

Not sure what you're referring to?

given everything going on you seem remarkably ok.

Thanks jim09087. This was surprisingly soothing. I don't feel alright, with all this pain, but I try to make it so. This morning, I woke up after 5 hours of sleep thinking about WAW and OM. It hadn't happened in weeks. No amount of distraction would block that thought enough to put me back to sleep. Yet, I keep a mostly zen-like attitude of letting time do its work, both on WAW and on me.

Well, WAW just sent me one of her random emails and now I'm crying... Seriously, this has to sop: both her and me. I won't respond, even though I'm aching to engage with her.

[Complex]

Sorry to hear she is still 'bugging' you and making you suffer.
But you really do seem well considering what's going on.
Oh man, I said it weeks ago in your sitch...I wish W could see who you are and who you became. But life is about choices, and some people make some and stick with them until they realize what they have done...and even then they will resentfully accept their mistakes and move on.

What are your W's emails saying? Are you thinking about responding that she should stop them?

[Mozza]

GAL and PMA Report | I ended up having a fantastic day just about an hour after I sent the post above, which supports my habit to avoid writing it down every time I'm down because it's all so fleeting. I had one of my most productive days at work since the Holidays and perhaps since BD. Tonight, the kids were in bed early, I've cleaned large parts of the house, etc. I don't even know why. Too bad: I'd like to recreate the conditions. A couple of weeks ago, I ruined my laptop by pouring orange juice on it. It struck my productivity as I couldn't go to my workspace (I'm a freelancer) and had to work from home on my desktop computer, which is not as good. I spent this morning reinstalling software and was back at work this afternoon meeting deadlines. This is great for my PMA.

While I'm at it, and because I'm about to reach the 5-month mark, here are a few things that have improved since DB.

1- I'm closer to my kids, I receive and give them more affection.
2- I'm much closer to my parents, with whom I speak at length every day.
3- I got closer to many friends and family members as well.
4- I'm finally seeing an IC, something I wish I'd done earlier.
5- I look better and I'm told often by people who wonder what changed in me. I feel more confident.
6- I exercise regularly, something I hadn't done in some 12 years. I can feel and see the impact.
7- I learned to cook a few new things, including a couple of desserts.
8- My practical life didn't tank, as I feared at DB: work, household, etc.
9- I matured a lot about relationships and my role in them (kudos to all of you).
10- My self-awareness has increased greatly, weaknesses and strengths.
11- I'm not a man only a fool would leave, but I'm closer than 5 months ago.
12- I have gained the respect of many people for the way I behaved in the sitch.

[Mozza]

But you really do seem well considering what's going on.
Oh man, I said it weeks ago in your sitch... I wish W could see who you are and who you became.

Thanks Complex, that's really nice to hear. I also wish my WAW could see it, but I'm really content to do it for myself. I know that I will benefit from it. I do think that our M would be tremendously different and mostly to her liking if she were to come back, but I'm very aware that it doesn't work like that. In fact, it reminds me of my rationale for wanting be with the hottest girl of my high school: But I'd make her so happy! Doesn't matter: she has to want it.

What are your W's emails saying? Are you thinking about responding that she should stop them?

This morning, it was about how her laptop broke down, much like mine did a couple of weeks ago. I had told her about my misadventure as part of the small talk at last week's lunch. She wrote that the two devices must have spoken to each other. It was just a way to relate to me. It seems natural that she thought of me when her computer broke down and I'm not surprised that she didn't have the restraint to avoid telling me about it. When something crosses her mind, it crosses her lips.