Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

Spent the day yesterday chilling and cleaning the house. Had some GAL activity today, D16 and I went to an art festival, ate and stopped at Target on the way home.

H and I were watching TV and I mentioned D13's practice location has changed, he usually brings her on Thursday. He then told me he would bring her Monday because he was leaving Thursday to go see "army buddy." So here is where I am, I don't know if he is going to see his friend or meet an OW. I know I am supposed to accept that he doesn't want to be married anymore. What I don't have to accept is living this way.

Just don't think I can do it anymore. I want and need more. I love him, I want this marriage to work, but not at the expense of me. Part of my life has been on hold for close to 7 years because of his choice to work overseas. Then, a year ago he comes home and tells me he wants a D but makes no move toward a D or toward reconciliation.

[mahhhty]

I wish a vet would help you with this.

It seems that a 180 for you would be to be proactive and address this with him. I would consider your 180s, and make sure your response and the way in which you respond is inline with those.

Everyone is entitled to happiness, unfortunately to be happy it requires effort, it doesn't just materialize. You know and believe this. Therefore, I'd just be really cognizant of the way in which you approach him with this.

[lost18]

You're right Mahhhty, thanks. I'm off the ledge for the moment after an IC appt, some crying and a reclusive day(almost didn't talk to H all day...on purpose, but decided to stop pouting). My IC says I go from A to Z...meaning wanting to save my marriage to kicking him out. My sister said that none of us (me and siblings) are very good at maneuvering the unknown, it's either black or white, unfortunately my life is very gray right now.

IC feels I need to start being more aggressive, telling him what I want instead of going to the extreme of kicking him out. I really don't know what his plan is for the weekend, he could be going to visit his friend as easily as going to meet an OW and if I declare I'm done and he really is going to visit friend than I've completely crushed any positive steps we have made in our marriage.

I know it goes against DB but I think I may need to, for my sanity if nothing else, have a conversation. Haven't decided on that yet but am thinking about it.

[KGirl]

I've gotten some wise advice on here in the past (when I was debating whether or not to move out) that sometimes your sanity is more important. Something to think about. One can only live in the "living together but WTH is going on??" limbo for so long...

[mahhhty]

All - Lost needs some help plotting her next steps. Who has similar experience living with someone who is disconnected from the marriage but not taking any active steps to leave?

[lost18]

So today marks 1 year that H told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. Is it a wonder I'm so confused?!?!

Did(tried to do) something stupid and hope it doesn't bite me in the butt. Where H is going this weekend is really eating at me and it's going to be tough, I would say if I knew for sure he was going to meet an OW that it would definitely push me more towards being done. With that being said, I tried to log into his Skymile acct, I was on it a few days ago, and it seems the password has been changed. Definite red flag. At any rate I may have locked his account with too many attempts. Not good.

Had an interesting conversation with my sister tonight. H has a lot going on right now with his back, job and lawsuit I don't even know if he is giving our M (or lack of) much thought. Going back overseas would be an easy way out for him for sure but he's kind of closed that door for himself. I've been trying to figure out what to do but my sister suggested instead of trying to have a conversation with H about OR I simply let him know that "I know he has a lot on his plate right now and don't know what I can do to help but that I love him and I'm in his corner." I'm not sure if this is pursuit or not but it is definitely a 180 for me.

[mahhhty]

I think that is a great idea. I recommend checking sandi's rules as a check and balance that you are not pursuing but reinforcing boundaries and openness.

[lost18]

If you are new and reading my posts at all please learn from my mistakes. DB101....I'm a year into this and not even close to where I feel like I should be emotionally...maybe on the surface, but not deep down.

I have been a mess the past few days, ready to call it quits mostly over the fact that I was sure H was going to meet some OW this weekend, even failed at snooping to find out. While I have decided that I could forgive him for what has happened in the past, if it continues in the way I was thinking I may not be able to.

H got a call from his attorney yesterday about upcoming Dr visit for his back. He mentioned it to me but the girls started asking questions about it so we dropped it. This morning I asked him what else the attorney had said which started a conversation. He told me that he was not going to his friends this weekend, he was a little disappointed as he was looking forward to it and there is a guy that lives near his friend who is selling original parts he needs for his jeep that he was going to go buy.

My point is I allowed myself to get all worked up because I was so focused on what HE WAS DOING, assumed something that wasn't true and ALMOST ruined any forward progress I have made.

During this conversation I was able to show my support and give some validation to what he is going through. I did tell him I know he has a lot going on and I wish there was something I could do to help but the conversation didn't feel right to continue and tell him that I love and support him. (which does go against Sandi's rules Mahhhty, but since one of the issues in our marriage is that he didn't feel I wanted, loved or appreciated him I don't know that it would be a bad thing.)

Anyway, off the ledge for now, just have to remember and learn from this...

[lost18]

I just wanted to report some GAL activity tonight...my friend I usually meet to run with got caught at work and couldn't meet tonight. Some of my old running/racing friends started a running group on Thursdays, I've considered going before but either D13 had practice (H now takes her on Thurs) or I was running with my other friend and not quite ready for "public running." I decided to go tonight! Had a good time, caught up with some friends, got some exercise and went and had a beer afterwards!

So glad I decided to go, when I was running and doing races I it was probably one of the happiest, most confident times in my life..I used to say I felt better about myself at 40 than I did at 30. This was definitely a push in the right direction!

[mahhhty]

That is GAL'ing!!!! I'm really happy you had fun!