possible/probable mistakes on my part, - I said to W it was nice to see her and i hope she has a nice week. she at best grunted in response - I said 'SIL has sent me a letter which i'd like to talk to you about at some point but its not urgent' she replied by saying she knew SIL was going to but didnt know what she was going to say.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being pleasant to W. In fact, it can be kind of amusing to be nice while watching WAS be grumpy in return. A little game if you will.
But do you really want to talk to W about SIL's letter? What's your goal there?
I would not reply to SIL's nastygram. There is simply no benefit to you whatsoever to do so. Your ego does not need that low grade food.
I would not talk to W about SIL's letter. Again, no possible upside. What do you think the chances are that W agrees with your position and sides against SIL? Zero. And she'll throw in something else to irk you even more, and you'll be fighting to contain yourself.
When you see a hornet's nest that is clearly labeled "HORNET'S NEST", and you happen to have a stick in your hand, resist the urge. No good can come from this.
In this case what i've done is effectively say to wife 'oh look a hornets nest'. Having said that i'm really not someone to put next to a big red button marked 'do not push'
So mentioning it had a couple of objectives, - I've acknowledged it without having to engage SIL - I would like to know if W does feel like SIL describes (I'm 99% certain she does but i would like her to say it). - Its a slight release for my mr fixit in the sense this ball is now with wife - and if wife didnt know (reasonably likely) then she should. SIL has never done anything altruistic in her life.
we will never talk about it though, i can barely get my wife to discuss kids medical things let alone something bordering into relationship territory.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
possible/probable mistakes on my part, - I said to W it was nice to see her and i hope she has a nice week. she at best grunted in response - I said 'SIL has sent me a letter which i'd like to talk to you about at some point but its not urgent' she replied by saying she knew SIL was going to but didnt know what she was going to say.
I'm not sure i want to know but i do wonder what indifference would look like. I wonder if i'm misreading absence of love as anger and hate. She isnt saying nasty things she just simply wont engage on any level and is avoiding any small talk to avoid me getting hopes up.
What do the vets tell you about these things? My impression hasn't changed: I find them very uncomfortable. When I reject someone, I deeply dislike them being nice to me. You always give to your WAW more than she wants from you. That's what irks her. On the one hand, you still wish for R, but on the other hand you seem intent on "being nice to her" as if it brought you closer to that goal. Sometimes, you present it as being true to yourself, but that's not what DB is about. DB is counter-intuitive. DB is about what works. How's that "being nice" working? Where do you find it in DR, for your type of sitch?
As you know from my sitch, there is nothing more I would like than to engage with my WAW. In fact, when she left she wasn't so far off from how your WAW behaves now, without the nastiness. My WAW was utterly indifferent to me and trying to avoid me. Once she was gone, and increasingly over time, I've taken more and more distance, under the advice of vets like Wonka, sandi2 and Labug. Gradually, our roles have reversed. Now WAW is the one reaching out to me and it's me who's non-responsive. I give her less than she wants, so she's asking for more.
So my inclination would be to reject your WAW. Don't be nasty, but do not get into her home, do not invite her in yours, do not ask about her day, keep your distances when she asks about you (it will happen), etc. It seems so self-evident, both based on DB and on real life experience, that I'm not sure why you haven't started doing it yet. I'm guessing it was hard during the in-house S, but now could be a good time to start.
Imagine a colleague you don't really like, but who's infatuated with you. She spends 99% of her time around you acting rather normal, but once a day, she blows you a kiss from a distance. Will you think she's 99% normal? These little things that your WAW rejects from you are likely what stays in her mind and explain why she's being mean and cold to get rid of these behaviors in you. One day, she'll have to be nice or curious and you'll have to keep on being distant so that she knows it's safe to come close. Think of the picnic analogy.
By the way, I really like all that you do with your kids. Congratulations.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi Jim, glad you had a nice time with your kids, and sorry it wasn't the easiest handover. I'm sure they will get much easier - it's still early days after your S, and things are still pretty raw.
"she just simply wont engage on any level and is avoiding any small talk to avoid me getting hopes up" - I think this is mindreading....who knows why your W is behaving this way? It may be not to get your hopes up, it may be a range of other reasons...as V. would say - no doubt all will unravel in time.
As Mozza suggests, it may be worth mixing it up a bit with your behaviour in handovers. If you have tried being chatty and pleasant with a brick wall in response - maybe try a quieter, but still neutral/pleasant approach and see how that goes. Try not asking how she is, or did she have a good weekend?
I too wouldn't broach the SIL letter any further....and I love the hornets nest analogy....My Mum always used to say, "if I tell your brother the stove is hot, he'll put his hand on just to see! Here's the thing though Jim - No good will come of it! You've seen your W's demeanour now. She's never in a month of Sundays going to admit her sister went OTT with the letter. I would leave it well alone, unless she raises it. And if she does, you can maybe just say - Oh that? Not to worry - no need to talk about it.
T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Whatever I'm doing doesn't seem to be working very well.
I guess I don't see it as being nice, more friendly and courteous. I dont ask about what shes up to or anything like that. I'm positive in tone especially about the kids and will occassionaly wish her well or say something affirmative or appreciative. I guess I should drop that side and be solely functional.
There are people I work with who I really dislike but I still say hello, ask after their families etc.
Part of it though is that I worry if I get more cold and mirror her on this I will leave more space for my anger to grow or come out.
Last edited by jim0987; 02/08/1508:47 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, I don't think you are aiming for cold, or to mirror her. Keep it subtle. If you asked how she was doing last time, don't ask next time. But don't be cold, just be busy with the kids etc and get them sorted. Maybe if you just focus on them and not on your W next time - not being unpleasant, but just not really engaging because you're getting the kids sorted..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
