The meds are as needed and I figured I'm better off using them when I have to work rather than weekends unless I am feeling really off. Today I didn't feel quite as anxious even though there was some anxiety related to my lesson planning. My blood pressure is also back to normal. Actually it was even kind of low today.
I'm back to wanting to quit. But I think I'm always like that on weekends. There are 10 weeks left. I will take it one day at a time. One week at a time. I'm home now but h is still house sitting. I am surpringly ok. Not obsessing over what he may or may not be doing. I guess a night out with a little flirting was what I needed to get out of my head.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
The meds are as needed and I figured I'm better off using them when I have to work rather than weekends unless I am feeling really off. Today I didn't feel quite as anxious even though there was some anxiety related to my lesson planning. My blood pressure is also back to normal. Actually it was even kind of low today.
I'm back to wanting to quit. But I think I'm always like that on weekends. There are 10 weeks left. I will take it one day at a time. One week at a time. I'm home now but h is still house sitting. I am surpringly ok. Not obsessing over what he may or may not be doing. I guess a night out with a little flirting was what I needed to get out of my head.
Hello mustardseed,
I have been trying to catch up with your situation. I think you have come a long way!
Not obsessing about what your H may or may not be doing is wonderful. (I wish I could get to that point about my W.)
Hang in there -- we're rooting for you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks Bob. I am feeling good about work right now. The beginning of the week usually goes well, but Thursday's are always really rough. There is no diwn time and I always feel under planned. I think it is because the students' schedules are more staggard. There are fewer pullout and a bunch of my students don't go to some specials due to their disabiliti s so I feel like I need to plan triple. Also my prep time has a lot more kids in the room then any other day and so planning for my TAs during that time I s stressful. Usually they end up doing somethibg I planned for another time or an activity I didn't know about which leaves me floundering later on in the day. Maybe that is the next hurtle to overcome.
I'm also going to try to get most of my planning done after school on Thursday and Friday so I'm not so stressed out over the weekend now that the ieps and meetings are done.
The principal hasn't said anything so I don't know if my changes are changing her opinion or not, but my main focus right now is just getting through each week.
As far as h. He still is house sitting and pops in every now and then before heading back to his buddies house. Ow contacted me yesterday because she wanted to give d a ride home. I told d she needed to wait at the library because I had a dr appointment. H told ow the same thing. I'm sure d was annoyed by having to stay but i still got annoyed that I had to explain my reasonings for wanting d to stay at school to ow. To prove that I'm not putting the kids in the middle, or neglecting my children, but just that if she came home too early she would have been home alone for longer than I felt comfortable.
I can tell the situation stressed h out as well. If d just had her phone charged ow would not have needed to contact me. Life has gotten very complicated for him. I have a bit of spiteful joy in seeing it. I just need to be careful to not think too much about it. My night out out me in a good place and I don't want to lose this pma. Right now I am in the place where she can have him. It won't last anyway. I realized last weekend that I am fun, attractive, and confident with who I am when I am around people who aren't part of his life. I will be ok. He doesn't get to define me anymore.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/14/1511:52 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
He should be coming home tonight. I am feeling anxious about it. I have to go to a school event for s13 and there is a chance of running into ow--but that doesn't bother me as much as having H come home. When he is gone I almost feel like we could be ok. Maybe that is just me continuing to fantasize that he is still the man he used to be. The good news is he isn't going to the event tonight so at least I won't have to see them together. That always sets me off in a really bad way. Take the high road msd. Be proud of who you are and unashamed of what your life has become.
I think I need to file papers ASAP. But my stubborn side is telling me not to because it is what OW told me to do.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/16/1510:17 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Event went great. S was fantastic. No uncomfortable run-ins. H is home and status quo resumes. Two ships passing cheerfully and resentfully in the night. Even my work day went well. I think I might be getting my planning under control enough to overcome even the chaotic days of the week.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I posted this on someone else's thread but I think I should put it here as a reminder and journaling experience. I've been thinking a lot about my night out and what I learned from it. Our crowd was a mixture of single and married people, and me--the in between. No one had their SOs with them. It made me think of what H's nights out without me might have been like.
I found that I could feel comfortable and attractive around other men, and the one I was the most drawn to was married. I didn't feel guilty about a little bit of flirting at the time but I felt awful a few days later. I was trying to figure out what it was about him that attracted me to him, and I realized because he reminded me of H. Not in looks or even personality, but something about the way he carried himself. Maybe it was the marriedness about him I liked. I liked the banter that was just comfortable and fun without any attachment or obligation or expectation. It made me think of how OW might have let her guard down with my H when her marriage was in trouble. I still hate her, but I kind of get it.
I think, for me, it felt like I got to be that friend that got to socialize with him. That is a role I got pushed out of with H. Even when we did go out together it was always with his friends and I always felt like the outsider. So different from when we met--I never thought our fun times together would end. But first he stopped wanting to go out with our mutual friends that we knew before we knew each other. He never would go out with my friends. When his friends started dating my friends he stopped wanting to hang out with them. And the rest of our marriage it was all about his work friends--which I was sometimes invited to, but always as the outsider--unless it was a family or couples outing, which he always tried to get out of going to. It felt good to be on the other side of things. The one who got to have fun and be in the mix, rather than the one sitting at home waiting or sitting on the sidelines while the banter went on around me. I realized that I am still that fun person he met. For some reason he didn't want me to be that anymore and I complied. I think that there is a reason why we become drawn to someone else who is unavailable during this time. The important thing is to recognize it for what it is and cut it off before it gets into the danger zone. The ego boost is useful, the unavailability makes it feel safe, but the reality is it has to stop immediately.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/17/1510:14 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I am needy and every day I break the rules. I keep pushing for answers. He keeps blowing me off and telling me how much he doesn't care for me, I was never his friend, he never trusted me, he would never confide in me. He told me he is waiting for a file number. I guess he did it. Time for me to wait to get served. And I just keep on digging.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/17/1510:49 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Ugh. Why can't I stop??? Why do I feel the need to tell him everything then push him and push him to the point of making him so annoyed. I'm not even sure what I want. I don't want this marriage but I don't want him to win. He says I ambush him every morning. I am constantly trying to have conversations with him. I can't stop myself. I am needy. I am clingy. I am all over the map. Why???? Why can't I just DB like I did over the summer. It was easier to detatch when I felt confident we would make it through this. As soon as that curve ball was thrown it's like I just deteriorated into this needy mess. I wish I just filed before he found a lawyer. I think he might screw me out of child support.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/17/1511:03 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Is there a way to recover from this loss of dignity? Not even to save my marriage but just to save my self respect. Right now I am in a really bad place realizing how desperate and crazy I have become. I can't tell if it is just because he confuses me and twists things until I just start reacting like a crazy person. Or if it is really who I am. Right now I'm afraid that maybe ow isn't an EA at all. And I feel foolish about it. The biggest issue I have is in coming to terms with what the past 15 years of my life was about. What was real about any of this? If he thought this way of me why did it go on for so long? I've lost my mind these past few months. I know he wasn't sure a few months ago and now he is absolutely sure. And I know my behavior since finding out about ow has everything to do with it. Was my whole marriage a sham? Why did he even pretend to want me in the first place. I dont even remember what I loved about him, except the ideal of happily ever after. Our life together has been a disaster. I think it was because we were careless. He thinks it's because we were a mistake. He said that I dont inspire him. I feel like I have that effect on men. Like I make things too easy that they stop trying harder. Do I just have this way of making men fall into a rut once we are in a relationship? Maybe I need to be more bitch and less enabler?
Choices or fate? I believed in fate when we got together, but now I feel like it is all about choices. We need to separate. I know that. Things aren't going to get better and they really suck right now. I'm scared. Im ashamed. Im heartbroken. And I feel the need to hang on to this dead fish of a relationship just to prove it wasn't all make believe. That is crazy, right? Also the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut is crazy too. I tell him everything. For me it is impossible to keep anything in. Why? Especially since it is. Dry clear that he's never felt comfortable telling me anything. That's why this relationship bothers me so much. What if it really is me and not him? im sure it is both of us. He wants me to find someone else. i guess the jealousy issue is no longer in play for him. Now that I got jealous he no longer is.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/17/1511:43 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Is there a way to recover from this loss of dignity?
You are Msd. Pain is not loss of dignity. I am so proud of the way you have handled your work challenge. That is dignity Msd.
Not even to save my marriage but just to save my self respect. Right now I am in a really bad place realizing how desperate and crazy I have become.
lovely Msd you are in pain and grief. This is to be expected, you are human after all. A mother invested in her family, why be surprised. Without exception on this board we have all had this! It is absolutely completely normal, natural and part of the process.
I can't tell if it is just because he confuses me and twists things until I just start reacting like a crazy person. Or if it is really who I am.
The former.
Right now I'm afraid that maybe ow isn't an EA at all.
What a nasty little worm this OW is. Frankly EA or PA it really does not matter. Your H is enthralled and the sooner it runs its course the better
And I feel foolish about it.
It is your H who is the foolish idiot.
The biggest issue I have is in coming to terms with what the past 15 years of my life was about. What was real about any of this?
The past is the past Msd. Leave it, let it rest. Please leave your history as your best memory. I always say today's hurricane need not replace last summers sunny picnic.
If he thought this way of me why did it go on for so long? I've lost my mind these past few months. I know he wasn't sure a few months ago and now he is absolutely sure.
He is an idiot.
And I know my behavior since finding out about ow has everything to do with it.
He is in an A, it has little to do with you. He chose this and you could have been the most wonderful ever and H make his choice. Msd get to a place where you say it is your H behaviour that is the cause not your own.
Was my whole marriage a sham?
Of course not! Why tell yourself this.
Why did he even pretend to want me in the first place.
I doubt he did.
I dont even remember what I loved about him, except the ideal of happily ever after. Our life together has been a disaster. I think it was because we were careless. He thinks it's because we were a mistake.
Your H needs to rewrite history Msd, but you don't have to buy into his version of events. If your washing machine breaks down after 15 years you don't say I bought the wrong machine. You say I will repair it, it has done well. If a tree bough breaks you say I need to prune the tree so it will be healthy.
Choices or fate? I believed in fate when we got together, but now I feel like it is all about choices.
Yes of course it is.
We need to separate. I know that.
Do you! That is why you DB?
Things aren't going to get better and they really suck right now.
They do, and they will get better with time.
I'm scared. Im ashamed. Im heartbroken.
Scared and heartbroken I really understand those. I would ask you Msd why are YOU the one who is ashamed, and is that appropriate?
And I feel the need to hang on to this dead fish of a relationship just to prove it wasn't all make believe. That is crazy, right?
No, it is not crazy. I would like you to want a better R and a different M even if that is with your H. To move forwards rather than to hang on. To want to renew, to want to DB, but Msd no one can ask you to move faster than you want to go.
Also the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut is crazy too.
I am concerned about the use of this word crazy. Msd why that word in particular? What does it mean to you!
I tell him everything. For me it is impossible to keep anything in. Why? Especially since it is. Dry clear that he's never felt comfortable telling me anything. That's why this relationship bothers me so much. What if it really is me and not him? im sure it is both of us. He wants me to find someone else. i guess the jealousy issue is no longer in play for him. Now that I got jealous he no longer is.
So much mind reading. Stop. please stop.
Msd can we explore the use of the word crazy?
It concerns me.
Calm, peace ((((((((Msd))))))) V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
