Wow! The whole idea of turning gratitude around really resonated with me. Most of the time I am one of those super positive people but some days I just feel paralyzed with sadness and grief. The idea of working through it by remembering all the things I am glad to be away from is eye opening.
Your story about the tire is right on the mark too. H had been so angry and short with me for months before he left. My toes were raw from walking on eggshells and the vibe was completely dictated by his mood. I didn't see it until after BD but now I am reminded of it constantly. The air we breathe is lighter. The words we speak are honest and the memories we create are not defined by one person.
H was changing but I was so close I was reacting not truly observing. H was angry but it was not usually directed at me or the girls. He was just unhappy and we all had to deal with it. I think that is why I am dealing with a sadness that just makes me question everything. The tragedy that could have been avoided.
Then again we are all here because we would have done anything to avoid this tragedy for our spouse. Thank you all for listening and helping.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
123Gwen- hang in there! The cycling is awful but each round gets you further away from the drama. I don't think we could have avoided this tragedy ( I used to think so/ being the great fixer that I am). This was going to happen no matter what. And really.... I think the tragedy was them never dealing with their baggage and carrying around weighing them further and further down. I remember a few years before BD noticing my STBX was very restless. I tried to give him some books to read and suggested counseling but he wasn't ready at the time. What's happening now has to be the way it is for them to get through the crisis.
Hang in there- you've got the right idea it just takes time- which I know is frustrating.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thanks everyone. The cycling is brutal. I find it so emotionally draining and truly a tragic experience. That adjective comes up again and again -- tragic.
Supposedly H is responding to separation settlement. Heard that before so we shall see. I keep crying at odd times - I am enveloped in the tragedy. Not because I am a drama queen but because from where I sit it seemed so easily avoidable. I am looking forward to a day that doesn't involve this odd feeling of tragedy.
I still pray for H every morning and every night. I can't get angry but the sadness... I am awash in sadness. When we spoke the other night he never asked about his children. It was like a knife the fact that he never thought of them. I pray for acceptance.
Every day people deal with far worse in the world. I am embearassed to think that I have had such a rough time dealing with the fact that my husband is having a MLC. That his actions are textbook and that his choice to move over a thousand miles away to be with OW is such a clique.
Sorry to whine but venting helps me slog through it. My weekend will be quiet but I think I am just trying to regroup before I start the new job full time. Being a hermit isn't bad as long as I don't make it a habit.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I'm sorry you are struggling and your feelings are normal. It's okay to cry-that's the way to work through your feelings. It's difficult to compare grief as it's not a contest. Your pain is as big as anyone else's and there is no shame in that and the situation is irrelevant. If you are sad and in pain, you just are. And that is understandable.
Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Heather I loved your idea of making a list of all the things you don't want to go back to. What a great idea!
Gwen it takes time to work through all the emotions when your whole life has been turned upside down. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting bad behaviour. It means you are looking at this with compassion and not holding on to bitterness.
I'm 2.5 yrs out now. Im moving forward in my life. I have just tipped my toe into the dating pool. Life is short...too short not to live it.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I have notice time passes differently right now. I guess it is just part of the rollercoaster ride. Also the feeling of loneliness on that roller coaster. For my entire adult life I had a partner beside me. The we is now a me.
D16 remarked how it would have been easier if he had died. I understand what she meant. The memories would have been frozen at a point where we were all happy. Of course I told her that as tough as this is death is final. There are no second chances to build a relationship. I told her love and reconciliation are possible and that is a silver lining. I asked he to keep open her heart for that possibility and that maybe they'd be able to connect again.
So the we is a me and people are starting to notice. The last 2 weekends have found me having to deal with his absence. It hurts and I think that it is a real catalyst for me.
This weekend I am going to lay low and regroup. I totally believe in GAL but right now there is nobody around to notice. I made great strides the last two months with the holidays and finding a job. Right now I just need to hibernate.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, I completely understand the desire to just “hibernate”. I have no energy for GAL. It happens when it happens.
Sometime I think that it would be easier if H died. Yes, there would be happy memories that would not be erased by the hurt and pain. I can tell your D16 is hurting. This is just so sad.
I have the moments of feeling very lonely, when I think that none of my friends or family care and I’m just by myself dealing with this. It is getting better though. I started to feel like I want to change things around me, like I finally realized that I’m my own boss and can do whatever I want with my house and my life. Isn’t it interesting? I think I’m starting to understand what it feels like to drop the rope.
Hang in there, Gwen. One day at a time.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Karma, LoisB, Georgiabelle & Daring - You are all so supportive. When I am home late at night and get on this sight I feel incredibly fortunate to have found others who understand what it is like to love and lose a spouse to MLC. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Thank you for sharing your experiences and offering up support. It can be so lonely but with you all I know I am never far from the support of friends who can truly relate.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
