I don't want to be done but I don't know what else to do. I feel I can't make him happy. I feel he is going to keep pushing me. I want to be in a M where my H makes me feel like he would do anything for both of us.
I know he is unhappy and depressed. But part of me thinks he needs me to get out of his life again for him to see that it isn't me. It is his job and the choices he's made.
I am just tired, tired of putting on a happy face and being the one to bite my tongue because I am trying to be patient for him. I said in counselong the other night I need SOMETHING. I need to feel like he's in this. Him kissing me and telling me ILY is good but he did that the day he never came home from BD so to me it's not telling of anything.
Why am I so undeserving of his love and happiness. How do we get back to where we were? I am on eggshells Bc I don't know how the hell to act anymore. I am nice friendly happy I take care of everything so that when he walks I. The door at 8 he can eat dinner and do nothing.
I am hurt. I am tired of feeling at such a cross roads. This divorce abatement is driving me nuts. I feel like it's a ticking time bomb. That I'm going to get another BD when it's time for us to make the decision of D or not and he chooses D.
Why am I so undeserving of his love and happiness.
I used to ask this on a pretty regular basis. And it took a long time for the answer to sink in. It's not about you. It's about him. You *are* deserving of love and happiness. He doesn't have any to give. This is his issue, T, not yours.
It's just he had it to give when he came back for the first few months and not now.
What changed? Every single person that knows him says the hope he gets this new job because H is always affected by Money/job issues and it affects his every day life.
I know I need to be patient. Our MC said we didn't get here overnight and it's going to take work on both of our parts. I guess I don't see H doing any work but maybe in his mind he is
I see his last action as a reason to place a call to your MC. Ask his professional opinion about the prospects of a couple being in this type of stitch and then the former wayward spouse moves away for 5 out of 7 days a week. I think that is the critical issue at the moment. I can immediately think of a ton of negatives about it, but maybe others can shed some positives. It seems like it would ensure the end of the M, unless you both saw it as a separation with the purpose of giving each other space. It doesn't sound as if that is what you need right now. You want closeness, not more distance. Either way, it is still something he is going to do whatever he wants, regardless. Which he has pretty much told you that when it comes to his work, it doesn't matter how you feel about it b/c you won't have a voice. But this affects your life and the lives of your boys. So, yes........very serious issues with all these job changes (without any explanations).
It may take more than 48 hrs. for this one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
T, I think we have a lot in common. I want my H to be "all in." I want text messages and constant ILYs and lots of affection and sex. Anything less leaves me with the feeling that he's not fully committed.
It's a catch-22. He can't fully commit until I calm down, and I can't calm down until my needs are met. We are trying to navigate that narrow path, but it is hard.
I have had to just accept that my H is different. That he can't just "turn on" those feelings/behaviors like I can. If I step back and try to appreciate the situation fully, my H is trying. It may not be everything I need, it may not be what I/we want the marriage to look like long-term, but it's something.
I think you have to step back and figure out if you're getting enough to keep moving forward in the R.
When H brought up him waiting for the job close to home he said 'I would still like to work at ex boss's a couple times a week. MC immediately shut that down saying he needs to take 6 months for his marriage and when we get to a better place maybe that's something he could do but right now he needs to focus on our M. H just said okay.
I have a feeling MC would not be for this, but H will present it as he has no other choice.
Elsa, I feel the same. I can't chill out because I feel like he's not making an effort but in his mind he probably thinks he is.
I really just don't get how he want from everything for our marriage to this. I thought we were making progress in MC
I am trying to make my changes stick and be positive and happy. Not to bring things up that stress him out. My own sanity needs some reassurance from him because I really have no clue if he's in this marriage or not long term.
He told MC this week he needs more positives from me and not negatives. If anyone has any thoughts im listening. I haven't brought up money or job stuff unless he initiates it and if he does I try to be supportive.
He said he felt things were better between us this week and that we hadn't argued. He just doesn't know what path we are on. When I started saying that I feel like he isn't the same person and I miss hearing from him like I used to he said he doesn't want to have to kiss my ass and feel controlled. MC told him it's nether of those.
It just [censored] that H hasn't taken the initiative to do what the C asked him to do. Is that just because he doesn't give a crap? Or is he really as busy as he says he is at work. When he said in C he was busy. I said I understood what it was like to be busy. MC jumped in and said H you made time for the 3 months you did it every day you found time. So just start doing it and I bet she will be a lot more positive.
Well onto GAL... I'm at a super swanky salon getting my hair done. Just looking at this place is probably going to cost me! Then out with girlfriends after. I have a very fitting dress and some high wedges. Fingers crossed H is awake when I get home.
I know nothing is going to change right now. So I'm going to continue to GAL and let him see what he's missing out on. I'm going to continue to be positive and nice but maybe less available. I'll continue to reciprocate.
Thanks Sandi- He told MC this week he needs more positives from me and not negatives. If anyone has any thoughts im listening. I haven't brought up money or job stuff unless he initiates it and if he does I try to be supportive.
He said he felt things were better between us this week and that we hadn't argued. He just doesn't know what path we are on. When I started saying that I feel like he isn't the same person and I miss hearing from him like I used to he said he doesn't want to have to kiss my ass and feel controlled. MC told him it's nether of those.
It just [censored] that H hasn't taken the initiative to do what the C asked him to do. Is that just because he doesn't give a crap? Or is he really as busy as he says he is at work. When he said in C he was busy. I said I understood what it was like to be busy. MC jumped in and said H you made time for the 3 months you did it every day you found time. So just start doing it and I bet she will be a lot more positive.
First of all, I like how your MC thinks. I wish the MC would look at my H (or me!) and say, "It's so obvious. Just do X." Not because X is all that's needed to fix the problem, but because X might be enough to get us to the next step. Of course, we still have to follow the advice, but at least you're getting it!
Second, what kind of direction is the MC giving YOU? Are you doing what he/she is recommending? Really dig deep here. You can't expect H to follow the MC advice if you're not doing the same.
Third (and this is not classic DBing, but I think it may work in your situation), I think you should initiate more texts/affection/etc. If your H said, "I don't want this M," it would be pursuing. But he's putting forth some effort/interest in continuing the R. If you want texts/affection/etc, then I think you have to model that behavior for him. And I would be surprised if he hasn't thought at some point, "T wants me to send her ILY texts, but she rarely/never does that for me. Why should I bother?"
You don't have to go overboard and make him feel smothered. Just a simple message every few days, and then monitor. I wouldn't make any more jokes about not following the MC advice (even if you meant it mutually) -- it sounds like your H is really sensitive to shaming. Praise him for the positives -- even the little things. If he is anything like my H, he will be more likely to give more.
Also, re: your H's request for more positives, my H says that too. But he can't articulate what he wants me to do, just what he wants me NOT to do. I am of the firm belief that it is much, much harder to recognize when someone is NOT pushing your buttons than it is to recognize when someone is making an effort to be closer to you. You don't recognize the absence of conflict until you're arguing again, but you can recognize a kiss, a gift, etc. Do you know his LL? Is there something positive that you can be doing so that he will recognize you for the all the effort you're putting into to NOT doing the things he dislikes?
