Setting Goals

[susana4]

Thanks everyone for the help. It was a tense birthday because he pretended everything was normal, but there was the elephant in the room. I enjoyed focusing on my three year old though.

Susan, you are right. I'm in the same place as you trying to GAL and follow through but doubting myself too. I find myself repeating "believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does" often to myself. It seems to help me. We can do this Susan, with the wonderful support that is on this board and in the book.

Yes, we can!!! I like the positive vibe! That's a good idea, I'm going to try repeating that phrase to myself too.

Sorry your bday didn't go better. It sounds like it was a good idea to focus on your 3yo though. Never mind H!

[susana4]

Erin, how is it going? Have you managed to do some GAL-ing this week?

[Elly4]

Hi Susan, thanks for asking. Was coming on to post and saw yours. So, I spent a lot of time this week taking care of me and my son. He's been sick and is reacting badly to the medicine. I have made sure to keep myself positive and laid back. My H sends me such confusing messages, that I have a hard time sticking to the 180 at times. I've only read the first part of DR because she said that after reading that far, that's what I should focus on. Maybe it's time for me to read the rest to find out if it's working.

On Saturday, he told me that I would need to get a full time job instead of a part time job. I took that to mean that I needed a full time job so that he wouldn't feel guilty when he leaves, so was upset. Then the next night, he came downstairs and told me, "I know you think I'm leaving as soon as you get a full time job, but I don't know that to be true. I don't know what I want or need. And I hate hurting you and Z." That sounded more hopeful, but I don't know. Two days, two different messages. Rereading the first part of DR though tells me that I shouldn't have assumed that he was telling me he was leaving when I get a job. He might have just meant that financially we really need me to go back to work, which I'm ok with. As I'm an elementary teacher, I probably won't get a job until September. I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation.

Then on Tuesday he told me he's sleeping horribly without me. I just said that I was sorry that he wasn't sleeping well. I'm not blocking him from our bed, except that I don't want him coming back to bed with me when family visits, and then leave again.

TMI? How are you doing Susana? Seems like our situation is very similar

[Elly4]

Oh, and I need advice from anyone on a problem that I'm having. Weekends are tough for him as he stays home and doesn't go out, which feeds his feeling that his life is a deadend. So, it gets very tense in the house. We live 30 minutes from anything, so it's hard to just go out casually. Any advice for GAL in a rural setting? During the week I'm okay, it's really the weekends that are hard. I had a dog event tomorrow, but it was cancelled.

[susana4]

Hi Susan, thanks for asking. Was coming on to post and saw yours. So, I spent a lot of time this week taking care of me and my son. He's been sick and is reacting badly to the medicine. I have made sure to keep myself positive and laid back. My H sends me such confusing messages, that I have a hard time sticking to the 180 at times. I've only read the first part of DR because she said that after reading that far, that's what I should focus on. Maybe it's time for me to read the rest to find out if it's working.

On Saturday, he told me that I would need to get a full time job instead of a part time job. I took that to mean that I needed a full time job so that he wouldn't feel guilty when he leaves, so was upset. Then the next night, he came downstairs and told me, "I know you think I'm leaving as soon as you get a full time job, but I don't know that to be true. I don't know what I want or need. And I hate hurting you and Z." That sounded more hopeful, but I don't know. Two days, two different messages. Rereading the first part of DR though tells me that I shouldn't have assumed that he was telling me he was leaving when I get a job. He might have just meant that financially we really need me to go back to work, which I'm ok with. As I'm an elementary teacher, I probably won't get a job until September. I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation.

How did you react when he said you needed to get a full-time job? What did you say? I wasn't there, so I don't know how he said it but if he just said "you need to get a job", well, it's not really his place to say what you do! Do you want to get a full time job? It depends on the financial implications, I think you should prepare yourself in the case of him leaving, so if that includes getting a full time job (depends on what he'd have to pay in child support, have a look or speak to a lawyer), then you might want to do it for your own peace of mind. Or if it would make you feel good about yourself. But NOT because he says to.

THe reason why I asked what you did or said when he said that, was did you show him you were upset? I know it's hard, but you should avoid it I think. If you felt he was being disrespectful, then you can set a boundary. But you don't know what he was thinking, so it's best not to try to mindread (easier said than done, I know!).

"I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation. " - that's really good! Have you read up on validating feelings at all? I'm finding it hard, but it is really useful just to focus on listening and validating, and not getting your own emotions involved.

Then on Tuesday he told me he's sleeping horribly without me. I just said that I was sorry that he wasn't sleeping well. I'm not blocking him from our bed, except that I don't want him coming back to bed with me when family visits, and then leave again.

TMI? How are you doing Susana? Seems like our situation is very similar

Again, don't jump to conclusions or try to mindread about him coming to bed and leaving again. I think you need to think, if he says he wants to come back to bed, if *you* are prepared for that and where your boundary is.

Thanks for asking Erin. I'm up and down a lot at the moment, sometimes feeling really upbeat and getting out and doing my own thing, and other times just wondering what on earth is going through H's mind. He seems to be growing more and more distant the more I go out.

Oh, and I need advice from anyone on a problem that I'm having. Weekends are tough for him as he stays home and doesn't go out, which feeds his feeling that his life is a deadend. So, it gets very tense in the house. We live 30 minutes from anything, so it's hard to just go out casually. Any advice for GAL in a rural setting? During the week I'm okay, it's really the weekends that are hard. I had a dog event tomorrow, but it was cancelled.

I don't think you should worry about his feelings at all, as harsh as that sounds. You have no control over him or how he feels, and he needs to deal with that. If you want to get out of the house (which it sounds like you do, with the tense atmosphere, and which you should be doing, as part of DBing) then you should. I don't know that much about GAL-ing in a rural setting as I live in a big city, but off the top of my head you could go for a long walk through the countryside. Are there any trails nearby? Do you have a bike? You could go for a bike ride?

But I think you might have to just make the drive (30 mins isn't bad, if you look at Frank's thread, he lives a 4 hour drive!). From what I've read, and what I've experienced, GAL is best done in activities with others, to take your mind off the situation at hand and focus on meeting new people, making conversation NOT about your sitch, and trying new things.

Hope your son feels better really soon. Maybe when he's recovered, you could look up some activities in the nearest town that you could take him to and do together and meet other parents. Or you can ask your H to look after him for the day while you go into town and try a new activity.

[Elly4]

Hi Susan,

When he told me, I said okay and left the room. I was quiet the rest of the night though, so he knew I was upset. I think that due to our money situation, I need to get a full time job. It will remove stress from both of us. I just wanted to wait one more year so that my son would be kindergarten age. There is no guarantee that I'll be able to get a job in the fall as my teacher pay scale is high and they often go for newer, cheaper teachers.

I am trying very hard to stay detached and work on me. When he wants to talk, I validate what he's saying and generally ask if there is anything I can do to help. When he says no, I thank him for talking with me and being open. I started with a counselor today and I think it will be a good match. I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes my emotions get pulled in when I don't want to. She's going to teach me some techniques to keep detached.

I signed up for a dog class on Sunday nights so that I will not be around at that potential powder keg time. Hopefully it helps.

How's your week going?

[Elly4]

I too am having the problem that he seems more distant the more I GAL. Anyone else want to speak to this issue? Am I detaching too much?

[susana4]

Hi Susan,

When he told me, I said okay and left the room. I was quiet the rest of the night though, so he knew I was upset. I think that due to our money situation, I need to get a full time job. It will remove stress from both of us. I just wanted to wait one more year so that my son would be kindergarten age. There is no guarantee that I'll be able to get a job in the fall as my teacher pay scale is high and they often go for newer, cheaper teachers.

I think you just need to make sure whatever you do, you make the decision for you, and not because of what he said. Weight up your options and decide what's best FOR YOU (you might want to speak to a lawyer about child support and financials, as well).

I am trying very hard to stay detached and work on me. When he wants to talk, I validate what he's saying and generally ask if there is anything I can do to help. When he says no, I thank him for talking with me and being open. I started with a counselor today and I think it will be a good match. I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes my emotions get pulled in when I don't want to. She's going to teach me some techniques to keep detached.

I signed up for a dog class on Sunday nights so that I will not be around at that potential powder keg time. Hopefully it helps.

How's your week going?

Great on the counsellor, hope it is help! And good news on the dog class too. Anything else you can do to get out and GAL?

I too am having the problem that he seems more distant the more I GAL. Anyone else want to speak to this issue? Am I detaching too much?

What are you like when you are around him? Are you distant?

I don't think detaching is the problem per se, because detaching is just about removing your attachment to the outcome, and his actions and reactions.

But what I realised I was doing was becoming distant and cold when in the house with H. I went too far in trying to GAL, and thought it meant I shouldn't show any interest in H. I don't know if that's what you're doing or not. I made an effort to be friendlier and speak to him about his day and things have been much, much warmer this week.

Someone might shoot me for this, and btw I'm NOT recommending this because I don't know if it's the right thing or if it would work in your case but I also invited H to do a couple of things with me this week. Definitely not dates and I tried not to be pursuing, just casual things I would have done otherwise or was thinking of doing (that I wouldn't have been upset over if he said no). We had a really great time, and he seemed a lot less distant, and much nicer after (complimenting me on my appearance, thanking me for my cooking, being much friendlier and hugging and touching a lot more).

But like I said, I definitely wouldn't recommend it, because I'm not sure it's right for every case (or even mine).

Do you have a DB coach? I'm having my second call tonight and I'm going to discuss this with her.

[Elly4]

I would love to have a DB coach, but just don't have the money to do so. I am friendly with him as most days he acts as if everything is normal. I just think that my outside life is so busy now that I'm not around as much to talk with him if he wants to.

I think, by reading Sandy's rules, that it's okay to invite him to join you on excursions as long as your clear that you're going one way or the other. I'm glad he's been warmer this week for you!

[MrBond]

Backtracking a bit. Can you please detail your marital history? What issues were there? What kind of conflicts? Was their any problems that he had with you and vice versa? Be as detailed as possible.