So the boys and I had a really great weekend ... Well minus me working yesterday!
It was nice for H to have the boys alone for the day. Not much has changed on the Home front. I've been keeping busy mostly from work .. I just have to get through 3 more days then I'm off for a week!
I wouldn't say I've detached myself from H but I'm definitely not letting him affect my mood. I've been friendly but distant since our last counselong session because I felt I said what I needed to say so now I can move forward.
I also have been pretty consumed with work. I've been struggling this last week with a patient's parents that I have gotten very close with over the last two weeks. This week will be a ton of tests which will probably determine the worst so I am anticipating being very overwhelmed with that. Unfortunately this isn't the first nor will it be the last but there are always some people that really get to you. I attend funerals regularly and keep in contact with families that I do get close with.
So, on a positive note I don't work any weekends until April and I took 2 weeks off for the boys spring break so we will be planning a trip somewhere fun! I also went car shopping today - trading in my big expensive SUV to get something a little more practical and lower my payment. I will say I do not like car shopping so I'll be happy when it's done.
On another note, H worked 2 nights at ex boss's this week. The first he didn't tell me .. The second time he did as I posted here. We will see if he continues to do that this week. We bought the boys bowling balls for Christmas because we like to take the cosmic bowling on weekend nights occasionally. Anyway, I came home from work to a pretty bowling ball, bag and shoes of my own from H. I was appreciative of that. Also, H didn't hang on the couch all night before coming to bed .. He asked me to watch a movie. Then this morning he got the boys ready, took us to lunch and arranged for my dad to watch the boys so we could do car shopping.
I was appreciative and thanked him. But I'm not pursuing. Just being friendly and letting him initiate where things go.
H and I continue to go to weekly counseling. I've tried to be 'quieter' bc I find that he talks more about things that bother him (things we need to work on).
He did say in MC that he doesn't know what path we were on. I did say that I wanted to be married and he said that is why we are in counseling.
The counselor commented that things seem less tense and focused on us working on our marriage rather than bringing up what do we both want (ie stay together or separate). So I see some positives.
I do see that H is opening up more in counseling. I hope that he will take the counselors advice. The C told us both we need to get on the same level of meeting each other's needs.
He said H needs to show me love and affection and that I need to not come off to him as nagging and controlling. I asked for ideas on this because in my mind everything I say no matter which spin I put on it comes off to H as controlling. I have let things go (money that is owed). That hasn't been brought up since our last discussion a few weeks ago.
H has initiated more physical touch and sex and he seems less depressed. My dad called me the other night to ask me if I had been putting something in his food because he has been in a good mood the last few days. C continues to agree that H working at ex boss's is a good thing. I said I understand why he needs to work there and agree that he has been good about letting me know when he's there and is home when he says.
So my job this week is to work on communication with H to where both our needs are being met. I brought up that we don't talk at all especially on the days I work. We go all day without a text (on both of our parts). H used to text me every single day August - November with a good Morning I love you have a good day. Then it went away. I said I would like to hear from him and that I can initate as well. He said he would like to hear from me too. That he felt him texting me everyday wasn't a big deal so he stopped doing it because he said I didn't reciprocate and if I did I was short so he didn't feel like it mattered.
So if anyone has any thoughts on communicating without coming off controlling I'm all ears. Part of me thinks H sees anything he doesn't want to hear or agree with as controlling. For ex he had the boys all day Saturday while I was at work (I'm gone from 530a-8/9pm) and I didn't hear from him at all. He used to text a picture of the kids and him doing something fun. I really want to get back to that. When he has been like that I know he is happy. When He excludes me it makes Me feel uneasy. I told C normally I wouldn't have thought anything of it but my mind now jumps to the worst case scenario and its somsthing I'm working on but I need time. He also told H it was unfair to make promises he didn't keep (changing phone number, putting his phone on the plan). He said he was going to but then when I looked for his phone he didn't want me controlling him and if we end up divorcing then it's more things we would have to separate.
Our abatement comes up in 2 weeks. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I haven't said anything to H but I'm trying to prepare Myself for H to pursue D.
H continues to iniate physical touch and ILY, I reciprocate but haven't iniated. He has not followed C advice to send me a text like he used to. I havent brought it up or sent any either.
GAL tonight, heading downtown with some girlfriends for a birthday. Made arrangements for the boys figured it would be an opportunity for H to do something he might want to as well.
Sent him a text today ... Hey I just wanted to let you know I am going out with some friends tonight. The boys are staying with my brother. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you could make plans too if you wanted to. I took some Things out for dinner so I'll leave it out for you.
He has not followed C advice to send me a text like he used to. I haven't brought it up or sent any either.
Why not?
The cornerstone of any relationship is communication not mind reading. If your marriage is going to get better then you need to be able to talk AND Listen.
Send him a text like your C wants you too. Maybe even make a little joke at the end like opps we were supposed to be doing this more.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I am instituting the 48 hour rule of no choices but part of me wants to just tell H lets get D'd. Him ignoring my ILY is fine but then he sends me a text after that saying... Im over my job here. I can go work in X (city about 250 miles away) temporarily until the comoany has something that pops up closer. I just said well thas a long commute. He said no they would pay for him to stay during the week. My reply was.. So you would be gone Monday - Friday? He said probably. I jokingly said well I'm praying the closer job opens up and sent a praying hands emoji and an angel with a lol
I don't want to go down this path again. He did this before we moved for his last job. Mind reading but I feel he is preparing me to say that hes going to go back to ex boss. When is enough enough on my part? When does he pull his weight or make an effort toward our M.
I don't see this ever changing. I am so frustrated.
Als,o, I was going to go visit my pts family last night and asked H to come, he said I'm too tired
I want an H that will support me. Maybe I ambeing a big baby right now and I'll get over it but right now I feel like a full time single parent and in a relationship by myself. I want some help and support.
He just assumes he can leave mon through Friday and that my dad and I will take care of everything
T, you are allowed to vent. I, for one, don't know how you do it. I really don't. How you remain committed to your M is amazing, and I'm not sure I have it in me to put up with what you have. You asked when enough was enough? It's when you decide, sweetie. There's no other benchmark. When you decide you don't want to do it anymore, then that's enough. If you have a little fight left in you, then you aren't done. Only you know for sure. Either way, you have my admiration and respect.
