Oh Mozza, good for you. It sounds like you handled that well.
I have said before that I see similarities in our stories and I have had very similar encounters with my H too with him complaining about depression and self-medicating with alcohol. They made their choices and are still unhappy, even more unhappy than before. But they still see R as impossible and unhelpful. Interesting and irritating.
If nothing else at least you diffused the impending D and her urge to move away for now. Just keep being cool and see if she comes around more for advice and comfort. Mine seemed to but I couldn't stand the cake eating and pushed him away HARD. Now I am not sure if that was a good move. But I think when they are so confused within themselves it is not the time to attempt to reconnect. So maybe this is a much longer road than we hoped.
I hope you are doing well! I stopped by to thank you for posting on my thread I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.
I read some of your thread and I think you are doing a marvelous job of DBing.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Just checking in, reading the last couple days, it seems like you've gotten through this bump in the road.
Not to have you mind read, but I can't help but think about just a month or two ago, her sending you that dang video about how 'happy' she was and now she's at such a low. People that understand themselves don't change their feelings that dramatically over a month or so. Seeing the struggles she's going through now puts it into perspective that she's searching to find happiness.
Stay strong, be the stability and the rock that you have been throughout all of this. You've handled it spectacularly.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
lnlyshp | Thanks a lot for your kind words. I don't feel half as graceful here, but it's nice to give this impression. It has its good sides to be a "conflict avoider".
Karma12 | Thanks for your support. I didn't get much of a feel for the grass on the other side (OM), but in general, her situation isn't improved much. She seemed to imply that her R with OM is great towards the end when telling me that if everything is just as bad as before, at least now she's much happier than before our S. Nice way to reassure me that she's fine...
LisaB | Thanks for pointing at the similarities between our sitches. For a while, I saw these with HPoirot but you're right about what we now have in common. I'm pretty sure my W will cut it off though. I understand your doubts, especially as I'm the poster guy for wanting to reach out and be kind to his WAW. I tell myself that the vets are united and that I need to trust the counter-intuitive process. Also, nothing guarantees results.
Jbird | Thanks Jbird for stopping by too and for such kind words.
MCS | Yes, the change is quite dramatic. I see it as part of the gradual return to reality (if not necessarily to the M). I'm afraid I feel better knowing she's no longer having the time of her life without me...
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You all have a more positive reading of the meeting than me. I was half expecting a 2x4 by the vets. While I'm happy with the general outcome, there are a few things that bother me.
I've given her practical advice to live a better life. I'm not in this business anymore and honestly it sickens me to think that I might help her relationship with OM in any way. I've done it because her difficulties were threatening to do much harm to me and my kids by pushing for a move abroad.
I'm not clear on this in my summary, but I'm afraid I had the "wet noodle" tone when telling her that I was dealing with the harsh consequences of a decision I didn't make, that her pain was affecting me more than I wanted, etc. In many ways, I implied that S had created the problems and R would solve them. Again, I probably sent her a signal that I'm right there waiting for her, even if my words were different.
Still, it seems the roles have reversed again. She still controls the whole sitch because she left, but she's again relying on me and my judgement to help her see clear through this. It's been our dynamic in the couple and I'm not sure I want to go back there again. But that's where we almost are.
I went into too much philosophy and I shared too much of my pain. At some point, I even ended up in a dead end when I told her: "Remember when you told me 'don't leave me, don't die'?" and she said "Hm, maybe, it seems far away..." This stings (believe none of what they say...), but mostly I ended up not even knowing why I was saying that other than I wanted to. I think I was trying to explain that I also dealt with pain, and so she had to learn to do it too. Not the greatest DB message from LBH to WAW.
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My WAW is so intent on following through with the S, not looking back. I sometimes wonder why she wasn't so intent on following through with her M vows, our R and the kids. Just an idle thought. There's no explanation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I have done similar things with my H in talking to him about his feelings of loneliness and the reasons why he went off with OW(s). I tried to "help" or I don't know, I guess be a friend, by telling him how I could understand and relate from my past experiences. And like you afterward I felt foolish. Maybe I in fact helped him to feel better about leaving me and the decisions he made. In any case it was an R talk that I didn't really need to have.
And indeed my H is also dead set on S, even though he is sad, lonely, depressed and says stuff like "I'll never find anyone I like as much as you". WTF? Can I say that on here? Yeah.. what the ...???? He also says things like "I feel lonely and sad but I guess that is just what happens when you are getting over a relationship".
Don't beat yourself up for the support and empathy you gave her and don't worry too much about what she says.
I really like how MCS brought up the happy video thing. I forgot about that. It is a perfect example of these crazy WAS. Trying to show how happy they are and what a good decision they made while feeling confused and sad half the time.
Thanks LisaB. Yet more parallels. I'm glad I'm following your sitch closely. Its hard in the middle of it to make sense of their emotions which is likely why DB tells us to avoid it...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I wonder what do to with my in-laws. Here's the full story and dilemma, as a cross-cutting view on my R and S.
MIL disliked me from the start. A lot. For instance, she didn't talk to W for 2 years because she decided to stay with me (we had been together for 2 years when it started). We even had D6 during that time and she didn't come to see the baby (FIL came). Don't look into me for answers, it's really MIL's own strange issues (I'm not good enough for their only child). My WAW has always been indifferent to her mom's opinion of me, seeing is as some mental health issue that was sad, but unrelated to me, unworthy of affecting her judgement of me. Very good on her. When we almost S in 2009, they apparently opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate... It has gotten much better since then. FIL decided to accept and engage me. MIL has become polite and didn't complain anymore.
WAW has been mysterious about their reaction to the S this time. First she told me that her mom called her to say she had nightmares, insomnia and more after hearing the news. Then WAW said she didn't want any of the moralizing crap from her, she just wanted cash to move out. Then when I pressed her to know what her mom had said (pre-DB!), she said, evasively, "Well she's happy I've finally seen the light."
Now I was very surprised this week to hear from WAW that she doesn't talk about the S with her parents. She's very close to her dad. She even said that she cut off the conversation about it when she visited them in December because they were "not helpful". It doesn't sound like a strong statement of support. Then again, perhaps that they are unreasonable in wanting to bring her to their country, with the kids, and sue me for the custody (they're loaded). My WAW would be reasonable enough to avoid this kind of thing. WAW hasn't told them either how difficult it is right now because she doesn't want to worry them. I always imagined that they were strongly on her side and pulling her to their city. I just don't know anymore. My parents and many people tell me that now that we have two kids, their views may have changed and they may want a stable family -- FIL in particular is very family-oriented. They love their granddaughters a lot.
FIL sent me birthday wishes, one month after BD. He made no mention of the S, but he was a little beyond nice, chit chatting about more than the basics. I responded in kind and left it at that. Then I sent him wishes at Christmas with more niceties and he responded, again in kind. I responded again to wish them a happy new year. Now he just responded a few days ago, thanking me for things I've done for the kids and telling me stuff about his work, etc. It will be MIL's birthday in a couple of weeks.
I understand it's best not to think too much about it, but I wonder if I should keep this correspondence going. They initiated it, but I don't know what they want out of it. I doubt it's innocent. To me, it's either that they do what they think reasonable people should do with the father of their grandchildren; they want to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the kids; they don't support the S but clearly can't be overt about it, against the decision of their daughter.
Thoughts?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I don't really have any advice, just some thoughts and a brief version of my related R with my inlaws.
In the beginning we were all close and had a lot of fun family gatherings. However after the 1st time W file for D. I made huge mistake talking to them about it. W told her side and I told them mine. My version of the problem was that their son caused my wife to be messed up because he forced her to have sex with him by threats and manipulation. Big lesson learned, blood is thicker than water. FIL and MIL have not spoken to me in 15 yrs and they didn't attend graduation for my children. They believe it was just kids experimenting and I am to blame for W's mental issues.
If I had it to do over again I would not have any R talk with my inlaws. I would be friendly and have a PMA around the inlaws.
I did do a 180 today, right or wrong I sent a get well message to MIL. Yesterday she broke her nose by rear ending a golf cart with her golf cart. It knocked her out!
As always Mozza you are thinking before you do something, I admire this trait!
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Just be careful how close a relationship you keep with ur Waws family. It can cause you more pain and make it harder to detach. Especially if you keep hearing from them about her and her life.
I stayed close with my SIL ( MIL and FIL passed) after we S. She really liked me and was disgusted by her brothers behaviour. Over the last couple of years I have kept in touch but let the time between get longer. It's easier to not be around all of what was my old life. I still see my SD and I will never abandon her though that connection to STBX has not always been easy either.
I feel like I am finally coming out the other side. Things that would have hurt me don't hurt as much. I was reading on the MLC side and someone posted about making a list of all the things you wouldn't want to go back to with and about your ex. Try it. It can be quite enlightening. Often when we are missing them we forget some of the stuff that we don't miss. ; )
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
