So me Male 27, and wife (26) have been together for 11 years, married for 5. We have had a great marriage, never argue or fight I love her more than I could ever imagine. And her she would buy me expensive gifts tell everyone how amazing I was all the time, tell them how sexy I am... About 3 years ago I had my first panic attack. It was very disturbing and I thought that was that I was having a heart attack and I was a goner. I had every test done in the book and they said everything was fine it was anxiety. I never thought in a thousand years stress and anxiety could do that much to someone so I thought they were missing something and I was really sick. So it came and went I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which means basically I have bad anxiety often, usually daily, and way worse than any a "normal" person has. I also have become a hypochondriac due to this and to be honest it has taken a toll on me and my marriage. My wife tried to get me to see a therapist but I was so anxious i couldn't even do that. I ended up quitting a job I had for 6 years to move to Florida to start a better life. I knew I couldn't quit and stay where I was because it was one of the better jobs around. So 3 years ago we packed and moved to Florida. We started out both working in a restaurant. Ever day was like my first as far as my anxiety went. So my wife saw this and was very sad because she really couldn't help. For her, she loved working at the restaurant, she excelled quickly and became a manager. 2 years ago the owners sold the restaurant and started another one and made Kayla the General Manager. I took over my brothers swimming pool contracts where weekly I would visit pools and clean them work on them whatever they needed. I brought in enough money to cover rent and utilities but it was a bs job in reality. I was hoping something would magically catch my eye and I would then have a goal to work towards a career but it never happened.still the wife and I were happy I loved to see her but didn't see her as much due to her job.
So moving on to the past 6 months.She is still in the restaurant working 50 hours a week from 11a-11p sometimes earlier sometimes later. I took a semester at school trying to work on myself and did good in school but I didn't know what I was going for. She mentioned a few times I should get out of the house or get some kind of job. The problem i was having was she is off random days, i did the pool stuff 2 days a week, and the other few days I would help my brother or have something going on. I felt guilty going out to do anything at all because I felt like if she is working so hard I didn't want to spend money or have fun while she was there. So I sat at home alot just waiting for her to get home. She would come home be exhausted we would get in the hot tub watch our shows... We never really did anything fun or new because she was always so tired and just wanted a day to relax or get stuff done like taxes,... Now to d day. I watch the walking wife syndrome and it nails us to a t. She would talk about this guy coming into the bar, he was a beer rep. I assumed he was older or ugly whatever. Well at the Christmas party I finally met him. He was my age a descent looking guy so I was a bit jealous. A few weeks after the party I went to the restaurant which is a 45 minute drive so i didn't get up there too often and also she was so busy i didn't really get to see her. I made 3 more trips to the restaurant and he was there every time. So i start to get suspicious. a few days after that it was about time for ehr to come home so I called her and she didn't answer. I called some employees and they told me they closed and She left a long time ago. Finally I get a text from her that she was going out to have a beer. Which is not like her. Finally she calls and said Im not going to be happy but she went out with this guy. I played it cool just so she would come home and then when she pulled in the driveway I rushed out there and basically lost it.Asking what does she want what is she doing...We sleep in separate rooms and talk the next day. She says then that she loves me but she isn't in love with me and she is unhappy. I kind of start to figure out that ok she could possibly leave and immediately I call a therapist, start exercising, and looking into the future for the first time ever. I told her we need to see marriage consolers, we need to communicate... A few days go by and she is off work. She says she need to go buy some tennis shoes so we can go to the gym together. I was out career hunting and she went to a place which is strange to go just for shoes. When I got home I started doing some digging. I found she texted this guy like 70 times so i played it cool got her home and confronted her. She of course didn't buy shoes, i asked if she talked to him she denied it and I confronted her with all the times she texted him. Then she told me obviously she did and she went to meet him for coffee. I kept my cool asked her to figure out what she wanted and to let me know. She talked to alot of our family and said she wants to work on our marriage. She said she would stop texting him. Up until then I tried talking her openily telling her how much she means to me hugging her tight...A week goes by and I go up to the restaurant and an employee who is my friend was there and I asked him if this guy was still was coming in. He said yea all the time. I pulled her to the back and was stern about how she lied to me, I felt betrayed, she was going to lose everyone. She need to come pack a bag. When I got home a realized it was a little too harsh so I sent her a text we need to talk when she got home figure all this out. She comes home and we kind of talked i told her how much she means to me, I had a job interview, my anxiety was doing great because I was going to the gym everyday, I am talking to people communicating, and still seeing the therapist. About 3 days goes by and she worked everyday. I told her I'm not goin to look who she is texting im not going to spy on her I was kind of giving her space. I couldn't take it anymore, I was miserable wondering if she is still texting this guy or seeing him if her was there so i made my mind up maybe she should stay at her cousins for a few nights and figure some stuff out but I let that be her decision. She told me she was going to stay there and have some alone time because she was feeling smothered between her mom and cousin and me and all these people trying to tell her that Im a great guy basically. So this whole time I'm doing everything to work on me be a great husband, get a job, suggest marriage consoling. Now 2 days ago. Her cousins are big partiers they stay up till 4am in a 1 bedroom house so i start to question is this really the best place for her to stay. She then tells me she has been looking at apartments all day and ends up getting one the next morning. She came yesterday and packed her clothes. I told her over the past 3 weeks how much she means to me, what she is giving up, how much I love her, Im changing, and in response I only get she doesnt know whats wrong with her, she doesnt want to hurt me, she is sorry, im the greatest husband anyone could ask for. So now she is on her own, im alone, I watched the walking wife syndrome and took the advice, keep working on me, give her lots of space so I havent texted or called but she calls me and still tells me she loves me but the problem is she acts like everythign is normal. She talks to my sister in law and says she has been unhappy for 2 years which I see now may have some truth but not the entire time like she says. She is like a completely different person. She seems sad, stressed, unhappy even now that she left. I know it has only been a few days. So today, I have a job I enjoy I am working on myself everyday, giving her space, she calls every night but just acts like everything is fine and she has this giant wall around her and her heart has hardened. When I talk to her I act like Im not moping around Im usually at the gym i enjoy my job. I think that's all I can do. Also I should have said this earlier but I honestly dont think she was having a sexual affair. But an emotional affair yes and I told her that a few weeks ago. Im sure she is still texting him and he goes up there but what now. Tonight I am going to tell her, She already knows I want this marriage to work, she knows how I feel, she is taking a break to work on herself, but right now I really need to find out who I am as well. I cant be sad or depressed that she is gone, I need to find my new self again. Today I feel like I am the husband she has been needing and wanting but she doesnt know what she wants. So there is a fine line in me waiting and giving her time to figure out who she is or if she is seeing is anything is going on with this other guy and I am plan B. I think she needs time to herself but if she keeps filling it with busy activities she wont have the time she needs. So alot has happened fast in this last 3 weeks and I don't know what to do. I love my wife I never thought I should have to think what it is like without her, she knows what Im doing for myself and says she is proud of me, I apologized for taking advantage for her for the past 2 years and that I didn't do this sooner. I understand that this is both of our faults, we didn't communicate, I was depressed and didn't think about me in the future. So I need help what do I do, I cant give her an ultimatum because I thinks its too early and she will say no she doesn't want to work on us, so I guess I am taking the long road? Give her time? Work on me and hope for the best? I don't know. I have tried everything I kept my cool most of the time when I realized that she could possibly be unhappy and it was my fault. Someone help!
Hi Seth, welcome to the boards. I'm fairly new here so hopefully someone with a bit more experience will be along shortly, but my advice for now: *Buy Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy and read them now (it will help you with the situation, and also to understand the techniques discussed on this board) *If you can afford to, hire a Divorce Busting coach *Continue posting frequently, until you're off moderation (note it will take a little bit of time until your posts go up on the site while you are on moderation, they won't go up instantly). *Do NOT give your wife an ultimatum right now. You are not very far in, buckle up for a long ride. I've read around these boards that it takes 1 month of improved new behaviour to make up for every month of bad behaviour. *Yes, give you wife plenty of space and focus on you *Start by reading these guidelines: sandi's 37 rules
A couple of questions... *What initially attracted your wife to you? What have you stopped doing, that attracted her? *What specifically are your wife's complaints? And what would you like to work on?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Okay, so read Divorce Remedy ASAP. You have started working on yourself, which is great. You are saying some things, however, you need to stop. You are telling your WAW the things you really wanted her to say to you.
Telling her over and over how much she means to you. Telling her you are going to trust her and you won't spy. Telling her you don't believe she has been in a PA. Why are you telling her these things? They do not impress a WAW, and in fact, some will think that you are foolish.
You cannot trust a WAW! As long as she is in contact with OM, you will not be able to trust her. Telling her how you feel only pushes her farther away. And telling yourself she hasn't been physical with OM, is self denial. I am not saying for certain she is in a PA, but it is probable. Never underestimate the power of an emotional affair! This is not the girl you married. She has changed.
You will need to detach emotionally from her. That means you are not affected by the things she says or what she does......or does not do. It means you go about your life, enjoying yourself without depending upon her. You let go of trying to control her.
That doesn't mean you have to accept bad treatment or anything like that. In fact, it is important that she learns to get back the respect she lost for you. When women get involved in affairs, it is not only b/c they've lost attraction for their H's, but also b/c they have lost respect for him.
There is no magic formula to fix this situation. This will take longer than you ever thought it would. She is on a journey and she will drag you into her drama if you let her.
Learn to show inner strength and confidence. We women love to see that in men. We are attracted to it. Unfortunately, panic attacks causes a person to look anything but strong and secure. So that could have had a lot to do with your W losing those feelings. Plus not having a full time job. You are working on it now, and that is great. However, don't expect her to do back flips over the fact you waited till "now" to do it.
You have had a wake-up call. It jerked you into high gear to get yourself straightened out. However, she hasn't had a wake-up call, and there is no telling how long this may go on.
You need to decide what the deal breakers are for you. We will be talking to you about boundaries, later. In the meantime, think hard about your principles and standards and where you draw the line in relationships.
The immediate things to stop doing right now is telling her how you feel. No begging, no pleading or deal making, no acting desperate. Stop initiating contact with her. Wait for her to make the contact, and don't try to hang on.
She wants out and your presence is smothering her. So, back way off.
Oh, and welcome to DBing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Like everyone says, get the books right away. I notice that you seem to speak alot for your W. Telling her how she feels, etc. You have no idea what she's going through so that has to stop.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Seth, you would do well to listen to susana and sandi. Remember, at this poi t it is about improving yourself and acting "as if" . You've got a good start in the right direction.
Now it is about getting yourself to a stronger place and learning to STFU about anything related to the relationship. It is about actions and owning the changes made for YOURSELF. There is no doubt that you want to pull her closer to you, but you need to remember that the DR/DB approach is counterintuitive. It's about becoming the best Seth you can be.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Okay, so read Divorce Remedy ASAP. You have started working on yourself, which is great. You are saying some things, however, you need to stop. You are telling your WAW the things you really wanted her to say to you.
Telling her over and over how much she means to you. Telling her you are going to trust her and you won't spy. Telling her you don't believe she has been in a PA. Why are you telling her these things? They do not impress a WAW, and in fact, some will think that you are foolish.
You cannot trust a WAW! As long as she is in contact with OM, you will not be able to trust her. Telling her how you feel only pushes her farther away. And telling yourself she hasn't been physical with OM, is self denial. I am not saying for certain she is in a PA, but it is probable. Never underestimate the power of an emotional affair! This is not the girl you married. She has changed.
You will need to detach emotionally from her. That means you are not affected by the things she says or what she does......or does not do. It means you go about your life, enjoying yourself without depending upon her. You let go of trying to control her.
That doesn't mean you have to accept bad treatment or anything like that. In fact, it is important that she learns to get back the respect she lost for you. When women get involved in affairs, it is not only b/c they've lost attraction for their H's, but also b/c they have lost respect for him.
There is no magic formula to fix this situation. This will take longer than you ever thought it would. She is on a journey and she will drag you into her drama if you let her.
Learn to show inner strength and confidence. We women love to see that in men. We are attracted to it. Unfortunately, panic attacks causes a person to look anything but strong and secure. So that could have had a lot to do with your W losing those feelings. Plus not having a full time job. You are working on it now, and that is great. However, don't expect her to do back flips over the fact you waited till "now" to do it.
You have had a wake-up call. It jerked you into high gear to get yourself straightened out. However, she hasn't had a wake-up call, and there is no telling how long this may go on.
You need to decide what the deal breakers are for you. We will be talking to you about boundaries, later. In the meantime, think hard about your principles and standards and where you draw the line in relationships.
The immediate things to stop doing right now is telling her how you feel. No begging, no pleading or deal making, no acting desperate. Stop initiating contact with her. Wait for her to make the contact, and don't try to hang on.
She wants out and your presence is smothering her. So, back way off.
Oh, and welcome to DBing.
Seth,
That. ^^^^ ALL of that. It's pure gold.
btw, "Respect = Attraction" to a woman. It may take awhile for you to begin to get her LOVE back, but love flows from attraction, which flows from respect. And HER respect for you, starts with YOU respecting YOURSELF.
What are your non-negotiable core boundaries? Now is the time to dig deep and figure them out. I had to.
She comes home and we kind of talked i told her how much she means to me, I had a job interview, my anxiety was doing great because I was going to the gym everyday, I am talking to people communicating, and still seeing the therapist. . . .
I told her I'm not goin to look who she is texting im not going to spy on her I was kind of giving her space. . . .
I told her over the past 3 weeks how much she means to me, what she is giving up, how much I love her, . . .
Tonight I am going to tell her, She already knows I want this marriage to work, she knows how I feel, she is taking a break to work on herself, but right now I really need to find out who I am as well. I cant be sad or depressed that she is gone, I need to find my new self again.
These kinds of things fall under the category of "grand pronouncements," and I'm not a fan of them. A man leads with ACTION, not with WORDS. Your wife will not respect your grand pronouncements, but she WILL learn to appreciate -- and respect -- your ACTIONS, those that are taken with integrity, over time.
She's WATCHING you; she's not LISTENING to you. She's probably heard all these kinds of promises before from you?
Start with the job -- #1 priority. And stop with the needy hugs and stuff. Continue to do the things that you mention in the last part of your post, those are good!
Thank you for the response. and to answer your questions. What attracted me to her. well we were 16 but old souls for our age. We had the same interests watching movies, going out to eat, taking drives to a state park, basically just spending time with each other mostly. That was how I would say 99% of everything was until d day. That is why this is all so strange. She got it in her head that she wanted to test out this single life and go to bars and stuff but that isn't her. That's why I am confused. What I have stopped doing? I have admitted to my faults to her and have been working on everything to fix them. I wasn't giving myself 100% so i couldn't give her or us 100%. But if I don't know there is a problem nothing is going to change. I lost my goals in life. I was at a well paying good job that I thought I was going to be stuck at for 40 years being on call so my goals went out the window. I let my anxiety get the best of me but now I am getting help, and helping myself without anti depressants and pills to mask the pain. So i feel good about that. Last questions. Her complaints were like She is unhappy because we didn't listen to the radio station she wanted to in the car. Or I didn't go golfing when she asked me to go twice. Those were some she threw in there just to have some problems but I think the real problem is what I just said. Not having the motivation that I have now. But thanks again for the response
Thank you for the response sandi. My question now is I have been giving her tons of space. She actually didnt contact me at all for 3 days. Then she text me yesterday saying she knew I was at work and she was just wondering how I was doing. I didnt know how to respond. I dont want to act like I am doing great too seem like I dont miss her but I didnt want to be the sad depressed H either. So I said I was doing good she asked what I did over the weekend I told her I took our dog to the park let him play took him to petco he picked out a toy. She asked how he was I said he was fine and made a little joke about How he is tired from starting to work first shift because I started getting up at 5 due to my new job. I got busy and didn't say anything else. So if she texts or calls again how do I act. Like everything is fine just catch up don't tell her I feel like my best friend died but is continuing hurting me because that's how I feel. I think I should be able to share my true feelings with my WAW but I feel now this isn't the time? If I miss one of her calls should I be afraid she is slipping further away? Is it ok to stop texting her? She has turned off her emotions Will they slowly come back? Does she even miss me with this other guy in the picture? On better news I feel great about me and what I am doing for myself. I feel like I tapped into my emotions and realized it is a great thing. I am closer to my true friends and family than ever before. I just wish my W could see the husband she was wanting is here now:( Thank you for the help sandi
I am just scared if we are not in contact and I am taking these great giant leaps for myself how will she see me? I am doing these things for me and that is great, however I want to share these goals and achievements with my W. And I cant and that's what hurts the most.
