Hi all. Bit more journaling. Couple of calls from W today and the basic message is she is leaving the kids and her old life behind. When pushed she said she was talking about leaving the planet for good as she can't take rejection from the kids anymore. She said she is just not strong enough. I asked her to see I/C or doctor and she agreed to see doctor.
I just came home and she is here and I kissed her on the head and said I hope she felt better. She started crying and I left the room to get the dinner. I think I will call her sister tonight as while I think W is just very down I would like for her family in UK to know how down she is and the way she is talking.
Hi MrBond. Yes , that's what she was saying. I'm not sure how serious she was but she has been talking like this since Monday.
She is very down at the moment as the kids are not exactly treating her like the prodigal son every time she comes home. She has agreed to go to a doctor and I hope the doctor can put some perspective in her life.
Thanks Toots and Rppfl. W home now and seems a bit better. She is discussing D16 choices for school and just gave me a cut out from a paper about amicable separations that her mum sent her. To be honest it's doesn't make good reading for kids with the article pointing out how bad it can be for kids
Anyway she seems a bit happier and just said she is really down at the moment and today's call was just because kids were treating her badly. When I collected D10 from school W and S20 were in kitchen and W looked like she had been crying. When I was driving back to work S20'called me to say W had started to say D10 shouldn't be bringing me the 60 mile round trip to collect D10 just in case she saw OM. S20 told her that none of them wanted the drunk a@@@hole in their lives and W should appreciate that.
Ups and downs but I suppose you can only act on what you see. W has left and that's the truth of the sitch. Very sad for kids and me but we will have to deal with it. Thanks again for posting ladies. Take care Rd
I hope you find a good solution. If you do have Samaritans they can also give you some good advice for what to do. But its good she's going to a doctor and I think you're right to call her sister
I'd agree with Toots though the the offer to stay in the family home might be a sensible plan. You'll know better the context she said it in and have a better guage for how serious she might be.
Take care RD.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thanks Jim. I don't believe she was too serious but she is really down so I think it's better I treat it with a bit of respect. I don't think the family home thing would work for her as I think she is too close with OM and it might not go down well. I do appreciate that's mindreading
Today's call was full of old stuff that can't be resolved because it's old and I can't change the past and stuff that's just her venting about her new reality.
It seems clear that she is very unhappy re the kids and to be honest I would hope she would be ( or any mother come to that )
I have the kids 24/7 and she takes D13 on a Friday night to her flat. Other than that she sees kids about 9 -15 hours a week W was a great mum but she has become someone who is now an aunt to the kids and has lost their confidance
I don't know if she is thinking straight or if life with me was that bad that losing her kids is a price she is willing to pay it seems at the moment she paying the price and only she knows if it worth it
It's good that your wife will see a doctor, but I think she needs more of a psychologist or therapist. But then, there just some you can do and you can force or decide for her.
Now RD, besides the ups and downs, what are the strategies you are planning for this month? It feel like you are very negative about the whole thing. If you look at some of this being a little positive, how would you behave then?
You accept that your M is done, you accept that your W is gone and does not love you anymore. But you don't know for real if she is just having a bad and creepy tormented time in her life.
This OM is a functioning alcoholic what makes him a lot more influential, you also mention that he tried suicide twice. Do you see the pattern here?
W is very unbalanced emotionally and now is talking about finishing it all because rejection. You are right to treat this with lots of respect, because it is serious stuff. And she is very close to someone that is probably not helping her to see things differently.
Last november I spoke with my manager about her husband being very depressed and confused just because he lost his job earlier in 2014 and did not know what to do next. Things start turning for worse and two weeks ago, he took his life.
So, people do crazy things when they think they are in a corner and do not see any other way around.
I am not sure about inviting W back to the family home, by one hand I think it would be good to keep an eye on her and she would have the opportunity to see more of your changes, but by other hand there are the kids and it would be painful if she comes back and decides to leave again. So it freshen up the pain all over again. There is also the OM and how he would react to the fact that she was moving back with her family.
You can probably weight the situation better then us since you know everyone involved and their feelings about this.
So RD, it's a very hard time for you. So many mixed up feelings. Are you and the kids going bowling? Would be it too much to invite W to join you guys to have some fun together.
Maybe change some of the scenario, maybe instead of the cruel routine, maybe show her you can all have fun as a family. Maybe she needs to be reminded of the good times?
I am just throwing ideas, so maybe something comes up to you that can trigger something good on her. It's obvious you can be all tough on her because she may do some crazy to hurt herself, so why not to do something nice, fun, and show her that life is not so bad, there are just bad moments, but there are so many good ones too.
With all your comments you don't mention that your W is talking about D, running to get all paperwork done. So maybe show her the love she is looking for.
Do you know if your W felt any rejection from you? We girls are weird, sometimes we feel rejection for many different reasons. Because I have an extra pound, because I am getting old, because I do not have a good job or career, because I don't cook very well, and a lot more. We girls are complicated in a man point of view.
You have big kids, it means that she may be burned out. I know how that feels, it may be the reason my H left me. Burned out, feeling ugly and tired. It gets to you.
Then she finds this looser that offer her a little bit of tenderness, attention, and she jumps and now she is feeling all guilty and ashamed.
Well, lets see if RD can analyze the issue and maybe we can all think together to find some ways to get her out of all this depression.
Hi pink Thanks for posting. W will hopefully go to doctor soon as the way she is losing weight is not healthy.
I am quite a negative person and always look for the worst in any sitch. I am afraid of looking at the positives in case I get let down I spoke with W this morning and she seemed much better. I told her yesterday worried me and she said she was sorry but she was just really down Last night before she went to bed I told her she was always welcome to come home for a few days if she needed to W just said thanks. There is never any mention of D as in Ireland it takes 5'years
W said she felt as if I didn't love her and that she was never good enough for me. I take this on board because I didn't make enough of an effort and even the effort I did make was not seen by her.
W told me she felt as if she was not herself anymore and just a mother , so I feel your burned out comment is correct.
I think OM started out as W found someone that needed her and that made her feel good. I am quite independent and would just get things done. I don't wait for people to do things for me or even ask half the time. When I was very ill for 5 years I did not lean on W , even though W tried and tried to support me.
When I look back I could have been so much better and now that I have this information I hope I am able to use it and make a good partner for someone in the future.
I was in with L/C today and she is please with my progress but feels I am trying to protect kids with to many words that kids might take as criticism of W , even if I don't mean then to. It was quite enlightening and she is right.
L/C still sees loads of hope for R with wife and is urging giving the sitch more time
