Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[edz]

You are doing very well mate especially considering you had inhouse then this I think that shows real fortitude.

Interesting question Toots, my manly (honest) thoughts are that as you know Im in the 6 (nearly 7) month club here since w left. I know that even if there had been an opportunity anything I started would have been a disaster over this time.

I'm equally not sure what I want now which to me says any doubt and you're best concentrating on something else like GAL or even decorating but dont fixate on finding new partners (for a start can you imagine the expectations that would place on a potential new partner to satisfy our emotional needs or the codependency threat - personally I need to be past that before thinking about someone else lovely as close company would be).


Any of this, of course, (to me) then rules out reconciliation. If thats still an option and I want more than friendship then I need to just be patient. If I'm beyond the emotional point where I can wait then I need to be open with w - which we did speak about early on - I'm not there yet so no seeking someone for me. W is closer(ish) but not sending me any signals or signs that she's interested in anything than being friendly so I'm just trying to stay lovingly detached right now and not only show I'm getting on with life but *actually* get on with my life with the exception of seeking someone new either really or appearing to (I know viewpoints on that last part are wide, I just know my W hates any kind of playing games and it could badly backfire)

I haven't mentioned physical needs here (I think a lot of us skirt around discussing it). I know on the board we all have different outlooks and what constitutes a relationship. To me they've always been one and the same, if 'your' (I.e. the general thread visitors - not you Jim or you Toots) mileage varies I'd never judge and if everyone involved is happy and stays safe then great. For me, no ons or casual thanks - thats just me though. I think that is a driving point for a lot of guys rushing into a new r though.

My mind *is* drifting on possibilities and Im less anchored to needing to know what w is/was up to (thing excepted) have I moved on at all from bd? Yes, enough to say goodbye and let her take her journey and me take another, nope. So its not a good idea to drag someone else in unless its really understood its for friendship full stop (why would any of us put someone else through the waiting game we play?)

Jim, I read and re-read your post. I think you have the same duality I have going on (obv my w seems a little warmer - sometimes - but its no slam dunk she'll come back or even think about coming back) if so as Toots says put purposeful new relationships (dating) in a box for now, get on with enjoying your life with the kids and if a natural opportunity pops up with someone you meet maybe then think about it for platonic company and don't attach any heavy expectations.

I dont think I'll be being bombarded with opportunities myself but thats fine for me, my cake is still cooking will w prove to be the icing or not or will it be a new white chocolate whipped cream covering? I've no idea (mmm cake, this metaphor is your fault Toots )

As Toots said in her post, I dont know if that helps at all mate just my viewpoint on it all.

Just keep going mate, you are doing really well, let us know how you get on with those canvases!

[edz]

Edz, just answering your question from your thread.

Page break so quote that to keep it all in context

I think mate its a tricky one to isolate marriage - the feeling and closeness, the partnership and warmth with the partner and the person.

Even if the person isnt someone we want we may want the feeling and (as seems to be the case with my w) vice versa.

Absolutely keep db going, whether we d or reconcile I'll keep the process ongoing as its made such positive changes to who I am going forward.

You know from my threads I had similar moments of understanding. Lots has been wrong for a long time, none of it changes what I own but w brought problems as well and our communication (or lack of it) did the rest. The question now is I know I've grown and changed and am better for it, can w change those issues she has (or even want to) and do we rebuild from here or call it quits.

Sadly takes two to tango on this one. I'm waiting for the music to start..

Hang in there and let us know on the SIL pushing

[jim0987]

Toots, edz thank you for the consider and thoughtful replies.

Toots you raised a couple of things that I'd like to come back to but they deserve a more thought out response.

Don't worry Im not pursuing it, I think its a case of taking things out of the box and just giving them a good looking at to see how I feel and what I think with all my normal processing

[jim0987]

SIL push.

This morning I recieved a parcel which was the unopened christmas presents I sent my nephew and niece (or STBX N&N)with a note inside. it was short but the key paragraph was:

Whilst I appreciate what has gone on is none of my business, I was hugely disappointed to learn that our grans money has not been returned to my sister. I am sure gran is turning in her grave and this wasn't right/fair, in my families shared opinion.

I guess you've done what you think is right, which is your perogative.

Now this sheds a lot of light on the whole money grabbing comments that have been made and also shows to me the conversation they have been having is much as I expected. Theres a lot of detail which you dont need but suffice to say that this represents a very narrow and overly simplified view.

I feel given the conversation we've had its another marker to show that any reconcilliation would involve substantial family fallout.

Any way i feel i should respond in part because I dont think silence is helpful here and in part because I want to. I also have no expectation that SIL will see anything positive.

This letter has however provoked all my sarcastic and snarky side as there is a lot of criticism i can direct at SIL, but i dont want to go there and I'm recognising and observing those emotions rather than letting them control me. Though you should see the letter that side of me would draft (BACK IN YOUR BOX)

So I've drafted a response and would like some input - Have i removed all the Jackal?

Hi SIL

I was disappointed to receive the parcel and letter from you. I'll respect your wishes and refrain from sending N and N presents in future. Please know I wish the very best for them both.

I'll admit to being a little confused regarding your comments about the money W inherited from your Gran but can understand why you might feel as you do. Although I could explain my feelings on this I'm not sure that would be helpful.

What I will say, and financial disclosure will show, is that I have given W all the money it was possible for me to raise and done this in the timescale she requested. Our only alternative would have been to sell the house which would have taken significantly longer and most likely resulted in a smaller amount of money for W.

No one has done well out of this and it is my greatest hope that we are able to minimise the harm this does to our children so that whether with me or with W, they have a stable and loving home.

Regards

Jim

So thoughts?

Thanks in advance

[edz]

Just leaving work for the day and on mobile so I will take a look when I get back home.

In the meantime I'd ponder 1. does it meet the keeping things smooth with family option 2. does it actively help to get back in touch?

I appreciate its a lot more complex than you can post here though. I'll take another look when I get back

Edz

[Sotto]

Hmm, I'm in two minds on this one Jim. I know you feel it's unfair, but might you just want to leave it? Would that be a 180 for you? Just accept SIL is unhappy, not try and justify yourself and move forwards?

Often a little space and time will resolve things that a letter sent now may not.

If you do want to send the letter, I think it's okay - although, I would take out that last sentence in para 3 about selling the house..

You may want to 'sit' on this one for a week Jim & see how you feel then.

Also, what did happen to Gran's money (if you don't mind me asking?) Do W's family have a legitimate grievance?

[jim0987]

The issue is that my wife wanted to leave then but didn't and now regrets it as she feels she would have been better off.

She said a few times that if she was going to leave she would have done it then as it was 'the perfect opportunity'. (Can't believe I took the reassurance rather than the hint)

But no I don't feel its legitimate.

She has left with 60% of it in cash, plus her car which represents another 20%. The rest got spent in the intervening year and a bit on a house move, paying of credit cards, holidays, carpets etc.

Their grievance also ignores the dynamic of our finances. We were married so our money was shared to do family things. I didn't buy anything for me very much and then mostly off eBay. Let's say 2% of my salary went on stuff that is mine.

Prior to the inheritance my wife had nothing but eyewatering debt which I'd being helping to pay (by paying 100% of the household bills and half the nursery fees). What little capital there was, was all bought to the marriage by me.

Its irrelevant as well because the only way I could have given her more would have been to accept less equity from the house which would have meant me moving. And to hit the figure she inherited after sales expenses etc. I would have had to accept less than half what I put in 5 years ago.

I gave her the maximum I could possibly raise and still keep a (non rented) roof over my head

And just because I'm on this soapbox let's not forget she had an affair and is leaving me. I don't want any if this - I wanted her to stay here and for it all to still be ours.

And SIL got the address wrong, maybe because she has never been there for my W except where she can gain or indulge in sanctimonious outrage.

Yeah - I never liked SIL and am quite angry about this.

Sorry for the outburst.

[Dawn70]

Is it possible that your family can send your kids things in care of you? I understand why it makes you mad, believe me...just trying to find a positive spin.

[gan]

Jim, just quickly. Strongly suggest you not sent. SIL doesn't need to know this. Clearly there is a different view and if SIL gives this letter to W, how will she respond? If you do want to send the letter then I suggest you leave out paragraph 3. SIL just doesn't need to know these details.

[jim0987]

If I reflect honestly paragraph 3 was written because i know full well that SIL would show it to my W. This is something i want my wife to understand.

I also have thought that i would talk to my W about this directly to let her know i will be replying to SIL.

This is my hurt ego talking i suppose, they have an opinion which i believe is totally unfair (hence the anger in my previous post) and i want to correct it (Control coming out). and again if im really honest with myself there is part of me believes that if i can shatter one part of her distorted view the rest may start to unravel.

So the sensible plan is that I do nothing for a couple of days and then see how I feel or whether i just let it go (that song is stuck in my head these days)

Right now my amended text is

Hi SIL

I was disappointed to receive the parcel and letter from you. I'll respect your wishes and refrain from sending N and N presents in future. Please know I wish the very best for them both.

Regarding the money W inherited from your Gran, I was unaware this is how you, and I take from your letter W, feel about this. I would gladly discuss this with W as I would like to understand more about why she feels this way although i recognise that may not be appropriate at the moment.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

Regards

Jim


Hmmmmm..... that could probably be seen as passive aggressive giraffe.

Probably best i say nothing at least for now.

Thank you for the help and input