Claire, Betsey, UR, thank you very much. It helps to hear the message I know intellectually reinforced in the moment.
I feel a little bit like I'm abandoning a cancer patient. But if someone signs a DNR you have to respect it, however much you want to wish for a different outcome.
The L said that it's one thing to say you want a divorce and another to actually go through with it, and not to be surprised if STBX does a bit of a turnaround at the last minute and tries to stop it all.
I know my STBX fairly well in some ways I think that won't happen. I think he'll be uncomfortable at the time, sigh and kind of say, well, I must endure, and carry on.
In the unlikely event he says "Stop! It was all a mistake!" I'm intending to say: I agree that this is not a desirable outcome. I appreciate that you think this is a mistake. Please show me that you are willing to prioritize my needs and sign the settlement. There is a LOT of mending to be done and if you are sincere in your desire to do that mending then signing this will be a show of good faith, and will give me the security I need while you do the work that needs to be done to heal what's happened in our family."
I realize this isn't the DB answer but I think it saves me from further limbo and sets a healthy and needed boundary.
Yeah, it's what I'm thinking I need if he comes back at me.
Although mine considered settlement a betrayal, so it just adds to his paranoid issues and helps his delusion along.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I really admire how you are handling this. You are inspiring! When I met with the lawyer I remember feeling suddenly defensive of H when she was talking about him. But when I talked to friends who have been through D they told me that is what I need. Someone who is looking out for me when my judgement is clouded by my emotions.
I feel very comfortable with my L and I like how she recognized my panic when we were discussing the D agreement, and assured me we could file it as a separation instead if I was unsure.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Maybell I feel for you. Sometimes people are on a path of self sabotage. My STBX is. All you can do is protect yourself as best you can.
I feel like I at least know I did all I could. I was a good wife, I tried hard and when it got tough I tried even harder. I don't want to be with someone that looks at me as an option. Keep your head held high. One day why this all happened will become clear and you will find happiness.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
The L said that it's one thing to say you want a divorce and another to actually go through with it,
Which is why I refuse to date men who have not made this legal. I've encountered men online who have been separated for years, and they believe it's as good as D. Well, physically, maybe, but they still are legally attached to someone else until they aren't. Whatever reasons they have, they aren't good enough for me.
Mine didn't try to stop it either. It just took him 2 years to figure out that he was going to pull the trigger.
Maybell, I have quite a few friends (more than 5 couples) who have gone through a D and wound up back together again down the road. And every single one of them is happy and still together. They all say that the D gave them the chance to hit a reset button and really change. I respect the hell out of them. Not one of these couples has come back to the marriage with any doubts. They were just in the game--all in.
LOL, one of these couples divorced because the H had a LT affair with someone at work. His family was very, VERY quick to take his wife's side. However, and I should really say HOWEVER, she is the FIRST to admit that for the longest time, she left him out in the "some day, I'll give him the attention he wants" pile. Her kids, her job and their dogs *always* had priority over her H. She said that nobody outside the marriage knew how inattentive she was, and she always felt bad that he was cast in the role of the dick. He had been telling her for years that he wanted their marriage to grow together. They are my role models in marital forgiveness. Periodically, if he's being a jerk, she'll quip, "Oh crap. You're starting to sound like that jackass I was married to in my first marriage." He gets it and grins. They were D for about 5 years, and now have grandkids and more dogs. And I have other success stories in this department too. Some of these folks I met here.
DB may not be the answer in saving this marriage, but it might be the long term answer to being in fully present and giving relationships from here on out. Not to mention, you should keep the book and refer to it when your D11 gets to be 15 or 16. Those techniques will definitely go a long way in navigating that female yuck period I so despise.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Yes, you are! You keep questioning the high regard people here have for you, if you were reading this on somebody else's thread you would think highly of them as well!
Quote: The L said that it's one thing to say you want a divorce and another to actually go through with it,
Which is why I refuse to date men who have not made this legal. I've encountered men online who have been separated for years, and they believe it's as good as D. Well, physically, maybe, but they still are legally attached to someone else until they aren't. Whatever reasons they have, they aren't good enough for me.
This hit home with me, my H changed his FB status to single (not a big deal in real life) but he's NOT single. Having some sort of R with OW and then came home, has not made any move toward divorce. Hasn't told the kids, filed or even seen a lawyer from what I now. Makes me wonder why OW is involved with him, except the fact that she probably doesn't know the whole situation.
If somebody really wants a divorce than not much should stop them...kids, finances whatever. Sorry for the slight hi-jack, this struck a chord with me.
When and if I get to the point you're at Maybell I hope I'm as strong as you are! And btw, it's ok to have moments of weakness or doubt!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
she is the FIRST to admit that for the longest time, she left him out in the "some day, I'll give him the attention he wants" pile. Her kids, her job and their dogs *always* had priority over her H. She said that nobody outside the marriage knew how inattentive she was, and she always felt bad that he was cast in the role of the dick. He had been telling her for years that he wanted their marriage to grow together.
This wasn't my marriage. My marriage was like the Bunkers. I just kept hoping we'd eventually start growing and pulling together.
I did use DB tactics on S9 yesterday. He's been really screechy and impatient lately, sneaky about not doing his homework, failing to take responsibility for himself. Yesterday morning after D11 left for school, while S7 was getting dressed, I sat down with S9 at the breakfast table with my coffee and said "You seem to be having a rough time with things lately. What do you think you should do about that?" When I sat down he visibly tensed up and by the time I got to "What should you do about that?" he relaxed, sat up straighter, and came up with a solution we could agree to pretty promptly. Then I said "I haven't gotten a hug from you yet today!" and he came over and gave me a HUGE one. So DB is definitely full of important lessons.
Last night I was emailing one of my friends on the west coast who got divorced a few years ago and she said (among many other profound things), something really helpful:
Remember, you don't get divorced FROM someone. You get divorced TO them.
I can't help but wonder if STBX heard and understood this, if it might not have changed his approach to our M. Probably not. But it startled me a bit, and I get it. I appreciate her saying that. She had a lot more gems but I've got to get the kids to school.
Church guy isn't really a romantic prospect for me anymore. Or at least, not like he was. I still like him and appreciate him. I think it would be fun to do a few adventures together because we have a lot in common and it would be nice to not have to rely on married friends all the time. But I don't have the hots for him. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have the hots for anyone. I feel like I'm really hard to please and I wonder if I was made to be partnered. I'm not even sure if I hope I am.
Maybe this is just the moment I'm living through.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Congrats on dbing your son! It's clear that your personal growth is having a huge affect on your R with your kids.
As for church guy and your romantic future? I think it's safe to say that anytime thoughts like, "I don't know if I'll *ever*..." feel or do something... Well, those are probably not permanent feelings, right? Seems early to make that fortune teller pronouncement! :^)
He gets it and grins. They were D for about 5 years, and now have grandkids and more dogs. And I have other success stories in this department too. Some of these folks I met here. 
I just kept hoping we'd eventually start growing and pulling together.