WAW affair admitted 2

[MrBond]

"As far as telling my freind at work, he has never met nor knows my wife. He is a trusted colleague."

You'll find out real fast that there is no one who can be considered "trusted".

"Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family."

You just did. I know it was a joke about the OM, but it is a part of you and your W's situation. And what do you think your colleague is going to think if you and your W reconcile and meets your W? He will always have that impression of her.

"I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge."

Of course not, because they're your friends. Get real.

"When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy."

You are. Even if you did it when your W had her A, bottom line is that you had an A.

"I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her."

You just did.

"Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land."

It's not a "fantasy". It's time you got real about that. This is what she wants over you. For whatever reason, she's not a mental patient, she has made a conscience decision to do this. If you let your ego and pride get in the way, you won't be able to hear what she needs and is getting from this other guy what she felt she couldn't get from you.

To be clear, it's not your fault that she has an A. That's a choice she made the same way you did. You have the perfect opportunity to learn about what makes a successful relationship and how to communicate well.

[Complex]

To be honest SRD, you sound like you got it! You seem very mature, focused on the right now. Not like me and other people in here that are continuously hanging onto the past, not being able to move forward. I think you made some good process.
I wish you all the best of luck that W will at some point realize. Continue being the man only a fool would leave.
How long is OM in the picture? I read an article on another marriage saving homepage that said that emotions in an A in almost all cases last between 3 months and 36 months before they fade. I guess it's true for most R, where feelings start to fade after 2-3 years.

[Ontheup]

Hey Mr Bond

Thanks for the reply. Being a vet I value your opinion but I think some of what I'm trying to say is getting lost in written communication.
I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that. In fact he has been supportive, talking about a similar situation within his own family where the spouses did eventually get back together. He has asked about if there is any chance we can reconcile. We have had lots of discussion about marriage and affairs in general. Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife. He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone. As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke. It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all. Of course im angry about the other man. I know him, he's been in my house, he's met my daughter and they have both used me in helping to set up their business.

As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life. I see them very infrequently. When I told them we were separating they were there for me. They said if I need anything then just ask. They don't know what my wife has done. They only know what I have done in the past.

My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't. It isnt my place to do so. So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here. Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out. Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way. she has already said so.
Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8. So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it.

I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy. I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in. This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her. They are not normal relationships. Normal realtionships are where 2 people meet without having to lie and manipulate everyone around them and i mean everyone. Her employees, me our D8 her family my family her friends his family his freinds. Nobody knows about it. Until i found out. They are built on lies and deceit. Does this mean it will never be a "normal" relationship, no. But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego. It makes you want that person even though i know its for teh wrong reasons.
I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else.
What does she get from OM? Comfort, emotional connection no doubt he makes her feel great.
Im trying not to comapare here but i will just for the sake of it.
Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all. Does he have a good track record of being a good family man? No. He spent a lot of time away from his family to set up his business even though they didnt want him to. I have seen communication between him and his kids where he is just point blank lying to them. Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair. I have seen he has lied to his wider family about the affair. he has lied about business value to pay out less to his wife. He has 2 failed marriages 3 children one of which has serious behaviour probelms and 2 others who now have little time with him as he chose his needs over his familys. He lives 300 miles away. I could go on. Now if that was his advert in dating website do you think he'd get many hits? But this is why i use the words fantasy because although for her i get it its real the feelings she feels are real because i have been there, if she could look in on herself then she would be mortified. What does he get from this? My wife of course. 13 years younger and well out of his league if he and she were just walking down the street. An escape from his normality. He is alone so he gets her friendship and comfort. An ear to listen about his issues with family.

I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children.

What will happen? No idea. as i see it they can continue in secret which is probably preferrable right now or they come out and go public at some point. Option 2 though comes with a lot of risk.
I cant control any of it.

Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me. If she said tomorrow lets get back together but nothing was resolved we'd just be in the same boat further down the line. Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend.

I know the affair is not my fault. I was fuel to the fire though. It was her choice to cross that line and to continue to cross that line. I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else.

[MrBond]

"Being a vet I value your opinion but I think some of what I'm trying to say is getting lost in written communication."

Actually I understand what you're trying to say quite well. In fact, your long response just verified it. And it also shows that you're not willing to listen yet and are keeping a scorecard.

"I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that."

Then you don't understand human nature. You told him your side with a heavy emphasis on the A. If your W were to talk to him, she would paint a very different picture. People naturally side with the person they know.

"Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife."

You never know.

"He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone."

Then talk to a professional counselor who will actually teach you something rather than just a sympathetic ear.

"As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke."

Yes and it was sparked by your talk about your W. I don't see how you're not getting that correlation. He made a crude remark based off of what you told him. Not very helpful.

"It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all."

Showing a c*ck to represent a guy whom your W is choosing to see over you, is a derogatory term used towards your W.

"As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life."

Which is why they're not going to "judge" you. You're they're buddy and quite honestly, if you were to commit a crime, they wouldn't be turning you in either no matter how uncomfortable they are. And so you told them that you had an A. That you were wrong to do, but they didn't scold you for it. Same way as your W's friends don't bug her about hers.

You had an A. Doesn't matter if it was a one night stand (you saying this is just you trying to justify it). Ask any woman on here and see if they wouldn't consider a ONS from there H as cheating.

"My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't."

You just did to your colleague.

"It isnt my place to do so."

But you did anyway.

"So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here."

No you're still keeping a scorecard. You want to be "right". You want to be recognized for your "sacrifice". You want recognition from your W.

"Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out."

Why do you feel like EVERYONE needs to know? This is a matter between you and your W. Period.

"Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way."

Nor should she have to. Telling everyone is just what YOU want to do to satisfy your ego.

"she has already said so."

I'm surprised that you sound surprised.

"Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8."

How very self righteous of you.

"So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it."

Because you just spent a very long time writing a post showing you point scoring.

"I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy."

Not really. Many affairs are a result of one person not getting a need fulfilled from the other person.

"I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in."

For you, you didn't want the responsibility. You just enjoyed being with this woman to satisfy your own ego. Then when it became (in your words) "real", you bailed. You were the cause of breaking up the M. Doesn't matter if her H was abusive. She saw you as fulfilling her need the same way this OM does to your W. It's real.

"This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her."

How very self-righteous you are.

"But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego."

Ah there you go.

"I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else."

So? You could have done the honorable thing by going to C or D'ing her.But you had an A to stroke your ego.

"Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all."

Then you don't understand A's at all. it doesn't matter how he is with his family. All that matters is how he is with her.

"Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair."

Going back, his control and manipulation is similar to yours. In fact, in your first thread, you wrote "My wife for the most part of our time together was very intimate on a regular basis but this has just drifted further and further.
I would bring this up every so often doing all the wrong things, blaming, only seeing my own needs, threatening separation/divorce etc. (stupid I no know)"

"I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children."

I'm sure your D saw how you acted towards your W and how you threatened S/D. I don't think those actions are proud points either.

"Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me."

Comparing points again. If you're willing to take ownership

"Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend."

Ego and pride are what drive YOU and what got you in this mess in the first place. And I like how you added your W AFTER the cat.

"I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else."

What's with all the "WE"? Take ownership to what YOU did wrong. That's all you can do. Correct those things and lose the ego and attitude. Yes, I've been here a long time and I've seen MANY men who are EXACTLY like you. The ones who were able to save their M were willing to listen, lose the ego and learn. Those who let their pride stand in their way, crashed and burned.

[Ontheup]

Mr Bond

Your killing me right now sat here bloody crying!

I know everything you're saying is right. It is hard for me to step back and look at it all rationally.
My ego and pride I know are very much stood in my way at the moment.

I do need to stand up, I do need to take ownership of what I have done and stop looking out with blame.

When I talk about wanting my wife back I am trying to take an honest view. I don't actually know. it is my pride and ego that says I do. So I can say I won. I got her back from you. For what. So that in months/years to come we're in the same boat. Your right, my reasons for wanting her back right now are not sincere.

My daughter hasn't seen me of wife arguing about our relationship. We have very rarely argued in front of her we generally get on very well together. When we have it was always something trivial like taking a wrong turn while driving. She has been kept well away from any issues we have.
Of course my friends don't judge. They are my friends. It doesn't mean what I did was right. I know that.
Her friends don't judge her either.

Cat before wife wasn't a conscious decision. I will miss him though

Your right, my 1 night stand is no different. I still lied about it and never told the truth.

I get the affair bit. Its insular. what you both feel drives it. What I was getting at is that it just confirms the fantasy. If my wife wasn't in the affair and I read her the story about what she is doing I'm sure she would be appalled. I know she would as her best friend has been involved with married men before and her advice wasn't to carry on seeing them. that's goes ditto for me as well. Its not real in the sense of a "normal" open relationship. Again maybe this is my ego. It makes me feel better to think of it like that.

Yes my one night stands were to stroke my ego. I was pursued and it felt good. I have told her this and yes I try and dumb it down make what I did seem less horrible even though I know it wasn't.

Are you a religious man Mr bond?

I never have been and never really got it but this whole thing makes me feel like I just want to go to church and confess everything and anything I've ever done wrong.

[MrBond]

You don't need to be religious to "get it".

In your case, going to church to learn to put something else before your pride would be a good thing.

[Ontheup]

Nothing going on today. Wife just rang general chit chat. Very friendly again telling me where she's been all day. She doesn't need to justify it any more so why does she.

Im p!!ssed off as just been back to doctors and have another urinary tract infection. Only had one 3 weeks ago. Basically when I wee its like glass!! ouch. So back on more anti-biotics. I'm sick of it. I feel run down and worn out. I have never been ill for so long in my life. I'm generally never ill and very fit. Tapping out 100mile bike rides for fun. Wont be doing those for a while. Might try and get back to the alps in summer to do some cycling. Mountains cleanse the soul.

[MrBond]

Did you tell her about your dr's appt.?

[Ontheup]

Yes.

Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting

[MrBond]

"Yes."

That's fine.

"Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting"

You should have just left your answer post as "Yes.". This last bit was your score keeping again. You really don't have to keep announcing to everyone when your W is doing something wrong. If it's to help your situation, then fine, but not when you're trying to show that you're the morally right one here.