Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[jim0987]

does the script seem ok?

as for the split, I get 6 nights out of 14. I agreed to this right after BD (still in shock stage in she took advantage) but actually its ok in terms of Days (rather than bedtime and nursery runs) we both get 4 days in 14.

Biggest issue is that the divide means the longest she goes without the kids is about 56 hours, the longest i go is 128 hours

[jim0987]

and yes, there are worse things to find out via redirection notices.....

[Sotto]

Hi. I've got a letter saying about post redirection for you and the kids. redirecting their post would mean that my family cant post them anything directly. I'll contact royal mail tomorrow to sort that out. In future, please would you let me know about things like this before making any changes. Thanks

How about...Hi, I've got a letter confirming post redirection for you and the kids. Redirecting their post would mean that my family can't post them anything directly. I'll contact Royal Mail tomorrow to sort that out (what are you going to do, ask for the kids to come off...do you need to be more specific here?) Going forwards, please can we discuss things like this before we make any changes? Thanks.

[gan]

Jim - sorry, that would be painful to receive.

Playing devils advocate - so what that your family can't send things direct? Why should that worry W?

I'm with Toots - I'm not sure what you mean by taking care of it with Royal Mail. Can a person be registered at 2 addresses?

Could you say (not sure that text message is best format): I got a leter confirming post rediection for you and the kids. I would like for kids to retain an address at my house so my family can continue to post to them directly. They are after all with me more than 40% of the time. Going forward, can we please discuss things before we make changes. Thanks.

[edz]

I like g's idea above. Been thinking about it here. Any post to one of you will need to be sent c/o Jim or w. If you have a mainly equal split its tricky. In my case as you all know w just did it before she went receiving it WAS my BD lucky me..

[jim0987]

Thanks for the input. the taking care of it is telling royal mail to not do the redirection. They wrote to me as a security precaution.

when a redirection is in effect all post to the named recipients is redirected. without it people can send letters to whatever address they like (mine or hers) with it anything sent to the kids at my house (cards, presents, school letters, medical letters) would all go to my wifes house regardless of the address on them.

It wont worry her in the slightest but to an extent this is a boundary issue for me (and thats without the mind reading i could do about trust and control) - I shouldnt allow her to just make changes without agreement nor should I allow her to interfere in my families relationship with my kids (plus the whole residency thing) - thats why i phrased it as I did rather than asking her to cancel it.

Given the current circumstances i think text or email would be her preferred route

So how about

Hi, I've got a letter confirming post redirection for you and the kids. I would like for my family to continue to be able to post to the kids directly at my address. I'll contact Royal Mail to ask for the kids to be taken off the redirection. Going forwards, please can we discuss things like this before we make any changes? Thanks

[jim0987]

So I’ve touched on this a little bit during the day and said I would post a bit more later so here it is. This is just some thoughts that have been rattling around in my head for a couple of days, maybe a bit longer and to be honest it kind of started in discussion with edz about the ‘thing’. I hope they make sense

So this kicked off from a question was basically:

What if you knew your wife was 100%, never coming back done, what would you do differently?

So for me there are two key parts to this question, how would I know and what would change.

Well the first part stuck with me a bit because if we trust their actions and even to an extent what they say then everything says my wife is 100% done (moved out, signed separation agreements, barely speaks to me, changed her name, dating OM, told all her friends and family I’ve bullied and emotionally abused her etc. etc.). In 5 months all I’ve seen from her is more distance and more resentment and so if she’s not 100% done then she’s been headed that way.

Plus I’ve made a whole bunch of DB mistakes in the last 4 months some of which will make reconciliation harder. Putting my wife and me aside it’s difficult to see how either of our families would accept the other back in which would also make things really difficult. So there are some very big barriers with the most important being she doesn’t want to.

Whether she is 100% done or not (And the only thing that says she isn’t is my hope) does that really make a difference to today or tomorrow or next week?

I found this quote earlier which resonated

If you think you had no choice when it came to divorcing, ask yourself the following question

“Do you really want to be involved in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate you and puts you down?”

The sooner you accept your separation, the sooner you’ll stop suffering. Some people believe wrongly that if they suffer enough, their ex will come back (and save them)! That is a painful fantasy to live with. Even if your ex came back, that would not be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Now in answer to that question – No I don’t want a relationship with someone who can shut me out, cheat on me, Lie to me (and for a long time), say such horrible and unpleasant things about me, portray me in the way she has, be so disrespectful, show such disregard for my kids wellbeing, be so selfish and unreasonable, be so deluded about finances, make no real effort to work on our marriage and most importantly doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
So as she was, yes I love her and want to be with her and would have gladly loved and cared for her until my dying breath – I believed she felt like that about me. As she is now well I would just be subjecting myself to a lifetime of misery and no one deserves that.

Just as a moment of balance - I do know I did plenty wrong but I’ve been doing what I can to learn and grow

So back to the second part of the original question – what would I do differently?

The more I think about it, the answer right now is not that much other than start dating. Outside of the relationship side of it I’m doing alright with my life. I want to achieve more but that’s about getting my work mojo back and things are turning around on that front. What I need to do more than anything else is move on and get my wife and my situation out of my head.

So my thoughts then questioned, if my wife doesn’t want me and I don’t want her as she is now and I can’t control her or change her into the person she used to be or a new improved version of her old self then what am I holding on to? I’m holding on to a fantasy, an illusion that only exists in my head.

I’m not letting it go because I’m afraid of a bunch of stuff

I’m afraid that I will not find someone as good as my wife
I’m afraid no one will want me
I’m afraid I will be seen as a failure
I’m afraid that I will have given up on my marriage to soon
I’m afraid of the impact this will have on my relationship with my kids
I’m afraid of the impact this will have on my kids
I’m afraid of the impact of blended families
I’m afraid that I haven’t grown enough
I’m afraid of the whole dating thing because it’s new and unfamiliar

And probably a bunch more besides

I’m also afraid of being that guy who sits crying on the driveway of his XWs house while she enjoys her new life and new man or the guy who is so filled with resentment that his life is miserable.

To put it in economic terms I’m so focused on the sunk cost that I risk ignore the opportunity cost and so I continue to throw good money after bad.

So what?

Well this all heads to the conclusion that I need to move on and sometimes the best way to move on is to actually move on rather acting ‘as if’

And this is where it links to what Ganb8te said ‘I want someone to share life’s adventures with’

I want that too. I don’t need that and I’ll be fine on my own but that connection is something I want in my life and something I haven’t truthfully had for a long while now (since way before BD) and realistically there are only two options there
1) DB like mad and hope my wife wants to reconcile
2) DB like mad and look for the connection elsewhere (dating)

Now personally I feel going solely with 1 you exclude 2, but I’m not sure I agree 2 excludes 1. It adds a hurdle but relatively small in comparison to the other issues reconciliation would have to overcome. OK maybe not keeping things paved and smooth but also not closing the door because saying that makes some big assumptions about how successful dating would be.

But when I really think about it, again I find the same fears that stop me letting go, then the added fears of What if I face more rejection? What will my wife think? What if it pushes my wife away further? Is it really any better than her adultery? And (here’s the kicker) what if I meet someone new and truly move on?

There is also a big part that knows at this point I would drop anyone else like a stone if my wife said she wanted me back and I’m not sure I want to be that guy, but again we aren’t talking about jumping straight into marriage and I would definitely take things very slow.

So I’m not saying that I going to start dating or even that I want to right now. I’m just reflecting that I may never feel ‘ready’ to date but it might be something that I decide to do as part of accepting my reality. Sometimes you do the actions and the feelings follow.

And moving on is not the same as giving up, it also doesn’t mean we can’t move back.

I’m not going to do anything different right now – just sharing the thoughts rattling around up there.

[edz]

Some heavy thinking there mate. I know a lot of those thoughts but remember to add one that I tend to forget what if whatever happens and I am happier? That's the one I am trying to focus on right now.

[Sotto]

"Well, this all heads to the conclusion that I need to move on and sometimes the best way to move on is to actually move on rather than acting 'as if.'"

Jim, I've been thinking about this too lately. That the best way to DB isn't acting 'as if' - but hoping at some level, watching and waiting - but to truly move on without looking over your shoulder to even see what the WAS is doing. If you do that, you stay 'locked' in the situation to an extent.

I guess the thing I have a difficulty with - (and shoot me down for generalising) - but I think many guys equate this 'moving on' with dating. I've noticed on this forum that guys are much more inclined to seek other women at a much earlier stage (and sometimes much too soon IMO) than the ladies are.

Is it that men have more fragile egos and 'need' that feminine affirmation - IDK? I know this is all very controversial and I may well get come back on this. I recognise there are guys who don't do this - but I notice a trend.

I guess it bugs me a bit because I met my H a year after his S and before he was D. After we had been together a few months, his W asked him to go to counselling with her to see if they could reconcile. He ended our R, and I was already in love with him and very upset. He then asked me if we could still go out together whilst he and his W were having MC - I said 'no way!' and we split up for about 7 months until they had actually started D proceedings. Although when we met, he had been 'dating' for a while then, and in hindsight (tho maybe I was a bit naive at the time - it was too soon.)

I can understand why you feel this way, as things certainly seem 'cold' with your W. 'Cold' normally means anger - and behind this of course lies pain. My view is that whilst your sitch has been ongoing for some time - your S hasn't...And who knows what may happen with a little distance and time?

IMO, deciding to 'date' just a few weeks after S seems 'reactive' and I think it would be best to focus on getting 'your' life together and 'moving on' within yourself before dating. I can understand why you're getting it out of the box and having a look - but you still sound so conflicted - and it may be an idea to leave it in the box for now and healthier to focus on other 'healing' things in the meantime. You can always get it out of the box at some point.

I hope this is helpful - and I think you're doing really well Jim :-)

[jim0987]

Edz, just answering your question from your thread.

Yes some heavy thinking and feeling introspective. Not unusual for me.

I guess that I've been pretty unhappy with my relationship with my wife for several years now. And through my choices I allowed that to perpetuate and accept scraps of affection rather than face the issues. (Taking responsibility for my own happiness).

My wife is done, everything about her words and actions tells me that. I can't even interact with her at the moment as everything is being made into a battle - that post redirection, there was no need for that and no thought of the consequences. Even when I point them out, and they aren't unreasonable, she will assume I'm deliberately being difficult and abusive.

So I just don't see a way back, and I'm not sure that someone who has that much of a victim mentality is someone I want TI be with. There is more joy to be had in life.

I still love her and want my marriage and my family, but the only thing standing for it seems to do is prolong my hurt.

I will keep DB'g because I am growing as a person. I recognise this ^^^^^ lot for starters and know that some if this is because I'm hurt and lonely. But I'm a rational person and that rational part is saying it's time to move on.

Extra push just received from SIL by the way. I'll explain later as I want some scripting help.