Hi Mozza, good luck for today. Remember, you are calm, centred and strong Mozza. You know how you need to do this, you just need to take deep breaths and put it into action.
Remember, your WAW may be all over the place and you are the rock.
Let us know how things go my friend.
Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks all for your support! I'm in a rush now, finishing work for a client and running to the groceries because I'm hosting tonight. I just wanted to confirm that I survived lunch with WAW. In short, she really wanted a schedule for the next few months and years (D papers, move abroad) but I told her it was too early. Overall, it was more emotional than expected because we had to discuss why it was that she needed to move, etc. I'll give you a fuller update tomorrow.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza I'm late to the party on this one but I just wanted to throw my support in your ring. Keep up the good work! And thank you for the success stories!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Sounds like you are on the right road Mozza. Hey Jbird needs some input can you check out his thread and add some words of wisdom?
I went on a coffee date today that went for three hours!!! We are meeting for a second date tomorrow night. Crazy eh? Then after our date I went shopping an decided to stop to have a drink and a bite. I met some amazing Women that meet and go out and they said you will totally fit in with our group give us your number and we will include you in on our next night out. I would never have met them if I hadn't gone out on my own. Just the kind of thing I've been looking for!
Live works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we have to just let go and wait.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Mozza, Been following some of the great advice you have gotten on your threads. You mention her empowerment path. My WAW went on that same path. Her therapist told her to start speaking up for what she wanted. No longer push things down and work it out. Depression and all of that too. It makes a bumpy ride for a once calm and rational spouse.
As far as your GAL (last post) I too have done that on lonely nights. Don't call your friends, get dressed and go enjoy time alone. Speak to everyone and enjoy making decisions in the moment.
I miss my WAW terribly these days. However, I cannot control the situation and have to just let it be.
Let us know how your meeting went.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
So yesterday I had lunch with WAW because she wanted to discuss the timeline of a potential move to her home country and the D paperwork. It was the first time in two months I'd seen her in person and it's the longest (80 min) we've been together since she moved out, 4.5 months ago.
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She told me more about the difficulties she's having. She's back on anti-depressants, back at her IC, back on anti-anxiety medicine, back to insomnia. And now she sometimes drinks herself to sleep (wine) at home. She had so much last week that she took a sick day to get over the hangover. She used to drink 5-6 times a year.
I was saddened by her story and wanted to comfort her in my arms. I wish her no harm, but I'm also relieved to know that leaving me didn't solve all of her problems. After she left me and dropped all drugs and support, I was left me with a sense that maybe I was that bad, I had driven a nice person into prescription drugs and despair.
She wants a schedule to calm down her anxiety about the D papers and the potential move to our country. At the end of the lunch, I didn't agree to a schedule, especially not the move.
The discussion was more emotional than I had anticipated. Since she wanted to move because of her difficulties, we talked about their causes. After some hesitation, I told her that she ought to seek happiness within herself. I was finding her five months after leaving me into a very similar situation to pre-BD. Her flight mechanism isn't making her happy. I observed that many people deal with the same things, like winter, and do better. That it's her reaction to events that causes her difficulties, not the events. I reminded her also that lack of light in the winter depresses her, that she ought to get out there and ski, skate, etc.
I told her that as much as I was touched by her situation, I could no longer deal with her problems. I asked her if any of these consequences of her decision to S were a surprise to her and she said no. I told her about what I had learnt in the S, namely that sometimes we lose control, that life isn't always easy and we have to deal with the consequences. I brought up that I had lost my W, half my kids and half my grand-kids, yet I had to learn to find happiness in this new situation.
I told her that it was difficult for me to hear her pain about missing the things that she rejected when she left me. I could tell she thought I was heading towards suggesting R as a solution, though I was not, and I immediately told her that it was not about R, that I was not even trying to win her back.
Her tone was as definitive as ever about the S. It was not encouraging, but it was not a surprise. She and I don't know the future.
Not a mention of OM. We're always careful to avoid the topic, but I don't see how he fits into her story, except maybe that he may be drinking with her. I couldn't tell what support he provides. I suspect he worsens the situation to an extent because he hates the weather here too. It can't be easy either for him to live with a depressed, anxious, insomniac, borderline alcoholic, soon divorced mother of two. It's different from the carefree colleague he met and had drinks and parties just six months ago.
She's not sharing any of her difficulties with her parents, to whom she's (supposedly) close (only child). She went to visit them at Christmas and said that she stopped the S talks when they brought it up. They're not helpful, she says. I don't really understand because her mom never liked me (her own issues, really) and was supposed to celebrate our S. Also, they'd be overjoyed to have her consider moving to their country with the kids. And they have the money.
So, again, at the end she agreed with me that there are ways to cope with her situation that do not imply moving abroad or setting a schedule to do so. As for the D papers, I said I'd rather wait and she said "I prefer to follow your preferences." She sent me a text later thanking me for the talk and the tips and that she'd do better to adapt.
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I'm happy that I was able to deflect the threat of a move aboard or a timeline to do so. Not sure if it's a good DB thing, but the value of a long term R was apparent to both of us because we know so much about each other. I feel I was probably too open and prescriptive. I told her stuff that she should figure out herself. It seems like she didn't think I was dismissive of her situations, even though some of my feedback was practical advice.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, sounds like the meeting went about as well as it could have. I wish I could handle meetings with STBX with half of your grace. Good thoughts towards you, my friend.
- ship
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
