Gogofo, thank you for your input. I am sorry your wife has filed. I know you must feel so defeated. I appreciate your words of warning. I will be praying for you and your sons.
I know I need to slow down. You and LITB are right, my changes are in an effort to change his mind, which is manipulative. I do want the changes for myself, but if I am honest my main motivation is to try to stop the divorce. I had a major breakdown on my drive home from work yesterday afternoon where I just really let it all out. I have felt so torn up about not knowing what my husband is feeling/thinking, and then I realized that I do know. I just don't want to come to terms with it. He wants to move out. And I have to make my peace with it. Like Cadet said, he is giving me the gift of time. I just have to have the patience and endurance to survive this time, and use it to make myself someone he would even want to be married to. I really liked that thread you shared gogofo. I just continue to struggle with how to make the sincere changes I should have made long ago, putting him first in my life, while stopping the chase. I guess it is about doing what I need to do for him, without having any expectations of how he will react? Doing things for him because it is the right thing to do, not because it will make him want to stay?
Last edited by Marylov; 02/03/1506:24 PM.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I just continue to struggle with how to make the sincere changes I should have made long ago, putting him first in my life, while stopping the chase. I guess it is about doing what I need to do for him, without having any expectations of how he will react? Doing things for him because it is the right thing to do, not because it will make him want to stay?
Credit to you for being honest with us, and not telling us what we want to hear.
These changes are not for him. These changes are for you. At the end of the day, no matter what happens in your sitch, you still have a life to live with or without your H.
That’s why it is important to GAL. It helps with detachment, and expectations. It helps get you to your happy place. Happy is attractive.
Were you happy before you got to this difficult place? Can you look back in your life and identify when you were happiest as an adult? Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness.
Fix what is yours to fix. That is within your control.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I'm trying to live my life on purpose and stop being reactive. I set goals for what I want to do, and schedule those activities instead of just running around but not doing what I actually want to do. I also want to change some of my behaviors.
My goals are: Daily mass twice a week Exercise twice a week One fun outing with my D a week (we have a play date tonight!) See my family twice a week
Behavioral goals I set for myself: No alcohol at home (watching those calories, even though I love wine!) Dress nice for work (No more wet hair and jeans!) No social media on my mobile phone (I didn't cancel my accounts but took the apps off my phone)
I am open to suggestions!
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I would like to ask my H for a status update regarding his plans to move out. Before the retreat, I had agreed to separate, and he was working on getting a place to live but had run into some issues that was delaying his actual move out. He was very cold towards me in our day to day interactions for about 4 weeks after D day, and a few times he pressured me to discuss the specifics of our separation, which I mostly avoided. Then we had our retreat, and during the retreat, he did not mention anything about his plans to move out, in fact we didn’t even mention the word separation or divorce. After the retreat, he once briefly mentioned he was still having issues with his moving situation, but nothing else about the separation. That was three weeks ago, with no conversations about our separation. We just do the same song and dance, living in the same house, playing with our D, and just being civil. This week he has been rather friendly, and he instigates conversations. I don’t think he wants to reconcile, AT ALL, but would it be wrong of me to ask…exactly when does he plan to move out? This limbo feels very strange, sleeping in the same bed and all.
Should I just keep my mouth shut? Or can I respectfully ask him what his plans are?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I guess I am wondering, would this be seen as pressuring him to make a decision? That's not what I am trying to do, but I don't get the impression he is trying to make a decision. I think he is just waiting to get his stuff in order, and I would like a heads up as to when this is all going to "go down" if you will.
In a way, I also want to let him know that I don't think we are reconciling by "playing house". I want him to know that I have accepted that we will be separating. I just don't know how to communicate that without first getting him to verify 100% that is what we are doing.
Last edited by Marylov; 02/06/1505:36 PM.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I don't think it is a big deal to ask him. Do you think you can ask him without getting into an argument?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yes I think so. Like I said, our interactions the past few days have been actually pleasant. So I feel like the time might be right. Should I do it in person or email?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I'd suggest to do it in person if you can. Just like any other conversations:
"Hey H, before we went to retrouvaille, you had mentioned that you had planned on living elsewhere. Curious to know if you are still considering it? Just trying to be prepared."
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
