Hi there! I don’t know how to link my previous post to this new one, but it was suggested I start a new thread.
Recap of my situation:
M: 30 H: 31 D: under a year old Married for 3.5 years
After neglecting my H and failing to make him a priority… 12/15/14: H says “I want a divorce” 1/16/15: We attend intensive marriage program, but no change of heart 1/30/15: H tells me he does not want to attend post sessions to work on our marriage He is still living at home but is working on getting a new place to live.
The day after my H told me flat out that he would not be attending the post sessions, I have to admit I was very sad…then suddenly I got MAD. I got so angry. I started to avoid him in the house, and couldn’t even look at him. He asked me what was wrong, and I said “nothing” then walked away. Then last night he got home and asked me how our daughter was while he was out. I gave a short answer and he angrily said, “Is there something you want to say to me?” I said no.
I know my behavior was not helpful but I just couldn’t help it. I am trying to let go of the anger today. It just feels like I am getting nowhere with my kindness. I have been pleasant and accommodating and patient, taking care of all his needs, making dinner, washing his clothes, trying to anticipate his needs…giving him space…and he hasn’t changed his behavior at all. In fact, he has been ruder than normal. On Thursday, I asked if he needed anything from the store, and he texted back No. I texted back “ok”. He answered back with a rant about how I don’t need to respond to his “No”, that his no is the end of the conversation. I mean…how am I supposed to react to that? With more kindness and affirmation? I seriously do not know how to proceed.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Mary,
Cadet posted this ^^^ to you early in your first thread. What does all this mean to you? Also, how are you applying what you read from the Divorce Remedy?
From your last post, you have a ton of expectations, which keeps you on the emotional roller coaster.
You are right. Your anger isn't helping. What has changed since you got here? How are you applying the advice you are getting here?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Since I started posting I have tried to “get a life” by not just mopping around the house. I go on walks, go run errands, take my daughter to my parents house…I have been trying to stay busy without doing anything that might seem like I am neglecting my H, since that is what got us here in the first place. I have also tried to use the affirmation tips, and not arguing with him but just listening. One thing that I really tried to do is empathize with him, and not be dismissive of his feelings. I have tried to act like the wife I should have been all along, while giving him space. But I don’t feel like I am making any progress. AT ALL. And I feel like a sitting duck. Because he hasn’t mentioned ANYTHING about what he is thinking, or what his plans are. So I am just waiting for him to tell me his move out date.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
LITB sure hit on the salient points, and I'd like to include a few more of my own observations.
You're actively trying to save a marriage that your H has stated several times he doesn't want to save. That means you respect his decision. YES, you can still work on your R with him. Remember when I said that your expectations were going to get you in trouble? What he reads from this is, "Here goes Mary, thinking she's going to control me and the outcome and I just won't listen to her... period." By doing this engaging, you're giving him the green light to go right out of the door.
You've GOT to focus on you and your kiddo and let him be.
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He asked me what was wrong, and I said “nothing” then walked away.
Jeez, Mary... really? This was completely untrue. In fact, it's a damn lie. Why didn't you use your DB tactics and be authentic without all this ugly drama? You're showing him that he is right that you won't change.
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I gave a short answer and he angrily said, “Is there something you want to say to me?” I said no.
Again, inauthentic and false.
Quote:
I have been pleasant and accommodating and patient, taking care of all his needs, making dinner, washing his clothes, trying to anticipate his needs…giving him space…and he hasn’t changed his behavior at all.
Ummm, Mary, can you dissect this one a bit? Because I see more untruths here.
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I mean…how am I supposed to react to that? With more kindness and affirmation? I seriously do not know how to proceed.
Well, I really am not someone to swing 2x4's, but I think this might be the only effective way to get you to see that your words and actions are polar opposites. You say you give him space, which is not the case as I read it. You say things that aren't true. Okay, so you withhold your feelings and use them against him in your conversations. You need to seriously create a plan and stick to it. As I see here, it's more of the same volatility from you.
What kind of stop gaps can you employ to just communicate differently? In fact, I'd put this one at the top of my goals list and leave out "save marriage" for now. Let's work on authentic communication without drama.
Ideas?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My angry actions were a step back. I am aware. But that was ONE day. That wasn't a pattern of behavior. It was a day when I gave into my emotions. I have been giving him space by not asking him, EVEN ONCE, what is going on with our relationship. I haven't asked him when he is moving out, I don't check in with him, I don't follow him around the house. I keep my questions short and to the point. I stopped saying I love you, I never try to make physical contact with him.
The advice I got from the retreat people was, "Continue to do your part. Dialogue everyday and if he is not willing to reciprocate, at least present your letter to him every night.
You attend the Post sessions even if he doesn't and make sure he knows ahead of time that you are going. With you showing how important the program is to you, God can use that to poke at his heart."
Thoughts? Is this a total mistake?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I think if he has withdrawn from the program in the way he has, it isn't going to help presenting a letter to him every night.
It was good that he attended and it sounded like you both got something out of it. That's great. But he doesn't want to do this ongoing stuff - no problem - I think you should be glad of what you guys did both achieve and let go of the rest.
Why don't you carry on with the program yourself in the way you want to and just respect your H's wishes that he doesn't want to participate for now.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The advice I got from the retreat people was, "Continue to do your part. Dialogue everyday and if he is not willing to reciprocate, at least present your letter to him every night.
You attend the Post sessions even if he doesn't and make sure he knows ahead of time that you are going. With you showing how important the program is to you, God can use that to poke at his heart."
Thoughts? Is this a total mistake?
I have to say that I don't think it is a good idea. You place a significant amount of pressure on your H. He knows what you want. No need to keep reminding him.
Also, you are placing a lot of expectations on him. He went to the weekend with you. Now you expect him to attend every post session with you. When he told you no, you came away disappointed and hurt.
I suggest to keep dialoguing for yourself. If/When he chooses to join you, then would be a good time to share. Otherwise, let it be.
Also, keep a journal on your feelings and observations. Keeping a journal helped me tremendously.
You have to be patient. This isn't going to change as quickly as you hope.
This is what I believe your H is thinking...the "changes" you are making, are a ploy to make him change his mind. Why do I think that? Because your changes seem that way to me. Maybe I am wrong, just the feeling I get.
Your changes have to be sincere, and consistent over a long period of time. That's when they are believable.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You have to be patient. This isn't going to change as quickly as you hope.
This is what I believe your H is thinking...the "changes" you are making, are a ploy to make him change his mind. Why do I think that? Because your changes seem that way to me. Maybe I am wrong, just the feeling I get.
Your changes have to be sincere, and consistent over a long period of time. That's when they are believable.
My W and I are in a similar situation and let me tell you what she saw from her perspective.
Like you I felt like I was not pressuring her. I felt I was on even keel emotionally and that I was showing genuine change and was being consistent.
She told me she would look at me and see me swinging up and down emotionally. She did not know how I was going to act. She thought a lot of my actions were manipulative because they were not consistently changed for a long enough period of time.
Now here is the biggie. She felt tremendous pressure from me about working on the relationship. I was trying to change for her and the relationship and would ride along with her and her emotions as we both reacted to each other. When we were separated and spent more time apart we were doing very good. When we came closer together she felt more pressure from me and started to withdraw. I felt the withdraw and started to pursue and apply pressure that she was not ready for. This became an ugly dance and now she had filed D papers.
I understand as a LBS how we feel that we are not applying pressure or that we are creating expectations that are crushing us emotionally. There is some great advice above that you may want to read again. I wasn't patient enough in my situation so I beg you to try and slow down so you don't end up where I am.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
