"As for him sleeping over...he lost that privilege a while ago. I would not allow him to do so, unless you are out of town and require an adult to watch the children."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok, so you guys are all right and I'm a big fat idiot.
I was coming downstairs this morning while it was still dark & headlights flashed on me right through the window. It was xh pulling in next door. I couldn't believe I saw that. I started shaking and got so upset seeing him come home early in the morning. My adrenaline kept me up all night and I didn't sleep for one minute.
I called him to get it straight. He ignored and I called back. I asked what was up w him staying there. (I was actually calm and said good morning).He played it like it was no big deal like, so.... But kind of tripping over words of nothing. I asked if they were getting back together. He said it hasn't been decided yet. So I said, oh, so it's been discussed. Again... Blubber blubber. I said, you've been sleeping with her. And the anger started to show and Tried to deflect. So I said, so that's a yes. Silence.
Evident.
I said that I see he was using me to see the kids and is going back when s17 graduates? He said when s17 is good (which he is).
I reminded him that he told me he'd never do this to me again. He said there was too much damage.
So- I'm damaged goods. He damaged me- us- and can't put forth effort to fix it. So- the easy thing? Jump in the sack w her.
Why he is getting back into that when he's "not focused on a r right now" is beyond me. But, she knows what she is doing. He's clueless. And looking for easy-peasy. Well, easy she is.
And I'm not worth it to him.
So. Suck it up, right.
Rejected yet again. Old damaged family traded for a new. A fresh start. While I go it alone.
I don't know why I am shocked that he didn't come and talk to me. Again. That he did it the exact same way. That he shows no concern that it is right in front of me. I am angry at myself for believing there was hope.
And from him is now silence.
My poor kids. He looked right at d13 and told her he would never go back there. Ugh. She is going to have trust issues. So am I!
Been here- I know I can do this. But it I am tired of it.
Oh Mighty- I'm so sorry to see where things are right now. Anger is helpful to propel you forward and remind you of your worth- use it to do that for you and not let him take advantage. I know it's so hard not to run over there and shake him! Asking him questions though- doesn't help either. He's answering you with the feeling of the moment- that's all he has. No depth until he works on himself. I get it- I tried to do the same thing. To "reach" the old H I knew somewhere in there. But it doesn't work- he's buried in baggage and has to dig is own way out.
You are not damaged goods- you are an amazing person and mother getting the $hitty end of an MLCer deal. Don't let him take away any of the amazing person you are! You can do this- focus on time with your kids. Let him spin on his own- it's the only way to survive this.
Sending hugs!!!
Last edited by daring; 02/03/1504:57 PM.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Mighty, You've had a lot tossed at you...but there is one thing you need to remember... you are divorced and he fired you as his wife. Right now, Plan A is the ow and you are Plan B. He truly doesn't know what is going to happen and until it happens. I know this sounds harsh, but you've got to lower those expectations to zero at all times. He's not cooked and he's sucking the life out of you and drawing you into his drama each and every day.
He's not going to tell you much of what he's doing because he no longer is accountable to you except for the children. I know that accepting that you are divorce is difficult, but you've got to let him go so that he can find out what he truly wants. Hopefully he'll figure that out, but he's got to lose everything before he will realize that he had everything he wanted right there w/you and the children.
Please, please let him go. Please keep the focus on you and your children. Please take care of yourself.
2) It's ok to gently plant some seeds of doubt. You can (calmly) tell him he's always going to regret leaving you, a loyal loving woman, and he won't be happy when he sees you with a new man. You can also tell him that iF HWW would cheat WITH him, she'll also cheat ON him, and he'd better watch his back (he of course, will say she would never do that - but t6rust me, it'll stick in the back of his head, especially with the age difference!).
3) You can also tell him that it's one thing to ditch you again, but he CANNOT ditch his kids again and he is causing them irreparable harm if he doesn't start putting a hell of a lot more energy into his relationships with them. Tell him you expect him to man up and be the father they deserve.
Then - go on with your life. Seriously. Get out and socialize. Go on a few dates (but keep it hidden from your kids, they don't need to know this yet). Take the kids away for a fun weekend trip.
Oh - and get some tax advice before you start talking to him more about the taxes. I'm not sure what you're talking about, but if he sold a property you jointly owned as an investment and claimed the homeowner's tax exemption for a home he lived in, he does NOT meet IRS rules (you have to have lived in that home for 3 out of the last 5 years in order to take the homeowners exemption). Not sure how that would negatively impact you, but see a tax specialist before you talk to H more about it. Get your facts first.
Hey guys. Loooooooonnnggg day. I didn't sleep one minute last night. I was like a zombie today, because I just cant seem to grasp what has happend- yet again.
I feel like my sitch is the THE NEVER ENDING STORY... and I just want to get out!
I am not going to go do d13's game tonight. It's a bit of drive, through the crazy amounts of snow, and I am so tired, it won't be good.
This morning, I texted xh. I was so out of it. I just said that I cant believe that I allowed him to do this to me again and some things along those lines. He actually read my text right away this time (unlike ignoring for hours on end like the other day). No response, as expected.
I told him this morning on the phone not to step foot into my house. I actually told him a while back that if he got back with hww that I could no longer be in his life. That the (ahem) damage they two of them cause together would be too much. That I would choose to have nothing to do with him. And told him that it is easier and reminded him that I had done it before. I really mean this. It has caused so much damage to me and my family that I just want nothing to do with it.
And during a conversation we were talking about communication. I admitted that I preferred not to hear from him at all. That I didn't like it and wanted to be left alone. He was so surprised by this. I am finding that in a weird way, he actually like the drama- even though he can't stand it and can't handle it. But... I can't explain it. I also said this morning that I can't deal with the high school drama in his life (a reason why I told him to stay out of my house).
He picks up s17 in the mornings now, (probably why he even bothered go to bil this morning) and always comes in and gets coffee. I asked s17 if he came in today. S17 said no, he waited in the truck. So, at least he knows I'm not messing around.
In a way, I wonder if he wanted it to go down. Since he doesn't have the b@lls to say anything- and has no idea what the heck he is doing. It is easier if I just see him doing it and get upset, then he can just go back to her much easier than actually having a discussion with me.
OMG, so I just got a text from him. (He has a cold sore (got it on Friday, which is why I was surprised he spend the night with hww on Saturday- probably got it from her). He gets so freaked out by them. Usually would take off time from work bc he gets so embarrassed by them.) Now, he has not missed work- can't new position, I presume.
But he just texted me that he isn't going to d13's game tonight with the cold sore. Why did he feel compelled to tell me? Whatever. I'm not going to respond to that. Or any nonsense. I feel myself, in this aspect, working on memory. Auto-pilot, for sure. I can so easily cut that crap out. That part is down like military training.
But daring is right, I do want to shake him. Like, seriously!
I think here is a big part of why I'm upset:
First, his proclamation of love for me and desire to repair our relationship and family.
I had to wait bc she was pregnant.
Then I had to wait for paternity.
Then I had to wait for him to bond with the baby.
Then I had to wait bc he was focusing on all the kids and not a r.
I have been waiting. All the while... she hasn't and it has been bout that sitch over there. And, while its not about the r- they are restarting a r.
OK, then.
And, I am damaged... yet this has been determined all while I have waited for all of the above and dealing with and processing everything that was happening, what had happened, and all from a different perspective- like starting from scratch.
I was thinking about the pursuit/distance thing today.
The way xh is now, is exactly like he was last year (with a few bonuses). He is broken, a mess, and confused. Depressed.
And, just like last year when he said he needed time- I gave it to him. This year was the same. I respected that.
Now, in the past, I was the pursuer. He was the distancer (in his own needy way). When dbing- I stopped pursuing. Dropped the rope. And hww was a serious pursuer.
This time around, he is the same broken, depressed, confused guy. I did not pursue. I needed for him to work for it. Hww pursued through the whole thing.
I did not get intimate with xh. I wanted him to be better, to be stronger, and to start out... whatever it may be on more solid ground.
Hww has a history of not caring about that. So, again, he's a sucker. Pretty pathetic, but what do I know?
Honestly, I'm not sweating her at all. She is the least of my worries. I have such a different outlook now. My hurt is my hurt. And it is between xh and me. Mostly me.
