Oct 14-28, 2014 | 2009 near-separation, search for explanations. Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D Jan 16-Feb 1 | W wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet
My story After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD (after a year of job-seeking funded by me). A good listener, 10 years younger than me, better-looking and athletic, he'd been courting her from week 1 and was omnipresent throughout her move. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him and generally take the S in strides.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant. The "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me because it means doing nothing. What I'm not so good at is detach. I see a therapist since BD. _________________________________________________
Success stories I update this list every time I start a new thread. Feel free to make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
Thanks sandi2 and ganb8te! I will update both in the next thread. Hopefully, there will be more contributions. By the way, I always update slightly the top sections of my story and my DBing. Eagle eyes will notice how my perspective on my sitch is changing over time. __________________________________
The lunch appointment for tomorrow, especially the topic, has brought me about three months back emotionally. I have this running monologue that's about about encouraging her to look for happiness inside of her. It's also telling her that the difficulties that she's facing now were predictable and are the consequences of her choices. And that it is no longer my role to sacrifice for her.
It's hard to be faced with someone who's so intent and destructive. Is it depression? Why is she unhappy now as she was 5 months ago? Then it was me and her job would save her. Now it's her job that's making her unhappy and her move will save her. Is she taking her antidepressants now? Is this just a phase, a crisis, or is it her personality taking her further than ever before?
Am I really only to look at her, listen and validate and let her continue on her path? I guess so. It's not like I have a choice. Nothing I can say will set her straight now.
I try to tell myself that if she has decided that she wants to move, there's nothing I can tell her that will change her mind. It was the same thing when she decided to S. Anything I would tell her was manipulative. I didn't understand her, didn't care for her happiness, only mine.
I often wonder if her whole thing makes sense after all. To her, it does. I'm afraid to get caught in my own spin and miss her perspective. She was "miserable" with me, she took charge of her life, seized the opportunity with someone who's kind to her, she's now continuing on this empowerment path by doing what's right for her, including going back home where she feels safe. She's been craving it for years.
I want to go to bed early tonight, have a good night's sleep, dress well tomorrow, work a little, gather my thoughts and my composure. I know that seeing her will reignite plenty of feelings I'm trying to suffocate. I've just seen someone looking like her yesterday and it brought my PMA down a notch.
She's left me, she's with someone else, she's moving forward, my M is dead. Move on. If I could be in this mindset tomorrow, not in the is-there-something-I-can-say-to-wake-you-up mindset, it would be fantastic.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks for your support Karma12. It's nice to know that there are people out there who are supportive and want to know how it goes. I also have a couple of friends on the edge of their seats.
GAL report | I didn't have the kids this weekend, nor plans. I also decided not to see my usual friends, but to spend more time alone. On Saturday, I went to an architecture museum that I hadn't seen in a dozen years. I was just so happy to be there, doing something I really enjoy. I chit chatted with the girl at the entrance since there we no other patrons. On Sunday, I had my favorite comfort food at a restaurant that's so close to WAW's workplace that I can never go during the week. Then I went skating at a beautiful frozen lake in the middle of the city. I was euphoric. It was my favorite family activity last winter and I remember feeling so happy and proud to have family fun, together. I wanted to reclaim the place and it worked.
All three nights, I went to a local restaurant, just for fun. I ate at the bar each time, engaging the staff. I just feel like a grown-up who takes care of himself. Tonight, I went to a place three blocks from my home and this time, a beautiful waitress took my order. I kind of lost my means because I was distracted by her and it showed (I responded the wrong thing to her question) so we joked about it. We flirted further and when I mentioned a magazine she might like, she brought me a piece of paper and, taking the clue (unlike others), I wrote down the magazine's name... and my phone number.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, good for you going out on your own! I've done that a couple times too. It's not so weird these days to be out alone. Better than sitting home sad.
I am going on a coffee date tomorrow with someone I met online. He's a fireman and I'm a Nurse so we have lots of work stuff in common. I will update you tomorrow. Big step for me.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Frigg! My STBX is texting me again! I think he is feeling a shift with me. He texted me twice tonight. I responded to the first text after three days and kept it short. Now he's texted twice....I'm not responding. wTF
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
