The MLCer that is your H has gone back to the tunnel and will be there for a while. Nothing to do with being dishonest or disrespectful. He.Just.Cannot.Handle.Stress.At.All.
When you wrote that he couldn't look in your eye, this sets alarm bells ringing in my head that he probably got intimate with OW only fairly recently. (I know this because I did this stuff back in my college days :o)Couldn't look you in the eye because he knows in his head that he sort of promised that he'd return to the family and then got sucked in by OW and her baby.
This has ZERO correlation to you. Trust me on this. H is under so much pressure from the OW and the baby that something had to give. Guess what that was? Yup. You and his other kids.
I would not ban H from coming around the house as it is the only avenue that he gets to see the kids. My suggestion for the next time H texts you asking about the kids, "H, why don't you ask them directly yourself. You know where to reach them."
However, you are within your right to not allow H to sleep at your house overnight as he lost that privliege to do so.
This is what I was thinking Wonka. And the fact that he is gone tonight.... well... I just want off this $hit mobile. I just typed something up. I guess ending everything. I just can't do this anymore! I don't want to be silent. I don't want to be still. I want to move along. And if there was a possibility of r in the future- it is gone if he is staying there. Forget it! I guess I could send the letter tomorrow. I am pretty sure that's what I want, but i just dont want to be crazy.
Atta girl, Mighty. You're figuring out what you need to do. And I'm so glad the evening watching the game was drama free, your expectations were zero, and you carried on with your biz.
Nice to read you claiming your 'turf' back. Once we get used ... Some of us over and over... We do reach that limit and finally claim what's ours.
Interesting about the taxes... Glad to see you're no longer taking his word at face value.
This whole whirlwind comeback leave again stuff is beyond outrageous. Good to hear things are back on track and great with the kiddos, and you're laughing, and enjoying them. Yep. He's missing out. Too bad for him.
Oh, Wonka, you made me think, too. I think the kids have less expectations than me! It was like a month ago after xh was here all the time, and he didn't one day, and d13 asked where he was. I said I didn't know. She was used to him being here all the time, and the second he wasn't- she noticed and hasn't mentioned it again. It's like the kids haven't missed a beat- like he was never around for that time.
s17 never says anything, and acts like he prefers xh is not around. I encourage him and remind him he will have a good time, which he does, but he carries much doubt still. I think they know more about this process than me!
Now I'm afraid of the dark. I'm ok now, but it's late and I have to be up in a few hours. I am afraid to turn off my light and lay my head down. I am afraid the thoughts will start to torment me.
It's like my brain is walking through a land mine. I am totally ok right now. Right here. I'm safe. One slight move...
Mighty - these fake reconciliations - an extreme form of touch and go, are among the most hurtful aspects of MLC. I am so sorry that you are going through it. It may not help to know that many of us here have one or more of these, except that we understand your pain, and as Job says, it can be more hurtful when they pull away into the tunnel the second time. Except of course that we know what MLC is and we do bounce back quicker.
They do not know what they want. Let your xh deal with your children and keep as distant as you can from him and his drama. Dealing with MLCers is crazy making.
Above all take care of yourself, and stop monitoring what he is doing completely - this includes 'happening to notice'
They are nuts, and not good to be around right now.
What comforts me a little is knowing that, had I accepted what he was giving...I would have been accepting so much less than I deserve.
In my case, the kids were heartbroken, but acted as if they were fine and expected it all along. Afterwards, they really stopped expecting much of anything from their father.
Take really good care of you right now, so you can be there for the kids. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I agree w/Wonka. Mlcers can't handle stress, nor can they handle being around sick or dying individuals. It's too much for them to handle and their emotional banks going into over load and what do they do? They run right back down into the rabbit hole, hoping that things will resolve themselves before they peek out of the hole once again. To us it looks dishonest and disrespectful, but to them it's called "survival mode". They have to regroup those emotional banks to handle some of the stressors.
The not looking in your eye is called guilt. He has done something that he knows was wrong, i.e., just like the little boy who takes a cookie from the cookie jar after you have told him no and then you catch him.
Your children are old enough to have conversations w/their father on their own. I agree that the next time he inquires about them, suggest that he ring them up, text and/or email them. If they wish to speak w/him, so be it. Time for him to realize that you aren't going to be the go between all of the time. As for him coming to your home to visit the children, it's okay, but I wouldn't make this a habit. Especially offering him dinner or having his favorite foods around. He's a big boy and between him and the children, they should also be able to come up w/activities that they can do together outside your home. While he's there, you do not need to feel that you have to be in the same room w/him. If you have things to do, do them. If you have errands to run, run them. He's your new sitter! Use that time wisely and do something nice for yourself.
As for him sleeping over....he lost that privilege a while ago. I would allow him to do so unless you are out of town.
Please take care of yourself. The last few months have been an emotional coaster for you because of the way things have gone down. I wish that there was something I could do to make it better for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
