Calibri (3)

[gan]

Ganb8te- pecan you recommend the book in a way that won't get your post edited?
---
Honest question time. Would love everyone's feedback. At what point do you accept your spouse's "I don't want to work on this/be married/be with you." As truth and just, for lack of better words, just set them free?

Mmm pecans ....

The book was PM by David Schnarch. Lots more in there than what I am referring to above but Section 3 gave me a good framework for thinking about my own self-development in all this mess, as well as my approach to my next R. Good work-on-me companion to DR. Beware the graphic language!

As for your question above, I pondered this early on, too. At some point I realised that the answer didn't matter. I would be doing the same thing regardless of whether I accepted it or no, which is to say: self-soothe, confront my own issues, GAL. That's where your focus should be right now - moving yourself forward (not on necessarily, but forward).

Yes, I think you should go dark. Contact didn't serve you well, wouldn't you agree?

[Pink17]

C,

You got good advice here. The "YOU" part of everything is what gets to me too. When it comes to the point that someone says: it's you and only you that can decide when to stop, when you had enough, then I have a lot of doubts.

I ended up reading DB and DR a lot of times, over and over, and it's getting to me that I need to let go on the crazy thinking about H all the time.

It's very hard, and there are days I just can't do it. But it's necessary even if you have a chance to start a new R with him. You need to cleanse your soul, your thoughts.

Why we need to get very busy? Because being busy not only keeps you not thinking too much about your sitch, it also enrich yourself as a person. It gives you new horizons to look for. At first it feels really hard, then you push yourself because you know you must do it in order to get better, then as you do it things start getting easier and you will find that you can have some fun, relax, enjoy at least for the moment being.

Your H, M/R are very important, but it's YOU that is the most important of all. At the end of the line, you have only you.
Don't give up on your M, keep it in a sacred place somewhere inside you, sleeping away for awhile. Be open for new stuff, think of things you always want to do. Plan a vacation, hang with friends.

You see, I am not saying you need to look for a new guy, a new R. All what I am saying is that you need to take control over your own life and feelings. Take control over your practical life, do the things you need to do to protect your finances. Go to work, pay your bills, house work, etc. And take good care of your emotional side, go to your IC frequently, have your doctor's appointments, meet your friends very often if not everyday, explore what is available in your area regarding to volunteering, do some good to someone else, help others, go dancing, buy a pair of clothing, or jewelry, exercise very often or every day so those happy chemicals start helping you, take some anti-depressant if necessary... bottom line, try to avoid being alone.

Surround yourself with people, it will help bit time.

I know it is hard, I am doing it myself. It's the worse crap I had in my whole life. It hurts deeply and you just want the other person to snap back into reality, but they don't. And they won't in our time frame.

Always remember that your H is under his parents influence now and they are not let go until they see that you backed off. So, if you give it some break, they will back off and your H will be able to think for himself.

If you try to control and whatever, that will be doing the same. Where are your 180s?, what are your goals, timeline and how you will get there?

The question of letting go: the answer is that it happen, you will know when you don't want anymore, when you are done and just want all this to be in the past. It's not something you can determined. It is something that happen inside you, a switch happen and you don't even know why. One day you wake up and you start feeling that there is no more intense pain, that you don't think too much about it anymore. This is what happen, the candle just goes off.

Don't try to stop yourself from feeling what you feel, don't put a date thinking that your love has expiration, don't think that you need to forget because this or that. Just let it happen. One thing is for sure, it just happen. And you will know it happen. Until then, work on yourself, change some things you don't like about yourself, enjoy the things you like. Give yourself this time to live your own life.

I hope you find some peace inside you. I have finally understood most of the DBing process only now. And yes, I have been trying my best to give myself a chance to dream again, to have some moments of fun, some small victories that have been improving to bigger ones. It's a process and it's not easy.

Take C, remember you are an amazing person.

XOXO
Pink

[Faith20]

C,

How are your H's parents toxic? My H's mom is also toxic and someone who I truly believe played a HUGE part in my H deciding to divorce me. I've been DB'ing my A** off since September, but I feel like I will never win against my MIL. Actually, my H saw her yesterday and then called me and said he had a great talk with his mom and now wants to talk to me about moving forward... sigh. Outsiders like family members who have a huge influence on our spouses are one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. I'm sorry you deal with this as well.

My H is also a huge people pleaser and one of the reasons he says he never spoke up when he was unhappy was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings (really??). I feel your pain on frustrating that is, because it's honestly been driving me nuts! How does any of the even make sense?!

Hang in there girl. I see a lot of similarities in our situations and I follow your threads a lot even when I don't respond (it's hard to at work and home).

Sending you positive thoughts and hugs, xoxo

[Calibri]

So. H sent me an email, responding to an email that I sent him about having to do taxes, keeping the lines of communication open (I had a sick dog twice last week - his dog -- and couldn't reach him because he had blocked me) and some general stuff.

This was his response back (keep in mind, last email I got from him was and I quote, "I don't plan on working on the marriage, thank you for your understanding.")
---
"I apologize that I have been unreachable. I hit what felt like the breaking point for myself and had to take all steps I could to prevent. I know that doesn’t help you but I am just trying to explain myself somewhat.

I agree we have to keep the communication lines open. There are things at the house that need to be attended. I didn’t think we would file taxes separately.

I am removing the block in case of emergencies. And I would like to plan to text/possibly speak Wednesday evening. I will be working late today and tomorrow trying to catch up after being out sick for 1.5 days.

I am sorry you had to endure what I most recently put you through. I hope you are faring better."

---
So what now? Where's Wonka -- she's the queen of email responses.

We so desperately need to communicate with one another.

The week this all went to hell in a handbasket (the latest time), he got passed over for a position at work, got a negative review, denied a raise, felt the lowest point that he had been in years, told me he was working on things with me, got busted on Tinder and having a conversation with a girl on FB, decided to enforce boundaries for the first time in his life, moved out of his hotelbatcave, had several bad therapy sessions with his therapist digging up childhood chit and started talking in depth to his toxic mother and told me that he feels that all he does is hurt people in his life, disappoint them and can't amount to anything.

I'm honestly surprised that he's at work -- the kid (that's my nickname for him sometimes) is made of some tough stuff. Granted, he probably got the separation letter today so who knows if that'll send him into a tailspin as well.

I would like to know what's going on -- why he feels the way he does. I would like to work on my 180's, because quite frankly he's the one who pushes my buttons and I don't have a chance to practice them with him because he has ZERO communication skills.

Regardless of what happens to us -- I love him. So deeply. So truly. I want what's best for him. And I am so concerned for him right now. I was to be supportive, but I honestly, just do not know what to do other than stand stock still and let him talk. Like no sudden movements, you know?

--
Help?

[Wonka]

Calibri,

Fear not! Here I am with my sparkly, glitter hot pink Sharpie.

What do you think? I'll work with you baby...your ball, your court.

How about taking a jab at this with STFU and KISS principles? That'll be a good starting point, honey.

[Sotto]

Hi Calibri

Would it be best to just stick to brief & simple..

Hi H, thanks for your email. I'm sorry you've had a rough time - I know this is hard for us both. I'm happy for us to text/talk on Wed eve. Take care, C.

Or something along those lines...

[Calibri]

I think making him comfortable and feeling "safe" is a priority.

Hi H,

Thank You for your response. Wednesday night would work well for my schedule. I should be free after 8pm for a text/or phone call. Would that work for you?

Thank you for letting me know what was going on last week in regards to being out of contact. I know you've had alot of stress going on with therapy, work, your review and our situation. I hope that you'd be willing to share some of your feelings with me.

Please let me know about Wednesday - hope you're feeling better.

Calibri

---

??

I don't even know.

I'm suspecting for him to say, I'm stressed out, I don't want to do this anymore - I'll fix the house so you can sell it and be done with it. Personally, I'm trying to.....not go that route if possible. But that's the control freak in me.

[Sotto]

The only thing I would lose is - I hope that you'd be willing to share some of your feelings with me....sounds a bit like pressure!

[Wonka]

Calibri,

Your first draft is a very good start. How about throwing in some validation here? It seems to be missing a bit. Go back to my Validation Cheat Sheet for some ideas.

Hi H,

Thank You for your response. Wednesday night would work well for my schedule. I should be free after 8pm for a text/or phone call. Would that work for you?

Thank you for letting me know what was going on last week in regards to being out of contact. I know you've had alot of stress going on with therapy, work, your review and our situation. [Try to insert some validating comments showing that you get his situation.] I hope that you'd be willing to share some of your feelings with me. [This last line is a bit too much for H...feeling a bit pressure from reading it. Change this up to be more of a nonchalent as in, "I'm here if you wish to talk" because it shows him that he has a choice to do so or not.]

Please let me know about Wednesday - hope you're feeling better. [how about using some words to prop him up as in he can handle things...ya know?]

Calibri

[Mozza]

We so desperately need to communicate with one another.

Why? Honest question. To file the taxes? Take care of the dog? I hope it's not to do some instant therapy or to convince him that D is a bad idea?

The week this all went to hell in a handbasket (the latest time), he got passed over for a position at work, got a negative review, denied a raise, felt the lowest point that he had been in years, told me he was working on things with me, got busted on Tinder and having a conversation with a girl on FB, decided to enforce boundaries for the first time in his life, moved out of his hotelbatcave, had several bad therapy sessions with his therapist digging up childhood chit and started talking in depth to his toxic mother and told me that he feels that all he does is hurt people in his life, disappoint them and can't amount to anything.

Poor guy! I really hope he gets a breather from one of these. How come you know so much by the way, since you two barely communicate?

the kid (that's my nickname for him sometimes)

Woah. I could never ever imagine my W calling me "kid". Neither would I all her that. I don't even remember another couple using this nickname, tough I'm not there in their intimacy and it might be more common than I realize.

Think of another relationship that you have with someone that you consider your equal. A cousin? A colleague? Now imagine calling him "kid". If I were to call someone kid, I'd definitely "feel" in a position of power towards that person. I'd never call my boss "kid" for instance. It's not my personality, but I might imagine calling a colleague as such, but because I feel an advantage over him.

I would like to know what's going on -- why he feels the way he does.

Re-read the paragraph above and it will give you a hint. See how much you yearn for controlling him again. How difficult it is for you to just accept his rhythm, his demands, his emotions. And this is when you are powerless because he's in charge. I really wonder what it looked like in the M, when you had obligations to one another. You don't want to know how he feels, you want to control it, you want to fix it, to change it. That's how it comes across. You don't want a letter or third person telling you how he feels -- which would give you the knowledge you're asking for -- you want direct communication with him because that's how you can influence him.

Regardless of what happens to us -- I love him. So deeply. So truly. I want what's best for him. And I am so concerned for him right now. I was to be supportive, but I honestly, just do not know what to do other than stand stock still and let him talk. Like no sudden movements, you know?

I've been meaning to tell you that your recent concern about his safety was... over the top. You really, honestly feared that maybe he was dead and, if so, that you had a role to play? That you could still save his life, say, before he crossed that street in front of a bus? How many people you know are dying every week? What are the chances that he is dying? That you could save him? That nobody else is there for him? That he can't take care of himself?

I wonder if you have some savior syndrome, if this guy is your guinea pig and feeds your sense that you have to save the world (or someone). Do you think he has the same reaction you do, wondering if you're going to survive without him? It might help you to see the imbalance to imagine your reactions applied to him.

==========

Email response. "Thanks. Don't worry. I'm glad you took care of yourself. I'm available when you want to talk." Don't invade his space, not even by showing excessive concern.