Part 11 - contents may be different than

[edz]

Hi all

Been another long day with lots more than I can journal here.

Thanks v and rd, will get into more talked over with w today in a bit but yes before I spoke to w I asked him if I should talk to mummy and he did want me to. There were bits he spoke to me about he just wanted to talk to me about and those I've kept to myself I've therefore not brought them here in case w does happen across it not mine to tell s will tell w or ask me to.

S's ll is gifts and acts of service v as well as my time lots and lots and yes tons of hugs. S is like me and very emotionally sensitive.

Yesterday in the car was pretty much what you describe v, s turned the radio off and said to me he thought it wasnt appropriate while we are talking (he's 10 remember).

So today...

W arrived as s was sitting down to breakfast so made her a coffee and toast and we just chatted. On the way out we dropped by the shops so w could pick up an order that was waiting for her. We had some good fun in the car even when we got stuck in a 45 minute traffic jam when a caravan had fallen over and again in roadworks. Some really good opportunities for showing my r with s and those of you who've had 10 year olds in the car on a road trip know how those go. We had no rows lots of laughs music and fun.

Once we got there let w and s out while I found a space and then caught up with them. We had a good wonder around w got a load of bits and I picked up some bits I wanted bar a desk as I can't get that in the car with passengers. Set my PMA and attitude today to be fun with s fun with w but make it clear I didn't behave as her h today just someone out with her no r talk etc.

S was hungry as we all were at the end of the shop so we headed to mcdonalds w bought lunch and somehow we fell into a very brief chat on s and touching on r I said Im just carrying on but haven't ruled anything out. S rejoined us and we had more fun and then more of the same jokes and fun on the way back.

W and s came back here (car was left here) and they came in poured w a glass of wine and s wanted to watch youtube on his phone (w's old one with no sim but WiFi) so headed off to his room and put heating on as w was cold we ended up talking sitting on the sofa with a throw on our knees.

We talked a lot about quite a few bits that had popped up before bd, I tried to keep PMA and not drop into pursuit, stuck with my position that I dont want the marriage to end but I can't do much if thats what she wants to do and she needs to work out what's going to make her happy while I do the same, meantime we focus on s. She said she worries she's going to be the bad guy in all this insofar as s, I asked has she spoken to s about it but she said he hasn't really opened up on anything I said if she's worried about being the bad guy thats her solution if she leaves it then since s is less than three years to being a teenager (in years less in maturity) it may well be harder to sort later.

Conversation moved into where we are right now and what happens next. I did not want to delve into it too deep, I think its clear to her I dont want to d (although I'm becoming less sure as time goes on but today we just felt right no stress fun as a family and we had some good laughs and talk chilling out in the lounge) w did say well you wouldn't excumunicate me would you... Had to pause here.

I've said to w that if we split further with a view to d (clearly there's the "thing" which hasn't been raised by w, it may have been moved past or being considered I dont know so I can't figure it in or I'll go down a tunnel again) then I can friendly coparent but thats it, w doesn't like this, really doesn't like this but immediately thats all I can offer I can't be best friends like we've been for 16 years and get d I wouldn't be able to move on. This isn't an ultimatum its my boundary for me. She understands that I think but she doesn't like it thats clear.

Ultimately I didn't expect any answers today or with any timescale but we touched back on our conversation from September. Tried to balance being happy, positive with warm, validation and keeping STFU in mind.

We also spoke about s and his he. W seems happy for me to start becoming more involved. We talked about weekends as well that sometimes may be nice if s sees me at times in the week so she can have the odd weekend as she has him then gets down time at the weekend but is on her own.

This is the crux of her and s, she's committed 100% of her time to s and nothing else. Remind anyone of anything? Yup as I've posted she's massively codependent. I can't tell her that or what to do but did say its also an opportunity for her to look into the things shed like to do like learn some computer things herself. I didn't let Mr fixit out he wanted to come out but I was afraid I wouldn't get him back in the box.

There was lots more talk on her friends (some seem to have drifted off of late) her mum has an offer on the flat and lots else.

Found it all a little overwhelming tbh. Found myself split that I didn't want her to go, we were all comfortable s in his room w and I on sofa all warm lots of fun. But equally there's so much confusion in w's relation with me she seems to want to be at her place without me or anyone else so she says but not be on her own to be best friends with me and keep our over a decade relationship but not in m although there's also no intention to d that she's discussed. Arghhhhhh.

Anyhoo she headed off will be in touch in the week as I may be heading up to my dads to pick up some chairs and w said why not take s with me in the evening. V happy about the way shes seeing s and I have a very different relationship but sad at her confusion on what she wants and how she wants to get there. It all seems full of contradiction and confusion.

It was a veey good day, we had a lot of fun I think Im left feeling confused as it was so close to one of our good old days (before a lot of issues started).

Hmmmm...a lot to ponder.

[Sotto]

Hi Edz. Glad you had a good day. It all sounds pretty positive to me. Your W has clearly seen the changes in your R with S. So much so, that now she's concerned about being the bad guy in all of this. Great that there may be some more flexibility in time you spend with him too....lovely to maybe have some midweek time.

Also good that your W and you are able to touch on R, and the convo goes ok - even when you state your boundary, which your W doesn't like. Sounds like you managed to keep up the good PMA, despite touching on some pretty personal stuff.

All that said, your W isn't making any moves 'back towards' as such. But I also get a sense that she doesn't want to completely lose you either. And maybe that's where this reaction to the boundary comes in. She doesn't (yet?) want 'back in' - but she also doesn't want you moving on and meeting someone else - she'd like you still to be great friends and be able to come spend the day, be on the couch under the rug etc. If you D and you meet someone else, all that stops. And from what you say, she finds that prospect a difficult one.

Now, whilst it has been a good day, remember the ebbs and flows. It may well be that she pulls back again now. The 'thing" may still be in the mix. And it may be confusing to have talked like you did etc. So, important to maintain that degree of detachment, and your own steadiness if this happens.

When are you off to see the gyms this week? I had a nice few hours with the parents today. Mum has severe dementia and my Dad looks after her full time. Spending time with the pair of them is never dull! Then back here for a few hours and off to aerobics this pm. Nice day.

Chin up Edz....you're doing great! :-)

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Glad you had a good day and you spent nice time with W. Lots of positives for me but much like my own sitch a lot of words and no action.

It's great that your R with your S is becoming g even stronger but re the W I would keep a neutral mind set. Don't ignore the positives but at the same time don't read to much into them.

Take care Rd

[edz]

Thanks toots

No worries with detatchment and being guarded. Absolutely the "thing" is in play I know about it but I dont know if it's absolutely something she's going to follow and its no easier to straddle discussing and keeping her privacy either! Arghh.

I felt strained this evening after they went I enjoyed our day the evening was also very nice but when she went I felt mixed feelings. Not as I would have been upset though. You're absolutely right in what you say its clear she doesn't want to lose our friendship and my help etc (all the non romance aspects) but I have to stick to the boundary. If we do go toward d and indeed do d. I dont pretend I'll immediately meet a new soul mate but I also have no intention of sitting alone to the end of my days. No threats, no ultimatums just the truth. W said this evening that I wouldn't be cutting them off in that case but she seemed confused that friendly coparenting wouldn't be the same. I didn't and won't go on about the details as I feel its beating her over the head with info and sounding confrontational.

She said ok and we moved on. Her BL and face said something entirely different. As you say I'm expecting a tune out couple of days with little contact except re s. "Thing" is a wild card I dont know how that will play out all I can do is know I dont have to engage, I can warmly validate and listen within my boundary and her comfort level in communication (eg not pursuing) additionally I have the same options w does we can only r if we both chose to and either of us can chose to simply move on. Were both committed to s me more so than in many years.

A little tired and emotionally weeary suppose just feeling a little unloved, I know thats not the case s alone has hugged me and told me he loves me all weekend but I still miss being in a loving relationship after 6 months.

I'm ok and feel I get better at this each time but wish w would open up a little more to me suppose its Mr f whispering in my ear!

Anyway.

Got a short list of gyms and w brought up another today as she thought the idea of s coming along was brilliant not to mention good for his health. So will be the next couple of days. Will come down to money as its very very tight (well non existent is closer). I'll do it anyway for my gal activities, PMA, health and also to get into a better shape not for w or dating (both are considerations but neither are pressing) but to feel better about me.

Glad your day was good as well toots, thanks for checking in on me

[edz]

Cheers rd

[Vanilla]

Sounds like everything is great with Edz and S.

Pull way back on W. Warm but remote, be mysterious Edz, super spy.

It is a watch and wait.

V

[edz]

Thanks v



Bft is being a pickle again tonight probably after another day without much company but you can have one of these squeeks she keeps putting out

[Vanilla]

Morning BFT

Get that Edz up and moving.

I belong to David lloyd as it has a pool and have added H grandchildren to it. There is tons of activities for kids too. For very little extra can add membership to all the gyms. Useful when at my holiday flat and also when visiting glam sis and fav cousin. Get 10% discount off food and drink and all classes are free.

I also have a spa membership with different facilities and where I have signed up for body building. Two memberships! Better start making use of them.

V

[edz]

You think she let's me off that late v?

[jim0987]

Blimey edz, I take a day away from the boards and all sorts of things happen....

Glad you had a good time with S at the science centre and that you had a nice family day.

As for the conversation with your wife, I can see lots of positives there and from your descripition I think you handled it really well. As others have said she must be seeing your improved R with S.

The one thing I would say to remember is that when you start dating (anyone not specifically now) you dont leap into full marriage living together territory. I sometimes feel that we are looking for full 100% recommitment when actually starting to date again (beginners mindset) may be a more realistic prospect.

As for the 'thing', i would say dont dismiss it but concentrate on the reality of what is happening with W. if you do think of it use it as a way to keep your expectations under control

Hope you have a good day