Our MC said the same thing to us, and in my case, it was 100% correct. And it blew up. I don't know if I'd use the term "wrong" but perhaps people with issues where we need a lot of work. My mom is really controlling (lots of fear, which originated in childhood), and my dad is pretty passive aggressive (had a lot of issues with his dad in childhood). No surprise I became controlling and married someone with P/A issues.
I think you're right in that it feels comfortable to us. It's a pattern we know well, even if it svcks and we know it svcks. The real problem is that our filter is skewed, if not broken. It's tough to rebuild, but not impossible.
In some cases, we need to learn how to own our stuff without blaming others and taking responsible for how we feel. For me, that seemed to take more than 4 decades.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
For anyone entering the dating scene, or soon to be... I have been somewhat actively dating and it is a whole new experience. It is a great way to GAL, its wonderful for the ego, its amazing to get to know other people. One word of caution: Make sure you are very clear about who you are interacting with. A lot of WAWs tendencies are still in my head and I have to be very careful that I don't project those onto the person I am with. Many times I have caught myself jumping to conclusions because I was so accustomed to interacting with WAW.
I am enjoying the good experiences, laughing at the bad ones, and looking forward to the next one.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I go to Scouts to drop off papers and find that one of the most helpful, committed dads there has just been gutted by his wife, I listen to his story for an HOUR. STBX is there with my kids and it's weird. I feel awful for the guy. And sad and disappointed -- his wife was someone I liked. And I'm listening and doing my best to offer support and at the same time thinking, "my God, this was me except I held it in and kept it secret while making multiple family visits, hosting visitors, parties, unpacking the house, volunteering for PTA, etc., for SIX MONTHS. HOW did I do that?" I feel awful for him and his boys.
And then church fella texts me and we have even more overlapping interests and I'm excited but also worried it's a bit of a set up at the same time.
And then I go to a wine party and hang out with a ton of friends. I had a great time and it was liberating to be out for the first time in more than a month. One is a realtor so I talked to her about listings, down payments, location, etc., and I feel much better. She is signing me up for an early warning system and that will help. I think I need to lower my expectations about timing. It's good to know that.
It's time to let go and let God. He's led me right so far and the right things will happen if I don't get in my own way. SUCH a strange evening.
Hugs to all you people, especially tonight the ones who are new to their sitches and feeling most raw. I'm saying prayers for serenity for you all tonight.
Last edited by Maybell; 01/31/1504:21 AM. Reason: Grammar
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, you did hold it together and were mighty for a long time. I think you're smart to be cautious about church guy. He is in a vulnerable place and primed for a rebound relationship to diminish his pain. Just take it slow and see where it goes. It's sad how common these stories are. Sometimes I fear I will never be able to fully trust in a relationship again. For me, I though marriage was marriage, and I would never betray that vow. It's been an earth-shattering realization to find out that this wasn't true for my H. Anyway, I'm glad you see possibilities with someone else -- honestly the only people I would be interested in right now would be widowers and other chumps.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Took me 3 month to tell my bestie, but h had already told her. He told her it was an amicable split, he neglected to mention the ow!
She thought I was nuts holding out hope, althought she thought like I did ow was recent and given h penny pinching nature ow would prove to far away and too expensive to keep seeing. Seems not, seems she is soul mate material! Lol
Poor cow, knowing what I suffered and hearing what I hear from others ow is getting treated the exact same, poor cow.
What I'm saying in a long story is look out for mayb, no one else will and you don't know what the church guy is really like. He might be great he might be right for now, but won't be mr long term.
We don't know what is around that next bend in the tunnel It's could be a bus or train instead of a light. Lol it could be bringing great stuff for you.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ahoy, church fella is not the same as the guy I listened to for an hour last night. Church fella divorced 5 years ago and seems to be in a great place, judging from what our several mutual friends tell me.
Yes, I'm looking out for Maybell. I want to just get to know people. I'm in NO rush to be in "a relationship" -- it's WAY too soon for that. But I think it would be very affirming to spend time with someone who doesn't find my interests curious rather than shared. I don't want to be a thing apart the way I think STBX thinks of me.
Anyway, we'll see what happens. There's a lot on my plate. This is just something fun to make me smile.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I never really stop these days, it's almost manic smiling. People love it, and they aren't shy to share that. Which is nice and gives me motivation to keep it up.
Even stuff some see as negative now makes me smile. The rhc xh tells me how abusive he is makes me laugh. People tell me h is running Nekid down the street, I would cheer.
It's weird, but I don't care about things like I used to. Which is a flip back to a prior me.
Last edited by Ggrass; 01/31/1501:49 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
