I am so glad to hear you doing very well. I also do like seeign that your H is at least wanting to still be around ... maybe he has his place, its less pressure and he can be alone with his thoughts and get through his stuff. I think that is key for him, and any MLC'r for that matter ... being allowed the time and space to work through this. You are handling it all with such style and grace .. its inspiring ... truly it is.
LegoLand? ... my neck of the woods, I am literally 10 minutes away and have been there just once ... lol. I was impressed ... be mindful of the traps ... they will try to get you to take the place home with ya!!
Enjoy your time, sounds like a great memory maker for you and your boy...he will LOVE it!!
I agree with the others that you sound put together and calm. Good for you!
On my thread I also describe my DH coming to the house "sneaking his stuff out". I hated it. I asked him to respect my boundaries.Hmm.
After he filed for D then I changed the locks. I couldn't stand him coming in and taking stuff. I know it's our stuff and he and I should have every right to the items but gee whiz- let's talk about it.
I tried to be open and have conversations with my DH at the beginning and all I got was deflected eye contact. No conversations about anything. He was and is weird.
I offered him to come over and I'd even make dinner for him and the children and I'd leave. Nope. He didn't want to be here. Our home is too much of a reminder of responsibility and the life he doesn't want. So for you to be nice - hmmm...just be careful. They are in a weird place. Take care of yourself and your S. Have fun at Legoland!!
Job - I am loving my H free home. Don't laugh, but I even ordered some sandalwood incense to "cleanse" the house of negative energy. I didn't realize how much I myself need this time and space. I have S 95% of the time, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I feel sometimes like I am shorting myself, being too available to have S all the time and not really being able to have much girl time or alone time , but I also feel like my S needs me right now. It wouldn't feel right to push leaving him off with H when I see he is still adjusting.
Caliguy - thank you for your compliments. I myself am amazed at how I have learned to not react on emotions. It has had a wonderful positive effect on my life and in how I feel overall. You are by Legoland!!?? I would be broke if I was. This will be our 3rd trip, S absolutely loves it. The hotel itself is a blast. Hey! If you get a wild hair, grab S and join us!
Vg1 - sometimes I wonder if I am too nice, considering all we have been through. But it's me, it's being true to myself. I know when I look back, I prefer to see myself in a good light. Believe me, there has been a lot of anger, but it never fails to make me feel worse. I hope he doesn't take advantage of my niceness, but I care too much about how S sees me and who I see when I look in the mirror. I will be careful
So updating. Things are going good at work. I stepped down from a higher position for less money when I had S and have been reluctant to change that. I am a hard worker and have been encouraged by management to step back up but have always resisted. Well, we have a coworker retiring this summer and concerns on how to replace the position. I have let management know I am ready to step up to the plate and do whatever I can to keep our office running smooth they are aware of my situation and know I am mainly responsible for S, and I let them know that he has to be a part of the equation. So, we will see where that goes, pretty excited
Got our couches and love them. Today was V Day. Ugh, I am so glad it is over. However, I went into this day reminding myself that I am surrounded by love, I don't need a mans love to be important! But the day still stank. S and I had gotten a tin together filled with brownies we made, cookies and a giant Reese's, H favorite. I in return got nothing. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting that. Even last year he got me flowers, said it didn't feel right not to. I guess that has changed. So he came over to pick up S for the day and got his tin of goodies. I thought, oh maybe he wants to take S to pick out some flowers. No, still nothing when he dropped S off, but he mentioned how good the Reese's was! But you know what? I don't regret giving him something because it was a simple, loving and thoughtful gift from S and I, and at least 1 of us is being a good example for S! It feels good and ya, that's how I roll!
Overall, I am feeling good, but the last couple of days I am feeling anxious and not sleeping well. It may be Vday, maybe the upcoming trip, but I think once I am away I will feel better. I think the time away from it all is needed!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Its funny how things seem to fall into place when we need them to, at just the right time. The job opportunity sounds like just the right fit at just the right time and your priorities are all set, they know that and as management I would respect that knowing I have someone who can do the job and .. well .. just "gets it" as far as life goes.
Hope you enjoy Legoland ... I stay away from that place .. even though its 15 minutes away ... lol. S has today off but I am at work, I've been thinking of planning a camping trim during the summer with him .... he is getting to that age now .. and it goes so fast ... Enjoy your kiddo and the plastic blocks!!
hmmmm. Time to vent. It's been awhile? Saturday when H dropped off S, he mentioned he wanted to see S yesterday, before we left. Asked my plans for the day, which was nothing but getting ready for trip. Didn't hear from him until 6:00, asked if he could come over about 7:30. On his way, he called and asked if we ate or should he pick up something for himself, ya, for himself. I told him we had not eaten yet and there was enough for him. So, H shows up, has dinner, talked about how exhausted he was, thought he almost had a heart attack that day and had to lay down. Long silly story. Then rummaged through my freezer and helped himself to ice cream. Spun S around on my new swivel chair that came with the couch even though I asked him not to. The thing is brand new and I don't want it to break! He completely ignored me. Then he grabbed cell phone, want to bathroom, and came out letting S know he was getting ready to go. So obvious. A full blown teenager he has become.
So it left me thinking once again. Am I being TOO nice? I sense some cake eating here. Bothered me. So I had asked FIL to watch our dog while away but H insisted she will be fine at his place. S and I left this morning with plan for H to pick her up today. At 5:00, my cat sitter let me know dog is still home. She was worried that H would forget about her. H just replied to my TM that we made our trip safe. So I asked, did you get dog ok? He replied he was on his way to get her, that he had some running around to do today. BS. It's 9:00. I am so sick of his self absorbed a** I replied, um...ok..If you are....too busy....please just let your dad watch her.
You guys, I feel ready to blow. His self absorption has reached a level that I am fed up with and I am tired, so tired, of keeping the peace. This weekend has just done it for me. I think I am making this way too easy for him. I try, for S, to have him over with open door. But am I letting him cake eat?
I suppose it comes down to what feels right for me, what I can put up with. Your thoughts please?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I hope he picked up the dog. In the future, please do not rely on him for anything. They way that they will do things and then they don't or they are late doing them. Thank goodness kitty sitter was there to tend to both of them for a bit.
As for the ice cream deal, well...you have to decide what you will put up with. I wouldn't allow that kind of behavior since he's not living there and especially twirling your brand new chair around. I would have had to stop that action pretty quick. Take the cake, plate and fork away from him. You no longer have a diner or ice cream shop.
He will only get worse before he gets better. Do what you need to do to protect your heart and emotions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job and thank you. I know I can't depend on him, but she is his dog too and he is always asking to take her home but S says no. Lol. He knows better than me!
I had a night filled with anxiety. Being away from home, worrying about my animals, angry at H....Thankfully I was able to get some sleep. I had a dream about H. He was telling me that he was seeing someone and he thought he loved her, but it didn't work out. I said, what!? Every time I asked you you always denied having someone. He said he didn't understand why I was so upset, that we were separated. So I told him, relationships are work, marriage is tough, but just because times get hard, it doesn't mean you bail. I yelled at him, you totally bailed on our life! He started laughing hysterically. I slapped him and woke up. Ugh, not a good dream!
I woke up wondering why am I so angry right now? Why so anxious? Well, it may have been the 6 hour drive of thinking. Lots of thinking about sitch and bringing me to feeling overwhelmed about it. I decided, I am on vacation, a special one with S with memories to last. Time to shake it off!
I have to hope the best for my pets. My cat is in good hands and safe. She will be fine. My dog, well, she is chipped if she gets loose while H is at work. There is nothing I can do now but hope for best.
As for H, it is what it is. I have not invited him over once since he moved out, that will remain the same. Dinner just happens, I don't invite him, and I see how much S enjoys it, so that will have to just play out for now. I think I may be a little too friendly with him, like good buddies or something. I need to watch myself. Like you said Job, I will pay more attention to myself and my things to protect myself and S. H is in major self absorbed overdrive right now.
Thank you for letting me get it out. I notice I can work myself through these downs quicker and easier. Time to enjoy the moment!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I totally get it, the fact they become so self absorbed I often wondered at times with myself if I was feeling for us both, sad on both sides for the state of the M, angry for both sides for the damage done ... because our MLC'rs do not seem to have a clue that we are on the same spiining globe with them, as far as they are concerned its all about them and they honor us or our kids when they feel the need. Its very very frustrating.
As far as your dream ... I lived it, it was reality .. .and just to let everyone know, if your spouse leaves you, you are separated, there for the affairs do not count. Thats the rule, or so at least I have been told. There is a evil part of me, the one with the twisted sense of humor that thinks IF this M ever survives ... I will celebrate by going on vacation with W and S, see a hottie at the bar .. get her drunk .. inform W we will be separtated for the night ... ya know .. cause thats the rule and all ..... lol .. hey its a little fantasy I like to laugh about.
Mleigh ... you are on vaca, I am sure the H will take care of the dog, your cat is in good hands ... there is little you can do as you said, however there is something you can do .... enjoy that time away, make memories .. your kiddo is lucky to have a strong mother who has her chit together ... Have fun!!!
H is all alone and needs to be, let him sort his stuff out ... dude is in full replay mode and that's the hardest one it seems, let him to his work, you be you and just stay awesome.
I agree, H is in full replay and who knows how far he will go. I want and think nothing more than telling him go, do your thing and find that happiness you are so desperate to find and that I keep you from having. I would have no problem not seeing or speaking to him, cold turkey! I can't stand the man (used loosely), that he has become. But with S, that is not an option.
I have no desire for any R with anyone. I miss and love my old H so much. But sometimes I daydream. What if? Maybe this is a blessing, I have the chance to meet a man who gives flowers for no reason, who gives foot rubs, who will make S and I his number one priority, something I never had with H. What if? I will leave it to the man upstairs and cross that bridge when it comes.
Do you ever wonder what it would feel like, to be loved as much as we love our spouses? What an amazing thing. We are all truly special people here.
Cali - don't forget that, k?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I totally and completely get it. Here is the thing ..... your MLC'r, my MLCr' ... the old ones we are hanging on to (I am like a 4 year old grabbing mommy's leg I swear) .... they are gone, and reading all that I have read, seriously ... gone. In my case, my W was this person I trusted 120%, loyal, fun, and most of all one of those women who walked into a room and people took notice, she never got it, had no clue as to how beautiful she was. Now .... ugh ... she is not trustworthy and seems she has this "I know I am hot now give me what I want" thing that is such a turn off.
Deal is ... the old spouse is gone, they have to go through these tunnels, and then they will combine parts of who they were with who they have become .... Ironically we are doing the same metamorphosis.(Think Butterfly's here) Seems to me the LBS's come out of the cocoon much earlier than the MLC'rs, we need to fly a bit, and then when they finally hatch its going to be up to us if we want to share ourselves with them again. We have to love them enough to allow them the bake time to become whatever they are going to become, they may very well stay a gooped up bitter caterpillar ... we may never know.
As far as a new R, with someone who loves ya back ... yup I have drifted into that fantasy a bit myself .. its hard not to ... just like I said how we are angry and sad for both us and our spouse, I also wonder if we love for both too as they are not capable of it. Then I realize its been so long, I am not even sure I would know what to do with myself, I would probably vomit just out of being freaked out.... yeah .. super attractive way to get chicks.
You are doing it proper, head high, class, you have time ... at this moment we are all still healing. Stay the course.
