The awakening of me Part 3

[job]

You handled the situation very well. I just hope he remembers to watch for your kitty. Those little ones can run very quickly and are out the door before you know it.

[mleigh4]

I am really happy to hear you guys think I handled it well. I am really trying and seem to be holding on to those changes I have made in myself. Makes me even stronger when I can see the actual changes in me....

So my suspicions were correct yesterday about thinking it strange that H and buddy stopped by house to "move the jeep". They ended up going back in the house after I left. I knew because the house alarm I had set was not on, and the coffee table he asked to take, and I gave in to, was gone. Other than that, I didn't visually see anything else gone. What could it be...that they could not do or take with me there?..... I am trying to keep the mind from going, but I really hope H isn't involved with any stolen goods with this guy. But - whatever it is -- not my problem. It just makes me happier that H, and whatever it is, is out of the house.

On a happier note. I got the green light, also in talking yesterday, that his stuff is cleared out of the spare room. So whoosh!! Door opened and kept open! I opened up the window and turned on the ceiling fan to air it out. I straightened up a few last things he left, I just put it in a little pile, and vacummed the filthy floor. I decided to strip the sheets on the bed while I was at it. I go to pull them off, and they don't budge. H had ziptied the ends to the bedpost, and the bottom sheet corners were also ziptied. He also concocted some wire hooks to hold the sheets tight under the mattress. I couldn't believe I had to dig for the plyers in my house to cut off the sheets from the zipties, but ok. Then, I see he put shoes under the feet of the front of the bed post. That one I can't figure out and don't really know if I want to know....

Anyway, I must have walked in there 10 times last night just to see it empty and smile. What a good feeling..... never again.....S and I had a good mellow stress free night

[mleigh4]

Had a bit of drama tonight. H had picked up S and took him to his place tonight, then brought him here after. Says he is going to grab some things. So he gets a few backpacks and goes into "his" room. Then he heads into our office. I walked in to ask him something and he shoves something into his backpack. So I look at the desk and see our camera and video camera laid out so I asked, what are you taking in here? I said, again, we really should be doing this together. He dramatically started pulling gadgets and I honestly don't even know what 1/2 this stuff is. I don't even know where he had this stuff stashed! There was even like a computer memory board or something. What is he doing with this crap? He had a backpack full of crap.

Anyway, he got really annoyed, said he is not stealing or sneaking anything from the house. So I said, really? Then why the need to keep coming here with your buddy when I am not home? I said why don't you tell me the real reason you guys were here yesterday? Well that really set him off. He said he does not like me accusing him of things. Then he decided to take a cd holder filled with cd's and I said I think our cd's are mixed in there and he yelled that they are all his. So I said look, how would you feel if I kept coming to the house with my buddy and taking things when you were not home?? Especially a felon. I said I never treated you that way. He yelled he is helping him move things. I said, H, he is a convicted thief and I don't like him going through my house. H said this is my house too and I am really pissed that you are accusing me of stealing. So I said, look who you are hanging out with!! He said that's it, I'm outa here and slammed out.

I wanted to say don't let the door hit you in the.....but I didn't. I can't stand the in and out, stuff here and stuff there. I know it can't always be my way, I need to get a grip. But My radar keeps going off with his suspicious behavior. Was I out of line?

[mleigh4]

^^^^I can see why he would rather come to the house when I am not around, but I didn't start breathing down his neck until he started coming while I was at work.

What should I do? I don't know if there is much I can do other than hope for the best. And so far, I have not noticed anything big or of value gone. It seems to be stuff that I want even aware of..... It just makes me so uncomfortable.

I hope he can finish up this weekend so I can start moving on and relax.

[2BHappy]

M4
Are you able to change the locks? Set a date with him when everything must be gone that he wants to take and after that he cannot come to the house unless you are there?

When he does come, you must be calm and cool to avoid blow ups.

If he takes something you want or need, when you notice, ask for it back?

It would bother me a to have someone Im not comfortable with being back and forth in the house..

[job]

I'm w/Happy on this one. Give him a drop dead date for having his stuff removed from the home. What might work is ask him for a list of things he wants, have them set out in a room and then he can pick them up. This coming and going and taking things on a whim is crazy.

As for the friend being there....oh, no.....especially if he's a convicted felon who has a history of being a thief. He would not be allowed in my home when I wasn't there.

As I have suggested before, you are going to need to change the locks or the alarm code. Your h is really getting a bit nutty about constantly coming there.

[LoisB]

^^^^^^^I agree. His top seems to be spinning faster. And, now that you know a bit of where his head is at--the sheet thing is just weird--protect yourself.

In my experience, once stuff is gone...it's gone and there's no getting it back. Mainly, because you are relying on a crazy person's mood to determine if he feels like honoring any promise.

You've allowed him his time to move Leigh...One weekend and then over the period of this week if fine.

Now be the harda$$. This isn't good for you or your son to have him in and out. Use your son to justify your actions with the locks. He needs things to remain as steady and same as possible.

It really upset my D12 (Asperger's) when we came home and things were missing. It impacted her sense of safety.

Draw a line in the sand and be prepared to back it up with a call to the sheriff's dept if necessary. The sheriff's dept. or city police will be happy to help if a convicted felon is helping himself to your belongings.

[LoisB]

Here's to praying that this weekend is calm and H-less. I believe you have it in your power to make it so. He may tantrum a bit...but, he can tantrum elsewhere. He doesn't live with you anymore. His choice.

I would think that one mention of a call to the police would get him to back off. Maybe, even make the call so you have it documented that he had this convict in the house and you felt nervous enough to call the police.

He will be pi$$ed...but, if his friends are bottom feeders...then, they certainly won't want to help him move anymore. :-)

You don't need another weekend of stress.

[job]

I'd like to share a bit more of my sticky fingers xh w/you. When I began to find things missing and he was coming to the house when I wasn't home to do his laundry. Yes, I was paying the utility bills, the mortgage, etc. The only thing he walked away w/paying was is truck payment, one small TV and VCR. I changed the locks one day and two days later I had a VM left on the home phone from one of his co-workers telling him to pick up that he was ready to come down and help him move furniture out. Oh, yeah...I saw red. I called the man up and advised him to never call my home again as xh didn't live there, nor would he be able to get in to get furniture. The locks had been changed and an alarm system had been installed.

They truly do not like to come to the home when the spouse is there because they truly do not want us to see what they are removing from the home. They feel entitled and think of everything as theirs.

Bottom line, change the locks. This sticky finger business will continue until you do. It doesn't matter how many times you discuss the issue w/him, he's going to be determined to do whatever it is he needs to do. BTW, you need to remember that when you left, you were sane/rational and he's not that way right now because he's in crisis. You can't expect him to be "fair" when he's operating on emotions. You can't trust him right now.

[mleigh4]

Thank you guys!!! I thought maybe I was being unreasonable. So this is what I just TM:

"Hey, white flag. If you had let me know you had taken some time off to move things on Mon and Tue, it would not have felt so creepy. For S and I to come home and notice things gone was unsettling. The in and out and taking stuff here and there is not good for us either. And I have every right to be uncomfortable with buddy in the house. Can you please plan on having what you need by Saturday? Yes, it's your house too but you don't live here anymore. S and I deserve our calm and peace now. I would really like to treat each other with courtesy and respect, it will keep the peace. For S."

I don't expect a response, I can picture middle fingers and bad names, but Enough is enough.

Thank you again, I really appreciate your input so much.