The awakening of me Part 3

[mleigh4]

Night 3 of move out weekend:

S and I hung out most of the day. I want to make sure he is as well as possible for the school week. The day passed by with no word from H. About 4:00 he TM asking If S wanted to go to his place for a bit. We had been playing outside with the hose, giving dog a bath, so S was a little cold and I was getting him a warm bath ready. So I let H know and had S call him so they could talk. S said maybe he would go over later. I know S and that is code for no.

Some background. H has always somewhat alienated himself from us. Playing board games, playing in the backyard, going for walks, so many things over the years. H really never participated with us, always had something more important to do. So over time, S and I are super close and he and H, not so much. I know without a doubt H loves S very much and yearns to be closer with him, he just doesn't know how. To me it's simple, but H just doesn't get it and gets very annoyed if I try to talk with him about it so I shut up a while ago.

Anyhow, I actually felt bad. Pictured H home alone wanting to spend some time with S. I know, my empathy hits overdrive. And a boy needs his dad, I support it 100% So I TM H that if he needed to pick up more stuff here, I could make sure S was ready so he could take him to his place for a bit. H replied yes, that sounded good. That was at 4:00. We don't hear again from him until 6:30. He calls to ask if S wanted to go over for a bit. No joke. Didn't we already go over this??? Never mind he had said he wanted the 3 of us to go to dinner the other night. I knew, just knew, lips were a flappin. So I told him it was getting kind of late and he mentioned that maybe S wanted to stay night with him so again I put S on the phone and S told H not tonight, maybe a different night. So they decided H would pick him up from school tomorrow and have dinner, but H has an early meeting Tuesday morning so he would come back home. S said OK.

So H asked to talk to me and we went over plan. I told H we need to get a schedule in place and ease S into it as he gets used to H's new place and H agreed. I don't think it's a good idea to keep asking S if he wants to go over, that's too much for a 7 year old. I also talked to S briefly that we will get a schedule in place like we had before because it's important he spend time with his dad.

So there you have it. I survived the weekend, yay for me! H is already being MR. Flakey, but that was expected so no worries here. It's Taco Night!

[Karma12]

You are doing great! Sounds like you and S are really close.
The nice thing about living on your own is no more walking on egg shells

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
You sound like you are doing well. I can relate about how your H never wanted to be involved in the things that you and S were doing. I got the same from W the years leading up to B-day when she was entering MLC. For her she was always too tired to do anything. In the year before she left she would start saying it was time to get ready for bed earlier and earlier. Some days it started as early as 7:00 PM with her saying she was just so tired and wanted to get ready for bed and since she was sleeping in the living room on the couch, that meant everyone had go to separate rooms. It was ridiculous.

Have you thought about how you and H want to split custody? For W and I we are 50/50 with me having D15 one week, her the next. Since she moved 30 miles away and put D15 in a school across the street from her, it isn't easy on D15 or me. I swear the court shouldn't allow a S to move that far with a child if you are doing 50/50.

For what it's worth, I don't think your H is spending any nights with any "skanks", at least not yet. I have seen how they get all excited when they are first moving and I really think he is just feeling like a kid who is moving away from home for the first time. I also wouldn't expect him to remember any plans they may make like going out to dinner Sunday night. They tend to get caught up in the "new house" and forget everything else.

Be careful with the "empathy" thing. Your H's R with S is really up to him and while you may want to try and help him and S to spend time together or have a closer R, the best thing to do, IMO, is just let the two of them work things out. He will need to learn that he can't wait until 6:30 and ask S to come over. He needs to make an effort and plan time together.

You are just at the start of the new living arrangement between the 2 of you. I will tell you that it will be better once he is out and moved. Living with my W while she was in full MLC was much harder. It is much easier to detach once they are gone and you can stop the walking on egg shells and wondering what will happen next. Believe me, I've been there. Use this time apart to work on you and start being the person YOU want to be without worrying about what H thinks. You've got this!!

[mleigh4]

Hi Karma. Yes, S and I are super close. And I am enjoying the peace at home with H out.

Hi Matt. Thank you for your input. I stopped trying to help the relationship between H and S a long time ago. I agree, it's between them.

Had a good day at work. H picked up S after school and they are at his place. It's nice to have some time alone.

So I come home and there is a manilla folder on the kitchen counter. I open it and right on top are 2 magazine articles. 1 on mediation, 1 on divorce. They are dated last month. Also in the folder is H rental agreement for his place and his credit card bill. Obviously he left it here on accident. Or did he want me to see that? Is he trying to tell me something? Did his landlord give him this info, is that why it is all together? Lovely way to start my night.

So of course I want to TM him that he left his folder with is divorce information here and is he wanting to tell me something.... but let me guess.... you guys will tell me to not bring it up, right? If he has realized he left that here, he is either thinking ugh oh, or he is relieved.

Your thoughts?

[LoisB]

Personally, I would screw with him and not let on I read anything. He is taking the easy way out by tempting you to learn info he is too cowardly to give you himself.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Sorry Leigh. Whadda Dickus move.

I hope you enjoy your break from the insanity. Remember the peace of living away from crazeeee?????? ;-)

[mleigh4]

Hi Lois. I have had a few minutes to let it sink in and the same thought came to my mind. If he wants to proceed further with something, he needs to come to me with it. I won't bring it up at all. I put the envelope with his mail to take, let him wonder if I saw it or not.

I did however read the articles. I figure I deserve the same information he gets! In looking closer, it is a magazine for police officers. My FIL is an ex cop. Such love and support from the in-laws, huh? I would bet that his dad came across the articles and gave to H. It is totally something he would do. He helps H in any possible way he can, even helping him to ruin his marriage.

Some background on FIL. I love him, he has a huge heart, but he just doesn't think sometimes. He helped me move out, even let S and I borrow his spare beds. After the fact, it actually hurt. I felt like he was helping the destruction of our marriage. Then once I moved back home, he was the one to tell me to move his beds to my house because H was going to use 1 in the spare room. Like we were talking about the weather. Yep, that was how I found out H was moving to spare room. I know in his mind he is just trying to help, but in reality, he is helping the destruction. This is something he should stay out of and have no part in.

So, he may have given this to H, possibly just for info. It doesn't mean he and H talked about it and it doesn't mean H asked for it.
And if H DID leave it out on purpose, oh well. Not getting off that easy


I will let it go. It's not like I don't know this is floating around us anyway, it just really took me for surprise. It hasn't come up in months, so I figured it was on the back burner.

On to enjoying my first night alone in a really long time.

[mleigh4]

Job - you called it. H is starting to grab stuff when I am not home. He cleared off a dresser today and took a candle holder that I can swear was a gift to me long before him. So I mentioned that and he got real defensive, said it was a gift to him. I told him ok, if he is sure, but I don't know.....

I am getting uncomfortable with him taking stuff when I am away. It's getting sneaky.

I also notice a definite change in attitude. He seems a little colder with a bit of an attitude. Got a little snippy when I asked if he could move his jeep so I could have my spot in the garage that I have parked in for 12 years and he took over with his dumb jeep weeks ago. Was only supposed to be for the night. I would move the dang thing myself if I knew how to drive a stick. My spot is convenient to load up my truck in the morning for work and school. Not trying to be difficult.

I wonder if he doesn't like my redecorating, filling up his empty spots? I know it hurt me a lot when I moved out, but come on! This is his choice. Or could be just that he is withdrawing now. Not sure.

Each time he leaves, he goes with paper bags of things at a time. He really doesn't know what he is doing. This whole moving thing has got him frazzled. This will take weeks at this rate!

Ok done venting. Thanks for letting me

[mleigh4]

Job, you had mentioned that MLC'rs are in a real fragile state. Do you think I am moving too fast, filling up and replacing things where he left a void, or moving things? For example, he had 2 shower gels in the shower, I had noticed he took 1 and left the other, a gift from me by the way. So I put it away in the cupboard. Well now it is gone. He either looked for it or came across it, but I feel bad that he knows I stashed it right away.

Should I slow down on doing stuff like that? I am doing it for me, I don't want his stuff all around me right now. But I also am not looking to hurt him or make anything worse....The reason I ask is that I am seeing a real change in attitude and behavior the last couple of days...

Your thoughts?

[job]

You need to really look around your home because there will be more missing than you think. They come in and take whatever is in sight. There is no rhyme or reason for what they take. I know someone, from this forum, that had a little boy and he had a cut little table and chair he used as a desk in his room. Guess what! He took the chair. Now, keep in mind, he couldn't sit on it w/o breaking it because it was a child's chair.

JeanS who use to post here came home one day and found the steps to the shed gone. They did reconcile a few years later, but the steps never returned.

My xh came by one day and took hand lotion that I had just purchased. I sent him an email and advised him that I didn't appreciate him taking the lotion when I had just purchased it and would like to have it back. That in the future, you ask, you don't take things. Sure enough, the lotion was on my porch the next day.

To answer your question about moving things around...you are fine. It's your home while he's out to lunch.

Yes, you will see changes in his behavior from now until his crisis is over. You didn't see them the last time because he wasn't the one leaving the nest. He is changing into the bratty kid who feel entitled.

Please be sure you put any valuables that you treasure in a locked place for a while. Also, don't leave money lying around. Some of these guys will take anything and everything. Don't be surprised if food starts disappearing. I had that happen too. You can't trust them.

[CaliGuy]

Mleigh

Ughh .... hang in there the roller coaster is gonna get bumpy. Not that you can pinpoint the MLC and where their mind is .. but the trends are just crazy. Seems your H is wrestling with the guilt and guess what ... its easier to get upset at you and make this all your fault justifying why they must go through all this trouble of moving out .... certainly its not because they have lost it ... has to be you right??

Yeah .. lock down your valuables and now would be a good time to start with some boundaries IMHO.