MLC = my last chance

[AmyL]

Gwen,
Another possibility is that the MLC is running its course and the internal turmoil/confusion is starting to settle down. If we believe that MLC is a developmental stage much like adolescence, then as time goes on, that person's perceptions and thinking will likely change as they pass through this phase. Hopefully, by that point, the MLCer will be able to look back and realize that it is the loving relationships with those closest to you (spouse and family) and experiencing life together with those people that is the key to happiness and contentment.
What your H decides to do is not under your control, but I think that if you are open to having him back in your life in the future, it was a good idea to give him the hint that possibility was there. I think we get to a point in our situations where we are afraid to have too many feelings because we've had so many disappointments. Good luck

[AmyL]

M:48 H:49 M:16 years
D13, D15

[daring]

123Gwen- I think what you are feeling is completely normal and part of the process. You will continue to cycle through. For me I found my peaceful times came after intense emotional turmoil. I've decided it's how detachment must occur, little pieces at a time. Hope the sense of contentment for now gives you some rest and time to recharge.

[123Gwen]

Thanks everyone. My friends think it is nuts that I told him I forgive him. I haven't forgotten and the consequences of his choices have still hurt me deeply but I feel like one year should not define a relationship that was loving and solid for over two decades. I keep struggling with the entire concept of forgiveness. It means different things to different people. One friend said I was giving him a "hall pass" and yet I think he is suffering more than I am.

MLC is a label that implies "hall pass" for bad behavior. On some level husband knew what he was choosing. I just believe he had no real idea of the fall out. Now he does and if I don't offer him a sliver of a chance to at least have an amicable relationship then I am just as selfish as H and the OW. I want to save my marriage but regardless of the future I will not destroy the man I married. I couldn't live with myself. I am not trying to be a martyr but merely trying to find some grace.

[job]

Gwen,
I do not think you are nuts to forgive your h. No, you aren't giving him a hall pass, but what you are doing is showing compassion for someone who has made some bad choices in his life right now. He's already a broken man and if and when he wakes up, he will realize just what he's done and he's going to have to live w/that the rest of his life.

By forgiving him, you will be able to live far better w/yourself because you will not become a bitter woman and will walk the road of life w/grace.

[BklynMom]

You are not crazy for forgiving. Forgiving is the fast track to healing.

Our society breeds these "real housewife" mentalities that are dead end streets. Read some Oprah.com or maria shrivers web site.

You don't need to debate your friends but you should tune them out.

Forgiveness is the key to happiness

[123Gwen]

So a few days ago I was all about the forgiveness track and now I am riding the rollercoaster of loneliness and isolation. Not feeling worthy and marinating in sadness.

My head just can't rationalize his behavior. Most days I can recite the whole "it isn't about me" but not today. I can't do it today.

People deal with far worse tragedies but this grief is like a cloud over my heart. Living in the land of in between is exhausting.

[job]

Gwen,
You are going to have good and bad days and you have to be kind to yourself. You are still grieving for your "old" marriage. You are going to go through periods of sadness and not feeling very worthy, but you need to allow that pain to wash over you and then let it go. After each time you go through this type of "cycle" the period of time will begin to shorten until one day, you will wake up and realize that the sun is shining and the world is waiting for you to come out to play.

I do understand why you can't rationalize his behavior. His behavior truly isn't rational because everything he does or says is based on emotion. When people are emotional, you have to sit back and allow those emotions to play out before you can even get a word in edgewise. Their perception of the world isn't the same as ours right now.

Gwen, feel the pain and then let it go. I know your heart is conflicted and the cloud is hanging over it. Be kind to yourself. Do something extra special for yourself. Take it one second, one minute and then one hour at a time until you feel stronger.

[Gerda]

I'm with Job! (Always, Job writes the most encouraging things!) I often have days like that, where it's just unbearable or I can't stop thinking about that OW thinking about MY husband as if he were hers to think about, etc., even though right now that alien person is not my true husband. The thing is, those days come and go. Sometimes the day is the darkest thing you can imagine and other days you are thankful. Just keep trying to bring thoughts of thankfulness into your head. I think of all the ways my situation could be even worse, and that helps. I try to think of being thankful for what my situation ISN'T, instead of crying over what it is. But also I cry my head off. I go to my church, which is always open and is down the block, and cry my head off, at least once a day and then I pray for a while until I get some strength restored, and then I put one foot in front of the other again.

[LoisB]

Gwen,

Down days are all a part of the process. You will get through them and be better than ever before in the end.

One thing that helps me...focusing on the things I DON'T miss about my spouse.

-His impatience and moodiness
-His limited way of looking at opportunities
-His lethargy
-His ability to ruin a really great day or holiday with his Debbie Downer attitude
-His control-freakiness
-His negativity

You get the idea. Focus on what things you Don't miss and you begin to see some blessings in his leaving. The grief you feel will pass...I PROMISE...and, you will begin to see that he is only human with some very troubling issues.

We went for a day trip to Lake Placid a few weeks back. On the way home, the tire pressure light came on. I stopped and put some air in the tires. Well, it was 0 degrees out and I dropped the cap to the air thingy. It's freezing. FREEZING. My D20 got out and helped me find the cap. It took a bit, but we found it.

When we got back in the car, she said, "It's times like these that I'm really glad dad isn't here. We had this great day and...had he been here for the "Cap Crisis," he would have probably ruined the memory for everyone. He would have gotten all pi$$y and angry and mean and belittling. We would, forever, remember this trip as the one where we lost the cap on the airy thingy."

As it happens, we have a great memory of a day in Lake Placid...there's only a blip of a memory about the tire. :-)

You will get there...but you gotta get through first.