Old dog seeks new trick 7

[Old Dog]

RP. Do you think that was a good thing to do in the end. To be fair, she hasn't thrown anthing in my face untilnow and even than it was me that asked so what's going on? Its just a matter of her thinking she's being courteous by letting me know she'll be out.

I've just ben going through the family iPad deleting all my passwords, logins etc and found her new one ha ha :-)

[Old Dog]

THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME

[SunnyB]

RP. Do you think that was a good thing to do in the end. To be fair, she hasn't thrown anthing in my face untilnow and even than it was me that asked so what's going on? Its just a matter of her thinking she's being courteous by letting me know she'll be out.

OD, I don't know if the way I handled it was good for anyone else, but it saved my sanity. Very early on I realized that if I were to have any hope of forgiving my H for what he was doing, I could not allow certain things in my brain. The more I know, the more I have to forgive. I wasn't trying to pretend it didn't exist, and I know that if we ever do R we'll have to deal with it, but until then I'm trying not to destroy the feelings I have remaining for him.

The other part is that I truly, with all my heart, down to the bottom of my soul, wanted to protect my kids. I would have cut off my right arm to not have them know. And so I did certain things to make it all seem normal, trying to wait it out until H came to his senses. Didn't work, but I tried.

You'll have to decide what's best for you. If you both see it as her being courteous and letting you know her plans, even if those plans are with OM, then that's what you should do. I wouldn't have viewed that as courtesy, myself. For me, that would have been a deal-breaker.

[Maybell]

Just for balance, although I don't want my kids to know either... I've spoken to a lot of adult friends whose parents went through this. They agree that the worst was not knowing what was going on. They attached to the more attentive parent, regardless of who was "wrong". They wanted the opportunity to discuss with a parent rather than a therapist (though sometimes therapists were helpful with dealing with known information).

My D11 is not a straightforward person. I think she suspects what her dad has been up to. She mentions things from time to time -- like how much he texts when the kids are with him. Given that he has always been a pretty heavy phone guy, it must be a lot for her to bring it up specifically. But she's not asking me a question (which I couldn't answer even if she were) so there's no way for us to discuss.

Food for thought.

I stand by my opinion that the "unconventional" living arrangement is abusive, and that there is a reason it's unconventional.

My two cents.

[Old Dog]

Up to now I've also been hoping against hope she would come to her senses and have treid my very best to always stay postive and upbeat after the initial shock.

I think we have protected the kids pretty well as I think they are blissfully unaware of the severity of the situation. they both seem pretty happy and have never broached the subject once, with me anyway.

When she went on her first date two weeks ago, DB coach Chuck said that was an opportunity missed to thank her for letting me know so I didn't just 'find out'. I made a point of thanking her the net weekend instead. I guess this is just a continuation no matter how hard it sticks in my craw. She may not do it again though as I didn't exactly react to well ... again. Sigh.

I'm really stuck with wanting to get out and save myself from this torture and doing the best thing for my kids and maybe even my marriage who knows: although then again, the best thing for my marriage may be to leave. Aaaaaaargh!

We also have the added complication in that S15 is going to need a lot of support this year as he has to undergo severe surgery. He's going in for final tests on Monday. We need to be there for him.

[SunnyB]

Just for balance, although I don't want my kids to know either... I've spoken to a lot of adult friends whose parents went through this. They agree that the worst was not knowing what was going on. They attached to the more attentive parent, regardless of who was "wrong". They wanted the opportunity to discuss with a parent rather than a therapist (though sometimes therapists were helpful with dealing with known information).

Let me clarify. I didn't want my kids to know that anything was wrong as long as H stayed in the house and acted like a semi-attentive H. After we told them, we have been very honest with them. D16 was the one who asked H straight out if he was seeing someone, and to his credit he admitted it. And that was said in front of all the kids, so they have all known that from the beginning. They know they can ask me things and I'll tell them real answers. There are some things I feel aren't appropriate to talk about, and I won't bad-mouth their dad, but I'm not hiding anything these days.

Edited to say: sorry about your son, OD.

[Old Dog]

We've always answered thm straight as well, but as for volunteering information? 'Oh by the way, your mother is going out with another man'. I really don't know. They have a right to know this sort of thing but I have to protect them from it too. S12 is only er ... 12.

Re S15: thanks RP. He's got curvature of the spine but he's going to the best hospital in the country for it.

[raliced]

Old Dog-

I would just repeat that I think you need to find something that works better for you except that I recognize you have a serious complication in your situation due to your son's health and imminent surgery.

I should point out that I doubt your wife is a stupid woman - and she must have known this would have upset you. Doing this right now, with everything going on with your son is just selfish.

You do need to figure out how to really detach emotionally Old Dog - for the sake of your own health.

[Sotto]

Hi OD, I'm sorry to hear that your S will need to have an op - but good that he'll be going to the very best place for it. Do you have an idea of how soon it will happen? I agree that you'll need to be a united front for him - but how that united front happens is up to you.

There's a lot for you to think about, and you'll decide on the best way forward for you when you're ready. Just on this whole 'courteous' debate. I can see the case for thanking your S for their honesty about something. I did that with my H when he answered my questions about his A (pre-DB.)

However, alongside that is boundaries. We shouldn't confuse thanking someone for their courtesy in being honest to us and tolerating a marital situation where your W sets off for a date with OP leaving you to look after the household..

[Old Dog]

And just in time for her birthday ... on Valentine's Day too. Saturday, let's see how that pan out. Happy birthday's all round until the evening when ****s off to her new man. And she dresses it up saying we're in transition. Yeah that's right you cheating ****, transition. It makes me mad.

Just took the kids to a local bar to have some food and it was all I could do to stem the flow. I had to dab my eyes a couple of times but to show you have far removed the boys are, S15 asked if my cold was still affecting me. They didn't ask where their mum was or why she wasn't with us. Maybe they've just accepted that this is the way it is and if I'm OK with it, then they are. The tears wouldn't stop when I got home,but the boys have goe up to play computer games now.

And yes, I do think she is utterly selfish, and it one of the things I keep muttering.

I've been thinking recently that I will have to go, for my own sanity and the feeling is getting stronger daily. What do I come back here for? I did come back for two reasons, one, for the boys and two to show WAW how I'm coping with this and working on myself.

Obviously she doesn't give a flying one, as she says there is nothing we can do to save our marriage. So I might as well go and arrange to see the boys at agreed times during weekends.