Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[Barry]

Regarding ^^ this Mozza, totally agree with you there.

One time early last year, when my W was starting the "new job, independance, weight loss, tattoo, new car" phase, we had a small argument one day that spiralled. I suggested to her that maybe she was having a MLC, or that maybe she was peri-menopausal...which I'd read about on another forum as a possible reason to her reactions toward me and actions at the time. There was a book on that I looked at, which I suggested to her more because it was an interesting read, but also because there was so much that fitted with her behaviour...

This conversation did not go down well with W!

She did not read the book.

Barry.

[Old Dog]

There's aso a NMMNG forum on which there is move afoot to set up a peer support group for European readers.

[gan]

Mozza, Barry - yes, I understand re not pushing it on my H. He surprised me at the last meet up though. When I said the range of things I was doing to find my way through this (including books) he said "maybe you can send me the details of the book later". Not sure if that was a sincere request or not but I followed through and left it there.

[Dawn70]

Just popping in to say hello and let you know I am still reading and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I was out of town last week and just now getting around to catching up and commenting. I know your sitch changed recently and just wanted to say I'm sending positive vibes your way.

[jim0987]

So i've had just under 2 weeks of actual seperation now and although its not been zero contact its been very low contact.

since dropping the kids of at nursery on thursday I had a brief logistics text message exchange on sunday about the kids swimming then saw my wife for two short handovers. her messages seemed cold, I'm still trying to be pleasant and friendly (like saying good morning) but i take mozza's point.

I did get two hours or so with S1 on sunday and it was brilliant - he was in a great little mood and just wanted to play (and he gives the best hugs). I only saw D3 for a couple of minutes but got lovely hugs and kisses from her as well.

At the handover she was very brief and when i dropped S1 she was keen to get rid of me. the sum total of what she said to me was 'here is D3's Swimming stuff' and 'D3 come say goodbye to Daddy' and a couple of other comments which roughly translated as 'please leave now'

Her mum was up staying with my W but didnt say anything or acknowledge I was there at first until I stuck my head round the corner and said hello and wished her well for her upcoming operation.

So not much interaction but if anything I would say she seems even more angry (at me?) than she did before. All the non-verbals suggested this and the verbals seemed desperate for me to go. I was there maybe 5 minutes max. most of which was having a quick cuddle and chat with D3.

On non W related front, my exercise plans are still dented due to not yet healed foot issues but I am doing Yoga everyday (15 to 20 mins). Also using the Headspace app most days which i find very calming for my mind even if i'm not present in the moment enough yet

I assembled my new lounge furniture and bought some lamps to make my lounge feel nice and homely and overall the house is coming along. I'm going to pick up some blank canvases on my way home so that i can do hand and footprints with the kids on wednesday.

little bits of sorting here and there and slowly i'm getting organised into my new living arrangements though i did get lazy and just spent yesterday afternoon on my xbox.

I've also done a whole bunch of home cooking so my freezer is filled with portions of stuff thats all delicious. Finances are substantially tighter than they were so need to get a bit more savvy with my shopping habits - its more about restoring old habits though than learning new ones.

So all in all i'm doing pretty good. Its just, as ganb8te said on her thread, i missing someone to share life's adventures with.

The question of the day though is should i be no contact (except emergencies and logistics) or should i try to keep a warm channel of communication with my W open as in friendly texts and nice messages about what the kids have been doing?

Its worth saying I've no idea whats happening with OM1 but i got the sense over christmas that had cooled somewhat (on his end again)

[edz]

So all in all i'm doing pretty good. Its just, as ganb8te said on her thread, i missing someone to share life's adventures with.

Well you know Im with you on that one. Still as Ive been told best to get the cake baked properly then worry about the icing (mmmm icing)

Youre pretty up to date with my sitch mate. I'd advice keeping the lines of communication open, immediately jump on any texts re kids and keep w in the loop on anything relating to them asap, keep links (e.g. if you are friends on fb but dont get too wound up in that - it can drive you nuts) and if theres an opportunity stay warm and validate. In your case there is (may still be - sounds like there may be room for doubt?) Om so that does put a different slant on it.

Sounds like you're doing really well mate, make that space your own with the kids and create an atmosphere you can relax in and create a routine, I found that helped immensely early on having long "dead" time is when i started to slump.

[Sotto]

Jim - another fan here....I also think you're doing so well. Bearing in mind it is only a couple of weeks since your S, you've really made lots of progress - and lots of positive stuff underway.

In respect of your W, I agree it's helpful to keep channels open. Be the man you want to be going forwards in your communications with her. At the moment, your R is about good co-parenting - and you can liaise with your W in a helpful and positive way. If she responds with something pleasant, or initiates something nice, you can respond in kind.

But I wouldn't be OTT with the 'chirpy' contact, and if your W seems to be getting annoyed, you can always pull back to minimal, but helpful & pleasant.

Sounds great with the cooking. When I was at M&Ds, and looking forward to a place of my own, that was one of the things I was looking forward to...and as you say, great for the budget!

[jim0987]

Morning All (GMT anyway)

So i just want to run this past you guys in case I am being over the top with my chirpyness

So last night I had two texts from her (back to back) which were all very business like (I read them as cold but they were just functional)

basically it was (minus a bit of extra detail

You need to cancel XXXX, I dont have the details, I've paid XXXX up to 20th. You'll need to sort it out after that as I dont have a number anymore. I'll forward you the number for XXXXX, You need to contact XXXX and either cancel or move membership. Its still showing on the joint account.

I responded (about 3hrs later)

Hey. No worries, I'll take care of it. If you think of anything else let me know. Hope you and the kids are good.

the other messages I've continued to use the odd phrasing and silly names for things that we always used when we were together. Its tiny interactions and really nothing but these are now the scraps i have to work with and i'd like to get this phase right from the outset

On other things i think given some of the conversations that have gone on recently around here i found myself asking the question about dating and whether its something i want to start thinking about. A phrase i've heard a couple of times that has been rattling around my head is that 'the best way to move on is to move on'. got mixed feelings on all this

[edz]

Hi mate

Sounds cliche (and in our "rebuild" sitches ridiculously oversimplified as whos that?) but be yourself and dont overanalyse. I'd say something like "No problems will do. Give the kids a hug from me.". I known what you mean about the odd word here and there, personally it depends on my mood, if im in one of my "ed" moods (you know the ones from my threads!) then I may write something silly because everyone is getting something that day but not based on pet names or our relationship.

W suprised me the other day by talking about at least 6 points from our past when we had a lot of fun or when we met. Was happy about that but didnt overreact as it meant it was running through her mind at least and I wasnt just the devil incarnate but when she walked out initially and i tried that (pre-db) I would get emails and letters on why everything was my fault.

It's a fine line the UN would be proud to walk correctly at times!

Dating, mmm.

I think quite a bit of that chat is going on in my thread matey. My own thinking in *my* sitch is no, at least not yet.

That's not because I have hopes that w will sweep back to me next week or because I don't want someone in my life, if I'm honest I do, it's because I'm not in a position to be completely open to a new person without knowing if I'd want to run back if w did come back into the picture.

If its a light friendship (or a serious friendship) thats fine but anything more wouldnt be fair to my sensibilities insofar as another persons feelings - if that makes sense.

I also need to know that Im beyond codependency and my 180s (for me) are completely embedded and part of me as I dont want to repeat the mistakes (on my side) that got me here if I head into a new relationship.

I dont know if I will be ready tomorrow, next week, next month or in a years time I just know, not today

[gan]

Hey Jim,

Sounds like you're doing well! Good for you.

In regards to the text reply - pretty good I think. I like Edz' alternate version, too.

I think my reasons for holding back on dating are similar to Edz'. My door is still wide open to H so dating is problematic on 2 levels: (1) It wouldn't be fair to the other person, and (2) it would be that much more confusing for my poor little head if H were to want back in. I do think that I can do the work to get me over these hurdles but for now I am holding off. This logical self is fighting against my emotional self that deeply misses connection and affection though.