Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[Ggrass]

I say this again jim, but my h thought one of my mates was a poisoned friend.

Who had r issues, nothing can be further from the truth in my case. Perhaps her friend is batting for the m, hence your wife becomes more negative after a session with her.

Self justification baiting to make you the bad guy?
That explaination fits too!

H was/is and always will be paranoid to a huge degree.

[jim0987]

unfortunately when I was still able to see messages I saw more than enough to know that they most definitely werent batting for the marriage. Both SIL and PF were encouraging pursuit of OM1 within 10 days of BD.

[jim0987]

Oh yes and SIL has repeatedly suggested my W gets the police involved

[Mozza]

I had cold and business like email about money from her late tuesday (to my work email after i'd left so didnt get it til this morning). zero warmth just 'the bill is XXXXX so you need to give me XXXXX'

For the record, that's how I communicate with my W about finances, yet you know how much I yearn for her. It means nothing, but that she's trying to deal with the finances. I would be annoyed by chatty emails in return. It's like using the business channel to tell jokes. The chatty stuff belongs elsewhere (including later in time).

I'm reading NMMNG, thinking of you and how it was very revealing to you. I'm not halfway through yet, but I'll post a reaction once I'm done, likely next week. May I ask if you've done the exercises? Have you changed something in real life?

[jim0987]

I have no idea whether she is annoyed by me being chatty, given what she has said before i suspect she is, at the same time i want to end the feeling i've had for a long time (since well before BD) that i have to walk on eggshells. I probably didnt but i felt like it and it was my conflict avoidance.

I guess i think that no matter what i say or do she will get angry - it seemed that way for the last few months. Since she will interpret whatever I say or do however she chooses to, I felt it was better to go with the approach that thinking back i would rather have had.

Dont know, maybe I have this all wrong....


As for NMMNG. It was really revealing to me and i'm glad i read it. I heard of it a few years ago but for some stupid reason over the title i didnt read it (felt i was too nice and didnt want to be not nice). wish i had. It does make an uncomfortable read for me though - especially as of late i've been having a lot of 'I wasnt that bad' thoughts and NMMNG takes me straight back with a solid 'yes you were' (the bits on the victim triangle and enmeshing nice guys particularly)

As for the exercises some of them like the thought based ones I've done the others i've more tried to incorporate into my DB plan. A few are a bit more tricky as they would involve a R conversation with my XW.

In terms of changes then they are a work in progress and at the moment about the way i view things or express things. trying to ditch expectations, trying to see the positives and be grateful, trying to express my feelings rather than my thoughts. I wouldnt say any of this have stuck permenantly yet though

[gan]

Jim, seems you aren't alone on the title. First review on Amazon says "No More Mr. Nice Guy is a GREAT book However, the title is misleading, the purpose of the book is to boost confidence and help men reclaim power in their lives, it does not make men jerks."

Jim, Mozza - if you are keeping track of Zelda and Calibri's threads you will see the people pleasing thing comes up a bit (and I suspect it weighs in on my sitch too). Do you think it would be a useful book for us ladies to read? e.g. would it help us do things differently so that H might behave differently in response? Would it be a good read for a WAH? (not saying I'll give it to him, just maybe make the recommendation if the moment came up)

[edz]

Hi G

I read that (and anything else I could scoop up) last august. The principles are helpful, I've always had no issues with commitment (the opposite in fact) but huge issues with confrontation which slots me into this category.

Its an interesting read and did partially inform some 180s in my behaviour and conversations with w as we are now during trying to stand/db.

During my M I dont think it would have made that much difference as the one thing I absolutely know is pushing at my w gets nowhere...fast.

I already knew that standing firm works (eventually so pick those battles wisely as you'll be waiting a loooong time) but attempting to push for a specific goal when shes decided otherwise, nope, think wildcat in a corner w would just go through me first (I know she tried at least twice).

The information on responding differently could prove useful, especially if the person in question is "open" to looking at how they're truly behaving otherwise its very easy to just say nah im not doing that.

[jim0987]

Ganb8te, Personally I think yes it would but then i'm as interested in trying to figure out what has been going on in my W's head as I am in mine (more success with mine but thats not perfect)

Although its written gender specifically i think a lot of the ideas (covert contracts as an example) are gender neutral. I would be hestitant to read it from the perspective of trying to 'diagnose' our WAS' but i think there is a lot that can be taken from it both in terms of increasing our understanding and by looking to say 'Do i do that?'

[edz]

but i think there is a lot that can be taken from it both in terms of increasing our understanding and by looking to say 'Do i do that?'

This.

The open mind then says ok, is that right and if not what can I do differently where the book is useful. If not you get the Nah not me.

[Mozza]

Do you think it would be a useful book for us ladies to read? e.g. would it help us do things differently so that H might behave differently in response? Would it be a good read for a WAH? (not saying I'll give it to him, just maybe make the recommendation if the moment came up)

Yes, it could be an interesting read for you, if you feel that your H might have been a people pleaser. I have also been thinking of my W's behavior as I read the book, noting that certain things also apply to her. I would not however recommend it to your H until you're deep into piecing. How would you feel if he recommended a book to you that would help explain your behavior?