Avoiding the Darkside ... Tales of the Jedi

[mleigh4]

Just commenting on your posts about MLC. Many in my life seem to have no idea just how real MLC is. In the beginning, when I would cry MLC, I would get that pity look of poor Mleigh, looking for something to explain the simple fact that H has fallen out of love with her. Sometimes I myself have wondered, could it be that simple? But, so many don't see the day to day spin we see in our spouses. The change in their eyes, the change in friends, the change towards their own children, the change in spending and material things.... It's when I look at the whole enchilada, that I see this is much deeper than marriage problems. There is more going on here.

I too wonder how many marriages go through this without having the knowledge and support we do? I think it includes all of those divorced people who have told me, they regretted their decision to D, that they wish they had tried harder. I hear it over and over. Without this group, I believe I may have given up by now. I don't know for sure. but I do know this group has given many of us our strength and courage to approach our situations with the utmost goal of coming out of it as better people. For ourselves and our children. We learn to step back and honor our spouse and marriage by giving them the space they so need.

I feel so blessed to have found this comfort zone, for all of us. Hugs!!

[CaliGuy]

Just commenting on your posts about MLC. Many in my life seem to have no idea just how real MLC is. In the beginning, when I would cry MLC, I would get that pity look of poor Mleigh, looking for something to explain the simple fact that H has fallen out of love with her. Sometimes I myself have wondered, could it be that simple? But, so many don't see the day to day spin we see in our spouses. The change in their eyes, the change in friends, the change towards their own children, the change in spending and material things.... It's when I look at the whole enchilada, that I see this is much deeper than marriage problems. There is more going on here.

Thats the thing right there^^ We LBS of the MLC variety are in a tough spot ... not only did the aliens take our spouse ... we can only pick and chose things we can talk about.

In my sitch ....
John-"Hey Cali hows it going with the wife?"
Me "Oh ... pretty rough, she emptied the bank account,moved out into a condo and took everything with her ... is in deep love with her boyfriend, and tells me how much she hates me but I am standing here being the lighthouse"
John-" WTF is wrong with you?"...walks away.

Ok ... I laughed anyways.
Yeah ... I know this is not a widespread deal, only a small percentage (I pray) go through this .. most likely even smaller know about the true MLC ... I mean can you imagine before the internet what people went through?? We have the gift of information, its not a magic bullet in the sense it fixes our WAS ... but it does help us know we are not alone, we have support, and the hidden trick is working on ourselves to come out of this stronger and better than ever.

I've spent all morning getting my paperwork all scanned .. .its set and ready to go. If this is the next step in the process ... so be it I am ready. Its crazy, I actually like having control of my money, I was terrified of this after BD thinking I would never make it. Turns out ... Knowing what I need vs what I want .. I don't want as much anymore, and the irony is God has blessed me with this new job that I am making more. The things I will splurge on now ... its stuff S and I do .. like the Monster Trucks this weekend (Whopping $15/ticket), not a new gadget or some frivolous thing. I am really digging the new CaliGuy and where he is headed.

[mleigh4]

You gave me a good laugh. Yes, we have to be careful what we say to people. When we break down the reality of our switch, people look at us like, are you crazy? You put up with this why?

You sound good Cali. You have lots of us here rooting you on. You are handling things with dignity and class. Be proud of yourself.

[uRworthy]

Ok, Luke, that made me laugh out loud. My sense of humor takes me a long way in life. If you have ever heard any of my stories when dealing with my MLCer (who by the way, still is the reining champ of craziest MLCer - of which I am so proud. LOL), you would know that I have a really good one.

Yep, praying for you, rooting you on and waiting on the other side with the bacon and coffee...

[AJM]

Wait, reining champ?? I mean, he's a good one, but champ? I don't talk much about mine, but I *think* I could give you a run for the money... (as could many here)

Never mind, it's yours for the taking, uR

I am really digging the new CaliGuy and where he is headed.

Same here. More importantly, so is your son and heck, let's be honest, so is anyone you come into contact with to be sure.

And yeah, nobody would believe the junk of an MLCr or the amount of time it goes on. I got tired of talking about it after a while and that surprised me. Few of the people I interact with get it. Only two people I know do. The rest? They flat out don't get it. And the people here of course. It's an elite club to be sure.

Sadly, it seems the ones that have it the worst are the kids That's why we're at the ones to help them. The LBS has that honor.

Is what it is and I wouldn't change a thing.

AJ

[uRworthy]

You're right, AJ. Many here could give my MLCer a run for his money...Ok, yours can have the title. I'm a giver that way.

Enjoy! LOL!

[Jer2911]

Ok -- if I could reveal ALL of the details here of what my MLCer is doing right now (exactly how far she traveled for this "silent retreat" trip) -- I might be able to give you all a run for your money on craziness! The few people who I have told the truth to have literally laughed out loud and said "Are you serious?! She went where?!" Fortunately -- whether it's the Grace of God helping me or the medication -- I am able to laugh about it as well because it's so freaking absurd.

But back to another point made by CaliGuy here and on my thread...

When we become aware of what this is and what it is doing to our spouse, we have the opportunity to make some lemonade out of some very sour lemons... We can become better, stronger, happier versions of ourselves. We can become better parents. We can become better friends. We can become better spouses/partners -- either for our MLCer if/when they come out of this or for someone else in the future. We don't have to let this defeat us -- although, in the first days after BD many of us do feel as if our world is being ripped apart... especially for those of us who thought we had a really solid, happy marriage. I too am amazed at what I have endured over the past 3 months... I know there is a long road ahead, but I am determined to not let this kill me. I am leaning on God now more than I have in my entire adult life -- and it feels REALLY good. It feels right.

There is a great song by Christina Perri called "I Believe" and at the end of the song there is a line that she repeats that I love so much right now -- because this is how I feel: "This is not the end of me. This is the beginning."

[CaliGuy]

Lol ... part of me wants to write a few of the "Epic" moments down .. but then its kinda sad and mean to do so ... but there are times you do have to laugh at a few of the things they do just to stop from getting furious.

So yesterday I TM W telling her I need a copy of our tax returns (One of the items on the Mediation list to provide) She says she does not know where it is .... that I need to contact our accountant .... I thinhk .. ok no problem. Then I am thinking .. is she going through with the mediation or not .. did she pay for it already, I really have no idea what is going on and I smirk .. I have not had a clue with her and MLC'ville since I woke up and realized I inwillingly moved there with her.

So I contact Scott (accountant) and let him know I need a copy, he asks for my addy .. no problem its on its way .. he goes as far to wish me well and good luck. He is her family's acct and from what W said will not be doing my taxes to avoid conflict .. I understand that .. and all good there.

I pick up S and on the way home I get an email from the Mediator .. wanting to schedule the appointments. There are 3 total from what I see. First we both have our own independent one on one meeting ... then the first joint meeting ... and I assume a final meeting that is TBD. Ironically she gives me 2 dates ... first is S B'day (Ummmm yeah ... not going to do that on his birthday tyvm) second is Feb 12th with our joint being sometime on the 16th ... I told her my time on the 12th and said anytime on the 16th which puts the ball in W's court.

Being stubborn I chose to not let it mess with me and S's night .. we went out for dinner, had his favorite dish .. home and watched our shows together. W TM to have him call a bit later as she was jumping in the shower "buring up" .... this has been a health issue for her for some time, ironically one of the catalysts for her leaving (So she said) as I added to the stress causing these issues .... so I imagine the D stress is setting in .. and by the looks of her this morning I dont think I am far off .... she looks stressed.

I got to work, changed my lifeinsurance stuff to draw from my account vs the joint, called on the car insurance that will not be up for review till May, took a delivery out ... and used that chance to stop off at the container I rented out during BD to assess what I had in there (less than I thought/imagined) and to pull out my tools (I can keep those here at the plant) and I pulled out some yard equipment and a lawn mower that I sold to the girl in the office.

All in all ... I am good. My ducks are staying obedient and keeping themselves in a row. I have noticed some emotions that I know I just need to process ... sad/andger/bitter ... not bad but I still need to get through them, I caugh myself saying something to S and thought ... wow .. ok I need to watch that. Self aware, I refuse to get through this anything less than dignified. I know Hurricane Spew is coming, she will not like the settlement agreement, and view me even more as the obstacle in her path.

I think of how adamant she was about trying to get me to believe she is alone (no OM) ... but I know better, I think she may have even told him to cool it so she can get through this, the guilt must be eating at her .. the real her anyways if there is any of that left inside. Just observation/Speculation and ramblings ... have to let it out here ... as I would never share this with anyone.

Finish my lunch and shop for the Apt some more... S and I were talking about it last night, I am not sure who is more excited about it. Its "Our" place I told him, he has started a list of the dinners he wants there, and told me he will wait till we move there and its just us. Kid kills me.

[uRworthy]

Yea, Luke, those feelings come back around and through for some time. You wouldnt be human if you didnt have them..

Otherwise, you sound great, my friend. Seems like son is doing well, too. Speaks volumes about you that he is.

And yea, watch those comments...thats still his mommy. He will appreciate it in the years to come. Trust me on that.

[AJM]

I agree, Cali. You sound good and you sound like you're taking care of business. Having it in your mind that you'll get through with dignity and grace? Priceless! I can honestly say that's the right approach, but don't forget you'll be tested along the way

uR's right - the feelings come and go. You have tooled up and learned how to deal with them better. Ninja ranking They still come and go as you are ready to deal with them (like it or not) and will for a quite some time. But they won't stay long, amigo.

uR - no thanks. I abdicate that and it's all yours. Was just pointing out the similarities in various situations. Don't want people feeling alone in their journey

One thing Cali. Keep an eye on what you're sharing with son. I know you know, but wanted to stress how important that is and will continue to be. His mom is oscillating all over the place trying to keep a lid on things. He needs a parent that's engaged and there for him. He will for his life. It shows him how to be a man in this world and a man of God. What he sees from you is important, yeah?

AJ