Sadie - Hot and Cold

[Sadie13]

Hi everyone…I’m not exactly new to the forums, I’ve been reading this since my life went into a tailspin almost three years ago. I bought and read both DB and DR at the end of 2012, and have flipped through them since, but I have not taken this as seriously as I could have and now, my H is finally preparing paperwork for the divorce he has threatened for so long. I can’t do this alone anymore, I hope you all will be as kind as I’ve seen you to be to others going through this.

I am 28, my H is 36. We have been married for 8.5 years. I met him soon after he moved to the USA (he is from a very different culture). We were crazy about each other. When he asked me to marry him after 9 months I didn’t even hesitate. He was my first boyfriend, first love, first everything. He was always very sweet and attentive to me, and very driven in life, and I loved those things about him.

1 year into our marriage, I was attending college in a nearby state (5 hours from our residence). He drove up to visit me twice, then said he was too busy to come anymore. I didn’t have a car and so had to beg rides from friends going that direction. I eventually ended up buying a cheap car and making the drive myself every weekend. I felt like I wasn’t important to him because of this.

1.5 years in, we both got very, very sick, H worse than me. He seemed to blame me for giving it to him, because our marriage seemed to never be the same after that. He said, specifically, that he didn’t feel the same toward me.

3 years in. We always had open access to each other’s accounts, phones, etc. I was using his phone for something and noticed that he had two recent conversation with two of his exes - but the messages had been deleted. When I asked, he said he deleted the messages because he didn’t want me to get mad. I asked him then if he wanted in or out of our marriage. He said out. Then did nothing about it.

4 years in. H appears to start having a MLC. He is from a wealthy background, and was used to not having to work, being taken care of by his mother, being the favored child. He was used to having it easy, and when it wasn’t he would quit and try something else. At this point his career is not going the way he expects, his (our) finances are a mess, he has left me for several month-long periods to go visit his family (and will in future years - I’ve spent 4 total Christmases alone because he needed to “relax.”) I try to gently help him reach his goals, but it doesn’t work and nothing seems to make him happy. He starts to worry about losing his hair.

5 years in. H’s dream is to own a house. He can’t make it happen. I step in and figure out a way. It happens. H refuses to put me on the title or mortgage because “he’s the one that will be paying for the house” and not me. This hurts me terribly but what can I do?

6 years. H starts to pull away from me, hard. I don’t take it well. I get depressed. I try to get his attention. When it doesn’t work, I am ashamed to admit this, I looked outside of my marriage. I had an affair that last 2 months. H found out just before I ended things with the OM, I cried, he threatened to throw me out, but didn’t.

7 years. I do all the wrong things because I’m young and stupid and never had a relationship before being married. I cry, plead, beg, chase, etc…

8 years in. H has threatened a D for 2 years now, once a month almost like clockwork. I don’t know why, but it’s always the last week of the month that his mood goes to hell. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. (Not concurrent with my mood/female cycles though). We have more good days than bad. Fighting has dwindled to 3 or 4 big ones for the whole year. When he says the D word, I don’t really believe him anymore. I keep trying to figure out what I can do to make it better. He says he can never forget what I did.

May 2014. We have a planned 21 day trip together. I can’t go last minute because of some issues. H decided to go anyway with a (married) male friend of his. Come to find out, said married friend is a serial cheater, and is encouraging my H to “have some fun.” They quickly bond with a group of youngish (early twenties) girls, and spend most of the trip in a group. I don’t believe H did anything physical, but there is evidence of an emotional attachment to one particular girl. Later, he admits to wanting her, but she refused him.

Oct. 2014. I find out H has hired a lawyer to prepare the paperwork. I cried and beg him to wait, let’s enjoy Christmas. He says yes to this request without even hesitating.

Jan. 16 I say something seemingly neutral about lunch, he storms out of the house without a word. He had been fine 30 minutes prior. I find out later he drove to the lawyer’s but they were already closed.

A few days ago. H invited some houseguests, I was cleaning up in preparation. He grabs something he has to return and says he is going to take care of it. Then he goes outside to make a phone call. I feel like something is off, so I follow him outside. He hangs up the phone call as soon as I get close enough to hear. On a hunch, I ask if I can go with him to the store. He gets angry, then admits he is going to the lawyer to get the papers done. I panic, and refuse to let him leave the house without me. I tell him I don’t want this, but I’ll read the papers if he will not surprise me with this. I don’t want to get served. I don’t promise to sign. He goes back inside the house. I sit with him until after the law office has closed, letting him talk, then went to the bedroom to be alone, because I was angry. Later on in the evening he saw something he liked on the tv and he told me, and we laughed about it together.

Over the course the marriage, he has had some of what I consider to be emotional affairs. I am relatively sure he is still having them now, that he needs the attention to feel validated. He came back from a trip once with a new condom in his pocket. He said he just wanted to feel like he was young and cool again.

We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed. H says he wants me to stay living here just like nothing has changed after the D. I would want to stay just to be in his life…but I know that’s probably the worst thing I could do for myself. I keep telling him I will have to leave. This seems to make him pause for a moment - then he will always say that it’s not his problem. I handle 90% of our lives so it could be just the fact that he will lose his maid, cook, sex partner, secretary, and bank all in one go.

Our sex life has always been really great, and oddly enough was never really affected by any of this. He has said on several occasions that there will be no more sex, but he always breaks that rule after about a week. He did go about a year without kissing me on the lips. He initiated ML last night, one day after the fight about him going to the lawyer.

He has said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me at all, isn’t sure if he ever did love me, says I’m not worth it, etc. Everything I do or suggest we try is “too late.” He gets angry when I “dress up” to go out with him because he thinks that I think I’m the “perfect wife” and of course I’m not (nor have I ever claimed to be). His behaviors have been so contradictory it makes my head spin.

I have been to IC. He refused to go. I really want to go to Retrouvaille. He paused to think when I mentioned it was church-based and practically free. He then said it was too late. I said I wanted to make sure we at least tried everything. He said no, he wouldn’t go.

I have one close friend, but she doesn’t live anywhere nearby. I call/text her when I need to vent. I don’t have any local friends.

We don’t have regular jobs/lives. No kids. I work from home, he doesn’t work at all. We spend a lot of time together, we always have. I love it. I do try to give him his breathing space. I’m not very good at it. I need touches and closeness to feel loved. Lack of affection kills me. Some mornings when he heads out to run an errand and I am still sleeping, he will come and kiss my forehead goodbye without my asking. But his moods seem to flip instantly. It’s almost like he catches himself starting to like me again, but he doesn’t want to. And then he punishes both of us.

Pretty much, I am the cause of everything wrong in his life, and once he is not married to me anymore then he can have a life again. And yet he doesn’t want me to leave.

And I can’t imagine my life without him.

More info to come…

[iffy]

Have you read the sticky on the newcomer forum re the 37 steps? When my husband left me the first time I thought I would absolutely die. I didn't know about this site back then but I wish I had because I did the things described in the 37 steps - quit crying, begging, etc., and it was only when I did that and I started getting my own life that he came back to me. You have to detach. It's very hard work though. But for me, it brought him back.

Now here we are 12 years later, and marriage is a mess again. Ugh.

[Sadie13]

Hi iffy,

Yes, I have read them...multiple times over the past year. I keep the list on my phone at all times in order to remind me. It's gold, that list. But I am terrible at doing the things on it consistently...and because of my situation, some things don't work well.

For example, because of my infidelity, "be mysterious" backfires hugely, even if I do it in a small way. I am not secretive by any means - all of my life is open for him to check - but if I go out shopping for example, he won't say anything while I am doing it, but afterward he will make a nasty comment about how I must be cheating again because I went out alone. If I go exercise, he insinuates that I am calling guys. I always answer the phone when he calls. I am NOT now, nor ever will be unfaithful again, and I have stated this multiple times, but he doesn't believe it. I always invite him along with me. When he makes those comments, I just respond with "You are welcome to come with me anytime." I'm not sure what else I can do there.

I think I'm going to go through the rules list here and make a post about which ones I've tried and which don't seem to work - maybe get some specific feedback that way. Thank you for the idea:)

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. You have some really specific questions regarding what to do based on the history of infidelity. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done! Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Sadie13]

Hi Cristy,

Yes, I have a ton of questions - I feel like my combination of situations (infidelity/possible MLC/who knows what else) make this a tricky thing to try to work through. I would love to talk to a coach, and will when I can. Money is tight right now, but I'm sure it would be well worth it.

[Sadie13]

I thought I'd go through Sandi2's 37 rules list and point out what is and what's not working. Sorry for these long posts. Any feedback or comments will be greatly welcomed!

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

--Err…well I mostly don’t do this…except when I do. The thought of him actually going through with this terrifies me…it’s like I’m looking at my best friend who is now an alien. What do I do if I know he is going to the attorney? Say nothing, smile at the lies that he is going somewhere else and let him go? I panic. Every instinct in me is screaming to not let him out of my sight. I don’t know how to turn that instinct off. Could definitely use some suggestions!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

--Very, very guilty of too many phone calls and texts. I like to know where my family members are, and that they are safe. I have always been like this. It gives me a sense of security I guess, plus with H in particular I just miss him. When I do manage to not call/text for awhile, he will almost always contact me first and ask what I’m doing. I need to get better at this.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

--I don’t do this. But friends and acquaintances of ours often say how we are such a good/cute/well-matched couple, and I think this is because we have always had an unspoken agreement to put on a united front in the presence of others. At these times we are a team, and only maybe twice in our whole marriage have we ever broken this agreement in front of anyone. I love to hear this, BUT it makes H furious, because he thinks it’s all a big lie, that we are just pretending to be a perfect couple.

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

--In the beginning, I did this way too much. Now I’m much better about it. We will usually end up in the same room by default (i.e. watching tv) but I don’t follow him there. If I park myself in another room purposely, half of the time he will migrate to where I am. When he doesn’t it’s usually (but not always) an indicator of how angry he is at me at the moment.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

--Again, I used to do this but have gotten much better. Often what will happen is H will say things indicative of future plans – a concert we should see coming up, leaving a backup of my sports equipment at his mother’s house so we don’t have to travel with it, renovating parts of the house – and then it’s like he will catch himself and get angry at both of us. What I usually do with these statements now is give a generic agreement, “Yes, good idea,” or some such thing. Then I change the subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

--I do not. I only talk to one friend about this because she is discreet, positive, and very supportive. None of my family members know what’s going on. H, however, tells his mother EVERYTHING.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

--I don’t ask for verbal reassurances but I will on occasions ask for hugs and kisses. I should probably stop that.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

--Guilty. I always bought him small gifts before because I like to make him happy, so I never really stopped. So I guess I should stop?

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

--This doesn’t really apply because we are together almost all the time anyway…we never had “dates” like this. If this refers to romantic type evenings…we never did much of it.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

--Working on this. I like to be informed so I know where I stand, but I hate to see things that he has written to multiple OW…it kills me.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

--I sometimes say, “I like you,” but not I love you. He was not one to say it very much anyway. His usual response is “well that’s your problem.”

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

--I am not good at this! My whole life is wrapped up in him. I am used to anticipating his needs and taking care of him. And he will very often request my help. I don’t know where the line is. Sometimes I will refuse a request by saying, “I have to take care of (something for me) now, but maybe later I can help you.” This makes him angry and he will accuse me of taking advantage of his generosity…I know it’s ridiculous when he does that but I hate the conflict. My attitude is generally good. I don’t stay upset for long.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

--I do this, and I try to dress the way I know he prefers me to dress when I can. Sometimes he will compliment me but I never ask for compliments anymore.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do.

--Hmm…I need to get better at this…the problem right now is that I’m almost paralyzed but the fear that if I leave him alone for one second…he will call or go to the divorce lawyer. So when I try to go out and do things on my own, I spend the whole time thinking and worrying and calling and texting him…it’s bad, I know.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad.

--I have scaled back my conversation a lot. I’m not sure if he really notices. One night, though, I was washing his face and moisturizing it for him while he was lying down (like a spa facial – and if I don’t do it he won’t take care of his skin) and he said, “See how much better it is when you are quiet and take care of me?” It was borderline offensive, but I just smiled and kept going. I realized that he was trying to tell me what would help him feel better.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!!

--Guilty, guilty, guilty!!! I have a feeling that this bothers him A LOT that I do this, like I don’t trust him. Well, I don’t! And I worry about his safety at times. But I need to stop this cold turkey. Right now.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

--How? By doing things like continuing my studies or building my career? Not moping around the house maybe?

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing.

--Working on it…could use some more ideas though.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.

--I try hard to do this. I try to keep a soft smile or a neutral expression on my face at all times, no matter what I am feeling.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

--I don’t ask, but sometimes I think the waiting in limbo will kill me.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

--Pretty good at this. I don’t like to fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

--Okay with this one.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

--Need to get better at this. And at not defending myself anymore.

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

--It does work. I just need to do it better before I am out of time.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.

--Yep, okay with this one. I stop what I am doing and give him my full attention.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

--I’ve gotten much better at this.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

--Work in progress. I am eatier healthier, taking vitamins, taking walks, doing yoga, meditating…it does help me keep my peace.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

--I do this often.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

--Consistency is not my forte, especially when things start to look up. I relax a little, I start to think that maybe this bad stuff is over…then it all crashes down again.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.

--Working on this.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

--Okay on this.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

--Trying. It’s hard not to believe when H screams these awful things at me.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

--I’m not a quitter…that’s why I’m here. I just get scared.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

--Okay on this.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

--Guilty. Will try harder.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

--No problem. I prefer to stay home anyway.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

--Trying not to. Not easy!

[Sadie13]

Checking here, trying to post when I can...hopefully some of you will chime in with advice soon:)

-My question today - What do you do when your SO's lie to you?

For the past few days, things have been...okay...around here I guess. I have been pulling back. Not calling him when he goes out. I ended up watching the Superbowl alone even though we had planned to watch together...he went out on his motorcycle and ended up at a bar I guess, and didn't tell me he wasn't coming. I didn't say anything when he got home, even though I was really irritated...but anyway, I've been not asking any questions. Just kind of staying quiet. And it does work, as far as keeping the peace I guess. When I pull back, he will call me...he will follow me to the next room...he will ask me for things/attention/food.

This morning he got out of bed to call his mother...I stayed in bed, but overheard some of his conversation...there was one part where he said he would fly to his home (in another country) on his birthday, which is in about one month. A pause, and the next sentence he said was, no I think it's better for her (me) to stay here and take care of the house.

Now, I had heard him mention to other people about traveling on his birthday there. I don't know exactly why he is so set on that date, but all of his "friends" (emotional affair partners) are there, and I have a gut feeling one of them promised him something for his birthday...a party, a "present"...who knows.

When he came back into the room he asked me to make him breakfast...after a few minutes I asked if everything was okay with his mother, he said yes...then I asked what he was saying about his birthday...and he pretended to misunderstand (buying some time to think of an answer), then he said, oh my sister needed my birthday to install something blah blah blah...which very obviously not true. I didn't say anything. But I felt so bad...I still do. I want to cry at the thought what he could and probably will do there.

So is that all I can do when he lies to me? Stay calm and do nothing?

[Sadie13]

I'm back again. Wanted to talk about my suspicions regarding H's possible EA and maybe eventual PA. I try not to overthink things but sometimes I do...maybe you guys can help me sort out what's true and what's not.

--To recap from above, over the course of our marriage, we had open access to accounts and phones. I have personally seen text messages to youngish women along the lines of "you're beautiful" "I love your eyes/smile/whatever" "come visit me" etc. Maybe with 5-6 different women, possibly more. With one of them, she asked about me (having met me) and H replied that I was"just a girlfriend and wouldn't be around much longer." With another, she also knew about me; H said at one point he was going to visit her, and for her to "not get a boyfriend until he got there." I walked in the room at that point and they both joked about having to go because I just got home. I always confronted him when I saw these messages. He always said it was nothing. I hate fighting, so I stupidly let it go. It got much worse after my A came to light. He started doing what I call "fishing"...for attention, for interest...from these girls.

--Not at all an excuse for my behavior, but knowing this wore me down so much...I felt so unwanted, I looked elsewhere. My choice, my fault of course. I was stupid. After finding out about my PA, H changed all his passwords and locked down his phone, supposedly so I wouldn't go through his things and delete evidence of my affair. He was (and still is) planning to D. This was 2.5 years ago.

--Even though he changed them, I know him well enough to guess most of his passwords. I did not snoop though until the last 6 moths or so...when he started being really cagey with his phone. Always turning the screen away from me to text or Facebook. Or clicking the screen off when I come into the room. He took his phone everywhere, even to the bathroom when he showered. He was behaving like I had behaved when I was having an A.

--Snooping turned up no hard evidence. He uses apps like What'sApp, Viber, Tinder, MagicJack, etc, so nothing shows up on the phone bill. And he spends most of his time with me anyway so I am relatively sure there is nothing physical going on...but I think he has someone in particular in mind and that's who he wants to go visit in another country on his birthday. He recently changed the password to one of his other emails that is supposed to be for business. I found out it is tied to his new "secret" instagram account...which consists of 10 pictures of him with his toys, most of which I took for him, and exactly one follower - the girl from the above paragraphs whom he told that I was just a girlfriend.

--In his email I found a few voice messages...he had emailed to himself in Nov. 2014. Right around the time he found out one of his former crushes/EA women was pregnant from another man. I didn't recognize the voice, but it sounded very young...and she spoke about some things that indicate she was likely finishing up college this year. She said that she was sad they couldn't even call and say goodnight to each other...and that she understood his life was so hard right now (he may or may not have told her about the current M situation). And then she goes on to speak about this fantasy life "they" were going to have and the places they were going to take "their" children...it broke my heart listening to that.

--I have two theories: one, this is the girl he is focused on and wants to do something with. Two, it could be older messages from the girl who is pregnant now...how old, I couldn't say...but it would fit his personality and the timeline...I can see him clearing out the text messages from her but wanting to save a few voice messages for sentimental reasons. I just don't know what is true and what is not.

--As of now, his phone is still locked. I have a guess as to the code, but he never leaves the phone long enough for me to have a chance to see. Even when he leaves the room to get something he will either take the phone or keep peeking his head back in the room to make sure I "don't mess with his stuff."

So am I crazy? Is he crazy? Is he trying to make me crazy? I just don't know anymore.

[Sadie13]

Checking in. A small positive thing happened today!

I have been really trying hard at DB'ing, detaching, 37 rules, etc. I have been supportive of my H (noncritical) and trying some 180's. Just letting him do his own thing because, I want him to come back to me - but only if HE wants to.

We had kind of a lazy morning - he went to the living room to play on his phone. I would usually follow him out there to keep an eye on who he is texting. Today, instead, I got up, made him tea and toast quietly (he is sick so I also gave him some medicine), and took my coffee back to the bedroom and read a book. After about 15 minutes he came back to bed with me and stayed on the phone. I didn't pay attention, just kept reading. Later on I got up to make lunch, and where I would usually insist that he eat with me (I hate eating meals alone), when he said he wanted to shower first I just said ok and I went to eat and watch tv by myself. He came out to eat and started a conversation based on the program I was watching (a history thing) and then when he finished eating --

-- he got up, came over to me, hugged me from behind and tickled me because I said something teasing to him!!

I laughed and squirmed like he expected, but I didn't grab him back or try to hold onto him to prolong the hug like I usually would do. I feel like it's such a small thing that it can't possibly mean anything - but oh it gives me hope, it really does!

[Sadie13]

Hello Everyone,

I posted here about a year ago...unfortunately I'm back, and my situation has not improved. There are a lot of things I don't understand about my H's behavior so I hope I can get some insight here. The full backstory is in my post history, but briefly:

2006--Married (I was 22, he was 28).
2009--H expressed doubts about marriage. Evidence of H's EA's (multiple).
2012--My EA; H demands divorce but doesn't follow through.
2014--H prepares papers.
2015--I sign papers as he harassed me about it so much, I finally gave in.
2016--D supposed to be finalized Feb. 10th; I panic, hire a lawyer to give me more time. Supposed to file new pleading in 20 days, not sure what to do.

He was my first everything; I went from living with my parents to being married, and the thought of being single terrifies me. After ten years together, I don't know if it's time to let go or not. I have been fighting for our marriage since 2012. I'm so tired.

But here is what I really don't understand, and what I hope you guys can help me with. My H has said that he will not change his mind about the D, and that we don't have a marriage anymore. However, he has also said that he will not tell our friends, he wants me to stay living with him and keep our lives the same (we have a house and a dog, and work together), and that he has no intention of dating anyone else. I asked him why it was so important to him - and he said it was because "the pressure would be off" if we divorced.

Why would he want that? Is it so he can be "free" in case something better comes along? While I am still taking care of the house and our daily lives? He has also indicated that I "need to prove that I don't need anyone to take care of me." And that in a year or so, he "might want to get back together." And he offered to be a sperm donor for me.

For what it's worth, he is losing his hair and is very self-conscious about that. He also bought a motorcycle and a convertible, and expresses doubt about his self-worth in relation to his peers - he feels like he hasn't accomplished anything in life, etc.

On wednesday, when he realized the divorce would not be finalized that day after all, he sat in the car and cried. And I just don't understand. Why is a D so important to him, if he wants me to stay with him and continue on with our lives? Is this even possible?