I feel the best thing you can do is sit back and continue to work on yourself. If you put pressure on him and Nasty "B" (AKA OW) put pressure on him he will probably implode. Its a given that "NB" is and will put a great deal of pressure on him. If you don't and appear to be the calm, cool, and rational person, then who will he gravitate towards? My guess is "NB" will drive him away with all the pressure she will put on him. Time is on your side.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
You know, Mighty, I hate to say it, but I think this was a false reconciliation. He felt oppressed by his impending fatherhood and the fact that the grass wasn't greener (and maybe was fighting with HWW) so he came to you and said all those nice things.
Now the baby is here, he's bonding with her, and you can bet HWW is doing her darnedest to reel him back in - and apparently it's working. He's starting to retract some of his statements etc.
It doesn't mean I'm right for sure, but I'd be prepared for him to go back to HWW at least once.
(btw, if he does - GET OUT THERE and LIVE. Let him worry about you going dancing with other men etc. Doesn't mean you have to or should date, but it's often amazing how their minds clear once they see their spouse has moved on.)
Mighty, I agree 100% w/what kml wrote. One thing for sure...get out there and live your life to the fullest. Life is far too short to sit around waiting to see if that old pot is going to bubble and boil over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty, I have been thinking along the lines of what KML wrote. He isnt baked yet..and I think he is still pretty uncooked. If I were you, I would be prepared for anything.
That's why you need to let him go. I mean really and truly. I know you are trying. I think you think you are a bit further along than you actually are, though.
I know this has been a freakin whirlwind for you. Here's the thing. There is peace on the other side. Once you can really leave him to his journey and continue taking yours, you are getting closer to it.
Once you can see that you have no control over the outcome, you are getting closer.
When you know, without a single doubt that you will be ok; when you embrace that he has a long way to go and you have a life to live; when you can accept what is you will be closer.
Mighty, he is a mess. Thats the truth of it. You need to get out of the way of it so you dont get any of it on you.
I know its so hard. You have been with him your whole life. Built a family, a home, a business with him. And you wonder what the heck happened.
A crisis hit. He is swirling in it. He tried to bring you into the vortex because he wanted the spinning to stop. But it doesnt work that way.
The only way it works if for him to go through it. The only way it works for you is for you to let him.
Live your life. Enjoy your kids. Find you. Get good and strong. Feet firmly planted. Your center solid.
Then, one day, if he has done the work and he wants back in, you make a decision based not on fear or familiarity but on strength.
Hey. Things are not good. They are better in the sense that I can handle- not good situations- much better. But, not good, because.... well... MLC svcks.
And, you guys are probably right. It looks like xh may very well go back. When I read HB's "Awakening" and what it describes- it is spot on. Including the fact that the awakening is actually a temporary clearing before they go back into the fog. And at that point, it also describes xh right on.
I have noticed that the past, maybe, two weeks there have been some significant changes. Like withdrawal/depression type behavior. Since he has come around, I had noticed that the ever so present anger of the past was gone. Now, he is becoming increasingly irritable. Last night was the first time I've been around him, really, for a little while. I noticed his behavior was way off. He was a little short and frustrated. But, I realized that it had nothing to do with me, so I blew it off. He would not look me in the eye at all. And, pretty much left with saying good bye to the kids only- he took off from me.
Now, I am wondering if it is because he is just going through some of the processes, but more so, I am wondering if something else is going on.
Last week, his communication was much less. I got one "good morning" and no real "good nights" which I was getting on a routine basis previously.
Thursday, I went out and xh came here to be with the kids. He texted me at 9:30 and said he was going home and was tired. I texted him that I would be there in a little while. he said it was bedtime and how tired he was. I noticed when I arrived home about 45 min later that the room he stays in was all lit up with lights- but whatever. I have just noticed that he always says he is so tired and has to go to sleep, but when he is at hww's he is late all the time. Just an observation I've made over the past few weeks.
Then, on Friday, d13 had a game. He called me after work (the game was just starting) and said that he couldn't make it because he thought he was coming down with the flu. (He sounded fine).
Saturday, he did not come home. I was in and out all afternoon and right into the evening. So, of course, it was right in my face that he wasn't home. On Sunday- he still wasn't home. Now, this time I looked in the morning. I mean, I just had to know. I have to know if this is happening so I am not caught so off guard as I have been in the past. I know he does not have the b@lls to tell me what's going on. He came back around 11:30 in the morning (which, last year, if he ever stayed here, he would RUN out at like 7AM- not to mention the time he did recently, too.) But, whatever. (and why would he spend the night with a newborn if he has the flu)
I talked myself up all day. I have not been letting it get to me too much. I remind myself that if that's what he wants, then he will continue to be as happy as he has been- not very.
So yesterday evening, he texted me and asked if I minded if he came over to watch the game. It took me a little bit to answer. I was thinking about saying that if he had stayed there- then no way. I don't want to ask, but I want to let him know that I am not a door mat, either. So, this has been tough. I decided that I would take the high road. No expectations, no neediness, right, Shining?!
I did, and I was really proud of myself. No drama at all. We actually hardly talked. But, I had a good time, laughed with s17 and was pretty normal. Xh did not stay the whole game, of course. I did see him on his phone... grrrrrr... but I am not going down that road again. I will not let him get the best of me. Heck- if he WANTS the best of me, all he would have to do is put some effort into it!
And that was that. Usually after he leaves, he will text me thanks and good night, but silence.
He did mention something about the taxes last night. I know it's probably a mess for him bc of the divorce, business, and buying a new house with hww, etc. But, he was telling me how we would do it with the business, and when I asked a question is when he became irritable.
I thought about it this morning, and I don't like OR trust how he is doing it. And it dawned on me that he did all the finalizing of selling everything (the week he moved into the house with hww) and (OMG- I just realized something! I think he totally screwed me!) UGH... I just feel like he is hiding something... well... that's what I was feeling, and now I think I may know. I think he probably turned his profit into the closing of his house bc then he won't have to pay the tax on it like I do!
So this morning, I texted him at like 8:30 about the taxes bc I kind of disagreed with what he was saying. He never responded. All friggin day. Then this evening I just said that I am not sure what I've done. It's ridiculous that he is now ignoring me. I wanted to make an appointment today, and I am not going to let him take advantage of me. Last year, I trusted him with this= only to find out a week later what was really going on and that he is totally untrustworthy.
Ugh, now I'm frustrated about that. But I'm not going to get too excited, because if I've learned anything, it's that it's not worth getting too bent out of shape for. It will eventually not be that big of a deal. Only what I let it become. However, I'm not going to just lay down.
So, here we are tonight... he is gone again. Assuming that he is there again for the night.
But I can't imagine that he is too happy, seeing the way he is behaving. Unless it is just around me.
He started a new position at work, and it is very overwhelming for him right now. He is really good at doing what he is doing- very good. But, I think it is taking a toll.
When I talked to him Thursday while he was at work (hasn't happened in awhile) and asked a question about the kitchen, he got very agitated and short and said he can't talk about it and he is at work and he would get really flustered. ( I have NEVER heard him talk like that- EVER! I have never heard him say he would ever get flustered!)
He has backed way off with helping with the house. Said that I have money to do it (which I don't).
He has been gone a lot (I really have no idea if he has been staying there more, because I haven't been looking until it was in my face on Saturday- so maybe this has been going on).
His dad is back in the hospital. Before he was going 100 MPH to be with him and to reconnect with him. Now, he said that he hasn't gone and really doesn't know his dad's conditions bc he doesn't have time.
He no longer contacts the kids directly. He will just text me a generic question and ask what they are doing or how they are.
He spends much less time with them. Lots more with the baby (I presume).
Irritable. Not himself. Stressed.
If he is staying there to take care of the baby so hww can sleep- it's a joke. He is "so tired" and can't be with his kids and has to work in the morning. She doesn't. And he never got up with either of my kids. But, I don't even care.
The kids and I rented a movie tonight. It was funny and we laughed. I though how lucky I was to be with them. How unfortunate that he is missing out on the last few years (months for s17) of his kids's being young and at home. S17 graduates in a few months. He has 18 years with that baby... and only a few more months with s17 (in that child capacity). He has already missed more than the last year. And I had this thought that I won't miss anymore days either bc I am down in the dumps. I've missed days bc of that, too. I will no longer let it bring me down to that level. I think I have moved beyond that. Will I have down times- for sure. In fact, right now is not so hot. I didn't know what to do, so I am posting and feel better. But, knowing he is probably there again for the night... and I'm OK, tells me I have bridged a gap.
Also, his tune bout hww has changed too. He said a little over a week ago that he wouldn't have been with her if he didn't respect her. I said, well then you don't respect me, because if you did, you wouldn't have been with her.
He is so close to the situation that he does not see the big picture. I'm not sweating her anymore. But it is so sad to see him so pathetic when it comes to her. It is such a turn-off. She has always controlled and manipulated him. Which is crazy knowing the kind of person he is- let alone her age. But, he really does not see it. So sad. He did for awhile and said he had blinders on, and said he saw what I did and expressed those things to me. I think the blinders have returned. Baby blinders. It's put her in a different light. But, once the baby gets older, I'm sure the baby blinders will fall off. Apparently they did when it comes to me! And I had double his babies than her.
I guess the stress is dealing with me. Since he "wouldn't do that" to me again and he has my back and knows what is important and knows what he wants and that he has always loved me and always imagined us growing old together and he was not happy with her and knew it wasn't right and made the biggest mistake of his life and will do whatever it takes to make things right and he just wants his family back, and on and on and on... well the stress comes from the fact that he has to eat his words, right?
That now, he has to do this again. So, he is handling it the only way he knows how. Like a coward. Running and hiding. Angry and shady. Dishonest and disrespectful.
I know I keep saying it feel like last year... his actions are just like last year. Just like it. Only this time, I know who or what is involve. I feel like I am at the same place- but stronger. I know what I'm dealing with. I know I can move on. I am just mad that I had to be put back to square one- again. And that this is happening- again. Right when I was really moving along.
And I feel so used now. Hww thought right at the beginning that xh would fix his r with the kids and come back. Looks like she is now working her devilish magic. And now she has the sweet spot, to boot!
But, I'm not going to be use. He will not use my house as a spot to hang with the kids. He put himself in this position. Forget him. My kids are going to be so mad. I feel like maybe he is waiting for s17 to graduate then move back in with hww. OMG, what a jack @ss. In the meantime spend several nights a week there? Seriously!?
It's frustrating. I don't know exactly how to handle it. Other than just say, you are no longer allowed on my turf. And that's that. The friendship is over. Bye.
