WAW Dating - Oh noes!!..

[Ontheup]

Hey LoveMW

You have to push those thoughts out of your mind because it means you are not concentrating on you.

In my opinion she would have to be some sort of sociopath for it not to play on her mind or at least think about it. You already answered your own question really a few posts up when you said she was questioning you. I know they seem like they don't care and moving on etc but I just don't buy it. Its all part of the fog. You have to remember that they checked out a long time ago. For us this is all still fresh.

Forget about her and OM. Its fantasy land.
Concentrate on you and the kids.

Move on for you and whatever the outcome you'll be a better person.

I fully understand as i'm also going through this.

[rd500]

Hi LMW, just re the signs, I find it best not to mind read. Its really hard not to but they could take you down the wrong road. As one of the vets said a long time ago, its the actions of the WAS not what they say.

Just to give you some examples of my W this week alone,

She has started calling me sweetheart again, she has texted me that our M was far from bad and it was mostly good. She has arranged a new deal with Sky for the house, telling the engineer that she needed to speak to her husband re details. She has texted me aleast twice everyday this week, including last nite when she stays in the house !!! and she will call me on the phone most days. This morning there was a ring on her wedding finger, which is huge for my D's as they asked her 4 weeks ago to put them back on and W told them she was now wearing them on her other hand and would not change.

Thats just in the last 5 days. If I mind read I would be getting her PJs ready for her !!! LOL

At the same time alot of people on here have very strained realtionships with the WAS so I wouldn't ignore the signs but actions speak louder !!!!

On the WAS seeming happy, I can tell you that I was convinced that my W was more than happy with her choice even though she was clearly unhappy about leaving kids and three weeks ago she called me and told me that she was very unhappy with her new life and was crying most days because she has lost everything.
Your W is second guessing everything you say and do.

Keep strong and as we all tell each other, it's a long road. Your M didn't fail overnight so it can't be repaired over night either. Take care RD

[LoveMyW]

Hey LoveMW

You have to push those thoughts out of your mind because it means you are not concentrating on you.

In my opinion she would have to be some sort of sociopath for it not to play on her mind or at least think about it. You already answered your own question really a few posts up when you said she was questioning you. I know they seem like they don't care and moving on etc but I just don't buy it. Its all part of the fog. You have to remember that they checked out a long time ago. For us this is all still fresh.

Forget about her and OM. Its fantasy land.
Concentrate on you and the kids.

Move on for you and whatever the outcome you'll be a better person.

I fully understand as i'm also going through this.

Hi SRD.. Don't worry, my focus is on myself and my kids.. I'm agreeing that the fog is starting to lift ever so slightly..

TBH, I Really don't care about her and OM's interactions.. It was more journaling/thoughts..

We are all here for the same reasons!!.. I will check out your sitch fully later..

Hi LMW, just re the signs, I find it best not to mind read. Its really hard not to but they could take you down the wrong road. As one of the vets said a long time ago, its the actions of the WAS not what they say.

Just to give you some examples of my W this week alone,

She has started calling me sweetheart again, she has texted me that our M was far from bad and it was mostly good. She has arranged a new deal with Sky for the house, telling the engineer that she needed to speak to her husband re details. She has texted me aleast twice everyday this week, including last nite when she stays in the house !!! and she will call me on the phone most days. This morning there was a ring on her wedding finger, which is huge for my D's as they asked her 4 weeks ago to put them back on and W told them she was now wearing them on her other hand and would not change.

Thats just in the last 5 days. If I mind read I would be getting her PJs ready for her !!! LOL

At the same time alot of people on here have very strained realtionships with the WAS so I wouldn't ignore the signs but actions speak louder !!!!

On the WAS seeming happy, I can tell you that I was convinced that my W was more than happy with her choice even though she was clearly unhappy about leaving kids and three weeks ago she called me and told me that she was very unhappy with her new life and was crying most days because she has lost everything.
Your W is second guessing everything you say and do.

Keep strong and as we all tell each other, it's a long road. Your M didn't fail overnight so it can't be repaired over night either. Take care RD

Thanks for the input RD.. No mindreading going on!!.. As I replied to SRD, just journaling/thinking.. It's the first thought I've had like that about W in a few weeks now, and it feels good!!..

That seems like some changes in your sitch.. Keep up the good work!!..

I agree with my W second guessing.. I think I've finally found the right combination of "do what works"!!.. For now anyway!!..

[Ontheup]

Hey

Great stuff. It is good to journal. Gives me great comfort knowing we're all here rooting for each other. I'm only 2weeks in since OM Dday but each day I feel ever so slightly better. There are hard times coming up. Telling our daughter for one and then me moving out. Although financially it will be tough I'm looking forward to moving out. I can't put up with my wife's fake friendliness for much longer.

[LoveMyW]

Ok, so cracks in W's outer are starting to appear, or at least that is what I THINK I am seeing..

We had kid exchange today for my weekend with them.. W arrived a bit earlier than expected (only 10 mins or so) and I was in the shower after work when they knocked on my door.. I basically jumped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around me and went to the door to let them in..

I quickly greeted them and started to make my way back to the bathroom to get dressed etc.. Well W decided to engage me in some very idle chit-chat as I was walking back, but it was enough to answer.. Well I was standing there talking and caught her blatantly checking me out.. Like the full up and down with a glint in the eye.. I must admit, it gave the ego a boost as I am looking fairly good after a bit of working out!!..

Anyway, after W left the kids filled me in one their last few days as they always do.. S6 mentioned that OM told him to "P" off when he went in to W's bedroom.. I called W to ask about this to see if it was true or not.. I was cool, calm and collected when I called W, and kept a light tone on the question.. She answered me that although he was told to go back to bed, "P" off wasn't included by either her or OM..

I said that her saying that was fine, but I'm not OK with OM disciplining our children, especially that he isn't well know (apparently).. Well she got irate, told me that she would never let anything happen to the kids and tried to goad me in to an argument.. I didn't bite.. I told her that I wasn't OK with her raising her voice at me, swearing or using a tone and requested that she stopped (pretty much the exact words)..

She was still the same after that so I politely ended the call.. 5 mins later I receive a text which was a bit left field.. W wrote:

I know what you are playing at, you are trying to word your words right so you can take the kids off me.. I have never said you can't be active in knowing what the kids are doing but there is a thing called trying to dictate someone.. As it seems that you are pretty much saying that we harm the kids. Which I would never harm my children or put them in harm or someone else..

^^ Basically how it was written..

I replied that I wasn't will to text back an answer, but I would rather answer her by voice as texting about something like this can be misconstrued.. She called 2 mins later.. I mentioned to her that I was sorry she felt that way, but I no way intended for her to think that..

We had a short chat and I re-stated that I wasn't ok with the spew, nor was I good with OM disciplining S's.. She seemed a bit more receptive this time, but still not quite happy.. I said to her that I've gone from seeing the kids 24/7/365, to 8 days a month minimum and that I was just checking facts to keep smooth co-parenting.. She agreed that I did have a right to ask, and that "You know you can have the kids more when your time allows" (kid time has NEVER been a problem between us, and still isn't), "You don't know how much I hurt when I drop them off and don't see them for the weekend" (good one W!!)..

I very nearly un-DB'd by saying "It doesn't have to be like this".. I caught myself in time and just validated..

Why am I mentioning about cracks??.. Because W went from obviously attracted to irate to upset all within the space of an hour or so.. Something is going on here and I can't put my finger on it.. Am I rocking the boat??..

[Barry]

Hi LMW,
I'm fairly new here so this is just my take on things (i've read all the posts on your sitch - quiet day at work lol).

She definatly sounds confused at the moment, which is probably why the mixture of emotions are spewing from her. Maybe this OM DID tell S6 to P off, but she doesn't want you to know about it and she's angry at him for doing that too. From what you say of him, it could be that she's realising the grass isn't greener etc. This is all speculation obviously, so careful monitoring seems to be in order.

I like the way you're handling all of this, you seem to be in control of your emotions regarding the R/M/OM, and are conducting yourself in the right way IMO.

As I say, my sitch is only 6 weeks since BD, and we have been pretty much NC in that time. I'm four years older than you but have been married three times as long (not that that makes any difference as such). There is currently no known OM in my sitch, but what I'm saying is that I hope (should one come along, which it will do if we don't R), I can conduct myself in a similar way to how you are.

I'll keep up with your sitch, and I'm rooting for you no matter what happens with your M.

Barry.

[LoveMyW]

Hi LMW,
I'm fairly new here so this is just my take on things (i've read all the posts on your sitch - quiet day at work lol).

She definatly sounds confused at the moment, which is probably why the mixture of emotions are spewing from her. Maybe this OM DID tell S6 to P off, but she doesn't want you to know about it and she's angry at him for doing that too. From what you say of him, it could be that she's realising the grass isn't greener etc. This is all speculation obviously, so careful monitoring seems to be in order.

I like the way you're handling all of this, you seem to be in control of your emotions regarding the R/M/OM, and are conducting yourself in the right way IMO.

As I say, my sitch is only 6 weeks since BD, and we have been pretty much NC in that time. I'm four years older than you but have been married three times as long (not that that makes any difference as such). There is currently no known OM in my sitch, but what I'm saying is that I hope (should one come along, which it will do if we don't R), I can conduct myself in a similar way to how you are.

I'll keep up with your sitch, and I'm rooting for you no matter what happens with your M.

Barry.

Thanks for your comments Barry.. I will catch up on your sitch soon, and see if I can give any advice..

I kind of gathered it is the emotions mixed up.. You are probably right about OM actually saying P off and that she isn't real impressed.. I have a sneaky suspicion that W wouldn't tell me as I would have no hesitation in nipping it in the bud, and she knows this.. She knows I am fiercely protective of my children, and credit where it is due that she is too.. Agreed that further monitoring is the go though..

Thanks for the big ups on the handling of the sitch.. It took me quite a while to get where I am now, and still have a ways to go before I am a DB master.. I'm staying on the path though!!..

Keep up with your NC/LC.. It does work wonders for yourself.. I've found that being cordial/polite/neighbour friendly to your spouse when they do talk is the way to go as well.. It puts them in a more comfortable spot when communicating with you..

I hurt enough in my sitch, so I can only imagine what you are feeling with a longer M/R!!.. Keep it in your mind that it does get better though..

Thanks for the cheerleading haha!!..

[LoveMyW]

I've come to a realisation today that W is really clutching at straws for reasons to spew as she has been lately.. It seems now that my validation and neighbourly/business like manner that was the cause of the text outburst I received the other day..

Basically it all started with a text convo earlier.. Here is the rundown

W calls (I didn't hear it)

10 mins later W texts

W: Would you like me to bring the game console over for you to set up for the boys?.

(We had already agreed that it would be sorted next weekend)

Me: We are not around at the moment, but you could drop it up later if you were near the area..

W: Okay not a problem. I won't worry about it.

Me: No worries.. Have a good day..

Roughly 30 mins later

W: I can come over for a coffee now if you want..

Me: We are still out at the moment but will be back in about an hour..

W: I have stuff to do so I'll see how I go..

Me: Righto then, Well we will see you in the morning.. Have a great day..

W: I've got to get (a matter) sorted that's why.. I'm waiting for (parent) to finish work and get home that's why I can come around nowish..

Me: Well we are out and about so we'll probably have to give it a miss.. Talk to you later..

W: Yeah..

I stopped there..

So we get home and roughly 15 mins later W is on my doorstep unannounced with the game console.. I said thank you and invited her in for a coffee..

She hit me with a possible change we could have with the kids time between each of us.. I reiterate that visitation and splitting of the kids between us has NEVER been an issue regarding times and when etc.. We have a minimum time that has been agreed to, but more has never been an issue..

Basically, she said I could have them each weekend instead of every other.. Due to my work hours, a week on week off basis would not work hence the weekends.. As much as I'd love to have them each weekend, I can't help but to think there is an ulterior motive behind it.. I asked if we could sit down and talk about such plans without the kids around as I would like to be able to take all the info in without distraction.. She said she would let me know..

She changed her conversation to the message, and I said to her that I didn't want to engage in that conversation, but I did mention that it was a silly thought and that I have no intention of taking the kids away from her whilst they were safe and looked after, and that I was sorry she felt that way.. Now, as much info as I have found out, I must admit they are safe AT THE MOMENT..

She then said that "the way I am wording everything lately" is the reason she thinks that I am wanting to take them away.. The only thing I have been "wording" in last month or 2 is validation, neighbourly interaction and setting boundaries as I can when the time arises..

Basically, like I said W is clutching at straws for things to spew at me about if validation is an issue.. I'm guessing she is feeling as though she is losing control of the situation hence the unrequited and uncalled for spew.. There is pretty obviously a reach out happening here, especially with todays unannounced visit.. Where it is going, I don't know, and don't really care until more actions are made..

[LoveMyW]

New spew ahead!!.. W is now peeved that I am calling her by her first name in texts etc!!.. Grabbing at straws??..

Well I'm in a rock and a hard place regarding the offer that was put to me about sharing of the kids..

I've had a chance to think objectively about it over the last 24 hours and I'm really not sure which path to take.. Something that swayed me to being indecisive on it was a couple of comments W made that at the time didn't really mean anything then, but looking back could be something..

The 2 comments made were "I have them all week" and "I have to ask XYZ to borrow some money"..

Unrelated in the conversation (they were at 2 different times on different subjects) but enough to make me look at the bigger picture..

Just to clarify the current sharing agreement, I have them from afternoon Friday, to Monday morning every other week, and Sunday morning to Monday morning on the alternate weeks.. The offered arrangement is afternoon Friday to Monday morning every week.. As mentioned previously, my hours don't really fit well with a week on-week off arrangement..

Now, part of me is saying "Heck yes!!" as I will have the boys more as a certainty, and there is nothing more I like than having them around.. We have started some little "traditions", and we always call our weekends together "mans weekend" and they/we love it!!..

The other part of me is a bit cynical (for want of a better word) about a few things though..

This part is telling me I should say no.. This is where the "I look after them all week" comment comes in.. With the way it was said (tone etc), W MAY be run off her feet with them and needs more downtime.. This is where I am thinking that she needs to have the consequences of her decision to leave shown to her..

Another reason is the money comment.. It is pretty obvious that her life is a bit harder than she thought it would be financially.. I don't help her out financially for anything not kid related any more, and to this comment I didn't even mention helping.. It was up to her to reach out to me.. It ties in with the kids as when they are there obviously it means more food etc..

Funny point on the above reason.. She has mentioned that she doesn't ask OM for money to borrow etc.. That could be taken a few ways!!..

Another thing.. She has had 4-5 solid months to offer me something like this.. Why now??..

My last and least "No" reason is that I see it would give her and OM more "alone" time on the weekends.. Once again, she needs to see the actions of her actions..


With all the other developments of late (spew, anger etc), something is fundamentally changing in my sitch, and I honestly think she needs to see the full result of her actions..

Hard thoughts!!.. Anyone got an idea??..

[jim0987]

LoveMyW,

Honestly make the decision that is best for you irrespective of what works for W or not.

If you have the kids every weekend will you still have freedom to enjoy your own life? or do the different patterns not make too much difference to you?