I am Sad36 a 36yo man and loving father/husband, my wife is 33 we have been together 13years and married 11. We have a D13 and a D10 & S10 (twins).Just under two weeks ago my wife slept with another man. While we have had a liberal relationship this broke our rules and really rocked me. Since then while I tried to cope she then went off and spent 24hrs with him last Saturday. Then on Monday morning she said I needed a few days away. On Wednesday we spoke I was told we shouldn't live together. I'm currently at my sisters house scheduled for therapy and on anti-anxiety medication. However today I was reading about MLC and realised every single thing matched, finally I realised I wasn't going insane! We did used to have fun, I am not solely to blame, or restricting her!
So I then came across this forum and thought it looked a nice place! DB ordered and arrives tomorrow.
Mean time we are meant to tell the kids Saturday... I am seeing her tomorrow as I was meant to stay at home and have the kids Saturday, she claims to go to a freinds house bug I know it's to meet this guy. I have decided though that I am doing what makes me happy and No1 on that list is my kids. So I am moving back in. I am going to make up a bed downstairs but I am sleeping in that house. I then plan to follow the 37 rules.
My first question would be should I push for our bedroom (alone obviously) or should I offer to camp out?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I don't really have any useful advice being new to this forum but I wanted to tell you that I have been through the affair thing and the 37 rules do work. It helps the affair person get their head out of the clouds. Once you are off their radar and living your own life and not crying and blubbering over them, once they realize what they stand to lose, they come back around, at least that's what happened for me.
I just wish the results had been permanent for me. 12 years later... here I am... posting on this forum.. *sigh*
Me: 56 H: 60 M: 32 yrs Not separated, I am seriously thinking of leaving Sons: 3, all grown
Thanks, it's just nice to know I'm not alone. I am about to tell her I am back in the family home to stay after a couple of hours... I am expecting fireworks but am resolved to stay calm and positive. I will update and let you all know how it goes as soon as I can!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Ok so she got very angry, telling me that I realised nothing and that I was being very selfish! Still what did I expect right? Sadly I had hope that she might have changed or stepped back from the abyss. She claimed earlier that she was going to a freinds house to stay on Saturday but I know she's meeting the other guy. She has gone to her freinds house tonight were she will doubtless enjoy wine and complaining about what a horrible person I am.
Still I must be positive I expected that response and she only packed for a couple of days. Plus I am back in my house with my children who I adore! Just desperate for my copy of DB to start making changes in my life. That mean I will be happy if/when she realises her insanity.
Am I right to move back in to work on this? Will she come back once the anger wares off and she's had her fun Saturday with him.
I also find it so hard to take, I'm in ok shape but this guy is 25 ripped physique and drives a new BMW.... All of which was more me when we met... But I have given up flash cars for a nice house and family...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
To be honest guys, I just need someone to tell me I will feel better one day. At the moment it feels like in two weeks my entire life and everything I thought I knew has been flushed down the toilet.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. A DB coach will help you navigate all of these emotions & help you figure out the best next steps. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done!
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Sorry you're having such a rough time. Most people on the forum will advise you not to move out of your home. But there are pros and cons to actually sharing a home during a time like this. Sometimes a S can help. If your read some of the sitches on the forum, you'll get a feel for the range of circumstances people are in.
It's good that you have ordered DB. I made many mistakes before I read DB and DR. I found DR most helpful of the two - more up to date, and with specific chapters on infidelity, MLC etc. So, you may want to move on to that one next.
Incidentally, many of us on the forum are unsure whether our S's are simply having an A, or are in MLC. But best not to try and diagnose that....and certainly don't suggest to your W that she may be in MLC either. But, either way, the principles of DBing are the same.
When you first start on the forum, it can be a bit slow to get going....but the more you post and keep up with other people's situations, the more support you'll get. There are a fair few of us on here from the UK too.
Chin up. It's very early days for you. It will take time and will be tough - but you will get there. T :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am sorry that you are here but you'll find a bunch of goofy and supportive people! You'll figure out who is goofy in due time.
First things first...why don't you change your screenname to a different monkier? Sad is ....well sad!
What makes you "think" that your W is in MLC? I am just curious as to how you arrived at this conclusion. A MLCer and a WAS are two separate ball of waxes.
To get more traffic to your thread, it would be helpful for you to visit other threads that resonate with you and post in them. Give and take cycle...ya know.
Hi sad, sorry you're here but welcome. Another uk'er here. Keep posting and we'll be here to help.
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
. . . While we have had a liberal relationship this broke our rules . . .
Um, you kinda glossed over what I'm sensing is a pretty important part of your backstory, Sad36. Were you guys swingers or something? Were you a cuckold?
Ordinarily, I almost always advice a strong, immediate, "I will not live in an open marriage" stance but obviously if you ALREADY had some sort of an open arrangement, that flies out the window.
I think we need some more background on this if we are to help you. In the meantime, YES move back into your home and YES move back into your marital bed.
