Hey GB, Karma, Gwen! Hope you guys are well. Thanks for sticking with me.
Job! That was good stuff! I have a sore wrist. I've been snapping away at it.
Things are OK. I can literally feel myself getting stronger and detaching at a much quicker pace. It is actually unbelievable (to me). I don't think I would want to reread where I have been as of late. Yikes! Not a good place. Definitely not one I ever care to return to.
I have been taking things in stride. Last night I went to d13's induction (with a gathering after). Xh and I sat together (people are definitely confused- join the club... I am not only a member... I'm also the president). Of course, d13's friends parents )who are friends with hww's family) were there. But, really none of it makes me sweat. No skin off my back. And, quite frankly, the last thing I care about is what anyone thinks or says about me. I mean... if they've got time to worry about my life, what's that say about theirs? It was fine. (No one really spoke to me until xh left. Oh well, whatever) (But I do kind of feel badly for xh. I'm sure he doesn't care, like I don't, but man... I guess people see what a mess he has made. That's a lot to live with. But he will get there...)
Now, here is one funny thing. Last year, right around this time, xh told me (during a conversation) he wouldn't care if I were with someone else. I asked, wouldn't that bother you? He said he didn't know. I said, really? He said, No, it wouldn't bother me. He had conviction in his voice (along with when he said lots of things that time period!).
Not long after that, one of d13's dad's had made a comment that I was pretty. It got back to xh. Not long after that, xh was grumbling stuff about the guy. Well, he was there last night. Xh called him a creep. I asked why. He said, well as soon as he found out you were separated, he was trying to creep and and was saying things things about you. I guess maybe it did bother him.
So, when I got home later, xh truck was gone. I didn't even look at first, and not intentionally. I wasn't even thinking about it. I got out of the car and unintentionally notice it wasn't there. I didn't even let it phase me. I was talking and laughing with d13, and I just carried on doing so while going into the house.
I did, however, have some moments during the induction. The guest speaker was a grad of the school district. She was a 2009 grad, so she was in hs with hww. She looked so young and beautiful. It made me feel very old and self conscious. But, I talked myself out of it. Then, watching d13, I just thought about how old she is getting... my baby. I wonder, sometimes, if I am starting to have my own MLC! I just started to feel some anxiety or something. Right before bd, and right after I found out I wasn't going to have more kids, I came to this acceptance. My life was bout kids for so long, and I love it and wanted it to continue. But, with the realization that my life was changing as my kids were getting older, I looked forward to what was to come. Xh and I finally getting to enjoy ourselves. We had kids so young, but now we could enjoy ourselves. We were secure, had $ in the bank, yadda.
So when I saw d13, and how grown up she is, I got this overwhelming saddness. This is it for me. A few more years with my kids. Xh has a long way to go. And doing it without me makes me sad. Then, thinking he will still be in kid mode, and me... I will be alone. ALONE! I got this incredible sense of being alone for the next part of my life. I started to tear up, right there, but I pulled myself together. I said (in my crazy, mixed-up head), SHUT UP, MIGHTY. SUCK IT UP! ENJOY NOW! So I did.
Today was better than yesterday. I can feel the gradual progression. I am aware, that it isn't a linear process. I will have setbacks and downfalls. But, I'm on the move. Wherever that is...
Ya know, Mighty, you're not going to be alone unless you want to be.
You could end up with a guy who has younger kids. Or you could decide once your kids are gone to foster or adopt another.
When mine were all out of the house, I didn't have empty nest - I was kinda relieved not to have to make dinner every night, and supervise homework, and have time for ME. I was going through the divorce then.
But now, I do notice that sometimes, I'll read a story online about a needy teen and think "I could adopt them"! NOT actually something I want to do now, but I could see myself, when I'm semi-retired or retired, doing something like that.
OK, so I was doing a little reading last night. I know my focus is me now. I have an amazing support group here to help keep me focused on that.
Yet, I know there is so much documented information about the trend of mlc. What may happen, some things they go through, what may or may not be expected.
I haven't seen too much current information on the latter end of mlc in the more recent forums. I could be completely wrong... However, there is lots of good stuff in the archives. I do need to update and read further along with the stages. I had read so much last year, and felt, not only that xh had checked off mlc behaviors, triggers, and stages as he was digging his way through the tunnel, but I hadn't gotten that far in my knowledge.
I think circumstances sent xh into.... well... I don't know... just... maybe put a damper on replay?? Reality check, perhaps?
So, when xh came flying back into my life in November, I was not prepared. That is an understatement. I was catapulted into a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, insanity... whatever... I hit it. It was unexpected. Everything I learned got away from me. My knowledge of mlc did not reach that far.
I don't want that to happen again. I know that it set me back. Big time. So I need to know. It will not be a distraction of my own goals and journey. It is to prepare myself for the unexpected. I know that things I learn may or may not happen, but I would hate to be thrown into another battlefield without proper armor and training.
What I did find last night was a thread which was pretty interesting. "The Final Stages... Withdrawal to acceptance"
OH- wait! I know I have said recently that the actions and behaviors of xh recently are quite reminiscent of the ones he showed while transitioning out of this r (and unfortunately into the dreaded one). Well, it so happens that it was actually around this time last year. It is weird to experience this again, the same behaviors right around the same time. It makes me uncomfortable. I am not sure what it means, or if it means anything. But, I just don't want it to last too long. I dreaded it last year and reliving it again is terrible. But, I am stronger and wiser. And, now I know I will be fine without him.
OK, back... rewind... thread I found.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: Snodderly
Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. This comes from the TMAK reconnection thread and again explains what the LBS'er must do during this time. This is all for a "normal" withdrawal and reconnection process.
I would think for most MLC'ers this would be the advice to follow by the LBS. Part of the problem is that it is such a SLOW process that many LBS'ers become impatient and want to DO something to push the MLC'er through the tunnel. They will only come out when they are ready no sooner.
^^^ Yeah, about that. I don't think that I was really pressuring, per se... but I was trying to figure things out and wrap my head around what happened. Again... I was a mess.
Quote:
HB wrote the 6 stages this is an excerpt from withdrawal stage
Originally Posted By: Heart Blessing from 6 stages
During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.
Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time
They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.
What cadet quoted is a contradiction of the instructions that HB originally wrote. See bold highlighted above. You only follow the contradiction when the MLC'er is STUCK in the tunnel during WITHDRAWAL STAGE.
If you do it at some other time when they are not stuck you risk driving them deeper into the tunnel. This is why this is a difficult concept to grasp.
IB for you this is information to file away for possible future use, it is not something that you want to think about now. You are reading up on advanced MLC class. Do not try this at home without parental supervision. LOL!
I hope that clears up what we are writing about. Just to further clariy. Upsides H is stuck in withdrawal and needs to be led home by the LBS'er just the way HB wrote in the original 6 stages. But the leading is a little bit different than everything else that we have learned. I guess it is part of basic DB'ing - "Do what works".
What I know is this..
Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.
Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)
Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.
He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.
Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.
These, my friends, are some of the factors which result in replay (and the trials of life combined)!
Me, and my own insecurities and craziness... I just need to step off. I need to know that whatever happens will happen. I will be OK. There is nothing I can do to change his process, other than make it worse.
I am also remembering the mindset which I had once I gained after bd. That if he wants to be in my life, he will find a way to make it happen. I often wonder if that's what I want. Or is it fear of rejection which sometimes drives me. My insecurities get the best of me, which have been my biggest downfall.
But I find confidence, now, thinking about these things. I can't stand what he did to me. I am not the one who needs to fix that. I need to fix me. But, I am not going to do THAT work for him. Not his mistakes. I have to forgive. I have to let that go. No matter what. I cannot walk around for the rest of my life carrying the weight of this damage. But I am worth the effort. I don't know that he has it in him. Maybe he doesn't want to. And that is OK. It would never work any other way. I just simply can't be the force to do all the work. I have lots to do. But, so does he.
I know I want to be happy. I want a healthy r. I want to be strong. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for things I can get/do myself. A relationship should be a compliment of each other, not an entitlement of what is deserved.
I will keep reading some of the older stuff. It is very helpful to me at this time. I will continue to post things here about it too. I feel it is helpful to my journey, and possibly, to someone else's too.
I am such a dummy. I get so side-tracked! I just posted this above, but had forgotten where I was headed with it...
Quote:
What I know is this..
Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.
Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)
Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.
He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.
Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.
OK, since all of this has happened (it's been a little over 3 weeks since baby was born and a little over 2 months since he reached out to me expressing regret, then left hww), he has taken some major steps back.
He said he wished he hadn't told me all the stuff he had. He said he meant it, but he spoke too soon.
He also said that he is not even thinking about a r now- with anyone. *** I read this last night, that it was typical of MLCer at this point (whatever "stage" he is in) to not think at all of a r. I seemed to have misplaced this info... I will continue to look. But that is exactly what xh has expressed.
I know I misconstrued his actions and words as confusion as to which family he should be with (could be possible), which is why I asked him if he was thinking of going back. He said he couldn't say. To me, I was floored! I said, "but you painted a picture of unhappiness and misery. You said you were totally miserable there." He said, "I was." I said, "Then why don't you know?" He expressed that he does not know what he is doing and isn't thinking about that at all.
OK, NO Friggin pressure! Back off. And that's what I've done. (But is was my insecurities and rejection with nerve endings exposed.)
The info to me was helpful because, although he may be considering returning there, not returning here, whatever, it made it clear that it is possible that he truly can't even think of any of that at this point. Stepping back and looking at it from a more objective point of view has helped me realize this. I see all he is trying to process - while processing through mlc mind - and I can step away to let that process happen.
Yes He needs space and time. You figure out what you need and focus on your kids. I hate the emotional roller coaster get off ASAP
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
WHO ARE YOU? I'm dying. You are absolutely cracking me up. "I'm not only the President, I'm also a member". Can I just hang out with you, please?
You are one of the most verbally charismatic beings I have ever known. I have this mental image of you typing your posts here....sparks flying from your fingers... Gorgeous flowing hair waving into your face until you push it or flip it out of your eyes...all the while talking to yourself....wait, no....ARGUING with yourself as you get your thoughts out of your head and in front of your face. You're the coolest thing ever.
^^^ That chick there is freaking awesome. And happens to be going thru he!!. Keep reminding yourself it's not going to be this way forever.
You're a star, Mighty. An incredibly brilliant woman with a golden heart, and you're hysterically funny. Sooooooo....smart, funny, gorgeous....the trifecta. You have everything going for you, and you'll see it again one day.
The only way through this is through it. You WILL get there.
Keep going, Mighty. You sound so driven. Outside of reading, etc....what things have you planned for yourself? Anything fun lately?
You are one of the most verbally charismatic beings I have ever known. I have this mental image of you typing your posts here....sparks flying from your fingers... Gorgeous flowing hair waving into your face until you push it or flip it out of your eyes...all the while talking to yourself....wait, no....ARGUING with yourself as you get your thoughts out of your head and in front of your face. You're the coolest thing ever.
OMG, Shining! Your mental image is so accurate! Wow- spot on, girl! Like, Miss Cleo-type psychic abilities!
Awwww... but thank you... you are so sweet. I'm just trying to keep up with you, my dear! BTW... I have tried that contact you told me to do... and it ain't workin!
Quote:
Outside of reading, etc....what things have you planned for yourself? Anything fun lately?
Check this out, boo... I hung with a friend last weekend, lots of laughs. Going out with the girls tomorrow. It's the chocolate and wine night downtown! These are a few of my favorite things!! (In my best Julie Andrews voice... which sounds... nothing like Julie Andrews).
I am hoping to meet up with Heather soon. I know she has a lot going on now, too. But it might be a good break for both of us.
I wanted to take the kids ice skating this weekend (Hellur.. you know where I live and I've never taken them! Bad momma!) But they informed me tonight they aren't down with it.
Looking to possibly take a short trip with the kids in February. Have a lot going on with work, busy with kids things. But, feeling good about getting back into gal. I struggled (again) for awhile with gal. This week- I'm feeling it.
Mmmm hmmmm... livin like a rock star. I'm gonna need to seriously consider slowing down soon. Not.
It is all so confusing trying to make sense out of their nonsense Mighty. It makes our heads spin. That's why keeping a safe distance away is important. Otherwise we are just going round and round with them.
My kids are all grown and out of the house now. We have great relationships and I see them about once a week. You have lots still to look forward to.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
