Ok thank you guys, this such a bad situation and to still love and want my W is painful. Especially knowing I have a very long road Ahead.
So this morning I saw her coming through the gate and she didn't look happy at all, actually really pissed. I know I have done or said anything to her besides that little flirt email yesterday. And then I get a cordial email this morning about me going to see my family for the funeral and how she still wants to book it for me cause she uses paypal.
I accepted this and thanked her for the help during this rough time. She then responded with thanking me for setting aside time today for her to come back to the house and pack. Baby steps and at least communication happened.
I just wonder if I should talk with her while she is there about the open thing M thing. Maybe ask a few ice breakers and if she lies state those feeling and boundaries. I know I am leave for about a week and so is she. Would it be good timing to make her think. Or just let her go on trip and when we are back address it the next time she lies to me.
Ok thank you guys, this such a bad situation and to still love and want my W is painful. Especially knowing I have a very long road Ahead.
So this morning I saw her coming through the gate and she didn't look happy at all, actually really pissed. I know I have done or said anything to her besides that little flirt email yesterday. And then I get a cordial email this morning about me going to see my family for the funeral and how she still wants to book it for me cause she uses paypal.
I accepted this and thanked her for the help during this rough time. She then responded with thanking me for setting aside time today for her to come back to the house and pack. Baby steps and at least communication happened.
I just wonder if I should talk with her while she is there about the open thing M thing. Maybe ask a few ice breakers and if she lies state those feeling and boundaries. I know I am leave for about a week and so is she. Would it be good timing to make her think. Or just let her go on trip and when we are back address it the next time she lies to me.
Go on a vacation and don't talk to her for a week. During this time it's great for her to lose her emotional support from you and depend upon the OM for it. Also it is best that she pay her own bills or let the OM do it.
Not talking to her will be good for your emotional state as you focus on the things you need to be doing.
Baby steps and at least communication happened. A word of caution: Careful what you consider "improvements" - or "baby steps" - when your W is having an A. (I had a problem with this, too, when my H was wayward.) A lot of times, a WAW who is in an A will be nice to "temp check" you - to see if she still has you on a string. This leads to "cake-eating." That is NOT an improvement. In fact, it's a big step back. You want your W to RESPECT you, not PLAY you. If you're acting all happy and pleased with the crumbs she's throwing you to keep you hooked, she will lose respect for you very quickly. And that is the ONE thing you cannot afford for your W to lose if your goal is to save your M.
I just wonder if I should talk with her while she is there about the open thing M thing. You are going to try to split this hair a million ways, and you'll convince yourself that your situation is unique. How do I know? Because your situation is not all that unique. And pretty much everybody here, when they first arrive, tries to reason that their situation is different and requires a "different" strategy. You'll still get the same response from us, and it's right out of the DB book: NO R TALKS! Do not instigate this talk. Do not get yourself trapped in one if W instigates one. Your ONLY job is all that's already been detailed. If W, while she's at the house, says something like: "Well, I've been staying with (insert friend's name) to 'find myself,'" you look her dead in the face, lock eyes, put your hand up and say, "W, no. You and I BOTH know you're lying to me right now. I know all about you and OM. What you're doing is disrespectful to me and to our marriage." And WALK AWAY. Do NOT get suckered into any further R talk.
This is also important: Do not tell her what you know. Do not tell her HOW you know. That information is for you and you alone.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Be mindful that until your W lies to your face - on her own accord, without you trying to prompt it - your job is to look nice, smell nice, have mysterious places to be with mysterious people to meet. Be positive and upbeat and NEIGHBORLY-friendly to W. But don't get into chit-chat with her. Don't stand around and offer to help her. Don't look like a lost puppy-dog or a wet noodle. Be MOVING, at all times.
If SHE mentions where she's been staying - or something of that nature - THEN pull out "strength-and-honor" broken ... who, to W, is not gonna look so "broken" all a sudden.
Trust the process.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Ahhhh ok I was not understanding. Now I see. Bring it up only and only if she brings something up and lies about it. I will follow that plan. I need to get the book and read it. Guess I need to change my amazon p/w so she will not know what I am reading. Thanks for everything. Any time she sends me a email I am polite but short sweet and to the point. Nothing emo or personal. Just validation, appreciation for an action and being polite and too the point.
