Be sure to do it upon ROCK-SOLID evidence, or a rock-solid 100% sure she's lying to you at that moment, moment. Yep. broken, don't think you need to break your neck to throw that boundary out there RIGHT NOW. I mean, yes, I agree, it's imperative that you state to your W that you will not live in an open M. If I were you, I would commit to memory exactly the "sample statement" that Starsky gave you. Practice it if you have to. You don't want your voice to shake when you say it.
This isn't as hard as it may seem. You decide what your non-negotiable, core beliefs and values are. Sounds to me like living in an open M goes against your non-negotiable values. So, essentially, you place boundaries around YOU and your heart to protect YOURSELF from living in an open M and from compromising your non-negotiable, core beliefs and values. Does that make sense?
Be strong and firm and resolved when it comes to that. You're not being *mean*. You're being *resolved*. That side needs to come out any time W, as Starsky said, is outright lying to you. But you don't have to bring it up, out of the blue, TODAY. There's a certain urgency about putting your boundary out there. But don't bring up a R talk just to tell her that you won't live in an open M. I am a firm believer that your moment will come to NATURALLY put that out there, and you will know when it does.
Then, go right back to being neighborly and upbeat. You're not trying to control your W. You're trying to protect yourself and also be the best version of yourself. In time, that could re-attract your W. If it doesn't - and I know you don't want to think about this right now - you'll eventually re-attract someone who will treat you better. And, whichever is to be, you'll have a whole new "emotional toolbox" and skill-set to work with to make your relationships much better.
And THAT is how it works.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I don't think she knows about her being there now. I mean the initial sleeping with him EA yes. But now she is supposed to be at a friends place fixing herself. But I know she has been with him off and on. Splitting nights. Don't think she is aware I know.
Ok thank you so much. I actually wrote it down verbatim. If and when we talk I will express myself. And then leave it at that. And if she still continues do you suggest I file for D?
Okay. Just know that once she KNOWS that you know (the moment she lies to you, and you put down your boundary), you gotta put on your game-face for the long-haul.
Is your evidence that she's currently spending time with him ROCK-SOLID?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
If you're SURE of this, then there's no hurry. Just wait for the next time she lies to your face about the OM and the affair. However, if a cheating spouse -- particularly a wife -- knows that her husband knows, and he doesn't be unequivocal in his boundary, I personally believe that deep damage is done.
Women tie their feelings of love for a man very closely to their feelings of RESPECT, and if he loses that, she will quickly lose attraction and love for him.
Filing for D? That's a biggie. Let's cross that bridge if/when you get there. I'd think you have a way to go before you add THAT worry onto your already-full plate.
I generally would say: Don't file for D unless you're ready and willing to deal with the natural consequences of that. But if you are sure of your non-negotiable, core beliefs and values - and your W continues to live in an A and stomp all over your stated boundaries about living in an open M - then the next obvious step is to file for D.
Starsky went that route. I filed for legal S. (In NC, we have to wait 12 months after being legally S to file for D.)
I don't want to jump the gun on that quite yet, though. Sometimes, it DOES take some pressure off the WAS ... and sometimes it really seems to be the kick-in-the-pants they need. But I'd never file to get a reaction out of my WAS. I'd only file if/when I was willing and ready to be D.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
However, if a cheating spouse -- particularly a wife -- knows that her husband knows, and he doesn't be unequivocal in his boundary, I personally believe that deep damage is done.
Women tie their feelings of love for a man very closely to their feelings of RESPECT, and if he loses that, she will quickly lose attraction and love for him.
Bingo. This woman agrees completely.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
