So I am divorced.

[lost18]

Sounds positive!

Thought of you the other day when I was reading a post (I believe by Underdog). She stated that she knew at least 5 couples that remarried after divorce. You seem to be doing the right thing and working on you. Good luck with your start up!

Also, re the FB status, touchy subject for me but in the overall scheme of things does it really matter? My H changed his to single in April or May and we're still married....change it or don't, the suggestion about making it private may be a good option. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

[mahhhty]

Thanks All.

Lost & NewB3... I think you are definitely right. Make it private and take that issue out. Therefore, I won't have to deal with it. Matter of fact I will do that right now... DONE. I think I did it right.

Squiggy... I need more time to redefine my 180s and my plan. But I am thinking about it consistently.

Had a thought provoking IC session today. We talked about the letter. IC believes it was good I didn't send it, he also believes that it is an analysis of our situation and not how I feel in my heart. I would have to agree with him. I told him that I don't know how to tell her what is in my heart. He then asked me, what is in there... I said I miss her, I do love her unconditionally, that I am proud that in a time she didn't have a voice, she found one and was very brave, and how although she was brave I do believe she was wrong (meaning we had something that we should have fought for it instead of divorce). He was of the opinion that a time and a place will occur in which I will have an opportunity to tell her that. That time is not now, as it is still too early.

Talked about a conversation I had with my sister. My sister told me last weekend that my default position in decisions is whatever will make the people I am around happiest. AKA I go out of my way to make other happy, regardless of if I am happy or not. He asked me if this is true, and I said definitely. We then discussed the times I have done that with the STBX during this process. He said she may think your kindness is a weakness and will then come to expect that level of leeway.

Next was me... in the past couple months I have gone almost 30 days w/out a drink (before the hike), worked out almost 30 times in 50 days (before the hike), I am also close to a 6 pack which is something I always wanted but never had, worked hard on my startup which is my passion, started saying no to work travel, and most importantly I have a better relationship with both of my kids! We started talking about all that. Perhaps none of that was possible without this. It wasn't until I felt complete loss that I was able to make significant life changes. That is an astonishing concept. My challenge is to keep it going and moving forward in the face of adversity.

Lastly, we talked about her. I told him that I feel like I am still mulling over the same issues. I don't know if she told me the complete picture to our divorce, I don't know at what point she made the decision to leave me, or at what point she was really unhappy or why. These have been my issues since day 1. He reiterated that I may not ever know. Perhaps it isn't for me to know. I have to accept that. He asked me if I wanted to talk to her or listen to her. I definitely want to listen, to hear her side unedited. However, I am an engineer and being me, I am afraid that I would try to "fix" or "discuss the solutions," instead of truly listening. That is definitely one of my 180s.

Regardless, the take away from today was... even though I am mulling over the same issues, positive change has happened. At times, I want instantaneous change, but this is not a sprint. It is a marathon.

My challenge is to ensure that it continues. To ensure that I am always moving in the positive direction and making my time on this planet worthwhile!

[mahhhty]

I've been a little down and out lately. My lower back has been acting up and all this snow has been keeping me inside. I need to get out do some yoga and go skiing (need skis and boats first though).

She is constantly on my mind. Our nightly talks with the kids are more friendly and she is keeping me in the loop with their activities when I am not around, sending me pictures and what not. I appreciate that.

Saturday, I cleaned out the closet (we have a walk in), which was 60% filled with her clothes that she left behind. I put them in bags and need to get them out. It was tough and I had been putting it off for a long time. It seemed that she didn't clean her side of the closet once since moving in (2010). This seemed ironic to me. A metaphor for all of her clutter that she hasn't dealt with perhaps.

Furthermore, I found stuff from our wedding. The homework we received from the person who married us. The writeup of all the speeches. The homework assignment was intriguing. We had to write 10 qualities about ourselves and 10 qualities about each other. My 10th quality about myself was that I have a short temper, her's was that she is passive aggressive. Sounds fairly accurate. The speeches were overall lovely and thoughtful. One piece that got me, was that her father stated that two people must continue to fall in and out of love throughout there lives together. That spoke to me, as she has professed that she is not in love with me.

It's unfortunate that a LBS just wants to make an impact (what action will get the biggest bang for your buck), but that it doesn't work like that. I need to continue to make consistent changes and live by Sandi's rules. And change the notion that turning my life around isn't about getting her back, but it is about me. I know this is true, I know my life has already improved in all areas. However, my motivation for this change is the hope that somehow she finds the way home, and not me.

[Little]

*hug*

[lost18]

I think you're doing great. It's ok feel to down, I'd be worried if you didn't. Just don't live there (like me lol)


"However, my motivation for this change is the hope that somehow she finds the way home, and not me."

I think this is normal, as long as your changes are things that you WANT to change and aren't going against your morals and values. Keep living your changes and it will eventually be more and more about you and less and less about her.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Little!
Lost - I think you are right! I definitely struggle & sometimes talk myself in circles.

Just had an email exchange about Easter weekend with the STBX. I am looking for some help in my communication with her. I am trying to validate and to not fix all problems and not try to take away her voice, but she is really pushing for control over all situations at all times. I am starting to think my kindness is seen as a weakness that she believes she can bully me into submission.

First email from STBX: "I keep forgetting to send this over...the only sticky week, like I was telling you, is the last week of March where I have an event at the beginning of the week and on top of that Easter is the following weekend. The paperwork says I have the kids on Easter for odd years. I think you either have that Friday or Monday off, I can't remember?"

My response: "STBX,
After the last couple 1 night stands, I don’t think those are great for the kids. I think we should give them more stability. The first and second week in April I would like to change, so that there aren’t any 1 night instances. The easiest way I see to do this is to trade days 4/2 & 4/3 with 4/6 & 4/7, as well as, you keeping them Saturday and I will pick them up in the morning (8-9) on Sunday. I am open to other suggestions as well. My holiday is Friday.

The attachment shows what you identified on the left and what I am suggesting on the right.

Thanks."

Her Response: "Hi. That is fine, but I would like them until 2:00pm on Easter. Attached is the revised version."

My Response: "I am not interested in seeing them less. Please propose something else. Or go back to the original schedule."

Hers: "I was already for-fitting time because of my work trip at the beginning of the week? In the parenting plan, the kids are with me for Easter morning. If you compare days in this three week period, you have them much more than I do. So it is very upsetting that you are coming after me for wanting to spend 5 hours with them on Easter."

Mine: "I don’t understand the question in the first sentence. Let me know if you would like me to address something there.

I am sorry that you feel as if I am “coming after you.” As I am the one who brought forth the alteration to your schedule, it isn’t clear me why you would feel that way. My motivation was for the children only.

I understand that you believe the Parenting Plan should take precedence. Thats fine, please resume the original schedule you came up with.

Comparing any 3 weeks isn’t a valid comparison and will always be skewed, as we have a two week rotating schedule. It will only be equal or approximately equal every 2, 4, 6 (even) number of weeks. To illustrate I took a normal three week period and attached it."

[Squiggy]

I think you did well in keeping to your boundaries and standing up for the time with your children. You're actually doing much better now than you were when you first arrived. Keep sticking to it and don't stop.

[mahhhty]

I appreciate that Squiggy.

Here is her response to my last email: "If your motivation was for the children only, then you would be fine with picking them up at 2pm on Easter (in the revised schedule) so that they can see me in them morning and avoid one-nighters."

How do I respond to this? Her logic is astounding. Apparently, I should give up my time with the kids now as well.

[mahhhty]

Definitely need some help on responding to her. Perhaps I should just ignore it. Or state please use the original schedule. However, below is my rant response. Which I probably shouldn't send.

"We were good parents b/c we collaborated on our parenting style and approach. We worked together. I would like to be able to collaborate on the schedule, without this level of reactivity and defensiveness. Your statement is hurtful, I do not understand your motivation for saying such a thing. As you know the time we get to spend with the kids is the most important thing and something we look forward to always.

My vacation day is Friday, and therefore, the change I proposed I would lose a full day with the kids, also I wouldn't get to see them on Saturday and none of that time would be made up. That was a compromise. You were obviously okay with the original schedule as you published it, if you don't find value in the change I proposed simply state that.

We have signed the paperwork, we have closed on the house, I have done all that you have wanted. Yet this remains, perhaps it is too soon to be nonreactive. I do not know your motivation to say such things. I do not understand your anger. When you are ready to tell me about all the fuel in your fire, I am ready to listen."

[mahhhty]

Just had some food and took a break. Much needed break.

I am going to go with something along these lines. "I am motivated to do what is right for the children, spending time with them and making memories. I am assuming as we did not agree that the original schedule stands."

Detaching response with no justification and no persuasion.