Calibri (3)

[TLEE86]

C you stood for your M because you wanted it, and I believe still want, it to work. You wanted to know that if it ended you did everything in the world possible an in your power to make sure you gave it your all. You will never regret that choice, no matter the outcome.

I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to have filed for S to protect your assets but if you aren't sure of what will happen, that's probably te best...

What's next for you? Next step in all this? I don't think you should stop DBing because at te end of the day, it's still for you. Echoing Zelda, would you take him back if this shocks him into reality?

[Vanilla]

Calibri

Today is today. Sounds obvious really when put that way!

Please look after today and when you get to tomorrow that will be today! Look after that day. One day at a time.

In these sitches with these complicated wayward spouses with multiple issues there is no knowing what will happen, good or bad. No sense in fretting over it.

We do what we do for today.

Vanilla

[Calibri]

Ok ya'll, I feel so manic right now. Please bear with me.

I need support. H surprisingly agreed to meet me tonight to talk about the time sensitive matter (shocked the hell out of me, I asked for a phone call or in person -- he said in person. I'll roll with it, until he backs out) (IE: me letting him know I filed for separation, and to clarify how he would like to get the paperwork). I know this is a little odd as I had to pull the trigger first and most of us are on the receiving end of the news I'm about to give to my H.

Having said this -- how do I do this? What do I say? I want to be totally DBesq. I want to do this in a dignified manner that leaves the door open for either of us, should we want to revisit down the road. We have eight months before we can file for D.

For some reason, I am caught up in the delivery of this. I think it's because I honor and respect him enough to talk to his face. And while he doesn't necessarily deserve the respect that I'm giving him.....I was was raised better than this. I am better than this. And I'm not going to stoop to his mothers/his level.

On the plus side, I was out of clean work clothes, so I inadvertently look stunning in a form fitting little back dress and boots that H has always found incredibly hot.

----

And on a completely unrelated note -- I signed up for a personal dressing website that chooses clothes for you online. I got my first delivery this morning. The note from the stylist said, "this blue and black top would look super cute with jeans and heals for a date night."

The irony is not lost on me. At all.

[Ss06]

well, Calibri, I can't advise you because I'm in the same predicament...

How do I talk to this man?

I like the idea that you're preparing to be dignified and respectful. Remember to validate but don't feel the need to explain yourself excessively.

Beyond that, I'm following this thread because I need similar advice.

Hang in there. We're jumping together, Calibri.

[Sotto]

Hi Calibri, a couple of weeks ago, I was setting out points that I would want to make in the event I ask my H for a D...if you want to have a look in the infidelity section.

Good luck for tonight x

[Mozza]

I'm sure you go there with the intention of talking, but try to go there to listen. DB advises that any meeting should be seen as information gathering. There seems to be a lot unsaid between the two of you.

First, you should check all the information that you have. From what I understand, HE hasn't told you directly that he wants to D. You heard it from his mom and you have some way to know HE knows what his mom told you. Hence, try to calmly verify this information. Ask if he told his mom to call you, ask what he told her to say, etc. I've been surprised countless times when I asked for clarifications from the source — my interpretation was all wrong, as clear as it was to me.

Also, you're very forceful and now you're upset. And you're facing a people pleaser. To me, the biggest risk is that he'll tell you what you want to hear (then change it tomorrow). You'll need to come across as accepting and especially not upset, whatever he tell you. You need to take it with a poker face so that he keeps talking. This is how you'll know what he really wants. Not by saying "Tell me the truth this time!" He'll just try to tell you what you want to hear so that you don't get more upset. The way you describe his mom, I'm not surprised he has developed this coping mechanism over the years.

This gives you the option of waiting until later, when you have verified all the information, to tell him that you have filed. Perhaps you'll change your mind, perhaps you'll decide to wait. I just hope you can be patient for a few minutes before you drop it.

Seen from here, you're very impulsive. You'll probably disagree, but filing within days because he had some flirty exchanges and tried to cover them is way below the standards of this board and, more importantly, the timeline is not what's advisable. You need to absorb any information and not jump to conclusions ("It's over! This is my life! We're done!") until you have digested it and gained some perspective. I told you before that you are controlling and this reaction is yet another example. You're taking back control of the whole thing under the guise of "protecting yourself". You couldn't wait for him to serve you the papers. You've not described any behavior from H that suggests he's a threat to you. My WAW has been gone for over 4 months and yet I haven't filed anything because I don't see any threats and I've been right so far. So it's not a catch-all excuse, it needs to be demonstrated as relevant to your case.

Come to think of it, he just promised his IC that he would not talk to you without an intermediary, yet you ask for a meeting and he agrees. Is it that he really goes along with whatever he's been told last?

[Vanilla]

I can only suggest that the vets will kick in:

I am uncertain that you are clear enough in your objectives on this. It feels muddled and reactive. A text that you need to have some paperwork sent to him and where would he like it sent. This would be my choice.

I am also concerned that this could go very badly wrong for you. If I were H then this might feel like controlling behaviour. Mza has good analysis on this.

Be clear and factual H , I am arranging to have an agreement drafted and delivered to you in the next x days. Where would you like to have these documents delivered? Shall I use your work address or some other?

You could do this by email or text or let your L do it. My recommendation is to leave this, I feel delivering this news in person might seem vengeful or wanting to view H reaction.
V

[Calibri]

I'm sure you go there with the intention of talking, but try to go there to listen. DB advises that any meeting should be seen as information gathering. There seems to be a lot unsaid between the two of you.

Absolutely, it's all about gathering information. I intend to start with that.

First, you should check all the information that you have. From what I understand, HE hasn't told you directly that he wants to D. You heard it from his mom and you have some way to know HE knows what his mom told you. Hence, try to calmly verify this information. Ask if he told his mom to call you, ask what he told her to say, etc. I've been surprised countless times when I asked for clarifications from the source — my interpretation was all wrong, as clear as it was to me.

I agree completely. Thank you for reminding me of those notes.

And you're facing a people pleaser. To me, the biggest risk is that he'll tell you what you want to hear (then change it tomorrow). You'll need to come across as accepting and especially not upset, whatever he tell you. You need to take it with a poker face so that he keeps talking. This is how you'll know what he really wants. Not by saying "Tell me the truth this time!" He'll just try to tell you what you want to hear so that you don't get more upset. The way you describe his mom, I'm not surprised he has developed this coping mechanism over the years.

I agree, and thank you for bringing that point up. I plan on asking and listening. There's no point in asking for the truth, because there's no guarantee that I will get the truth. Or, I may get the version of his truth right now.

This gives you the option of waiting until later, when you have verified all the information, to tell him that you have filed. Perhaps you'll change your mind, perhaps you'll decide to wait. I just hope you can be patient for a few minutes before you drop it.

I'm going to open with him having the opportunity to talk. Trust me, I'm not going to go in there bomb drop all over him. Having been there before, I'm not going to be like "NAH NAH NAH I BEAT YOU NAH NAH."

Seen from here, you're very impulsive. You'll probably disagree, but filing within days because he had some flirty exchanges and tried to cover them is way below the standards of this board and, more importantly, the timeline is not what's advisable. You need to absorb any information and not jump to conclusions ("It's over! This is my life! We're done!") until you have digested it and gained some perspective.

Am I impulsive - sometimes. And I can see why you would see why I am impulsive. And I did point out that it's small potatoes compared to what people are dealing with, what you're dealing with, what SS is dealing with, what Vanilla or T are dealing with. However, I don't feel that my pain and my sitch, are no more, or no less important or worth taking action for or whatever than anyone elses. Honestly? You're making the same statements as my MIL made to me. It doesn't matter if you or anyone else on this board or anyone thinks that because my husband has been lying to me about his whereabouts, about contact with other people, about conducting a flirty relationship, "is way below the standards of this board." What matters is what is acceptable to me as an individual. Wouldn't you agree?

I told you before that you are controlling and this reaction is yet another example. You're taking back control of the whole thing under the guise of "protecting yourself". You couldn't wait for him to serve you the papers.

Yes, You're right Mozza, I am controlling. I admit it. This is controlling. But this is controlling my part of my life. But there are things in our relationship that I haven't mentioned, out of respect to him. The reason I'm moving forward now has a multitude of things, but truly is to protect my assets. I have many. H has none. (So it's protecting him as well) I rely on H's income to maintain our marital home. Should he decide to immediately withdraw it, I would be up the creek without a paddle. H also has a problem with debt and handling finances responsibly. He could be out there as far as I know racking up debts or doing irresponsible things that I would be responsible for because we are legally still married. He has gotten himself into sizeable debt before while we were married that caused problems for us later down the road. His mother offered him money to leave me at one point in time. He didn't even consider it, but what if he's considering it now? The reason I put that out there. Both my H and his brother have left their wives. Stating the same reason, word for word. Both are being "counseled" by their mother. Who has LOTS and LOTS of money and could make both my life and my SIL's a living hell financially. I can't assume that H will continue to do the right thing by me, while he "figures things out." I'm filing for legal separation that allows me financial security -- and allows me, should I choose, to go ahead and make some financial decisions such as getting a new place to live, etc. Should I need to. I'm sure it seems rash. I understand that. I appreciate you calling me out on it. But, Mozza, I come from a divorced family. My father made it a point not to support me and took my mother for everything she was worth. He relished in it. Made it a point. WAS PROUD OF IT. So, perhaps its fear driven. But I have to look out for me, because I'm the only person to look out for. And trust me, I agonized over the decision. The paperwork hasn't been sent yet. The attorney actually just sent it to me for review. Which is why I would like the opportunity to talk to him, to clarify, temp check it before sending it.

Come to think of it, he just promised his IC that he would not talk to you without an intermediary, yet you ask for a meeting and he agrees. Is it that he really goes along with whatever he's been told last?

So this is going to seem like it's splitting hairs. His IC suggested that we not talk without a third party present. H decided that was going to be his new boundary. I truly do not know if that's what he promised IC or not. I did ask for a meeting. Yes, he agreed. And I would I agree that he probably does go along with whatever he's been told last. That's who he is.

---

Mozza,

I do appreciate your feedback and you've given me great insight about people pleasing and things I should look out for.

[Calibri]

Vanilla,

I would've texted him and asked, but once he got caught, he blocked me from reaching him via cell phone or text messaging. I had to email him via his work email to ask him to contact me about it. It wasn't something I wanted to send to his work email because I know it's monitored.

He chose the in person route.

I have a feeling he might back out. I'm just keeping an open mind. I'll gather Intel. I'll feel it out. Nothing has been sent yet.


I have a feeling he's going to back out --and that may be ok.

[Calibri]

He's refusing to speak to me now. So it'll give him time to so whatever.

And time for me to take a bath and have a glass or two of wine.