Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Complex]

I come home in the middle of the night from work after a 16h day and W moved back into the main bedroom after being dark for 4 days....I'm pretty mad. Didn't get into an argument tho. How am I going to explain to her tomorrow that I do not accept that without letting her control me and without making an argument over it?

[Complex]

Just had my first ever therapy session. Not sure if I liked it. It was just a ton of answering questions in the first session of course. No practical advice really except if that I should definitely start to tell more family and friends bc it's part of the healing process.
But she basically told me "when a spouse decides it's over, then it's over", but she is pro-marriage, every marriage is worth saving but only if both spouses want to. She didn't really give me a good feeling somehow. It just felt like she did her job but felt very bad for me.
She recommended me another therapist in the end. I shouldn't have any expectations from therapy to begin with and see what they are saying. Maybe I think to critically tho.
Any experiences with therapists, good or bad?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

[quote=Complex
But she basically told me "when a spouse decides it's over, then it's over",
[/quote]

I know a hundred recovered couples, including myself, where the cheating spouse expressed that exact sentiment.

Feelings are not fact
Feelings change
Feelings lie

It ain't over until the divorce papers are signed and even then...20% or so reconcile AFTER divorce.

A statement such as that from a supposedly trained counselor just baffles my mind but I hear about it all the time. Therapists don't really care about marriages ...they are trained to help and heal individuals and guide them towards individual "happiness". As you complain about your cheating spouse (which a betrayed spouse is prone to do) they will validate and mirror your statements back to you seemingly convincing you to get a divorce. They won't offer answers because they are counselors trained to draw answers from within you. They fail to understand that those answers don't exist within the betrayed spouse because if they knew what to do...they'd already being doing it.

[Ontheup]

Hey complex

What are you looking to get out of the therapy?

[Complex]

Georgia: of course it was the first session so I don't know but she was just a good listener, not more. She actually was a marriage counselor. She also told me only 1 therapy is good, not 2 at the same time...because I told her of DBing. She never heard of it. And I don't know, but if you work in this business for 19 years, you maybe should have? She mentioned the word "healing" a lot. Not encouraging me, W or M or anything. Of course we all want to hear there is hope and in the beginning that might not be the right approach so we can detach better.
The DB coach showed more empathy and was more knowledgeable. I liked her better for sure. But that's 6 times the price of a session with my 20$ co pay..

W's computer seemed to be in sleeping mode and popped back on bc of mouse movement this morning on the couch, and I saw she read an article "6 signs if a man is ready to commit". I didn't snoop any further and put the laptop away instantly but seriously? Dont think she left it intentionally. She wants OM to 'commit' to her?? I can tell you ONE sign that he's ready: he will tell you!
Wonder if she has ANY idea that a divorce actually takes 6 months to complete. Plus 2 months citizenship on top and we are at 8. And that's a long time she will have to deal with me. I need to go to a lawyer soon anyway. LS might be a financial very smart option for us. I wonder when she starts to have the balls to talk to me about everything. And tell her family...
I read an article recently how incredibly unhealthy it actually is if someone is dating during the D process. Usually makes things way more intense and worse, on all sides. Anyone having experience with this?

What does it actually usually means when W is going dark on you and acts more in the grumpy side? Guilt? That things with OM are going either well or bad?

I admit my mind is still circling and circling, but I feel much more detached. I don't even know if I want this person anymore. I love her tho... But right now I feel like I'm just sitting in the audience watching.

SRD:
Therapy goal: Healing, reaching my personal goals, get over my depression, get some more psychological insight on myself and the situation, fresh ideas in general, open up.
I want the therapy to be for ME. Of course I hold the hope that this eventually will lead to reconciliation one day..and if not, that I'm better off.

I wonder if a real Christian counselor would be better, or at least one with real Christian core values.

Ps: anyone an advice on how to 'solve' the bedroom question properly?

[Complex]

It's just a little thing but I really need advice on this bedroom thing bc W just came home ranting and blaming me for even going into the bedroom yesterday night. I basically woke her unintentionally and then told her that this is not what we agreed on. Then I let it go and slept in the guestroom.

She was on her way out the door very mad telling me she will let me know later what she thinks about it.
I stayed very calm and confident and friendly trying to not let this turn into a fight, did the right thing.

But here's the thing: She will be like "I'm paying this place mostly, I need my rest, you need to move to the guestroom".

What am I gonna tell her? I do NOT want to do her that favor! But I don't want to end up in a big fight.
I'm scared because if it starts like this now, what will she do to me during D negotiations...Jesus

[Mozza]

I have a therapist of the Freudian kind, which means that he listens a lot and does not direct the therapy as much as I do with my ramblings. It takes time, but I feel like we're doing deep work. The most salient feature is that he's not focused on my M, but on me. He's interested in my reactions to the S, but he won't be dragged into strategies to R. His stance is always: "Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't. I don't know, you don't know, she doesn't know." I'm fine with it now. I find his focus on me and my traits refreshing because it's so different from everything else.

He's suggesting that my W left me because she had the courage that I didn't have. That I was pushing her away with my behavior would mean that I wanted to S, but wouldn't for some reason. He's also suggesting that my current pain is linked to my lack of confidence around women because I don't want to be confronted to the need of attracting someone new. This is very challenging for me and quite opposite to what I think myself, but I agree to ride with it and see where it goes.

I'm writing all of this to give you an idea of the kind of insights that you get with a therapist that's into psychoanalysis. It would be interesting to clarify with your therapist to which school of thought he belongs: humanist, psychoanalysis, or cognitive. I'm surprised that your therapist already jumped to conclusions that it can't happen with one person. MWD seems to suggest to run away from these.

Sorry, no firm opinion on the bedroom question.

[Complex]

Thanks Mozza. I'll see how I feel with my new therapist that got assigned to me.
In general to me it's kinda surprising that ALL therapys regarding WASs are about yourself. While this is the only thing we can really work on, there are psychological ways to get someone to critically think again (like our W's) and attract them to us and away from A. By it's such a highly individual topic and you probably need a guru or a sorcerer instead of a therapist lol.

The therapist like you said should be the last one making any assumptions in the first session. That's my job^^. Glad I'll get another one. And if I'm not getting comfortable with them I'll let them know and switch.


Well my personal opinion on the bed issue: no big fighting is priority. Boundaries are equally important tho and I can't be afraid of W getting upset to me.
If it's becoming a bigger deal than I want it to be I'll be willing to compromise to a certain extend, where we could switch once in a while depending on work or so.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

He's suggesting that my W left me because she had the courage that I didn't have.

There is absolutely NOTHING "courageous" about a spouse committing adultery on another spouse. It's ABUSE. It's soul destroying to both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse.

Courage might be demanding things change and being so bold as to separate or even file for divorce as a direct action or ultimatum that the marriage needs to be worked on and improved or else that spouse is temporarily or permanently ending it.

There is no courage is dropping your pants for an affair partner.

Mozza, my guess would be that your psycho-therapist is an adulterer. Any indication that adultery is good is oure evil and you should RUN from that persons office before such thinking gets planted in your own brain further.

I will be praying for you both and suggest you seek good solid Christian counseling. I'm not a fan of either Imago or Nouthetic Christian counseling. I personal prefer more direct coaching but it's better than some psycho-babble psychotherapist telling you things like "your wife is doing the best she can" and "her cheating on you was a healthy behavior breaking free from a dysfunctional relationship because you were pushing her away [thus her cheating is your fault]".

Your spouses have agency for their behavior. They are responsible for it just as you are responsible for yours. Don't let anyone put their sinful choices in your lap. Here's your dead cat back.

[Train]

GB,

You're my new best friend.

-Train