Incidentally, one of my good friends divorced a man and married another one in the same year. They shared a first name. She differentiates them by referring to H1 as The Devil.
I'm so afraid my WAW gave me such a nickname... The H from Hell? The Criticator? I mean: have you ever met the wrong end of a D? It seems that the other person was always wrong and that we're lucky to meet "the victim". I'm more skeptical since my sitch.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Oh yes, I've met the wrong end of a D. I'm friends with a couple splitting up where BOTH of them are the wrong end (he was Captain Grabby Hands from Thanksgiving). I've had long talks with both of them about what went wrong. Both of them are too hurt and angry to try to make it right. They both admit it, too.
One of my new single woman friends is a WAW whose husband already has a hot Brazilian girlfriend -- and my acquaintance is the OW in another man's divorce. She admits things are messy. She just didn't know what else to do.
I knew a couple where the wife was miserable because her H WOULD NOT pull his weight on caring for the child -- even though they both worked full time. We all felt so sorry for her. Her evenings were always cut short. They divorced and she went back to her home church, so we were left with him, and within four months I heard him sighing and saying EXACTLY what he'd done wrong to lose her (and became eventually the best dad we knew).
In my friend's case, H1 was abusive and even the MC told her it would be better to be homeless than to stay even one more night with him.
At the end of the day, we can't control what others say of us. We can only live up to our best selves and work to make THAT the truth.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Btw, I should say... In my first instance, I think the H is most wrong, but W has chosen to deal with it really badly and now they're both a mess. In the second, this woman has a LOT of esteem issues. No apparent motivation to use a lot of her available resources. Maybe she couldn't have made her M work, but if she were healthier she didn't need to have taken another family down with hers.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I read this today and wanted to share it because it expresses the core of what I've learned here:
I don't want to wax too poetic, but I have really been struck by something which the famous psychologist Erik Erikson said. At some point you realize that you're given this one chance -- he words it this way -- ‘this one chance in all of eternity to enact an identity and to play it out in the real world.’
Towards the end of life, what's really important to people is to be able to see how their life mattered, how it was meaningful, how there was a story to it that wraps up in a good way.
People who are able to create that kind of narrative, and think of their life in that way, are typically happier. They're more generative. They're much more serene and open to the end of life. So that is really good work for people to do. Writing about it is something that a number of my interviewees did. Often my best interviewees were people who had done some writing of memoirs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Am I the only one who tends to imagine how a potential date gets angry? If I see a woman that's pretty, I almost immediately imagine us arguing. It seems to be a byproduct of constantly repeating that the limerence wears off, that infatuation is just a few months long, that everyone becomes boring and annoying to an extent, etc. I'm ruining my own future love life.
OMG, this is so damn neurotic I laughed out loud! Thanks for that! On a serious note, it's kind of a harmful exercise... not to mention unfair. But gotta tell you, 13 years later and I'm still not a good dater. I find I'm getting pickier with each passing year...
Maybell, your thread always makes me think. I thank you for that. No matter how this plays out, I think you're a good mom and you're going to be a lot happier and more successful than your wildest imagination takes you. You've got it going on, woman.
To back up all the others' commentaries about moving and schools, I'll inject my own opinions. Go grab that glass of wine now. Then when you wince, you'll have some alcohol in your system already.
I say this with the caveat that I didn't move. I was one of the weird ones who wanted my XH to take the house and ME to move. I'd have done something within the school district, because we moved there for that very reason. Right before Mr. Wonderful dropped the bomb, I had moved then D8 from Catholic school to public school for 3rd grade. Her sister was a lock for special ed and I couldn't have them on 2 different breaks. So we compromised by open enrolling her in the school closest to us (within walking distance) that wasn't home school where D17 went at the time. It was an adjustment for both of us. I know you won't be surprised that it was harder for me than her. She met some girls in the neighborhood that took her under their wings, joined girl scouts and softball and off she went.
As they traveled off to middle school, she kept some of them and made new friends. By the time she got to high school, there were more new friends and less old ones. They grew out of each other through natural attrition - sports, etc. Her high school BFF (and still is her BFF today) is someone she didn't know before they got to HS.
If I had to move--and I really prepared myself for this outcome--I told the girls that we'd make a new move an adventure. We'd all get to make new friends and do something new. My D17 was the baby and was very happy doing whatever we were doing, especially if D20 and I were embracing it. I had D20's full support. And funny thing about my D20 - she hates routines that resemble ruts. She always has and probably always will. I'll have to tell you about her middle and high school lunch routines some time. They gave ME anxiety. But they made her happy. My 2 little Pisces girls - the oldest craves change. Me? Not so much. Especially if there's the risk of any pain. You will not find me in that room embracing it by itself. I've had to learn to walk in that room. Hug it? Nope. Color me the skeptic. Show me it's good for me, and then I'll do it. Which is probably why I got where I went, right?
Through this diatribe I'm just trying to advise one course of action (which is why I wanted you to get the wine first): one day at a time, baby. Two days from now won't happen sooner than tomorrow. So live today first.
And hugs for being a single mom. When my girls were your kids' ages, there were days that I thought I could jump out a window or slit my wrists. Some of those days were strung together consecutively. (Talk to me when your D turns 16. Then I can promise you nearly 2 years of days strung together.) But 80% of the time, I felt competent and capable. I finally fell out of that rabbit hole and I'm not a dead rabbit... I actually did a pretty good job. Something tells me you're of that same stock, Maybell. The trick is to take a swig of wine and then jump! Not the other way around...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Maybell, Interesting tidbit about the man from church who is interested in you. And I had to laugh when I read what Mozza said! I had a similar situation this week, a very handsome man hit on me and I felt major butterflies and then immediately started having negative thoughts about his intentions and fears about future issues. Probably these fears show we are not ready to date but maybe we also need to try jumping into the pool (cautiously) to see what happens.
Betsey, I don't know why you thought I needed a glass of wine to get your bop on the head down. It was gentle, kind, and exactly right. Things have a way of working out. I'm supposed to be practicing patience.
I do worry about all the upheaval. If I move their schools then S9 will have been in one school for kindergarten and part of first, a second for part of first, all of second, and third, and then a third school for fourth and fifth. That's the sort of disruption I worry about. But maybe something in our area will open up.
I chatted a bit via text tonight with the church fella. We have dovetailing interests. At minimum he will make a pleasant friend. But I have a lot of fish in the fryer. Slow is the name of the game. I do kind of hope he asks me to lunch on Sunday though.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
